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(PROLOG)


Bad fan art for a bad fic…It was a dark and stormy day in Ucchan's Okonomiyaki-Ya. No sooner had the sign placed outdoors than Ranma vanished. Ukyo Kuonji,heir to the Kuonji Style,cutest fiancee of Ranma Saotome,owner of Ucchan's Okonomiyaki-Ya,best-looking cook of Nerima,and a spatula tensai,was had Ranma on the grill while she stepped out to look at her sign. She'd been want to marry him," I can be Ukyo Kuonji Saotome afterward. " When all of a sudden. the roof fly off.

" NOOOOOOO! " Ranma commented.

They who break the seal of Ucchans roof descented into the dining room and look around. The first of two carries a tightly hewn sceptre of finest bronze. The second conceal a two-meter sword of finest bronze in the folds of his cloak. All the diners flee outward. The first instruder is a tall female,pointing to Ranma.

" That is who our capture is intent! Retrieve for return! " she spoke of him to him.

Whipping out his finest sword,the pentultimate intruder deconsciousnesses the heir to the Saotome Style and returns to the center of the dining room.

" All done! Let us being our plans now! " he recieves as his second instructed.The two(plus one)leave out the not-anymore roof before Ukyo(who raced in just before)has chances for tackle either of the three.

" RANCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAN!!!!!!!!!! " Ukyo protested his abduction. He knew her from a small yatai in the Kansai area when they were very young,and their father both agreed that they would marry,and she would become Ukyo Kuoni Saotome as a result,because she was the cutest chef of okonomiyaki known nationwide. It was how it was meant to be,but it was not now to be,because Ramna was missing out the ceiling,which(as happened justnow)the ceiling was missing.

Since there was no one else to serve okonomiyaki to,so she shut down the grill,make sure it's set for cooling,picked up her spatula weapons of many a size and variety,and closes for the day. Her next mission is obvious clear.


KOUNJI UKYO and SAOTOME RANMA

adn

OTHERS from RANMA ½

and

a SOME ORIGINAL CHARS

in

A B A D I D E A W A S " K I D N A P "
{ps. I've own my original chars,but not ranma chars}

(Issue One,Hour One)

It was a dark and stormy day immediately adjacent to Ucchan's Okonomiyaki-Ya. Ukyo Kuonji,heir to the Kuonji Style,was going to do battle with the abductors of her kakko-ii ii-nazuke to retrieve,and sometime in the later future,do marriage with. But not yet,you see. Do you?

" Where did they go? " Ukyo pondered. Since they went upwards,she figured maybe they walked above the buildings,so she jump on one. But no sooner did she jump on one than she still didn't see them. " Maybe they took to the sky. " Ukyo ran to the west

in an effort to reach Cologne,Shampoo,and Mousses Neko-Han-Ten, which was similar to Ucchan's Okonomiyaki-ya,but she didn't yet know if it was closed due to missing roof like Ucchans.

" I'm here! " she whispered herself,as she walked through the Nekohanten,and there was still a roof. Ornate neko figure draped along the ceiling for decorated but it's still stormy immediately adjacent to the Neko Hanten,so it's a good thing for block the hail.

" Sampoo! You became a wall! ",which was the voice of Mousse,the waiter,who was trying to walk through the wall but couldn't. Cologne stands on a table and look at Ukyo. There is a bowl of gomoku ramen here.

" What's your purpose here,Kuonjidono? " Cologne queried Ukyo,who waited for the question.

" Two possibly flier warriors took my roof and took my iinazuke,and they I lost them in the storm outside! " Ukyo expounded. Then she describe their attire,including the ornate gold-and-purple robes and shoes they had on at the period of abducation.

Cologne's hair stand on end. This is story she rembered from long, long ago.


[B E G I N 1st FlashBack]

Cologne was young. As she explored,she saw a castle in the distance where the soldiers wore ornate gold-and-purple robes and shoes.

[E N D 1st FlashBack]

"I know where they're base is,and they very likely used it as that. Now go and take Mousse and Shampoo with you,as their great strength shall lend aid to your cause. Locate Mukodono and return safely,and I will give you this bowl of gomoku ramen. " Cologne replied.

Mouse found his glasses and could see Shampoo on the other side of the restaurant,but before he could get her,Cologne arrested his foreward movement with her long stick. " Mousse,go with Ms. Kuonji to find Mukou-Dono. Shampoo to go too. "

SHampoo: " But grandmother,whoever shall mind the Nekeohanten? We would be gone on our quest for possible weeks? "

" I am old,and have matered many a skill in Restarant Operation. No need of worry. " Cologne reassures.

Shampoo is reassured. " Very well than,to rescue him we go! "

Cologne turns to Ukyo. " Be sure and be ready. Those who removed Ranma from your grill did so for one reason. What purpose would that be? Is Ranchan a great threat at them? I only had him for the grill a tiny bit. "

" Likely not,but their reason for capturing many a one is unvariably for to marry with the royalty of them. You have probably a day or few before they officiate this,then he will becoming on of them. " Cologne summarized.

Ukyo's collappse with grief. " NOOOOOOOOOOO!!! " she lamented. She wanted to be the one to marry,not the royalty. Then her resolve filled all of it form top to bottom and she stands.

" We'll go get Ran-Chan and for sure leave them for wasting! " she vowed. " Now,my self and Mousse and Shamppo and perhaps others will go,…but where? "

Colone pulls a paintbrush from a nearby table,draws on a napkin,adn hands it to Ukyou. " Here is a map to there castle fortress,and their is yet another item you can utilize. " She hops away to get some thing from the back room while Shampoo and Mousse fight.

She returns with carefully wrapped and holy object. " Since you like spatulas,here is one of them. We have call it as Spatula of the Ancients of Jokuzetu. " With ominous tonal range," It could come in useful handy on your mission. "

" Ancient Chinese Spatula,huh? " as she stuff the artifact in her backpack. " Very well,Ancient Matriarch,we shall soon ownzorize their army. SHAN-PU! MUU-SU! It is time! " so the three of them leave the Chinese food eating establishment.


" Now,who else should bring along with us? " Ukyo thinks of alliances. Her first idea turns out to be Akane Tendou,uncute financee of Ranma Saotome,youngest daughter to Soon Tendou,and also she hits Ranma with mystical magical mallets.

" I would rather not bring her to the attack,since she'll probably capture Ranma and feed him evil and stuffing. " but with even more thought,she proceded: " however… . perhaps her titanic strenth was able crack the castle we are to invade. " Ukyo nodded. Such usefullness is good to have. Don't you agree?

The trio lands in front of teh Tendo-Dojo and walks inside. There is a panda here. Akane is not in a good mood. Kasumi has the table set for several,but Ranma probably won't be able to eat tonight.

Akane saw there was no Ranma with Ukyo,where he had last gone,so she became suspiciuous. " Where did you take Ranma?!? " Akane accused.

Shampoo speak up first. " The youngest Heir of Saotome was kidnap early thes afternoon,by Ancient Royalty who wanting his talents plan to do marriage with him. "

" HES CHEATING ON ME?????????? " Akane exploded in furious fury. " Why that baka hentai ecchi sukebe chikan kudamono!!!! " Akane was uberly upset. " He deserves THIS! " as she form a large wooden mallet with her very mind,throwing it into space.


At very moment,far away,Akane's malet returns from reeentry and land on Ranma. " Ouch! " he ouched.


Ucchan,being the cute fiancee,kickslap the uncute fiancees gentle firmly for good measure,at least for learning.

" He's (=[my]=) cute fiancee and it shall be that I finally get to marry Ranma after we reunite together after the victory I will procure! " Ukyo explained to Akane,who wasn't listening because she was sleeplearning after the last one. Ukyo kicks too hard,but she also has spatulas. Which are sharp and stored in her easy-to-reach-area. Nabiki has Genma clean the table.

Kasumi apologizes for her imoto behaving. " She's just a violet maniac. That reminds me,I think you and Ranma Saotome would make a perfect couple. Please take my food. As you travel. " she offers with generously.

The trio bows to accept the snacks,and off they go again. But no sooner than they step outside than they see the rowboat of the Great Kuno Tatewaki,Age Seventeen.

" Here comes the Kuno Rowboat! " remarked Mousse.


Indeed. However,since this is a newly powers rowboat,it floats above the asphault.

" My own oft-resplounded and high adequate skills to thy disposal, fair maiden,purple hair maiden,and bespectacld washcloth. For an aged maiden has explored the depths and crevaces of her oratory skills,just if only to tell mine own self of all the great arduous and tasky quests that lie along your density. Yea,the path is trecharous,yea,the enemys numerous,yea,your skills challenged,but it is of great fortune that the silver-haired matriarch happened upon my presence,for afterwards,she donned the Holy Garb of House of Kuno to bless the rowboat with her her cooking,and when the bowl rold away,I,Tatewaki Kuno,Age 17,Scion of The Kuno Estate,boarded a mystical magical flying vessel that you,even now,behold upon thine eyes. Yea,the boat is rocking,and together we shall all come a-knocking,to visit unlimit justice at those who raise their hand against the pigtailed onna,a crime or which none can result but great justice dispensed from this hand,this other hand,and this righteous and holy wooden sword,which has slain many nations several times over thru it's great and illustrious existance. No finer wooden sword,crafted from the Jomon Era from the present time,exists save this very weapon carried through the skys on my rowboat,bless greatly,of the sole Tatewaki Kuno (very,very unclonnable),BlueThunder of Fuurinkan KouKou! "

Kunou takes a breath. He did not know that the pigtailed girl was Ranma.

" When we launch my boat,we shalt soon be arrive at the fortress of which thy ancestor spake regarding,and our cause shall triumph mighty, yea,for the Kuno Clan hat decreed it so! And so! Now,will you enter my sailing vessel for a cause of great heroic and herring due!? " Kuno bequested.

" Makes sense," Mousse responded.

Shampoo,Mousse,especially Ukyo climb in. Mousse rows even harder,and the warp to amazingly fantastic speeds.

" Just you wait,Ranchan,we are all coming. And then afterwards we show them precicely WHY your kidnap was BAD IDEA. " Ukyo oathed.


(Issue Two,Day One)

The Cloud Castle Of Clouds float over an unlabeled sea,constructed of the finest hewn granite timbers of all the land. Along the tops of teh walls of the squarish fortress,there is walkway of ten cubits in depth,and chisled scarlet emeralds adorned the mellow aesthetics.

Kuno aim his flying boat at the castle in the sky,over the sea,and cries out his battle cry,"AAAUUUUUUOOOOUUUUAAAAAAAGHHHAAAAAAAAARR!!!"

Ukyo bap him on the head," For not so loud!! " she warn him. Shampoo and Mousse keep rowing fast. The boat collide with the top wall with a jubilant crunch,and pasengers tumble to the floor. Along the edge was already standing one who notice their entry,surprise at their ability. Nonetheless,he steps forth to repel the invaders.

" I am a prince known on this land as Thro Ewei,and a great and nimble warrior,and that means great loss to YOU!!!! " Thro charged the group,weilding a chisled blade of crushing to the fore as Ukyo forumlated a plan of cunning to dispatch this foe.

" Mousse duck! " she announces while Mousse croches down near the finely engraved floor covering,established in some unforetellable era. As he falls,Ukyo withdraws one of her twelve-inch throwing spatulas from her patented okonomiyaki-seller outfit,leaned back and to fling the cooking projectile to intersept Prince Ewei.

The startled prince naturally recieved the flying foot of blinding steel locally in his upper torso,concussing his ribs to and fro,and giving him his a surprise. The impact collasped his now undulating bravado,tormenting his resolve and downright crushing his mentally declared association of attack/defend strategies which with hed plan in an instant to heap upon the presumedly muddled intruders. That instant long gone,and his crumpling commenced forthwith,helped not by his newfound inability to yawn,but rather accellerated by his pitch towads the edge. Finaly trip up upon the scarlet emerald railing,worth hundreds more than his ornate gold-and-purple royal cloak,purchased by pundler over many a century,his thinking slowed to rumbly mellow molases,as his conscienceness ceased,and,giving one final gasp of sibilant wasted defeat,flips off the edge and into the cloudly depths from which his ancesters borne his queen.

Shampoo declared," That wasnt him,lets go! ". The quartet of of rescuers charges the entryway into deeper recesses of the castle without a name. " Ranma,inside! Follow us this way! "


In this castle,there live a queen. Her name was Amber Mojiri-Jou,tho subjects of her merely called by title royale. As great a warrior as seen around this fortress,none has best her martially. She formerly dropped into Ucchans Okonomiyakiya to retrieve her one and future king to be,sitting currently in a central bubble restraining his fury until such a time for graet ceremony to occur.

" Hold! Why do you do this thing! What you are doing is wrong! " pledded Ranma Saotome,encased quite rightly in the most seceure bubble of the land. His Mou-Koh-Taka-Bisha had bounced back on him,and it was all a not working escape.

" Do not worry thee. Later we shall wed and all to excellence our nation be,together,with fun! " Amber comforted(or attempted thereof) the young Saotome,who in actuality was her exact same age,down to the very day,which was a major factor of his choosing.

Ranma wanted to see his kawaii iinazuke Ukyou Kuonji(later plus " Saotome " he hope) once more,so he desparately attempted to flee once more.

" KA-CHUU TEN-SHIN AMA-GURI HEADBUTT!!!! " as he rammed into the encapsulatory prison a hundred times in one blow,which knocked himself unconscience.

" What a sad,strange little man. " Mojiri-Jou observed. When all of a sudden,an aide to royalety rushed upwards to her place.

" Prince Thro Ewei tried flight off the castle wall and four intruders seek to tell you likewise! " he warned excitidly.

" What. " she recoiled. " He was a skill warrior,but he cannot fly. Put me on speakerphone! "


Ukyo and her team bounded up an down the cooridors of the castle, not once pausing for examine the dingy and/or fetid caverns which interspersed the fortress,but only focusing on righteous task at hand; recover Ranma Saotomoe!

" How are you,strangers? " a feminine voice boomed from every direction. " I hear you throw a Prince over the wall,am I correct? "

Kuno answered," Woman of Incorporeality!! Our quest is noble and just! We have assembled,as you see before you,a team of fighting force to liberate a woman of mighty virtue and undulating beauty,whom you and yours have acquired through force and trickery! No member of a civilized race,let alone a warrior whose defendment of the feminine race surpasses the bounds of most earthy men,can allow such a deed to stand without dispensal of mighty justice! Therefore,we,comprising this group of righteous fury,do declare upon this that day,your castle will become as rubble strewing by our terrestrial crows in flight,who pause to rearrange the ruins of olde standing by as mute witnesses to similar evils perpretrated in generations long past,banished there by all good and decent governments and systems powers by unerring truth and love of all that defeated their unworthy foes!

" Furthermore!! Whensoever such causes are meet opposition which declined to stay it's hand,it becomes necessary,nay,pertinent that a good and just people throw off the princes that bind them to their former condition just as,in weeks long past,I,Tatewaki Kuno,Age 17, did defeat and punish the unholy Ranma Saotome with throw potatoes until his fling off my roof attained! "

At this exclamation,Shampoo and Ukyo slap him into a wall for bed. The Queen voice continued," Unfortuneate. However,to take [my] Saotome,you first fight a squad of our finest warrior,and then,should you be possibly miracly pass them,you will face my righthand in a duel,and if these tasks you pass,you'll do battle me. You may have chipped my prince,but it won't stand! " she pronunced.

Ukyo counter: " Not Likely! You claim so,but I swear that (=[my]=) Ranma will be go home with me! " This make Shampoo grumbly,but Mousse will distract her?

*click* The queen clicked. Before them a door appear,and open. Behind the door

is the squad of warrior aforementioned to Ukyo/Shampoo/Mousse. Both of them prepare weapon,and the warriors shine their purple-gold Boots of Kicking.

" GYRAAAAAAHH!!! " the battlers became enthused with there foes and let fly. Shampoo had bounborri to fight,and sent many a opponent to flight. Ukyo then finished off all who Shampoo passed over with the blinding steel in her battle spatula. Mousse whimsicoracally encircled the group,as possibly casual-tossing explosive items into the mix. Kuno is sleeping. What do expect from an unconscious kendo master?

" We're done here! To the next fight! " Ukyo lead. As the quartet (minus one) journey on,their next challenger as stand alone in his room,wielding the two-meter sword of finest bronse. The stygmatic aire of his cloak bade a forebiddng presense about his stance,which awaited his fresh new battle.


Ukyo/Mouse/Shampoo charged into the room after a brief pause to enjoy the snack packed to them from Kasumi. Than they meet their next challenger. He stand at 223 cm and outmassively roared. Ukyo study his tactic while Shampoo and Mousse attack.

His blidning two metres of flashing bronze cut the Chinese weapons in twain,and his gold-and-purpleclad foot booted them handy. " Ai-yah,"Shampoo/Mousse appraised. Ukyo try decide on special attack. But then she suddenly rember.


[B E G I N 2nd FlashBack]

Ukyos otosan teaching her how to fight. " Use the spatula,Ucchan! " is the lesson he instructs. Than he demonstrate using a natioanl spatula of Great Power: " HERA-HAME-HA!!!!!! " and destorys a tree.

[E N D 2nd FlashBack]

Ukyo think back to that time,and remember fathers ultimate beam. She fights off some sadness,then retrieves her Ancient Chinese Spatula from whence it lodged,in her bandoler,and follows her training.

" Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! " the unnamed assailant laugh bravely. But all of a sudden Ucchan delivers a power beam through his gut. " HERA-HAME-HA,KOUSEI HAN!!!!!!!!! " The beam firing through her ancient spatula hits him about 55 times,knocking him for a loop.

" Wai! Sugoi! " cheer Shampoo,but then she pass out on Mousse,who fell a minute ago. But no sooner did that occur than the speakerphone resounded.

" Amazingly impressive,to say from me to you. But NOW you face your ultimate challange;step foreward!! " Queen Amber Mojirijo declared.


Ukyo steps foreward,and finds herself,the Queen(in purple-and-gold fighting garb and a tightly hewn sceptre of finest bronze),and Ranma sleeping in a bubble altogether in a throne room.

" In the name of okonomiyaki,release my Ranchan or I punish! And that means you! " Ukyou demanded,drawing forth a creepy warlike stance.

" … " was the queen shout to begin the fight. Ukyo try for beam attack as before,but Amber deflect away with septer.

" Now for my royal mighty blast! " she exclaims,whirring her stick as Queen of a Parade. " NAISHUUGEN BEEEEEAM! " and Ukyo is knocked for a loop.

" What strength…but there are many like her all over the world! " Ukyo realized. Then as possibly depair,deciding Ranma wants a strong and skill fiancee,she decide if to give up,when all of a sudden she remember something else:


[B E G I N Last FlashBack]

Ranma stood behind her grill. It was a dark and stormy day outside. Remarking on his cute iinazukes quality,he told her," Ucchan,when I say I want you instead of someone,I mean it from the inside out,no matter how you fight. "

[E N D Last FlashBack]

This incouraged Ucchan,who leapt up and used all her spatula weapons simultaneously,in a great flurry of exploding power.

" CHOUHATSU DENSETSU!!! " she screamed as she kickslapp MojiriJou into the ceiling,once and for final. Then she frees Ranma from the bubble,where he just now wakes up.

" Ucchan! " he interjected,just before they kissed quickly,deeply. He then observes the castle," Looks like the battle is over. "

" Yes. Yes it is. Will ask me this time? "

" Yes. Will you do marry with me? "

" HAI!!!!! " she agrees,blushing profusely. The two hold eachothers hand all the way back to the rowboat and they row off into the sunset and then live afterwards,leaving their great weird adventure back in their past.


(Issue Three,Epi Logue)

Kuno awoke from his bed in the wall,and journeyed forth to find his pigtailed girl. But no sooner did he journey than he found Queen Amber Mojiri-Jou awakening from her bed in the ceiling.

" Huzzah! It is the red-haired beauty I have sought after for all my life! For I was for long and puzzlesome years questing after the fresh and healthy and powerful Akane Tendou,whose beauty never failed her day in nor day out,and sustained my hopes of lasting joy,and also the pigtailed girl,whose hair of flame-colored fibre kindled romantic fire from the first day I grabbed her…but NOW I see the one and only girl,nay,woman of statute whose radiant beauty,even from the ceiling, shone radiantly down on my humble visage not unlike as the sun reflect its potent beam of photons off of the many vibrant flowers and natural richness of the finest gardens of Hanazono anywhere,including the one in my own estate,which is professionally tended every weekday at five, six,AND seven,and furthermore.. " *CLONG*

The queen put her sceptre back down on her throne, looked around at the mess of her castle,the rubble from all the fights,the broken capsule of Ranma,and the unconscience kendoist at her feet and sighs. " Ah well…the consolation prize isn't too bad-looking. "

[Musical Interlude: Butterfly ~Upswing Mix~, DDR 3rd Korean]


Meanwhile,far below,several fanfic writers were having a tasty feast full of the finest meats and cheeses from all the land. Prince Thro Ewei lands on a nearby island. " OOF! " he grunted.

 


[Disclaimer]

The characters of Ranma 1/2(Ranma, Ukyo, Shampoo, Mousse, Cologne, Akane, Nabiki, Kasumi, Genma, and others I didn't use) are owned by Rumiko Takahashi and those she licensed them to, including, but not limited to, Shogakukan and Viz. The events and persons in this fanfic are completely fictional and any resemblance to actual events or persons is completely unintentional, and the author is not responsibile for any injury, trauma, or other detrimental condition resulting from proper or improper use of this fan fiction; if you read the whole thing and get mad and blame me, you should have stopped sooner and repeated to yourself, "It's just a fic, I should really just relax."

Keep circulating the fanfics…

(twaaaaang)

> " Here comes the Kuno Rowboat! " remarked Mousse.


Author's notes: A Bad Idea Was "Kidnap" was written as a lighthearted parody of a few various types of bad fanfics, and is *intentionally* riddled with numerous spelling, grammar, punctuation, and logic errors. The intent was to write an extremely low-quality fic without looking like I was trying to do so, and at the same time going for humor by duplicating the unintentionally funny errors of certain MSTed fics.

Oddly enough, a bunch of people found it quite entertaining… Which rather surprised me, actually. I recieved over a dozen "This is great!" responses, only a single "My head hurts. Please don't do this again" message, and mail from someone who seriously thought English was, at best, my second language.

At first, I wasn't sure whether Bad Idea would be here in the Lost Library with the rest of my stuff, because I thought it would be too lowbrow a fic to be posted on a site with such high standards. :)

However, Larry F, the Lost Librarian, gave it the go-ahead. He said words to the effect of, "If I can post a fic like Daniel Oliver's A 'Shroomy Fanfic Story, this is nothing."

As a side note, this story has already been MSTed, and the result can be found over at the bottom of Nidoking's site.

I was fine with that as well, and actually contributed suggestions to the finished product…. :)

The fan art picture is by Seriumu. 'Tis of the majestic Kuno Rowboat, and it was (I think, though I am not sure) drawn completely in Windows Paintbrush. Fits the fic well, I think. :)

—Rylan Hilman

 
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