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by Ukyo Kounji
Disclaimer: Whose Line Is It Anyway? is owned by Hat Trick Productions and Warner Brothers.
Opening and Let's Make a Date
[Opening titles: Whose Line Is It Anime logo superimposed over cheering studio audience, filmed from behind as the camera tracks in on tonight's performers]
DREW [v/o over cheering crowd]: Gooood evening, everyone, and welcome to "Whose Line Is It Anime"! On tonight's show…
[camera pans to each performer in turn as DREW introduces them]
He's a demon on wheels… Wayne Brady! [WAYNE obligingly makes like he's driving the Mach 5, with rather erratic spins of the steering wheel]
Koko wa… koko wa… Kathy Greenwood! [KATHY gives the camera a quizzical look before smiling pleasantly and waving. She's obviously not comfortable with fanboy Japanese]
Grant me the power to bring the world… Colin Mochrie! [COLIN extends his arm as if holding a sword, and slashes it a la Zorro]
And in the name of the moon, I will punish… Ryan Stiles! [RYAN has his hands in front of his face in a supplicating posture. A decent lipreader should be about to make out "oh please punish me please oh please oh please"… but you might not want to.]
[Camera on DREW, who's way up in the audience]
DREW: Hi, I'm your host, Drew Carey… let's go on down and have some fun!
[DREW walks down the aisle to his desk amidst the cheering crowd, and gets himself comfortable while the audience noise dies down.]
DREW: Hey, and welcome to "Whose Line is it Anime": the show where everything's made up, and the points don't matter. That's right… the points are like logic to Hideaki Anno…
WAYNE: Ooh, we're gonna get flamed for that, Drew…
DREW: Ask me if I care… hey, I'm drinkin' what he drinks. [he lifts his mug for a moment, and pats his forehead] I can feel a robot growin' out of here already.
RYAN: I always knew that stuff couldn't be good for you.
DREW: Not that you know what this stuff is. Anyway, for those of you who've never seen the show before, here's how it works: these guys — and gal [KATHY waves] — are gonna come up onstage and do everything right off the top of their heads, based on suggestions from these cards [he holds up a sheaf of "Whose Line" cards] and from you, the audience. Then I give 'em points — dunno why, it's just a gag to tie the show together…
KATHY: Although it's sorta falling apart here in cyberspace…
DREW: Watch it… you might not be in the next sequence if you keep that up. And at the end of the show, we pick a winner, and the winner gets to do a little something special with me… and the losers take nude pictures. Can you imagine three of these guys naked with cameras in their hands?
KATHY: So that means I'm gonna win tonight?
DREW: If you consider looking at these three naked to be 'winning'… and speaking of that, it's time for our first game, and it's gonna be… "Let's Make A Date," and it's for all four of you guys.
[All four contestants get up, and DREW indicates four stools beside his desk for them to take]
DREW: Kathy, of course, is our eligible bachelorette on our dating show, but all she gets to pick from are these three losers — sorry, Kathy. [pan to the four contestants lined up on stools: RYAN, COLIN, WAYNE and KATHY, who looks at DREW and shrugs as the other three open up envelopes] And we've given them some strange anime-related identities or characteristics that they've never seen before [camera pans across the three 'bachelors' as they react to their assignments: WAYNE mouths something along the lines of 'Who..?', COLIN does a doubletake before considering his approach, and RYAN just drops the card and rolls his eyes heavenward], and she's gonna ask them questions so she can guess who they're supposed to be. Any time you're ready, Kathy…
[Camera on KATHY as the game begins]
KATHY: Bachelor number one, I'm a girl who believes in giving people as much fanservice as possible. [pause while the crowd hoots approvingly. She nods, and briefly makes as if to pull her turtleneck over her head] Now, if I showed up dressed for fanservice tonight, how would you feel about it?
[Camera on WAYNE, with the superimposed title All Three Bridge Bunnies from Evangelion]
WAYNE: [As Hyuuga, slightly nasal] Are you kidding? The more I see the better I like it! [as Shigeru, with a Valley dude accent] No way! Why should I watch my chick being drooled over by a buncha other guys like him? [as Hyuuga, offended] Hey! [as Maya, breathy and shy] Uh… what's fanservice?
KATHY: [blinking at WAYNE's last question] Erm, well… if you have to ask… [brightening as she moves on] Bachelor number two, my turn-ons are campfires, moonlit walks on the beach, and dancing naked as I sacrifice a goat on the shore. What are some of your turn-ons?
[Camera on COLIN, with the superimposed title Shiori Takatsuki (from Shoujo Kakumei Utena)]
COLIN: My turn-ons? [He looks over at KATHY and shudders slightly] You want to know about my turn-ons? Why? Do you intend to use that information on me?
KATHY: Well, I… ah, that is, if I…
COLIN: Why don't I tell you about one of my turn-OFFs… because I really don't appreciate it being thought of as being… you know… that way…
KATHY: No, actually, I don't know… but I'll get back to you.
COLIN: I wish you wouldn't… I really don't think I'm your type.
KATHY: [mock perplexed] What are you doing on this show, then? Bachelor number three,
RYAN: Nyes? [superimposed title: "Someone Repeatedly Being Doused With Jusenkyou Water"]
KATHY: I've always wanted to climb the Himalaya Mountains… but what's your idea of a dream vacation?
RYAN: Well… [makes a 'booshj' sound like he's been hit with water] Growf, grmbl-grr, grf-growwwl *booshj* meee-owww…
KATHY: Ah, I take it you'd prefer the zoo?
RYAN: *booshj* [high-pitched voice] No, but I like your idea…
KATHY: The Himalayas?
RYAN: [still falsetto] Yeah, just as long as we stay on the Nepali — *booshj* wak-wak-waaak!
KATHY: Oh, my. Back to you, Bachelor number one.
[WAYNE chuckles nasally]
KATHY: I was asking Bachelor number two here…
COLIN [interrupting, loudly]: And I always have to take second place, too! Why do I have to be in your shadow?! I'll tell you what… you think you're so wonderful and perfect… I'm gonna steal him [grabs WAYNE] from you!
WAYNE: [slight falsetto] Sempai, I can't control it! It's gone berserk! [Valley accent] Like, what if we cut the main power, dudes? [nasal] No good! She's got battery power to last her for five minutes at least! The damage she could do in that amount of time…
[WAYNE is cut off as COLIN pretends to kiss him]
WAYNE: [breathy] Oh my god, Commander…. synch ratio at 300% and climbing!
COLIN: [addressing KATHY, triumphantly] There… how do you like them apples?
KATHY [after staring at COLIN for a moment]: Well, I guess that leaves me with Bachelor number three…
RYAN: *booshj* MMMMOooOOuUU!! [He places his hands behind his back as if making a swan shadow-puppet, and by flapping them, pretends to fly about the stage]
COLIN [dropping WAYNE as he leaps from his stool]: Here's a miracle for ya… I'm gonna steal him from you, too! [He jumps on RYAN's back; RYAN carries him around for a few steps before…]
RYAN: *booshj* [falsetto] Look, you're cute and all that, but you're really not my type…
COLIN: [recoiling from RYAN] And you're not mine… what's the deal here?
DREW [hitting the buzzer several times, with limited success in restoring order]: Okay, I think that's about enough. Kathy, have you got any idea who you're dealing with here?
[Everyone scrambles back to their stools as KATHY attempts to guess]
KATHY: Okay, ah… Bachelor number one is someone from Evangelion…
DREW: Not just a someone…
KATHY: Yeah, I noticed… he's the entire tech crew, isn't he? [Audience applause, as WAYNE raises a hand in acknowledgement] Bachelor number two is a girl, right?
DREW: Yeah, and…
KATHY: …a girl with an inferiority complex, and deathly scared of lesbians, right?
DREW: So far, so good. And this girl would be…?
KATHY: Uh…
DREW [trying to give it away]: That thing about miracles mean anything to you?
KATHY: Well, she can't be Juri Arisugawa… oh! Her friend from way back… oh, what was her name?
DREW [hits the buzzer]: Close enough; Shiori Takatsuki.
KATHY: Oh, right! Shiori!
DREW: And how about Ryan? He shoulda been easy.
KATHY: Well, I don't know about that; I never got to pick him. Anyway, he's like everybody in Ranma 1/2 with a Jusenkyo curse.
DREW: [hits the buzzer as audience applauds] That'll do just as well. [addressing camera] Anyway, stick around for more "Whose Line is it Anime," right after this!
[Commercial bumper: series of still shots where DREW throws water on RYAN, who turns into (a very surprised) COLIN]
[Commercial. Crudely-drawn anime background, with a cute white-and-brown hamster standing amongst several piles of laundry, some wadded up, others neatly folded and pressed. The hamster is holding what appears to be a sanitary napkin]
HAMSTER: It's true, Ebichu doesn't use sanitary pads herself. But Mistress-sama uses them, and Ebichu knows they can absorb lots of blood… and that comes in real handy on Mistress-sama's heavy flow days. Which reminds Ebichu…
[We see a pair of simply drawn, but obviously meant-to-be-beautiful legs cross between EBICHU and the camera. EBICHU notices and goes running after them]
EBICHU [waving the pad frantically]: Mistress-sama! Don't forget to take a spare with you today!
[WHACK!][SPLAT] [Hamster and pad are splayed against the wall; there's a large splotch of blood surrounding the hamster, but it's all on the pad, and none is on the wall. The pad slides slowly down the wall (carrying EBICHU to the floor with it), where it lands with a 'thump']
EBICHU [muffled; face-down into the pad]: See how absorbent they are?
ANNOUNCER [deep V/O]: Kotex. For when you're not in control.
The End
Webmaster: Larry F
Last revision:
May 21, 2007
