Fusions That Should Never Be #III:
The Replacement Excels
Somewhere in the bowels of an underground lair, safely hidden from
his admirers (who often hid their adulation within flames and death
threats) sat a fanfic author who was a legend in his own mind. Suave,
sophisticated, talented, and the envy of millions (and since he
was writing his own description, there were none within the confines
of the story who could refute such claims), he sat on his throne
(which was cunningly disguised as an office chair, right down to
the four wheels lining the bottom) and stared intently across the
desk to where the only other occupant waited.
His visitor was silent. He was a touch on the slender side, dressed
in a slightly rumpled business suit, and looked quite normal save
for one small detail: a slightly manic gleam behind his glasses.
It indicated he was not altogether right in the head, and was most
likely a warped sociopath who would one day explode, leaving a path
of destruction in his wake.
In other words, it clearly identified him as a manga artist.
The other — whose sad, pathetic gleam marked him as a fanfic
author — nodded in satisfaction, his own glasses shining in
the dim lighting of the room. "So, we meet again."
The man cocked his head quizzically.
"Actually, we have never met before. I just felt like saying
it. Adds dramatic attention." The author cleared his throat
and slid a sheaf of papers across the desk to the artist. He waited
until his guest had read over them. Once satisfied, the fanfic author
said, "So, what is your answer?"
The man pulled out a pen and quickly signed the document in two
quick strokes, then slid it back across the desk.
The fanfic author read what had been written on the paper.
"I, Koshi Rikdo, do hereby swear to gouge out my eyes with
a pencil before allowing a talentless hack director who's living
on the popularity gained by one inane film — that couldn't
even get the sequence of events right — to turn Excel Saga
into a major motion picture!"
A sweatdrop broke out from the fanfic author. "Ah, I'm not
Quentin Tarentino. Even at my absolute lowest, I have never been
that big a geek."
A look of realization dawned on Rikdo's features. He grabbed the
papers and crossed out everything he had written.
The author laughed imperiously, "As previously mentioned in
my description, I am a fanfic writer, DB Sommer, whose talents,
while not coming anywhere near to surpassing yours, can challenge
them (theoretically) for as a fanfic writer, I am not bound by the
constraints of such things as editors, profit margins, good taste,
Rikdo nodded sagely. Or so it appeared, until his head slumped
against his chest, indicating he had nodded off.
"Wake up!" DB shouted.
Rikdo roused himself from his slumber.
DB said, "All I want to know is, can I use the characters
in Excel Saga to do a really cool, deeply emotive, epic length fusion
which will stand the literary world on its ear and make my name
hailed on the lips of millions? Or at least can I do it so I can
kill a little time?"
Rikdo considered that. He then grabbed the papers and gave two
deft strokes of his pen again.
DB read over the pages, his eyes tearing with joy.
The paper said, "I, Koshi Rikdo, do hereby give permission
to DB Sommer to use the characters of Excel Saga in a fanfic (right
until the point he makes a little money, in which case I will sue
his ass for every cent he has for copyright infringement anyway.)"
"Joy," DB sighed, clutching the document to his chest
as though it was a document. Now all he had to do was obtain permission
from the other company's owners to use their characters as well.
Nah, he decided. Enough time had been burned on the prelude anyway.
Best to simply say 'screw 'em' and start writing yet another in
a continuing series of…
An Experimental Excel Saga-Love Hina crossover
by DB Sommer
Any and all C+C is appreciated. You can contact me at email@example.com
Disclaimer: I don't own the rights to any of the characters, and
boy, aren't their creators relieved? In reality, Excel Saga belongs
to Koshi Rikdo, Victor Entertainment, Shounen Gahousha, ADV Films,
and Viz Communications, and Love Hina belongs to Ken Akamatsu, Kodansha
Comics, Shounen Magazine Comics, TV Tokyo and Pioneer Entertainment.
[Forward: Ordinarily, this is where I would apologize to you in
advance for what is to come, but since I've done these before, you
should know what to expect. Remember, any adverse affects that happen
to you after reading this are entirely YOUR fault. Yes, the title
to the fic was plaigeriz… I mean inspired by Angus MacSpon's
'The Replacement Ranmas'. So any adverse affects that happen to
you after reading this are entirely his fault, as well
And now, on to the fic…
Illpalazzo sat on his throne (which looked suspiciously like the
chair from the prelude) in the secret headquarters of ACROSS. Standing
before him, within the cavernous chamber, was the entire membership
of his organization, which was bent on global domination.
"Hail Illpalazzo!" Excel chimed in her melodic, manic,
relentless, high-pitched voice.
Hyatt coughed up some blood, which sufficed for her vow of commitment
to ACROSS and its ideals.
"What are your orders for today, oh great and imperious leader?!"
Excel cried out.
Illpalazzo's hand wandered to his chin in consideration. "I
fear recent events have forced me to reconsider our positioning
for successful global domination."
"I see," Excel said.
"Do you?" Illpalazzo asked.
"Not really. I just blindly agree with everything you say."
"I suspected as much," the overlord said in a tired voice.
"What I'm trying to say is, we're in bad shape since our series
has been discontinued."
"Nooooo!" Excel wailed. "It's not fair! We're the
biggest, bestest, most innovative popular series ever created, due
in no small part to our glorious leader's bright and wonderful leadership!
Send me to kill all those producers and directors that would dare
to do the unthinkable!" Excel pulled weapons from her outfit,
swinging a sword and firing a gun at invisible artists.
"I'll help," Hyatt offered quietly.
Illpalazzo shook his head. "There's a better way to revive
interest in our series."
"We'll have a story with a strong social message about the
desire for peace and an end to violence!" Excel began swinging
the sword and firing her gun again.
"No," Illpalazzo corrected over the sounds of gunfire.
"A stirring story about animal rights! People love cute and
cuddly animals! We could talk about… oh, I'm getting hungry."
She pulled out a knife and fork. "I wonder if Menchi is around."
"Gratuitous lesbian sex!" Excel proclaimed, and smacked
Hyatt affectionately on her bottom.
"Again, you are off the mark," Illpalazzo declared. "No,
what we need to do is resort to a ground that hasn't been covered
by Excel Saga yet: that of fanfiction."
Excel visibly deflated. "Aw, that never works."
"I have confidence that it will," Illpalazzo said. "Moreover,
to have an immediate impact, we will have a fusion with another
series that is much beloved by otaku everywhere."
"Speed Racer!" Excel suggested.
"Too screwed up, even by Excel Saga standards."
"My Neighbor Totoro!"
"No one messes with Miyazaki."
Illpalazzo pulled out a gun and shot Excel in the head.
The Great Will of the Universe just happened to drift by and noticed
Excel's body. "It's time to get up, Excel. The fusion has only
just begun." She then promptly resurrected the corpse.
Excel cradled her head in her hands. "How odd. I seem to have
developed a splitting headache centering right between my eyes."
"And mine stopped at the same time," Illpalazzo said.
"In any case, we are going to be fused with Love Hina. It was
chosen because it's a newer popular series that will give us a chance
to explore untraveled pathways, avenues of character development,
and plots that will provide unique insights into one's fellow man."
"Ranma ½ was unavailable, wasn't it?" Hyatt inquired.
"Booked solid until 2006," Illpalazzo confirmed.
Excel considered her leader's words. "Hmm. If we're going
to be made into a fusion, that means someone is going to be axed
and substituted for a Love Hina character. It'll have to be a regular,
and a woman, since Love Hina doesn't have any popular male characters."
"What about Keitaro Urashima?" Hyatt said.
"I said 'popular male characters'."
"Oh, sorry, sempai. You're quite correct."
Excel placed a hand around Hyatt's shoulders. "I'm sorry,
Hyatt-chan, but this is good-bye. I'm sure you'll find a nice series
somewhere and be able to join the cast. Say, you're an alien, how
about Tenchi? That has lots of alien girls and I bet you and Tenchi
hit it off and I can't believe he's as big a weenie as they show
him in the series so it'll probably be okay—"
Illpalazzo cleared his throat, gaining the girls' attention. He
grabbed at the nearby rope that was dangling from the ceiling. "I'm
afraid, Excel, that you are the one that will be replaced."
Excel's eyes widened in shock. Tears fell as she pleaded in an
anguished voice, "Not me…"
"Yes, it must be you."
"But why?!" she wailed.
"Hyatt's a major hottie."
Hyatt blushed, or so it appeared, until a moment later the source
of the redness proved to be something else as a gout of blood exploded
from her mouth and she fell to the floor, dead.
For the next couple of minutes anyway.
"I'm also hoping to cash in on a new merchandising line. We
can sell far more if it's a new central character to our series."
From the folds of his massive cape, Illpalazzo pulled out what appeared
to be an Excel plushie, save for the fact it was taller, had longer
hair, and unquestionably a better rack. He pulled on the drawstring
attached to it. As it coiled back into the doll, it declared in
a high-pitched voice, "Naru-cel Punch!"
Excel's shoulders slumped helplessly as Illpalazzo pulled the cord
dangling from the ceiling. She remained standing in mid-air long
enough to wave good-bye before plummeting to her doom.
For the next couple of minutes anyway.
The trap door swung shut. Illpalazzo gave an excessively dramatic
wave of his hand. "Bring in the first Replacement Excel!"
Hidden off camera, a group of eight women, all dressed in uniforms
identical to Excel, entered the room. There was a bit of discussion
among the group, which sounded more akin to a heated debate than
a civil conversation.
Finally, one of them stepped forward. Well, it was more like 'pushed'
forward, but since it made her stand apart from the cluster, she
was the first chosen as Illpalazzo indicated with a curl of his
finger that she was to approach.
"Why me?" Naru complained.
Mitsune, one of the people that had shoved her the hardest, explained,
"You were the female lead in our series. It's only reasonable
that you get first crack at female lead for the fusion."
"I don't have time to take a job that involves trying to achieve
global domination," Naru huffed. "I have to take care
of Keitaro since we've already proclaimed our love for one another
Another of the group, Mutsumi, said, "If you get the job and
can't come back, don't worry, we'll be more than happy to take care
of Kei-chan for you."
Naru saw the way certain others reacted to the statement, and her
eyebrow began twitching. Shinobu and Motoko blushed furiously, Mitsune
had a devious look on her face (though that was always
there), Mutsumi had a pleasant smile (but she always had a pleasant
smile no matter the circumstances, so how could Naru know if the
girl was plotting something or not?), and Suu… Well, Suu was
Suu, meaning she could try straddling any given part of Keitaro's
anatomy whenever she felt like it.
Naru was about to protest again when Haruka said, "You should
go," in a voice that said 'just because it sounded like a suggestion
doesn't mean it's not an order'. Having nowhere near enough willpower
to resist someone that… Haruka-like, Naru reluctantly stepped
to the center of the room until she stood in the exact spot where
the original Excel had been but moments before.
Illpalazzo asked, "You're the first to apply for the job?"
"Yes, Illyap… Illapyo… Boss," Naru finally
"You lack a certain vibrancy that is needed for the role,"
Offended at the very idea of being inadequate for anything, Naru's
earlier hesitation was quickly replaced by an equal amount of anger.
"I can be very vibrant! You just watch!" She rolled up
her short sleeve and said, "I… That is… Hail…
Um…" Naru scratched her head, totally at a loss.
Mitsune whispered, "Describe your relationship with Keitaro,
and be honest."
Naru blushed furiously. "Well, Keitaro can be nice when he
wants to be and isn't a complete and total loser all the time. He's
been there for me when I really need him, and he's been encouraging
and sometimes needs help from others even though he's afraid to
ask but I don't mind that since I'm sort of the same way and he
doesn't just give up when the going gets tough and keeps trying
no matter how bad it is."
Nodding his head, Illpalazzo said, "I see you are a bit vibrant
Naru didn't hear a thing, now in full rant mode as her voice began
to rise. "On the other hand he acts perverted all the time
he'll blush and stammer when he's around other pretty girls and
doesn't flatly reject the advances of other women like he should
and he's insensitive to my needs a lot of the time—"
Illpalazzo held his hand to his head, grimacing slightly. "Very…
"—And doesn't know what I want and I have to actually
tell him what I want instead of him knowing which is what men are
supposed to do if they're interested in a girl and then he gets
me angry when he doesn't do what he's supposed to or he screws up
or he embarrasses me which happens a lot and sometimes he makes
me lose my temper and I end up hitting him which is not my fault
because he makes me—"
"…Too vibrant." Illpalazzo pulled the
Naru found herself standing on air. As she fell, her skirt flipped
up and showed off her panties to everyone that could see. She gave
a low screech before the trapdoor muffled the noise as it slammed
"Next," the overlord ordered.
Motoko was shoved forward by the others. She hesitantly walked
to where Naru had stood previously. Her outfit was identical to
Excel's as well, including the size. Given Motoko's larger dimensions,
it made for quite the interesting (and highly fanservicey) sight.
She blushed furiously, hand over the top of her outfit, right where
the ample cleavage was showing
"You're a bit tall," Illpalazzo commented idly.
Motoko shifted nervously. "I cannot work in such revealing
garb. Can't I wear something else?"
The overlord shook his head. "No, it comes with the job description.
Fanservice never hurt any series."
"But it shows too much," Motoko insisted.
The now recovered Hyatt disagreed. "I think it looks nice
on you. Besides, you can't expect a man to fall for you if you only
dress in stuffy kendoist garb all the time. At least that's what
sempai always used to say."
"I have no interest in men—" Motoko abruptly stopped
as one of the cute and cuddly Puchuus waddled into the room, rug
beater in hand, cutely chanting "Pu-chu," as it made its
way to the kendoist.
"Ahhh!" Motoko screeched. "Not a Puchuu! They're
even more terrifying than turtles! DIE!" She drew her katana
and arced a slice toward the creature's cute head.
It casually raised the rug beater above its head and blocked the
blade, giving a curious "Pu-chu?"
Motoko slumped to her knees, stunned at being defeated so easily.
"I really hate this outfit."
The action made Illpalazzo frown. "Even Excel could
take out an entire battlecruiser filled with an invasion force of
Puchuus by accident. That you cannot dispatch even one shows your
inability to fill this role." Illpalazzo pulled the rope once
more, and Motoko fell down into the pit, relieved at being sent
from the room, though unaware that the pit's contents were a horde
of voracious snapping turtles.
Before the trapdoor could close, a hand reached out from the shaft.
Slowly, a figure crawled out. Naru, covered in seaweed and with
several snapping turtles nibbling on her bottom, stalked her way
toward Illpalazzo. A low red aura surrounded her.
"Yes?" Illpalazzo asked.
"You saw my panties, you pervert!" Naru drew back a fist
and struck Illpalazzo full in the face.
Rather than be sent sailing away, Illpalazzo simply rubbed his
jaw. He then pulled out a bazooka and stuck it in Naru's face.
Laughing nervously, Naru said, "Ah, you're not supposed to
do that. When I get angry after being embarrassed and hit the person
responsible, they're supposed to go sailing away and then apologize
profusely for doing it. It's a standard reaction for the entire
In a calm voice, the overlord declared, "One thing Excel Saga
is known for is its open defiance of all convention," and then
pulled the trigger.
The Great Will of the Universe came in, swept up the remains, and
threw them into her void. A moment later, she spat Naru out, the
girl disoriented, but decidedly alive and in one piece.
Suu ran forward and shouted gleefully, "Me! Me next! I want
to get blown up too!"
Illpalazzo said, "If you get the job, I'm sure it will happen
"That happened to sempai all the time," Hyatt seconded.
Unlike the previous contenders, Suu wore a large grin on her face.
She happily saluted and said, "Hail Illpalazzo!"
The overlord of all he surveyed (which was currently his Super
Secret Underground Headquarters and nothing else) noted that Suu's
bubbly nature matched up well with Excel's. He pulled out her job
application. "It says here you're active, vibrant, oftentimes
silly, and have the technical know how to create anything out of
Suu jumped up and shouted, "Yep!"
Going through his pockets, he threw her a thimble, three empty
candy wrappers, a broken clock radio, and some belly button lint.
"What can you do with those?"
A minute later, a fully functional Zaku Mobile Suit towered before
Illpalazzo appeared impressed.
Suu said, "If you had given me some duct tape, I could have
made a Type 00 Gundam, complete with a clone of Heero 'Yaoi Fangirl
Illpalazzo's satisfaction doubled. "Well, I'd say you are
more than qualified—" his voice trailed off as he noticed
one last detail that had escaped his attention on the first read
through. "It says here you occasionally take on an older form
and have powers identical to those of a magical girl."
"Yep," Suu said happily.
"How unfortunate. We here at Excel Saga might seem like we
just do whatever comes to mind whenever and wherever we feel like
it, but in truth, there are three standards we enforce. One of them
is that there is never a time when mimes can be regarded as humorous.
The second is unmentionable. And the third is that there will be
no actual magical girls on the set (since our creators will do a
separate series devoted to them and we don't want to desensitize
the audience to it). I'm afraid you're disqualified." Illpalazzo
pulled the cord and the trap door dropped.
Before gravity exerted its will upon Suu, she pushed a button on
her belt buckle. Two miniature jets popped out of her belt and ignited,
preventing her descent into the murky depths.
Illpalazzo shook his head at the happily hovering girl. "I
know now I made the right choice. I cannot stand impertinence. You
see, the way it works is, whenever I pull the cord, you have to
fall to your temporary doom. Instead you have circumvented my punishment;
an unacceptable action." Position explained, Illpalazzo pulled
out his bazooka.
"Yay!" Suu cheered. It was cut off as the explosive hit
her, blowing her into tiny pieces.
"Busy day, busy day," The Great Will of the Universe
sighed as she once again picked up the fragments and reassembled
them in the form of Suu.
Groggily, Suu chanted "Molecular reassembly is fun! Let's
do it again!"
Mutsumi decided it was her turn and voluntarily headed toward the
center of the room. So intent was she on impressing Illpalazzo that
she failed to take note of the Puchuu walking right in front of
her. She stepped directly upon it, sending both herself and the
alien crashing to the ground.
The Puchuu reverted to its far more repulsive 'injured' form and
cried out, "Oh my god! I can't feel my legs!" as it squirmed
on the ground.
Mutsumi herself crashed to the floor, striking chin first. She
gave no cry of pain, but instead simply lay there.
Hyatt moved closer and felt for a pulse. "I think she's dead."
"Are you certain?" Illpalazzo asked.
"I am somewhat familiar with that condition," Hyatt said.
"Don't worry. She'll get better," Mistune offered in
between hits of the bottle of sake she had brought along.
Illpalazzo considered the statement. "While she would certainly
make for a good Replacement Hyatt, we have no job openings for that
position at the moment. I'm afraid she does not get the job either."
Haruka and Shinobu dragged Mutsumi's prone body back with them.
Illpalazzo discovered a tickle of discontent, centered curiously
on his rear end. He was surprised that the difficulty of finding
a Replacement Excel was proving so irritating, but then realized
the source was not the nature of the interviews, but that he had
merely sat on his pen. He pulled it out and affixed it to his lapel.
Sarah ran enthusiastically forward and made a dramatic jump onto
the trap door.
Illpalazzo immediately shot her in the head. "That's enough
The Great Will of the Universe started to float over the girl to
reanimate her, then reconsidered. Some things were best
Illpalazzo pulled the rope, sending the body into the depths. He
couldn't help noticing all the girls high-fiving one another. "Next."
Mitsune staggered forward, bottle in hand. Unlike most of the previous
interviewees, not only did she appear comfortable in the Excel uniform,
but she was posing seductively in it. She stopped on top of the
trapdoor, winked at Illpalazzo, then blew him a kiss. "Hail
Una Paloma Blanca!"
"No drunks on the job." Illpalazzo pulled the cord again.
At least he was disposing of the disappointments more quickly now.
Like anything else, the more repetitions you did, the easier it
A man with spiky blond hair, which resembled nothing so much as
the business end of a broom, made his way over. He was dressed like
the others, save that he had a gun belt on the Excel uniform, and
there was a large six shooter residing in the holster.
He held up his hand, forming a 'V' with his ring and middle finger,
and said, "Love and… I mean, hail Illpalazzo!"
"Who are you?" the overlord asked.
"I'm Vash the Stampede. I'm here for the obligatory gratuitous
other fic reference in this fusion. Every fic needs one, so I decided
to come on down. The villains you guys fight really aren't any worse
than those Gung Ho Guns I had to deal with. And I heard you had
a killer donut benefit plaaAAAANNNN!"
Vash's voice trailed into the distance as he plummeted to his temporary
doom. The last words everyone heard where, "Couldn't you have
at least spared one with chocolate and some sprinkles?"
Illpalazzo toyed idly with the rope. "Next."
Shivering so much that she looked like a vibrator left on overdrive,
Shinobu began to move forward. She inched along the tile, covering
herself as best as she could, each step seeming to take an eternity.
But since the Will of the Universe had other places to be before
an eternity passed, she speeded time up so that Shinobu was standing
directly upon the trapdoor before the paragraph was over.
Her lower lip quivering frantically, Shinobu whispered out. "Huh…
huh… huh… hail… hail… hail… Ill…
Illpalazzo finally asked, "What's wrong, little girl?"
Shinobu broke down and curled into a fetal position on the floor.
"You're going to drop me into the pit like everyone else and
I'll be devoured by sea creatures lurking in the bottom!"
Illpalazzo made soothing sounds. "Now, now. I didn't do it
to everyone. The dead girl, for instance. I let her be dragged away."
"Thu… That's buh-because DB is a Mutsumi fanboy and
that affords her some puh-protection. But he's not a big fan of
mine. That means I'll get dumped, too!" she wailed.
Illpalazzo clucked dismissively. "I won't drop you into the
Shinobu slowed down in her sniffling. "You won't?"
"No," Illpalazzo assured her. "The sadistic enjoyment
I derived from tossing Excel and your friends into the pit wouldn't
apply to you; you're too quiet and easily intimidated. It would
be like showing a blind man Rorschach inkblots and asking him what
he thinks of when he sees them: it's too darn easy. You have nothing
to fear. Run along, little girl." He shooed her away
Shinobu scampered back to the crowd of girls.
The final interviewee stepped forward. Everyone in the room agreed
there was something unquestionably warped about Haruka being decked
out in an Excel outfit, trademark cigarette dangling from her mouth.
Illpalazzo shook his head. "Surely this is a joke. This is
a job opening for a young, spry, amphetamine-enhanced manic girl,
not some middle-aged, cellulite-laden, laid-back old maid. You'll
never do at all."
Haruka's eyebrow twitched. In the blink of an eye she somehow crossed
the distance and nailed Illpalazzo right in the jaw. He went sailing
across the room, bouncing off the walls like it was a racquetball
court and he was the ball, one that had just been shot out of a
cannon. Eventually inertia grew tired of the rapid bouncing and
exerted the enforcement of its laws, forcing the overlord to stop.
His landing resulted in him ending him up at Hyatt's feet. She helped
him return to a vertical base.
Once upright, Illpalazzo brushed himself off, as though he had
merely stumbled. To Haruka, he said, "Upon careful reconsideration,
you are perfect for the job."
Naru stomped forward, then leveled an accusatory finger at Illpalazzo.
"Hey, how come you let her smack you around and didn't blow
her butt up for daring to attack you?!"
Illpalazzo cleared his throat. "It's because even in Excel
Saga, there are simply some lines you cannot cross."
Haruka nodded in affirmation.
"I see," Naru said.
A pull rope suddenly descended from the ceiling directly above
Illpalazzo. He pulled on it, causing the section of flooring beneath
Naru to drop out.
"But there are other lines we'll gleefully cross again and
again until the joke has been beaten to death," he informed
Naru, who had long since fallen down into the shaft, cursing the
overlord as she once again plummeted into the murky depths.
To Haruka, Illpalazzo said, "There is one more stipulation
that has to be taken care of. It's minor, really. Just one of those
red tape things. In order to have you under ACROSS insurance coverage,
you'll have to give up cigarettes."
"It's not lit," she pointed out
Illpalazzo shook his head. "It doesn't matter. The terms of
the coverage are quite specific. You have to give up cigarettes
completely, even if you don't smoke them. No insurance, no joining
ACROSS. We might be planning to take over the world, crushing all
the world governments under my heel, but I wouldn't dare try to
do anything without proper coverage. Even ACROSS cannot withstand
the fury of lawyers."
"Forget it, then. I'm not joining," Haruka told him,
and rejoined the group of remaining girls.
"Next," Illpalazzo said. However, no one appeared. "Is
that it?" he asked the group.
"That's all the regular female cast members," Shinobu
confirmed. "There are a number of one volume walk-ons and a
handful of girls that are post episode 24, but I don't think they
would qualify due to the late nature of their arrival in the series."
Illpalazzo shook his head. "You are quite correct. It would
have to be a regular from the earlier parts of the series in order
to have any true level of recognition of their participation of
the fusion." He sighed tiredly. "Very well, you are all
free to leave. Better luck with your next interview."
The girls departed, accidentally leaving the still unconscious
Suddenly DB appeared by bursting through a wall. He sported a ridiculously
large afro as he shouted, "This cannot be!"
"I agree," Illpalazzo said. "Your appearance in
what is obviously a weak attempt at impersonating Nabeshin does
not qualify as a fusion. Rather, it's a Self-Insert."
"That's not what I meant!" DB wailed. "I promised
a 'Fusion That Should Never Be' and I've got to come up with one.
It just never occurred to me that I, DB 'The Really Great And Not
Self Absorbed' Sommer, whose literary talents have made single digit
numbers of people almost swoon, would be unable to fuse two diverse
series such as Excel Saga with Love Hina."
"You can always replace Hyatt with that Mutsumi girl,"
Hyatt nodded. "It would be all right. I had a request to fill
in for Mitsuki from Full Moon wo Sagashite as part of someone else's
fusion. Apparently it's going to be short, since they want her character
to die part way through the third scene. They think I'd be ideal
for the role."
DB suddenly gained a furtive look. "No! Mutsumi-sama is mine!
She must be virgin territory until I'm ready for my Love Hina fic:
'A Really Cool New Gaijin Comes To Stay At The Hinata Inn And Get
Some Red Hot Monkey Lovin' With Mutsumi-Sama (And He's Definitely
Not An SI, Even If His Name Is DB.)' The fans will eat it up alive."
DB's eyes suddenly alighted upon Mutsumi's unconscious form. He
rushed over to her side, and gently cradled her in a lover's embrace.
"Ah, Mutsumi-sama, how I, err, I mean how 'Really Cool New
Gaijin' longs to touch your sweet lips." He leaned over to
At that moment, Mutsumi's eyes fluttered open. With a flick of
the wrist, she produced a can of mace and emptied it into DB's eyes.
"AHHH! I'm blind!" DB howled as he clawed at his eyes,
trying to rip them from their sockets.
Mutsumi stood up and gave the blinded DB a knee to the groin. It
caused him to double over and mewl like a newborn lamb; one that
had just been gelded with a red hot poker.
Mutsumi smiled pleasantly and bowed before Illpalazzo and Hyatt.
"It was a pleasure meeting both of you."
They bowed in return. Mutsumi exited the room in a hurry to catch
up to the others.
"She just enjoys playing hard to get," DB moaned from
"That still doesn't resolve the Fusion issue," Illpalazzo
As DB recovered, he informed Illpalazzo, "Actually, Mutsumi's
love tap has given me a new insight into the problem. I think it
has to do with the manner in which the two series were to be fused.
Now here's my plan…"
"Thank goodness we're finally here." Naru breathed a
sigh of relief as she and the other girls stood outside of the Hinata
"I'm glad that ridiculous attempt at a fusion is over,"
Motoko agreed. Snapping turtles were easily as terrifying as hot
springs turtles. And she was still trying to exorcise that sight
of the evil little Puchuu that seemed seared forever into her mind.
"But what are we going to do about Sarah?" Shinobu asked
of the only girl that had departed Hinata Inn, only to not return.
"People don't pop up in every episode, and it's not like anyone
wants to see her. I'd be willing to bet after she's failed
to appear for a while, everyone will forget about her," Mitsune
"I can't wait to relieve some of my tension in that hot spring,"
Naru said as she opened the door and announced, "We're home!"
"How very nice to see you."
"AHHH!" Naru screamed as everyone else came to a stop
around her. "What are you doing here?"
As though his presence was the most natural thing in the world,
Illpalazzo dramatically threw back his cape and said, "It was
decided that rather than forcing a Love Hina character into the
Excel Saga storyline, DB would do the opposite and fuse an Excel
Saga character into Love Hina. Since Keitaro was the central figure,
he was the obvious choice to be replaced. I passed my interview
with flying colors. Leading ACROSS isn't all that different from
running an All Girls Dormitory, after all."
"That's ridiculous!" Naru raged. "You can't replace
Keitaro! You're nothing like him!"
Illpalazzo said, "Nonsense. We have a great deal in common.
We both possess a sort of affable charm, a winning smile, a relentless
desire to accomplish our goals to the point of obsessive fixation,
and most important of all, we both wear glasses."
Mitsune's eyes widened. "My God! He's right! The resemblance
between them is uncanny!"
"Indeed," Illpalazzo agreed. "Also, you should know
that in order for the fusion to have maximum impact, it was decided
to restart things with the first episode. Therefore, as your new
manager, there will be a few changes around here. All rent will
be paid on time, or else!" To illustrate his warning, he pulled
on the nearby rope that dangled from the ceiling, causing the floor
under Motoko's feet to drop out. The kendoist immediately plummeted
into the depths.
"Nooo! Not more turtles!" her voice trailed off in the
Illpalazzo emphatically stated, "There will be no drinking!"
Mitsune visibly deflated, but offered no other protest. Resignedly,
she said, "I was getting a beer gut anyway."
The former overlord-now-manager nodded in satisfaction. "And
every time you first see me, you will greet me with a resounding,
"Hail Illpalazzo!" the girls greeted.
Pleased by their quick obedience, the overlord smiled. "Also,
since this is a romantic comedy, and I am the male lead, one of
you will become my primary love interest."
Naru started sweating as all eyes turned towards her. "Wait!
I was already the lead once. It's someone else's turn. Why not let
Mutsumi be it? She's got the springy hair forelocks, just like me."
Mutsumi bowed. "I'm sorry, but this is episode one. I can't
be considered since I don't appear until much later in the series,
when everything has already been decided." She headed for the
"You're just ducking out because you don't want to be interested
in him either!" Naru spat as Mutsumi shot her a smile all the
way out of the inn. She saw the others were still looking at her
expectedly. "But I don't want to be this jerk's romantic interest!"
Surprisingly, Illpalazzo sniffled and turned away. "You're
categorical rejection of me hurts my feelings. You don't even know
what I'm like."
Naru cringed at the unexpected display. Feeling like a heel, she
walked up and gently laid a hand on Illpalazzo shoulder. "I'm
sorry. That was insensitive of me."
Illpalazzo spun around and punched her in the face, sending her
body flying through the air until it impacted into a wall. The wall
buckled and collapsed upon her, burying her under a massive amount
Groggily, Naru's voice floated up from the pile. "Hey, I'm
supposed to hit you when you offend me, not the other way around."
Now his normal, placid self, the new manager said, "Everyone
always does that. I thought we'd try something different this time
"That would be a refreshing change from the standard generic
romantic plot," Mitsune said as she reconsidered things. "You
know something, he's kind of cute, especially in that sexy evil
overlord outfit of his. His shoulders look really broad. I think
I'd like to be his romantic interest."
"I'm attracted to his megalomania! Count me in!" Suu
"Maybe some of his limitless confidence will rub off on me,"
Shinobu said, then added. "He has a cute butt, too."
Haruka said, "It's about time I had someone my age to look
at, besides that loser, Seta."
"For God's sake, get them off! Get them off!" Motoko
screamed from deep within the pit.
Now surrounded by his flock of admirers, Illpalazzo made his way
deeper into the inn. From behind, he could hear Naru wail, "Wait,
I'm interested in him too. That he's willing to hit me for stepping
out of line shows he's nowhere near the weenie Keitaro was."
Life was quickly getting back to normal in the Hinata Inn.
Fusions That Should Never Be III: The Replacement Excels.
Today's experiment… FAILED!
DB: And now, for those of you concerned with the fate of Excel
Audience: We aren't.
DB: Be quiet! I wrote it, so you have to read it.
Now you've come to the part we like to call…
(Note the importance due to the capital letters.)
The main room of the headquarters of ACROSS was nearly pitch-black
as the trap door burst open dramatically. A hand appeared above
the rim; whoever was on the other end was obviously clinging for
dear life. After the fingers nearly slipped twice, losing their
precious hold, the grip firmed. Then with a Herculean effort, Excel
hoisted herself back into the throne room belonging to Illpalazzo.
Instantly, a spotlight in the ceiling activated, highlighting her.
She stared past the bright light and into the darkened room. She
could just see the silhouettes of Illpalazzo and Hyatt standing
next to his throne.
Sensing the spotlight was for her benefit, Excel accepted center
stage and chirped, "I'm back! Boy, the pit seemed way deeper
than usual. It took me the entire episode just to haul myself back
into the room where all the action happened without me for a change.
I can't say I care for these sorts of stories where the action centers
on someone other than the main protagonist, which is me. I mean
having a day off is nice and all but I love my job and this is the
entertainment industry and the instant you're out of the limelight
for even a second your lose your position to some younger flavor
of the month star while you become some washed up direct to video
actor like Eric Roberts which is sort of what you tried to do to
me today but I forgive you since you're Illpalazzo and I worship
the ground you walk on with a fanatical devotion that would make
even the most obsessed stalker jealous with envy not that you…
Excel scratched her head in confusion. Usually at that point in
her speech she would have been dumped back into the pit by now,
or killed in some manner. Yet nothing happened. Instead the darkened
pair remained in the darkness, saying nothing.
Excel's eyes scanned everywhere, but no other shadowy figures could
be seen. "I can't help but notice there doesn't seem to be
a replacement Excel. I can't say I'm surprised. I'm irreplaceable,
especially when you're considering substituting me with someone
from some contrived so-called comedy romance series when you know
from the first episode who the main guy will end up with and all
the attempts to imply some sort of romantic tension by having other
females fall for him fail miserably. Perhaps that can be a new experiment
for us to try someday?" Excel offered, waiting to have the
trapdoor open beneath her.
Again nothing happened.
Excel began to sweat. "Illpalazzo-sama, is something wrong."
"Lights!" came the stern order from the chair.
Excel was finally able to make out the two figures. Hyatt was there,
at the base of the throne next to the sitting figure's feet. However
she was dressed as a geisha, her kimono all but falling off her
shoulders, revealing her pale skin underneath. And as to the other….
"It's you!" Excel gasped in excessively dramatic fashion.
"One of the best villains in an anime series in years. A character
so intriguing and whose charisma is so great that he is the sole
reason Rurouni Kenshin made it to a third season before being canceled.
You're also famous for being in more 'The Mummy' fusions than any
other anime character, and have exclusive advertising contracts
with Ace Bandages."
Mokoto Shishio, decked out in Illpalazzo regalia (while still being
in his standard bandages) stood up, laughing insanely. "That's
right, Excel. They couldn't replace you, so they decided to substitute
one sinister mastermind for another. It's not that hard a replacement,
since I too had an insidious plan to overthrow the government and
control Japan and was only thwarted in my attempt by having putsy
or weak-willed underlings. And despite being saddled with those
weenies, I still would have won, if I hadn't been a cripple to begin
with. Now I have a second chance, and with access to the vast resources
of ACROSS, my dreams of domination can at last reach fruition! MUAHA-HA-HA-HA!!!"
Excel's eyes widened. "Wow! That was a totally cool and excessive
exposition of your presence here, just like a real evil
overlord will do. You even threw in some sinister laughter and ended
a statement with enough emphasis, with not one, but three exclamation
points, which Illpalazzo never seemed to do. Since this is a fusion,
I will shift my continuous and unending one-sided adoration of Illpalazzo-sama
to you. I volunteer to be your Yumi character equivalent."
Shishio shook his head. "Don't be ridiculous. Hyatt here makes
a much better and more efficient Yumi. Watch." He looked to
Hyatt. "Be a dear and get me some tea, would you?"
"Yes, Shishio, Sir." Hyatt stood up and took a step in
the direction of ACROSS's commissary.
Shishio lashed out with his sword, driving it into her back and
clean through her chest. She vomited blood, then the life left her
eyes and her body slumped supported on the sword by Shishio's near
inhuman strength alone.
Shishio withdrew the sword and let her fall to the floor in a heap.
Within seconds, Hyatt's coughed, and sat up. She looked to Shishio.
"Would you like sugar with that?"
"See?" Shishio bellowed. "It's great. I can run
her through again and again, and in a few minutes, she's back up
on her feet and eager to help. She's even better than the real Yumi.
I mean, you ran her through once and she was useless, except for
fertilizer, and I've never been into gardening."
Excel began crying. "No. It can't be. I must have some use
to you, Illpalaz… I mean Shishio-sama."
"Of course I have a use for you," Shishio assured her.
"Trap door tester?" Excel inquired. "I'm real good
at it. Pull that dangling rope and you'll see."
Shishio scoffed. "No, it'll be something more important."
"Official toilet cleaner?"
"Well, not quite that useful. I'm putting you in charge of
"Yes!" Excel began her happy dance, using a remix of
Aqua's 'Happy Boys and Girls'. Many of the Puchuus joined, and the
musical number was on.
Just as Excel started into the first chorus, Shishio clarified,
"That is, you'll be in charge of my Second Squad of Jupengata."
Excel immediately stopped in middle of her tap dancing routine.
"Yes, I try to keep a bunch of morons and idiots around as
a second squad. Usually they're so incompetent that even with a
hundred men backing them, they can get taken down by a pre-teen
and a couple of teenagers armed with sticks. It keeps the protagonist's
comedic side-kicks from getting underfoot when I deal with the main
Excel cheered. "I can deal with their kind. I'm great at comic
relief!" She began hitting herself in the head with a rubber
chicken, and smashing coconut-crème pies into her face.
"I can see you are." A menacing smile crept across Shishio's
face. "Let the world now tremble in fear. The old ACROSS is
dead, but like a phoenix, it has risen from the ashes."
"And just a little more crispy around the edges than before!"
Excel said as she poked at Shishio's bandages.
Shishio continued, "The entire world shall bow before our
new and improved organization: ACROSS 2, the Sequel. Everybody laugh
with me, and make it sinister!"
A trio of "MUAHA-HA-HA'S!" echoed throughout the headquarters.
Fusions That Should Never Be IV: The Replacement
Never coming to a fic near you.
Author's notes: There now, that wasn't so good, was it? Let this
be a lesson to you as to why fusions can be a very, very bad thing.
Special thanks to: Aondehafka and Zorknot.