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A Whose Line is it Anyway? crossover vignette
by Ukyo Kounji

Disclaimer: Whose Line Is It Anyway? is owned by Hat Trick Productions and Warner Brothers.

Giant Mecha Irish Drinking Song

‘Whose Line’ intro music plays as the camera pans down the audience to the stage.

[‘Whose Line’ intro music plays as the camera pans down the audience to the stage. Seated near the rear of the stage are WAYNE BRADY, CHIP ESTES, COLIN MOCHRIE and RYAN STILES (Since this is supposedly in the middle of the show, I’m not giving them any cutesy introductions) DREW CAREY is seated at his desk, stage right]

[Camera on DREW]

DREW: Awright. Welcome back to ‘Whose Line is it, Anime:’ the show where everything’s made up —

COLIN: You mean "Made in Japan," don’t you?

DREW: — yeah… and the points don’t matter. That’s right… the points are like collateral damage in Nerima. There’s no impact at all on the community.

RYAN: Not even a Second Impact?

DREW: Wrong series. Anyway, our next game is called… Irish Drinking Song, and it’s for all four of you, accompanied by Laura Hall [Camera cuts to LAURA, standing behind a baby grand piano and synthesizer. She waves] on the piano. What I need from the audience is something that occurs in anime that doesn’t in real life…

CROWD: Martial arts!

DREW: Something that doesn’t happen in real life. [WAYNE assumes a ‘kiyah’ Tae-bo stance, while RYAN attempts a ‘bakusai tenketsu’ on COLIN’s head. COLIN bats RYAN’s arm away]

CROWD: Big eyes!

DREW [turning to the guys]: Can we do something with that?

CROWD: Big tits!

[beat for audience laughter]

DREW: You obviously haven’t seen Baywatch, do you?

MAN IN CROWD: And you haven’t seen Ogenki Clinic, have you?

DREW: No, can’t say that I have. [pretending to make a note on the back of a ‘Whose Line’ card] O… genki… Clin-ic… Have to check that out sometime.

CHIP: Hey, I didn’t know you could say ‘tits’ on network television.

WAYNE: And on a Disney station, no less.

DREW: Well, we push the envelope here, don’t we? Now, if he’d said ‘big [*beeep*],’ then we’d get censored.

RYAN: Yeah, but you don’t see that in anime, anyway. Heck, they can’t even show hair.

DREW: No kidding? Hey, Colin, that’s the perfect job for you, man!

COLIN: I have hair there

CROWD: Giant mecha!

DREW: Giant mecha? Okay, that sounds promising. Let’s do the Giant Mecha Irish Drinking Song…

[LAURA plays the lead-in to the ‘Irish Drinking Song.’ For those of you not familiar with this game, the contestants line up center stage, waving their right fists with thumb and pinky extended (as if holding a mug of beer) and sing one line of the song at a time. But first, the refrain, transliterated into Japanese orthography for the subtitling purists]

ALL [singing]: Ohhhh… hai-di, dai-di, dai-di, dai-di… dai-di, dai-di, dai!

WAYNE: My dad builds giant mecha

CHIP: It isn’t on a whim

COLIN: He called me up a while ago

RYAN: And told me ‘climb on in’

WAYNE: I asked him why he needed me

CHIP: He said ‘Isn’t it clear?’

COLIN: I swear, if I had half a spine

RYAN: I’d kick him in the rear!

ALL: Oh, hai-di, dai-di, dai-di, dai-di… dai-di, dai-di, dai!

CHIP: This mecha is an awkward thing

COLIN: It stomps all over town

RYAN: It’s a good thing most of Tokyo-3

WAYNE: Is safely underground

CHIP: A step can crush a building flat

COLIN: And that is when I knew

RYAN: That this must be what happened

WAYNE: To Tokyos -1 and -2!

ALL: Oh, hai-di, dai-di, dai-di, dai-di… dai-di, dai-di, dai!

COLIN: The mecha’s hundreds of feet tall

RYAN: Two dozen meters wide

WAYNE: And when it goes berserk, you wonder

CHIP: If it’s on our side

COLIN: From when I laid my eyes on it

RYAN: I still rue the day

WAYNE: I think Dad’s overcompensating

CHIP: For — [spoken] — don’t make me say

ALL: Oh, hai-di, dai-di, dai-di, dai-di… dai-di, dai-di, dai!

RYAN: I’m not the only mecha jockey

WAYNE: I’ve lots of company

CHIP: Like Asuka, Rei, the Knight Sabres

COLIN: And Daitokuji, B-ko

RYAN: It’s all my dad’s idea, of course

WAYNE: I think he’s such a jerk

CHIP: Why do you think he sends me out

COLIN: To do what’s women’s work?

ALL: Oh, hai-di, dai-di, dai-di, dai-di… dai-di, dai-di, dai!

Oh, hai-di, dai-di, dai-di, dai-di [harmonizing] daaai-di, daaai-di, daaaai!

DREW [over audience cheers]: Don’t go away, we’ll be right back with more ‘Whose Line is it, Anime?"

[Commercial bumper: "And now, some actors who use scripts."]


The End

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