Fusions That Should Never Be #II:
Washuu Science Theater 3000
It was a good day to be the Universe's Greatest Scientific Genius.
Of course, every day was a good day to be the Universe's Greatest
Scientific Genius, because no matter how bad it got, you were always
smarter than everybody else. And if anybody gave you a hard time,
all you had to do was create some incredibly powerful, intimidating
machine that would put them in their proper place. Sometimes molecule
by molecule, if they were particularly bothersome. Oh, yes, it was
very good to be very brilliant.
A soft smile crept across Washuu's features as she casually strolled
through the brilliantly (everything she built was brilliant) lit
corridors of her spaceship. It was a very nice ship, one she had
designed herself. She had been tempted to go around in a Dysen Sphere,
but there was something to be said about traveling in a large spaceship
rather than a sphere the size of a planet. There was such a thing
The smile she beamed grew even wider. It was a proud day for Washuu,
and it was entirely because of the report she had just received
on an experiment she had been conducting for some time. The results
had all came back in the green, which delighted her to no end. It
appeared that her greatest creation had been a success, and on the
first try, too. It was a particularly proud moment for her. True,
the redhead scientist had created many things in her lifetime, but
nothing as important as this.
After all, it wasn't every day one became a mother.
It was only the second time for Washuu, and though it hadn't been
as fun as the manner in which her first child had been created,
it still made her beam with joy. There was still the name to decide
upon, though. Personally, she was leaning towards either Kasumi
or Akane. Her gofer… err, personal executive assistant, had
come up with one she really didn't like: Ryoko. There was no way
in hell any creation of hers was going to end up with a name like
that. It conjured up images of a lust-driven space pirate or something.
Still beaming, Washuu entered her quarters and spotted a package
on the bed. It was a box, about one foot wide and tall, and covered
in red and green wrapping paper with a bow tied in the shape of
a crab on it.
"What's this?" Washuu spotted a card on top and read
it. It was from her gof… personal executive assistant. "My
birthday isn't until next month." She considered returning
the gift to him and explaining the mistake. "Nah. I like presents.
Hehehehe." She ripped off the wrapper in a flash and opened
the top of the box.
The spring-loaded boxing glove shot up and punched Washuu right
in the jaw. As she fell backward and struck the floor, the last
thought she had was at the indignity of how the Universe's Greatest
Scientific Genius had been laid low by a common, cheap gag from
out of a Three Stooges film.
The door to the room made a whooshing sound and Washuu's gof…
err, personal executive assistant entered. Upon seeing his mentor,
unconscious on the floor, he rubbed his hand together with maniacal
Dr. Clayton Forrester was a happy camper.
Foreword: Yep. You've seen lots of MST3K reviews before, either
with the original cast or anime substitutes taking the role of Joel,
Mike, and the robots. But never have the cast of MST3K actually
been included in the role of a non-review style fic (at least to
my knowledge. And since I haven't seen it, it cannot exist) Therefore,
it's time to introduce:
A Tenchi Muyo! / Mystery Science Theater 3000
by D. B. Sommer
You can contact me with plenty of flames and complaints at email@example.com
Disclaimer: MST3K belongs to the Scifi Channel, and Tenchi Muyo!
belongs to Pioneer.
The first sensation Washuu felt was that of lying on a cold, unyielding
metal surface. More senses quickly returned and more stimuli followed,
allowing Washuu to achieve full consciousness once more. She sat
up, taking in her surroundings. She was in some kind of chamber,
small and brightly lit. There was a table in front of her with a
punch button and three different colored lights on it. There was
some sort of ridiculous looking door with the number 5 in the middle
of it at one side of the room. The floor was composed of metal -cheap,
crappy metal- and there was a view screen in front of her. The whole
place had the overall appearance of being a run-down satellite
Her thoughts turned to the one who had put her in this situation.
What did that moron, Forrester, think he was doing knocking her
out with that old trick? Was he angry at her for using him in some
of her experiments? It wasn't as though she had done anything terrible
to him, just extracted a few useful samples that she might use if
she wanted to create a biological monstrosity sometime later on
down the line. Nothing to get angry about. Well, there were the
disintegrator experiments, but she had reintegrated him immediately
after turning him into a pile of ashes. True, not everything had
ended up back where it belonged, but she had corrected that too,
right after she had lunch and taken a nap. Nothing there to get
angry about. He was just too easily irritated.
Ultimately, Washuu supposed that his motivations were irrelevant;
what he had done was just wrong. Being a true scientist, she would
be certain to explain that by employing a host of situational examples.
There was an experimental hair removal cream that she needed to
test. And then there was the impotence formula she needed to try
The view screen towards the front of the room flickered on, breaking
her concentration on all of the 'fun' things she was going to do
to him. The familiar sight of a man in his early thirties with mustache
and thick green glasses stared her straight in the eyes.
"Well, well, it looks like you've woke up, my little font
"Forrester, you monster! How dare you take advantage of me
while I was unconscious," Washuu growled.
Dr. Forrester looked at her in confusion. "I didn't take advantage
Washuu felt herself over. "Hey! You really didn't. Why didn't
you take advantage of me when I was unconscious? Are you implying
"No. I'm just not a pedophile. If I was, this would be an
SI fic with Sasami, instead of a really bad fusion idea."
"Good point," Washuu conceded.
Dr. Forrester tried to bring the conversation back in line. "Anyway,
wouldn't you like to know why I've done what I've done?"
"Aw, c'mon," Dr. Forester whined. "I can't go onto
the next stage of my evil scientist plan if you won't show at least
a little curiosity in it."
Washuu sighed. He was right. Evil mad gof… evil mad scientists
that were formerly personal executive assistants did need someone
to exhibit at least a low level of interest in their so-called evil
plans. In a tired voice, she said, "All right. Why have you
done this to me?"
Dr. Forrester clapped his hands together gleefully. "Now we're
getting somewhere. Ahem, I allowed myself to be demeaned as your
personal executive assistant in order to knock you out and take
over your little operation."
"You know, if I wanted someone to trick me and take everything
over, I'd have hired Kagato instead of you. Now he had some class,
not to mention he also knew how to make a good cup of coffee. And
he could play the organ, too."
"And he could play the organ, too," Dr. Forrester mocked
in a bad parody of what Washuu had just said. "You've always
rubbed my face in that. It's not my fault my mother made me take
"Every decent evil scientist needs to be able to play a cool
musical instrument. Something ominous, like an organ or a sousaphone,"
"I'll just hire a band," Dr. Forrester countered, then
took a moment to compose himself. "Anyway, I'm running things
now, as you can see. Well, as you will see. Allow me to show you."
He turned to something that was off screen. "Come on over here,
A cyan-haired woman, dressed in a plain black suit, floated past
the view screen. "Hi, there," she waved happily at the
"Hey! That's Kasumi!" Washuu shouted.
"No. This is TV's Ryoko," Dr. Forrester corrected.
"Blech! I hated that name," Washuu said.
"It's a good name," Dr. Forrester countered.
"Yeah, it's a lot better than a crappy one like Kasumi."
TV's Ryoko made a face. "I just get an image of some cheap
prostitute or whore whenever you say a name like that."
Washuu was offended. "You shouldn't talk that way to your
A knowing glance was exchanged between TV's Ryoko and Dr. Forrester.
"You were right. She did try to use that 'I'm your mother'
angle to get me to turn against you." Ryoko turned to Washuu
once more. "You know something, if you were really my mother,
I'd rather be an orphan."
"Hey! You ingrate! I could have decided I'd rather have a
pet instead of a daughter. It'd probably have a better personality
too. Besides, you'd be better looking as a Pikachu." Washuu
folded her arms across her small bosom.
"Why you!" An energy sword appeared in TV Ryoko's hand
and Dr. Forrester was forced to restrain her to prevent her from
destroying the view screen.
Once he had TV's Ryoko under control, Dr. Forrester turned his
attention back to Washuu. "Now, in case you're wondering where
you are, I'll let you know. You are trapped in a construct of mine
I made in subspace. I call it the Satellite of Love."
"Come down here and let me give you a big dose of affection,"
"That's all right. I'm quite happy up here on your spaceship.
Besides, I'd like to keep my body parts where they belong this time
around." Forester grinned evilly at his former employer. "You
see, I have learned a lot from you in the months I've served as
your personal executive assistant."
"Personal executive assistant?" TV's Ryoko made a face.
"That sounds like a fancy way of saying you were her gofer."
"Be quiet!" Dr. Forester snapped, and then turned to
Washuu again. "Anyway, I have decided to begin my studies by
experimenting on unwilling test subjects, like you did with me,
only my experiments are going to be much worse than anything you
came up with."
"You're going to lock me in a room with a bunch of hot-looking,
well-hung male supermodels, along with a five year supply of viagra,
and then they all turn out to be gay?"
"Ah, no. Not quite that evil."
"You'll lock me in a room with a sweet, yet air-headed Galaxy
Police officer that can thwart any plan or scheme I can come up
with without even realizing it?"
"No. I'm not that evil either."
"Thank god. I have nightmares about that sort of thing."
Washuu considered things once more. "You're going to let me
out of here so I can kick your butt for locking me down here in
the first place?"
"Well, I did consider… No! I'm not going to do that!"
Dr. Forrester cleared his throat. "I'm going to keep you trapped
down there and send you really bad movies and watch you suffer endlessly.
"That doesn't sound too evil."
"You've never seen the uncut film version of 'Artemis's Lover,'
done by Juraian directing legend, Roger Korman, have you?"
"Th… that's horrible!" Washuu gasped.
"Or I can send you 'Showgirls', instead."
"AHHHH!" Washuu began screaming and pounding her fists
ineffectually at the view screen. It was an evil experiment. She
would have been very proud of Dr. Forrester if she had not been
the lab rat being experimented upon.
"No need for panic," Dr. Forrester said in a smooth voice
and thereby fulfilling the required 'No need for' statement somewhere
in the Tenchi fusion fic. "We can have a little invention exchange.
Here's the way it will work. I'll invent something, and you can
invent something. And then we'll compare the two inventions. If
what you came up with is better than what I came up with, you won't
have to watch the movie."
"Ha! I've already won." Washuu raised her hand in triumph.
"I am the Universe's Greatest Scientific Genius and you're
only a dumb old wanna be evil scientist that can't make a decent
cup of coffee. How can you possibly expect to defeat me?"
"I'll be the one judging the competition."
"That might do it," Washuu conceded. "Well, I'll
need some materials to invent something."
"Certainly." Dr. Forrester turned to TV's Ryoko. "Send
Professor Washuu her 'building materials'."
The two exchanged sinister giggles, and then Ryoko gathered some
materials and sent them via the invention exchange teleporter, to
Dr. Forrester allowed Washuu a moment to look over her materials,
and then he snickered evilly again. "I'd like to see what you
could do with a bowling pin, a couple of Ping-Pong balls, a lacrosse
stick, a bubble gum machine, and some other crappy little odds and
Washuu looked the materials over. "Aren't you going to give
me any duct tape?"
"And have you build a sub-space dimensional escape transporter?!
I think not. What kind of a fool do you take me for?"
Washuu snapped her fingers. She had thought for sure she could
have slipped that one by him. With a sigh, she said, "Tell
you what, why don't you show me your invention first, and while
you're explaining it, I'll get started on mine?" She cracked
her knuckles, pulled out a piece of chewing gum and a quarter as
her only tools, and began to work.
"A good idea," Dr. Forrester agreed. He snapped his fingers
in TV's Ryoko's direction. She teleported away, then came back with
a bizarre-looking creature in hand.
"Wow!" Washuu said in awe. "What a bizarre-looking
creature. Even I couldn't have come up with something as grotesque
"Neither could I," Dr. Forrester reluctantly admitted.
"Ryoko, you grabbed a normal platypus."
"Hey, you told me to grab the bizarre-looking creature in
the cage in the labs," TV's Ryoko defended.
"Well, not that bizarre creature. The one I want is also bizarre,
but not quite as bizarre as that."
TV's Ryoko rolled her eyes. "Whatever. And I'd appreciate
it if you didn't treat me like a gofer."
"That's 'personal executive assistant' not 'gofer', and that
is exactly what you are."
"But I wanna be a space pirate."
TV's Ryoko began sniffling. "But you said that when it came
time to choose a career, I could be anything I wanted to be, except
"Oh, all right," Dr. Forrester relented in the face of
the sniffling. "When I don't need you as a personal executive
assistant, you can be a space pirate. Now get the invention."
TV's Ryoko clapped her hands in glee and teleported to and back,
this time holding a different bizarre-looking creature. It was an
example of advanced genetic splicing of three creatures that still
managed to appear a whole lot less bizarre-looking than an everyday,
average, unaltered platypus.
Dr. Forrester held the creature behind his back so Washuu couldn't
see it. "What I have here is an example of genetic splicing
that even the self-proclaimed 'Universe's Greatest Scientific Genius'
couldn't come up with."
Washuu interrupted her work for a moment as she placed her hand
to her chin in thought. "Let me guess. It's a combination of
cat, rabbit, and mass, that has an affinity for carrots, 'miya's
a lot, and can turn into a spaceship?"
"What a lucky guess," Dr. Forrester said dryly as he
brought out the cabbit before him, holding it by its long ears.
It "Miya'd happily and waved at Washuu.
"It seemed obvious to me." Washuu waved back, then returned
to her work.
"I call her Ryo-Ohki," TV's Ryoko said cheerfully as
she took the cabbit from Dr. Forrester and began cuddling it.
It didn't matter to Dr. Forrester. There was no way even Washuu
could build anything out of the useless items he had given her.
"What's your pitiful invention?"
Washuu stood back and unveiled her masterpieces. "These are
two top-of-the-line robots." One was golden and made with the
bowling pin, Ping-Pong balls, lacrosse stick, and some of the other
odds and ends. The second robot was primarily red and made out of
the bubble gum machine.
"Washuu, you're the best," the gold one announced enthusiastically
to the world.
"Washuu, you're the greatest," the bubblegum machine
one said just as enthusiastically.
Washuu smirked at Dr. Forrester. "You see. My robots are obviously
brilliant, having deduced my true skills and inner nature within
a matter of seconds."
"Umm, actually, I don't find you all that inspiring,"
the gold one said in a much more flat and calm voice.
"And what exactly makes you 'the greatest'? The greatest what?
Redhead? Short woman? Person trapped in sub-space? And since we've
just been created and never known anyone else, doesn't that, at
the same time, also make you the worst?" the bubblegum machine
one asked in a peppy, yet practical voice.
"And if you're so great, why didn't you have build a CD player
in me? I like to listen to music," the gold one asked.
A sweatdrop formed on Washuu's forehead. "C'mon guys, behave
"I think we are well behaved."
"Yes. It's not like we've thrown any loud parties and had
Leonard Maltin pass out in the cheese dip or something."
"I like them," Dr. Forrester laughed.
"Same here," TV's Ryoko said. "What are their names?"
"Kasumi and Akane." Washuu indicated the gold one first
and the red one second. She was going to get to name something around
"Yuck! I don't like that name," the red one said.
"Me neither. I don't want to be called Kasumi." The gold
one shook his head.
"I think the gold one looks like a crow," TV's Ryoko
"Hey, cool," the newly dubbed Crow said. "It's a
smooth, yet gentle name that conveys a feeling of strength, and
yet tenderness of spirit."
"Kasumi is a gentle name too," Washuu insisted.
"No way!" Crow countered. "Saying Kasumi invokes
images of some cheap prostitute or whore. I like Crow."
The red one began hopping up and down, despite having no legs and
only the round bottom of the bubblegum machine as his base. "Pick
one for me! Pick one for me!" he shouted at TV's Ryoko.
TV's Ryoko thought about it. "You look like a Tom Servo to
"Ohhh!" Tom moaned. "That's so sensual. Just like
James Bond, except I'm not a secret agent and have no interest in
"Well, that's settled," Crow said happily.
"It is not." Washuu would have said more, but Dr. Forrester
"I think itís pretty obvious who has the better invention
"Miya," Ryo-Ohki agreed.
"That's wight. You're daddy's widdle cabbit." Dr. Forrester
scratched Ryo-Ohki behind the ears.
"Hey, scratch me behind the ears too," Crow said as he
began rubbing next to Washuu.
"Me too! Me too!" Tom said as he did likewise on Washuu's
"You two do realize you don't have ears?" Washuu pointed
"And whose fault is that?" Crow said accusingly, with
Tom joining in.
Dr. Forrester turned his attention to Washuu again. "Anyway,
this week's movie is a terrible little piece of garbage that was
directed by that well known Juraian environmentalist, Trie Huggar.
It's called, 'The Day the Trees Screamed.' Hope you enjoy itÖ NOT!
Send them the movie, Ryoko!"
Again, Dr. Forrester and TV's Ryoko, joined by their cabbit, Ryo-Ohki,
laughed or miyaed evilly as they watched Washuu shout out, "We've
got movie sign!" and then was hurled into the theater attachment
Author's notes: Not one of my better works, but I needed a break.
Next chapter of Path will be out by Sunday, with any luck. Chapter
5 is coming along slow and sure. Should go out to prereaders sometime