Fusions That Should Never Be #I:
SailorEva

Disclaimer: Sailor Moon is the property of Naoko Takeuchi, Toei Animation, and Kodansha. The American rights are owned by DIC.  Neon Genesis Evangelion belongs to GAINAX/Project Eva, TV Tokyo, NAS.

Author’s notes: <absolutely inane banter> As you may already know, there are some people that insist that anything can be a crossover with anything else. Though technically true, this is not necessarily a good thing. For example: Mad Bull with Magical Girl Pretty Sammy, Windaria with Kimagure Orange Road, Dark Warrior with anything, or Ranma ½ with Marvel Comic’s “Avengers”… Er, never mind about that last one, but you get the idea. And even though some of them can be put together, if by some miracle it works… The way in which it's done is all-too-often bungled, and you end up with what is most commonly known as the 'BAD FUSION IDEA'. Well, here's one of those for your reading pleasure (or pain; they're so much alike, who can tell the difference?). </absolutely inane banter>

This gets raunchy in some places; suggestive, but nothing explicit. It's all done for humor.

As always, C+C is craved for. My email is: sommer@3rdm.net

Chapter 1

Shinji Ikari was in a foul mood. First, his train was late. Second, his ride was late. Third, there was a giant, ugly creature attacking Tokyo-3 and blowing up everything that moved. And lastly, he had stepped in some gum and it was sticking to his shoe like nobody's business. The last was the primary cause of his concern. He couldn't even walk without feeling his foot drag as the chewed-up piece of unknown gray substance tried to cling to the street while maintaining its hold on his sole. And judging by how close the giant monster was getting to him, he wasn't going to get a chance to remove it, either.

Just as it looked like it was all over, a car skidded to a halt next to him. The passenger's side door opened and within was revealed an attractive woman, about in her thirties, with long legs and her hair done up in a long brown ponytail. It took a moment for Shinji to recognize her from the picture she had sent earlier, the one with the gratuitous fan-service shot (which would have turned on someone with an actual spine).

"Get in!" the woman shouted as she saw Shinji hesitate right before getting in the car. The Angel's foot crashed within ten meters of the vehicle, forcing the woman to reach out, grab Shinji by his shirt, and drag him into the car before taking off at top speed.

Once they put some distance between themselves and the angel, the woman began to speak. "Sorry I was late, but traffic was a mess." She looked Shinji over. "Say, you look a lot like an old boyfriend of mine."

Shinji began to blush. True, whatshername, Makoto Katsuragi, if he remembered correctly, was attractive, but she was also old enough to be his mother. Maybe she meant someone from when she was a teenager. That made sense. Either that, or he was being picked up by a potential child molester.

Makoto's eyes traced a large bomber flying overhead. "Uh oh. We'd better get out of here. Time to go faster."

They were already going close to a hundred kilometers an hour. "I don't want to go any faster!" Shinji exclaimed.

"Would you rather get blown up in the five-mile-wide explosion of that N2 mine they're dropping back there?"

Shinji seriously considered that. "I'd like to go much faster."

"That's the spirit! " Makoto pumped her fist in the air once before placing her hand in an odd hole in the dashboard. "Good thing this car's been modified especially for me."

Shinji was still wondering what she was up to when she shouted, "SUPREME THUNDER!" There was a smell of ozone, and the car kicked up a trail of dust as its speed doubled and they headed off to their destination.

"I'm never riding with you again."

"You know what they say about any landing you can walk away from."

"That's what they say about planes, not cars. But since we were flying through the air, I guess you're more right than I am," Shinji said with just a hint of bitterness in his voice.

"It's not my fault there was a little too much electricity in the system for me to slow down. And it's not like running into the concrete wall hurt all that much. And you got gum on my beautiful carpeting. You ought to be a man about it and quit whining."

"I'm sorry." Shinji hung his head low. Apologizing was as second nature to him as breathing. Maybe even more automatic than that, when one thought about it.

"Geez. You really are spineless." Makoto shook her head sadly. "You know, you really, really look like that guy I used to date when I was still in grade school, I mean besides the fact he had a spine. Are you sure you don't have any older uncles or something I don't know about?"

Shinji decided Makoto's incessant droning was only adding to the headache he had gotten when his head had slammed into the dashboard in the car wreck Makoto cleverly pretended was parking. He tuned her out until she stopped talking on her own. They continued walking around the massive Geofront, passing the same employee's lounge three times. "Why are we walking in circles?"

"Exercise," Makoto said, obviously lying. Shinji was about to call her on it when the door they were about to go through for the third time opened on its own.

"You got lost, didn't you?" The speaker was a woman that appeared to be the same age as Makoto. She was wearing a white lab coat, and had short blue hair, as well as an air about her that implied she was intelligent. Or at least that she had some idea that she knew where she was going.

"It was an accident, Ami," Makoto explained.

"No time for excuses. We have to get to the first holding cage before the Commander chews us out."

'Commander.' Shinji focused on those words. Who was this mysterious commander they were referring to? What was this huge base? Would he ever be able to get the damn gum off his shoe?

They followed Ami Akagi to a huge room, which held what appeared to be a giant purple robot that would have been several stories high had it not been submerged in water up to its head. Shinji was high enough to look the robot in a green crystal eye, and for a moment was struck by the feeling of familiarity around it. He wondered if it was called an EVA-01, since that was what was painted in big white letters on its neck.

"There's the Commander."

Shinji turned at Makoto's words and followed where she was looking. High in a room which overlooked the whole area was just who Shinji expected the Commander was. Standing there as though she owned the world, dressed in a black business suit, with twin blonde ponytails trailing behind her head and wearing a set of glasses that appeared to be perpetually falling off her nose, stood the one woman whom he most wanted to see, and the one he never wanted to see again.

"Shinji.  It's been a long time," Usagi Ikari said in a carefully controlled voice.

"Mother," Shinji took a moment to compose himself. "Why did you call me here?"

"I want you to pilot that." She pointed to the Eva.

So, she didn't want him at all. She just wanted to use him, just as he feared. "No! I'm not your tool!"

Makoto and Ami cringed as Usagi unleashed 'The Glare.' Her deep blue eyes seemed to bore holes through Shinji. Even when she had to push the glasses back up, the glare was still enough to make Shinji quake. Everyone hated that look, not so much for the uneasiness one felt at having that stare unleashed on them, but for the torture that would follow.

"WAAAHHH!" Twin streams of tears shot out from Usagi's eyes like two large fountains and she fell to her knees. "You're my son, my own flesh and blood, and you're defying me! I thought I raised you to respect your parents!"

"You didn't raise me at all. When Father died, you stuck me with my grandparents and cut off all contact with me." Try as he might, Shinji couldn't keep his level of anger in the face of Usagi's crying, though. What little willpower his spineless state allowed him began to flee in the onslaught of the attack.

Usagi stopped sniffling and regained her feet, moving her glasses back up the bridge of her nose. "Very well." She turned towards Ami, who was only just now removing her earplugs. "Dr. Akagi, bring out Chibi-Rei."

Ami sighed and ordered Chibi-Rei brought out. Shinji watched as a door at the end of the walkway he was on opened, and they wheeled out a young girl strapped on a gurney. She looked the worse for wear, wrapped up in bandages and having a long dangling IV in her arm. Shinji got a good look at the girl with bubblegum-colored hair, pale white skin, and deep red eyes.

Shinji looked up to his mother, "She's—"

"She's not a clone of me," Usagi quickly blurted out. "Nope. No sir. I wouldn't clone myself. Nope. It's just an odd coincidence she looks a lot like me when I was younger. And I have not genetically programmed her to be an instrument to help me use Third Impact to create Crystal Tokyo and make Earth into a Utopia wherein I will be supreme ruler, and separate your father from the EVA-01 he's trapped in. Where did you get a crazy idea like that, Shinji?"

Shinji formed a sweatdrop. "I was just going to say she's so badly injured that maybe I should get into the Eva."

"Oh," Usagi thought about that for a moment. "Shinji, remember all that talk about Crystal Tokyo?"

"Yes."

"Forget I said that. I was just kidding. We're just here to stop the Youma—"

"They're Angels, not Youma." Ami corrected.

"That's what I said," Usagi insisted. "We're just here to stop the Angels and not take over the world. Really."

"Right." Shinji had to sigh to himself. In all of those years, his mother was still the same. Maybe not being raised by her was a good thing.

Deciding compliance was for the best, Shinji did as he was instructed. He finished putting on his plug suit and climbed onto the top of the entry plug of the EVA-01. Before entering it, he looked up to where his mother stood high above, watching everything through aloof eyes. "You know, Mother. This whole entry plug thing seems pretty phallic to me."

Usagi Ikari stared at her son through eyes devoid of emotion. "Of course. It is as I intended. As head of NERV, I am forced to make critical decisions about such things." She turned to Makoto and Rei, who had joined her in the Control Room, and whispered, "What does phallic mean?"

Makoto and Ami felt a mutual headache coming on. They flipped a coin to decide who would explain it to their leader and commander. Ami lost.

"It, you know, has to do with the, you know, stuff you used to, you know, do with your husband."

"Take long romantic walks in the park?" Usagi asked.

"No."

"Spend large amounts of time staring lovingly into each other's eyes?"

"No." Ami sighed, exasperated. "You know, this." She lowered her hand to her pelvis and made a back and forth motions with it.

"Shake hands with really short people?"

"No! It has to do with the penis! Shinji is saying there is a sort of symbolism between that and the entry plug into the EVA!"

"Oh," Usagi's eyes took on a knowing light, and then a look of horror ran across her face. "Shinji! What on earth are they teaching you at school?! I never had thoughts along those lines when I was your age!"

Ami turned her attention to Shinji. "Besides, if you think that's bad, you should have seen where they originally put the entry plug on the Evas. It ended up right there." Ami gave a hard smack to Usagi's butt-cheeks.

Shinji stared at Ami through half-lidded eyes. "You mean it was—"

"—Called the 'Butt Plug' system," Makoto confirmed. "But the idea was quickly scrapped after there was an emergency ejection and no one would go near the plug."

"That the entry plugs were painted brown didn't help things either," Ami murmured.

Shinji cringed, suddenly realizing things could have been a lot worse. The current entry plug system worked fine for him. He proceeded to enter the plug, and was quickly shot into Unit-01. He examined his surroundings.

"What, no CD player?"

The familiar voice of Usagi came over one of the speakers in the plug. "There's nothing worth listening to nowadays, since the Sailor Starlights were found beaten to death with a rubber dildo in some back alley."

"I don't want to know," Shinji said as his mind involuntarily tried to visualize the information he had just been told.

Usagi began giving orders. "Prepare for LCL injection."

"I don't do drugs!" Shinji protested.

"That's LCL, not LSD. Stupid git," Ami spat.

Usagi turned her attention to the three bridge bunnies on the lower command floor. "Makoto, inject the LCL into the plug."

"That's not my job!" Makoto, senshi of Jupiter, protested next to Usagi.

"Not you. I meant Makoto What's- His- Name- With- The- Glasses- Who- Went- Unnamed- For- Nearly- All- of- The- Eva- Series- And- Only- True- Eva- Addicts- Know- What- His- Real- Name- Is," Usagi explained.

"Oh." Makoto relaxed.

"That's not my job either. It's Aoba's, ma'am," Makoto What's- His- Name- With- The- Glasses- Who- Went- Unnamed- For- Nearly- All- of- The- Eva- Series- And- Only- True- Eva- Addicts- Know- What- His- Real- Name- Is pointed out.

"I knew that." Usagi gave him, 'the glare,' and Makoto What's- His- Name- With- The- Glasses- Who- Went- Unnamed- For- Nearly- All- of- The- Eva- Series- And- Only- True- Eva- Addicts- Know- What- His- Real- Name- Is cowered. Usagi made a mental note to have him replaced with some leftover cast member from Sailor Moon. Having two people with the same first name was going to be as confusing as hell, and it wasn't like anyone would miss the background character anyway. Hell, they'd probably think Hotaru had always been part of the original Evangelion series. Besides, Usagi was getting tired of thinking of him with all of those words added to his name.

"Aoba! Do the LCL thing!" Usagi ordered

Thankful that he didn't have the same name as one of the Sailor Moon cast and had some ridiculous declaration substituted for it, Aoba hit a button.

In the entry plug, Shinji noticed a liquid substance begin to rush in from faucets that had been cleverly disguised as faucets. "Hey! What's going on?!"

"It's a specially designed liquid to help you interface with the unit," Ami assured him.

"I'll drown!"

"No, you can breathe the LCL. Just open your mouth and try it," Ami said soothingly.

Once Shinji was completely submerged, he did as she asked.

"See," Ami cooed. "That wasn't so bad."

"Umm, Ami. Why are his eyes bulging?" Makoto asked as she watched the monitor of the interior of the plug.

"It takes a while to get used to LCL," Ami answered.

"And why is he not speaking to us even though his lips are moving?"

"Could be faulty speakers."

"And the reason he's making strangling motions with his hands?"

"He enjoys charades?"

Usagi appeared overjoyed at that. "Gendou-chan always enjoyed playing charades with me. Especially when he was choking on a chicken bone during dinner. Usually, it didn't take me more than a couple of minutes to figure out that he was trying to sign, 'Heimlich Maneuver'."

Aoba looked at his control panel and made a discovery. "Oh, shit! I filled it with water instead of LCL!"

Usagi ripped the microphone out of Ami's hands and spoke to Shinji. "You're drowning? Is that what you're trying to tell us, Shinji?"

Shinji gave her a thumb's up sign.

"Ha! I knew I hadn't lost my touch," Usagi smirked.

"Flush the water and fill it with the LCL instead," Ami ordered.

After the switch was completed and Shinji threw up all of the water, as well as the contents of his lunch, he recovered enough to have both him and his Eva shot to the surface. Immediately before him was the form of the first Angel he was going to have to fight: Sachiel.

"I need a weapon!" Shinji shouted, noticing a half dissolved French fry float past. He made a note never to throw up while in LCL ever again.

"Not yet," Usagi's voice came over the speaker "First you need to get the proper clothes."

"Proper clothes?" Shinji asked. What? Did she consider the Eva naked? And was that a mushroom that had passed by? He hadn't eaten any mushrooms

"To your right," Makoto's voice came over the loudspeaker. Shinji turned to see a building open up, revealing a false interior. Inside were a gigantic black cloak, white mask, and top hat that were all sized to fit the Eva.

"You've got to be kidding me," Shinji said. Now, the pickle he recognized.

"Hurry," Usagi's voice urged, "before the Youma—"

"Angel," Makoto corrected.

"—Angel attacks!".

"No way!" He had to run away. He had to run away.

"But Shinji, you're my son. My own flesh and blood."

Sniffling came over the intercom. Shinji recognized the signs and gave up before he was forced to bend unwillingly to his mother's demands. It took several moments of reluctant maneuvering to actually don the ridiculous garb on his Eva.

"You look just like your father," Usagi began to wail slightly over the intercom now.

Shinji rolled his eyes, and then turned to confront the Angel. His synch-ratio with Unit-01 was so high that both he and it formed mutual sweatdrops.

"What's it doing?" Shinji asked, as the Angel seemed to be engaged in some bizarre defense, rolling around on the ground and making weird noises.

"It's laughing." There was barely-controlled amusement in Ami's voice. Other voices could be heard laughing in the background as well. "Just as— ha!— we hoped. It's so stupefied by you-r- ha!— appearance, it's unable to focus its AT field. Teeheeheehee."

Again Shinji was telling himself he had to run away when Makoto composed herself enough to say "Punch the button on your left, next to the cappuccino machine. Then reach over your shoulder and grab the weapon."

Shinji found the button and pushed it. He then did as she said and reached up, grabbing onto something. He pulled back and brought the weapon into view. Another sweatdrop formed.

"It's a rose." He said it without the faintest hint of emotion in his voice.

"It's a progressive rose," Makoto said. "Drive it into that red spot on the Angel and you'll destroy it. WAHAHAHAHAHA! He looks so stupid!“

Had Shinji any spine whatsoever, he would have tossed the rose away and left, never to go back to NERV again, and allow them to fall unto the mercy of Sachiel. But being essentially a gutless wimp, he did as he was told, drove the prog-rose (which actually did cut very well) into the laughing Angel's core and destroyed it.

"Well, that was certainly exciting," Shinji said dryly as he looked at the dissolving Angel remains. After he took off the cloak and mask— the only way to make the others stop laughing at him— he returned to the holding cage where his mother and the other waited for him.

Usagi Ikari had once again composed herself. Her voice was cold and devoid of emotion. "Excellent work, Shinji. You showed grace and poise out there, risking your life to save humanity."

"I looked like a clown and stabbed a monster that couldn't defend itself with a rose. This is easily the lowest moment of my life."

"Ha!" Usagi said. "You think you have it tough? When I was your age, I ran around in a tiny fuku, shouting ridiculous things like 'In the name of the Moon, you shall be punished' at ludicrous monsters that looked like refugees from a grade-B ‘50's horror movie. You do that during your entire formative years and see how much integrity you have left."

"The uniform always made my thighs look fat," Ami admitted. "It was really embarrassing and ruined my self-esteem. It's probably why the boys almost never hit on me."

"That and the fact Minako usually greeted every guy we met with her legs wide open," Makoto agreed.

Usagi pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose again. "I believe I've done enough parenting for today. It's time to decide where Shinji's going to stay now that he's a part of NERV."

"I'm not staying with you?" Shinji asked.

"No."

Shinji breathed a sigh of relief.

Usagi left things in Ami's care and exited the room, tripping over her own ponytails only once. After Usagi was gone, Ami began to consider their options. "How old are you, Shinji?"

"Thirteen."

"Still a virgin?"

Shinji blushed. "Ah, what does that have to do with trying to choose a place to stay?"

"Everything. Now answer the question."

"Yes."

"Want to stay that way?"

Shinji's blush deepened. "I don't think I'm ready for a relationship like that, so yes, I'd like to stay that way for now."

"Cross Minako off, then," Makoto said. "If it's male, she sleeps with it. You know her motto, 'if it can get hard, it can get off'."

"Would you mind living with a couple of lesbians?" Ami asked.

"I'm not sure I'm ready for that, either." After Shinji met Kaji, and admitted he had passed up the opportunity to stay with a couple of lesbians, the older man beat the living crap out of him for "passing up the opportunity of a lifetime!"

"Cross Haruka and Michiru off," Makoto said.

"How do you feel about religious fanatics that see visions in their fires?"

"What are you talking about?!"

"Forget Rei," Makoto said.

Ami looked up to the ceiling. "How do you feel about drunks?"

"HEY!" Makoto shouted.

"I don't mind someone that likes to drink," Shinji said, afraid of what other options were going to be presented to him. Hanging out with a lush sounded at least relatively normal.

Makoto felt flattered that he'd pick her. She placed an arm around Shinji and brought him closer. "I guess it would be kind of fun having someone like you around. Buck up, Shinji. We've saved the world and you're going to be living with me. Let's go out and celebrate with my buddies, Jim and Jack."

"They're foreigners?" Shinji asked.

"They're not domestics, no," Makoto said. She felt happier than she had in a long time. It wasn't like she was getting close to marriage, and this might be the closest thing to a son she was ever going to have. A pity he reminded her of one of her old boyfriends, though. That might complicate things. "I think we're going get along fine. Just fine, Shinji."

"We're home!" Makoto shouted as she ushered Shinji into the house.

Hearing the door open, a small animal made its way to the entryway.

"That's Pen-Pen," Makoto said as her pet came into view. "He's a special moon penguin."

"He's a bit furry."

"It helps to keep him warm."

"He has four legs."

"It's not like penguins can fly. His wings were useless anyway."

"And the tuxedo?"

"A problem with his coloring. He wouldn't be a penguin if he wasn't black and white."

"What about the pointed ears on the top of his head?"

"The better to hear you with, my dear."

"Of course. And the yellow bill?"

"What about it?"

"Not much. It's just that it’s plastic and it’s attached to his face by a rubber band."

"A horrible accident with a razor and a runaway zit."

"I see. You do realize THAT'S A CAT DRESSED UP LIKE A PENGUIN!!!" Shinji finally snapped.

Makoto was unaffected. "His grandfather was a cat, you know. Strong family resemblance is all that it is. He really is a penguin."

'Pen-Pen' sighed. "Hey, Mako, we'd better tell him the truth. He's not buying the disguise."

Shinji nodded his head in understanding. "Oh, he's a talking cat. Now it makes sense." Of course it didn't really make the least bit of sense, but his mind was ready to go bye-bye now, and it didn't particularly feel like dealing with talking cat/penguins.

"All right," Makoto finally relented. "His name is Artemis, and he is really a moon cat, not a moon penguin. He's hiding out here to avoid his former owner, Minako 'I carry more sperm in me than a boatload of horny sailors' Aino."

"How come?" Shinji asked Artemis, afraid of the answer while knowing deep down inside that he would never know sleep again unless he found out, no matter how twisted and sick the answer was probably going to be.

"I was tired of being used as a sex toy."

Oh, it was way worse than Shinji could have possibly imagined.

"All the time it was 'lick me here, Artemis. Lick me there, Artemis.' I swear I lost over half the feeling in my tongue from all of that licking," the moon cat snarled.

"Okay, I think you've done your work well. I'm now permanently traumatized," Shinji said, really wanting to run away.

It was too late. Artemis was in full rant mode. " Orgies, orgies, orgies. And there was 'Hamsters are your friends, Artemis. Let them do that to you.' And then of course there was 'go ahead and let that nice man play with you. It'll be fun.' Artemis cringed. "The things that guy, Osca—"

"No more!" Shinji pleaded. Even Makoto was turning green.

Makoto picked up the moon penguin/cat and began stroking him.

Stroking his fur. Of course.

"Don't worry about it," she cooed. "You're safe here. Minako will never find you."

Shinji snorted in disgust. "Oh, and like that disguise is going to fool her. A five-year-old moron could see right through it."

"Mina's complimented me on my choice of pets and said she was considering getting a penguin herself," Makoto said.

"Only after she asked if she could borrow me." Artemis gave a shudder.

Deciding that he had enough of tales of sex, lies, and pussies (meaning cats, you perverts), Shinji decided to change the subject. "What's for dinner?"

"Jell-O shooters," Makoto answered. And the people at work thought she didn't know how to make a decent meal.

"That doesn't sound too healthy," Shinji said.

"Don't worry, I'll mix some screwdrivers, too. A growing boy needs his vitamin C."

"Of course." After today, Shinji decided that getting drunk sounded like a pretty damn good idea to him. Like Makoto said on the way over, there was no problem so big that excessive amounts of alcohol couldn't solve it. Shinji suddenly had a lot of problems to solve. It was now evident that being a neglected child was infinitely preferable to being raised by his mother.

And this was just the first day.

The NERV Official Trademark: We're just here to stop the Angels and not take over the world. Really.

Scene from later in the series:

Usagi Ikari stared at the members of SEELE before her. "I need more funding."

Lorenz Keele carefully considered that…for point-five seconds. "No."

Usagi Ikari adjusted her glasses.

"No!" Keele shouted out, jumping out of his chair and trying to prevent the inevitable from happening.

"WAHHH! Why?! I'm just trying to save the world from the Angels! And I'm not trying to situate things just to use Third Impact to create Crystal Tokyo and make Earth into a Utopia wherein I will be supreme ruler, and separate my husband from the EVA-01 he's trapped in! Why can't I have my funding? WAHHH!"

"Fine!" Keele shouted as the rest of SEELE began covering their ears. "You can have all the funds you want! We'll sell Ecuador! That should raise enough money for you. Just stop crying, Ikari!"

To be continued?

Author's notes: There now, that wasn't so good, was it? Some characters just weren't met to fit into the role of others. Sure, Gendou/Usagi works fine. But Ami/Ritsuko? Luna/Fuyutsuki? Shinji/Shinji? No. Just a bad idea all around. Let that be a lesson to you all in things not to do.

Ciao.

D.B. Sommer

PS: No. Nothing in this was meant to be serious, you silly people, you.

Webmaster: Larry F
Last revision: May 21, 2007