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The television in the corner was blaring NHK's traditional Kohaku Uta Gassen show, and Ukyou winced as Tsuru Hiromi stumbled her way through a song. It looked like it was going to be a rare win for the white team this year.

She sighed. Of all nights to be working, this had to be, hands down, the worst. Not only was everybody else out celebrating, they all seemed to be celebrating somewhere else.

She checked the time: nearly half-past ten. About an hour and a half until the end of the millennium, and where was she? Alone in the Ucchan, waiting for customers that weren't gonna be coming.

A breathy voice wafted in from the back room: "Ukyou-sama… what do you want me to do with these bottles…?"

Okay… not entirely alone. But close enough, right?


A Ranma ½ story
by Ukyou Kounji

Disclaimer: Ranma Nibunnoichi is the property of Rumiko Takahashi and everyone else she may have sold the rights to along the way. No infringement is intended.

Lemon warning: Sexual content ahead. Look, it's the new year, "I"'m single, and not having any more luck with Ran-chan than ever. Kinda requires desperate measures, wouldn't you say? Anyway, it's only one scene — you can skip over it if you feel you need to.


"Bottles, 'Natsu-chan?"

"Uh-huh…" The kunoichi had by now come in from the storage room, hefting a pair of large green bottles. "These were for…"

"…the parties that didn't come, I know…" The sight of the champagne bottles served only to darken Ukyou's mood that much further. She really had expected people to go out to eat on New Year's Eve. Why they hadn't chosen her restaurant, she couldn't understand, but it was clear they hadn't. Not for the turn of the millennium, anyway. The only good news was that the delivery business was still reasonably decent.

"If it's any consolation, Ukyou-sama," Konatsu murmured as he handed her the champagne, "the only folks at the Nekohanten are Shampoo, Mousse and Cologne." He paused. "And actually, I think I only heard women's voices and a duck when I passed by."

Ukyou took the proffered bottles. "Thanks, 'Natsu-chan. I guess there are worse ways to spend New Year's, ne?" Though not many, and not by much. "What say we open one of these ourselves? Seeing as no one else is gonna…"

The look on the kunoichi's face was one of sympathy, rather than anticipation. "As you wish… but shouldn't we do it outside?"

The question served to divert Ukyou's attention from the foil wrapping on the neck of the bottle. "Hm?"

"Outside. It says 'contents under pressure'. We don't want to make a mess in the middle of the restaurant, do we?"

"To be honest, I could care less right now. We'd've had to open it inside if someone had been here, so…" Her voice trailed off as she saw Konatsu was looking with some concern at the ceiling. "Oh, all right. Outside. And hope the cork breaks a window in the Nekohanten instead, ne?"

For the first time since he'd gotten back from his delivery, Konatsu allowed himself to smile.


"You're not going to wait until midnight, Ukyou-sama?"

"Not if I can help it. I plan to be sloshed by midnight, and I don't have any time to waste. Just point me in the direction of the Chinese bimbo's place, and I'll lock, load and fire when ready."

The kunoichi dutifully turned Ukyou around so that the neck of the champagne bottle in her hands was aimed in the general direction of the Nekohanten. With a mental shrug at his mistress' animosity toward Shampoo, he stepped back. "You're all set, Ukyou-sama."

With a grin, Ukyou twisted off the small wire cage holding the cork in place. She placed her hand at the base of the bottleneck, and slid it up to the cork, wedging her thumb between the cork and the lip of the bottle. There was a moment's pause as a sweatdrop beaded on the okonomiyaki chef's temple as she strained to unleash the cork.

"Damn… these things are hard." Still pointed toward the Nekohanten, Ukyou placed the bottle between her knees and set both thumbs to the task of forcing the cork from the bottleneck. She gritted her teeth and pushed…

POW!

…and tumbled backwards into the arms of her kunoichi as the recoil sent her sprawling. Slightly dazed, she watched as a gout of foam spurted from the mouth of the bottle, before settling to a mild bubbling. Her hands were covered with foam before she returned to her senses.

"Oh, hey… what am I thinking? Konatsu… get a coupla glasses before this stuff completely runs out, willya?"


She'd changed out of her leggings, as they had gotten doused with champagne as well. Instead, Ukyou was wearing a pair of heavy black stockings that came most of the way up her thighs. Unless one really made an effort, one wouldn't know the difference — of course, one wouldn't know much of ANYthing at that point, having most likely gotten crowned with a battle spatula for one's troubles.

Not like it mattered. Not like anything mattered. Just over an hour to go, and she was drinking champagne by the tumbler, while Konatsu sipped his glass and watched her with a worried expression. "Ukyou-sama…"

"Not a word, 'Natsu-chan, not a word. I…" she stifled a burp "…know what I'm doing. I also know you don't approve, but as I'm the boss around here, I'd appreciate it if you kept it to yourself. Now…" and she extended her empty tumbler in his direction, "fill'er up, won'tcha?

"…wonder if I broke a window in the Nekohanten?"

Konatsu dutifully, if reluctantly, poured his mistress another dose. "I'm sure I don't know, Ukyou-sama." He watched as she upended the glass and poured the contents down her throat, then dashed over to catch her as she began to topple off of her seat. "You know, maybe we should go outside again for some fresh air, Ukyou-sama."

Ukyou gazed up into her kunoichi's eyes with a slightly glassy expression. "Soundss good, 'Natsu-*urp*-chan. Less' gowon up t' th' roof…"

"The… roof?"

Ukyou's only reaction was a nod.


The best description of the view from the Ucchan's rooftop was "glowing". To the south and east was the vague white glow of a city waiting for the moment, determined to show the world that Tokyo, as the first major city of the new millennium, was ready and eager to face what that millennium would bring to it.

On the rooftop, a small hibachi Konatsu had lugged up in order to stave off the mild chill of a December night was glowing red with the warmth of its coals. The kunoichi, for his part, was resting against the restaurant's heating vent along with Ukyou, while the hibachi kept their feet warm.

And Ukyou herself was glowing, though not even Konatsu could have seen it. Not only from the effects of too much champagne, but there was something else, something she couldn't yet put her finger on…

A brisk wind suddenly blew across the roof, and Ukyou rose unsteadily to her feet. She teetered to the edge of the roof, robe and hair flapping behind her in the breeze. She stared out defiantly into the wind and stretched out her arms. "Looka meee, Jack! I'm flying! Wheeee…"

She pitched forward precariously, and Konatsu sprang up. "Ukyou-sama!" He raced over and caught her just as she started to lose what little balance she had left. He carried her gently back to the safety and warmth of the vent, and as he set her down, she let herself rest in his surprisingly strong arms.

Another gust of wind swept across the roof, and a wisp of breeze blew beneath Ukyou's robe. She shivered with the unaccustomed cold; her leggings would normally have kept her warm down there.

Several tears squeezed their way out of her closed eyes. Wasn't there a New Year's Day ritual of the first sex of the year? And once again, she was going to miss out on it. She knew where her Ran-chan was; even though the wedding hadn't come off, she could imagine that Akane was keeping herself warm tonight with him…


Akane Tendo sneezed as she stormed up the stairs. Ranma had just insulted her cooking for the umpteenth time ("Horse doovers?" he had joked at her mispronunciation, "More like horse droppings, if ya ask me"), and had paid the price. The new year's celebrations at the Tendo Dojo were going to be rather subdued after all.

Were Nabiki there, she would probably have made some crack to the effect of: "Three words, Saotome: New Years' resolutions. Work on 'em." As it was, she was out on the town with some poor sap (correction: some soon-to-be-poor sap), and so she wasn't there to render her commentary on the scene. Just as well; Ranma wouldn't have listened were he conscious, and as he wasn't, he wouldn't even have heard.

But Ukyou didn't know about any of this…


The glow on Ukyou's cheeks began to burn as she felt the gooseflesh on her thighs. Her eyes, too, began to burn from the sting of saltwater welling up in them. But she would not let herself cry. Not in front of her employee. Even if he couldn't see, she wasn't going to run that risk.

Konatsu, for the moment, seemed oblivious to the pain in Ukyou's heart. "Ooh! Ukyou-sama, look! A shooting star! Quick, make a wish!" His smile could clearly be heard in his quiet, breathy voice, despite the darkness that cloaked them. Ukyou turned to face the darkness from where his voice had come, and shook her head in wonder. It never made sense to her why he seemed to be so happy all the time.

"No, you saw it first… make your own wish, sugar."

She could almost hear him blink at her. "Why? I have everything I could wish for. I'm free from my step-family, I have friends who care about me, I have a well-paying job," Ukyou winced slightly at that, "I have enough to eat, and beautiful clothes to wear…

"And I owe it all to you, Ukyou-sama." He turned again to look at the stars. "What could I ask the heavens for beyond that which I already have?"

Ukyou sat bolt upright in shock, but Konatsu continued: "Besides, something tells me you need this wish more than I do. What do you want, Ukyou-sama?"

"What… do I… want?" She could just barely make out the rustle of his nod.

There was another gust, and Ukyou shivered with the wave of gooseflesh that crossed her thighs. The hot blush rose up again in her cheeks.

She shifted around so that she was kneeling by Konatsu's side. "Konatsu-kun…" The honorific caused him to do a mild double take; this was not like his mistress. "You're a kunoichi, right?" He nodded. "A ninja, versed in the arts of… of…" She couldn't get the word out.

"The arts of…?" The kunoichi wasn't sure where this conversation was going, but if it had something to do with Ukyou-sama's wish, and it was something he could do for her, he would do it without question.

"Of… of… oh, Kami, this is so embarrassing…" Ukyou balled her hands into fists in frustration, then tried another tack. "Konatsu… you worked at a teahouse, okay? What-all did you have to do there?"

Now Konatsu was really confused. "Well, I had to cook, clean the place, do the laundry…"

"No, I mean, what about your, ah, clients?"

"Oh, I wasn't allowed to be seen by the clientele. My step-sisters said that no one would want a freak like me…" The kunoichi trailed off sadly.

"So… you never had to… ah…" From the fire in her cheeks Ukyou would swear she looked like a mutant cousin of that reindeer, Rudolph. "…service anybody… at the teahouse, I mean?"

"No."

The pause could not have been but for a few seconds, but it felt like an eternity to Ukyou, as she attempted to screw up the courage to make her request. It took another gust of wind, chilling her between her legs and stoking the fire in her cheeks, to urge her on.

"Konatsu-kun… I want you… to… 'service' me."

Now it was Konatsu's turn to tremble… but not from the cold. "B-b-but you're a… you're a girl."

Ukyou nodded, maybe a little too vigorously. "That's right, I'm a woman." She rose awkwardly to her feet as she attempted to slip off her panties. "And what I really need right now is a man. Think you can handle that?"

The kunoichi just stared up at his mistress, paralyzed.

Ukyou bit her lip as she looked down at Konatsu. Dammit, I blew it. She knelt back down beside him. "I'm sorry about that, Konatsu-kun. I shouldn't have asked that of you." The heat and color never left her cheeks, but now it felt more like embarrassment and shame than desire.

She caught a tiny flash of light off of her kunoichi's face; the reflection of a streetlamp briefly reflected in a crystalline tear. "No, Ukyou-sama… I just don't know what to do for you… whatever it is, I want you to be happy. I'll do it… I'll do anything… just show me how…"

Ukyou stifled a small catch in her throat and swallowed hard to push it down. She leaned over her trembling kunoichi. "Are you sure…?"

Every muscle in Konatsu's body tensed as felt her warm breath on his face. He could almost feel the champagne bubbles wrapped around her gentle words. He closed his eyes and nodded.

"All right, then." Ukyou's words sounded braver than she felt. She straightened herself out, and lifted a knee over Konatsu's head, positioning herself bare inches from him. Her okonomiyaki seller's robe, in fact, was just long enough to cover his face.

The kunoichi's eyes widened in fright. What was he supposed to do now? If he reached up with his tongue, he could actually touch his mistress' sex. Was this what she really wanted from him? The scent was heady and strong, but reminded him of the smell of unwashed laundry. The smell of a woman in… it wasn't love, now, was it?

Another tear escaped his eye as he reached up to taste his mistress, enveloped as he was in what reminded him of his sisters' scent. This was so wrong, so unnatural! But if Ukyou-sama wanted him to be a lesbian for her sake, he would do it. He breathed deeply of her scent, and cried silently that he found it pleasant. The very thought of it chilled him to the bone…

No, wait… that's just the wind on my… oh Kami… Ukyou-sama, what are you doing? What she was doing, actually, was uncomfortably clear. His mistress was debasing herself to the point of removing his deformity from within the folds of his kimono, taking it between her hands, and suckling on it. What's more, it felt wonderful, as the sensation of her warm, wet lips on it contrasted sharply with the chilly breeze that crossed the roof and caressed what parts of his own sex his mistress was not embracing with her mouth.

This was unforgivable, for him to be receiving more pleasure than he was giving. Without even a thought, his hands went to her hips, and he pulled her down the last few inches onto his face, and began to run his tongue across her sex in earnest.

Ukyou, for her part, had felt a twinge of remorse at simply pressing herself onto Konatsu, and had decided to give him a little reward for his, uh, service. It had taken a bit of fumbling to loosen his obi, especially when she was practically laying on top of it, but eventually it was sufficiently loose to allow her to draw out his manhood.

It wasn't enormous — although Ukyou had never paid much attention to what was "normal" in guys — but it was more than enough to set Konatsu apart from the girls he aspired to be like. A freak, they called him… all because of this. Poor thing. And I'll be he still thinks of himself like that, too. Gingerly, she placed her lips around the head of his penis, and began to suckle. It wasn't what she'd expected it to taste like… but then, she hadn't known what to expect.

She certainly hadn't expected the pair of hands that grasped her, nor the tongue that suddenly began lashing her with the ferocity of a starving man at his first meal in ages. "Ah… ah… AH!" It was enough to cause her to leave off from her ministrations, but she continued to hold onto Konatsu's penis for dear life, as if she were afraid of falling off of him…

…when she felt a drop of liquid roll onto her index finger. A solitary drop of his semen, glimmering in the streetlight like a tiny pearl, had beaded up from within him. As distracted as she was by Konatsu's efforts, she leaned down unsteadily and licked the drop up.

She grimaced at the cloying, lukewarm taste and made a mental note not to try that again. Maybe if she were a little more drunk…

She reached down to her hips, and took Konatsu's hands in hers. "Thank you, sugar… that's enough for now." She gently removed them from her hips, and slowly rose to her feet. She could hear the chorus of "Auld Lang Syne" wafting from a nearby apartment. Kohaku Uta Gassen just ended — wonder who won? Not much longer…

…time to go for broke. She took a deep breath, and glanced down at Konatsu, who had brought a hand to his lips in disbelief. Once more, she got down on her knees, this time straddling her kunoichi's legs. She brought the tip of his penis to meet the tip of her clitoris, and began rubbing them against each other, much as she would rub her fingers against her sex during the occasional break when Konatsu was out on a delivery, and no one was watching.

Konatsu trembled violently at his mistress' touch, both that of her hand and of her… other parts. He quivered at the brush of her soft pubic hair against his deformed organ, and another bitter tear fell at his inability to give Ukyou-sama what she wanted. She wanted — no, she deserved — a real man, a man like Ranma. And yet here she was, trying her level best to make do with a misshapen girl like himself.

Suddenly he felt pressure on the tip of his… thing. Ukyou-sama had lifted herself so that she was poised over it, as if she were going to use him as the man she so longed for. A wave of shock struck him as he realized it might not even fit.

Ukyou grimaced as she hovered atop Konatsu. For all the times she had fantasized about making love to Ran-chan, it never occurred to her that it would be anything other than sheer bliss right from the first. This, on the other hand, was going to hurt. She hesitated, weighing this new realization against her growing need for it. There was a series of flashing lights, like explosions, in the corner of her eye, followed by the loud tolling of a nearby temple bell. Disoriented by the noise and light, Ukyou lost her balance and dropped straight down onto her kunoichi's manhood.

The new year, the new millennium, was greeted at the Ucchan by a scream of pain.

"Ukyou-sama!" Konatsu sprang as best he could to his mistress' aid, sitting bolt upright and wrapping her in his arms. "I'm sorry! How can I help?"

Ukyou's eyes were glassy, and sweat beaded from her forehead, shimmering in the reflected light of the fireworks downtown. A look of grim determination grew on her face, punctuated by slight winces as the temple bell continued to toll. She took a deep breath, and held it for a minute before replying.

"You can help," she panted, "by lying down again. I'm gonna go through with this if it kills me." Slowly, she pushed Konatsu onto his back, and kissed him lightly on the lips. Then, she brought herself back into her kneeling position, and lifted herself up, only to drive down onto him with the next stroke of the temple bell.

With each stroke, she began to feel less pain. Konatsu's penis, though still an alien visitor, now felt more like a friend, warming her, comforting her, than an enemy, tearing at her, raping her.

She began to speed up her tempo, driving herself down several times with every stroke of the temple bell. She reached down, and began to run her fingers across her clitoris with a rapid-fire motion born of long practice, one that would embarrass even Ranma with his Chestnut Fist… although it would doubtless embarrass him for other reasons, too…

Her hands would also brush against the base of Konatsu's root, and he gritted his teeth and bit his lip to keep himself from exploding. He would not release until Ukyou-sama did, he would not, he would not…

Then, at the eighty-eighth stroke, Ukyou felt the beginning of the wave. She tensed, and sped up her strokes to match the bell tenfold. Sweat poured from her brow as she struggled desperately to crest before the hundred and eighth sounding of the temple bell.

Konatsu clenched his fists, trying to keep himself from reaching out to his mistress and distracting her. This felt so good, and he was so unworthy of its joy!

It was with this thought that he felt Ukyou go into a violent convulsions, dropping herself onto him as though she could impale herself. This must be the moment, and he let himself burst within her.

Her orgasm pulsed through her taut body like the fireworks display that she had just seen. Her hips shook atop Konatsu as though she were in an earthquake, and he responded with a wave of his own. Spent, she dropped to her hands, resting by Konatsu's shoulders, gasping for breath, clouds of steam pouring from her mouth with every pant in the cool January air.

"Ko…hh, hh… Konatsu…?"

He looked up at her, silently, expectantly, waiting for her orders.

She could barely get the words out: "Hold me…" before collapsing on top of him. Once again, his arms wrapped around her as the bell tolled for the final time.

But she didn't hear it.


As beautiful as the day was, as glorious it was to still be alive despite the doomsayers' dire predictions, Konatsu was starting to get cold. And he knew Ukyou-sama was, too. He carefully slithered out from underneath her, making sure not to wake her. Gently, he picked her up, and, opening the rooftop door with his foot, he carried her downstairs to her apartment.

"Hold me," she had said, and he was more than happy to fulfill his mistress' wish.

He set her down on her bed, and once she was settled, climbed in behind her, keeping his arms wrapped around her protectively. Secure in the knowledge that Ukyou-sama was comfortable and happy, he allowed himself to fall asleep.


For some folks, the turn of a year (to say nothing of a millennium) means the dawning of a new era, a change for the better, a ray of hope…

"Woo-hoo-hoo!"

For others, it's just another day at the office.

"Wotta haul! Wotta haul!"

It doesn't take brain surgery to figure out which type of person Happosai was.

After all, why turn over a new leaf when there's all these silkies lying around to be picked up? Thanks to the Japanese tradition of the first sex of the year, the pickings were especially good this morning. So many little darlings simply discarded in the heat of the moment. Well, he'd keep 'em company, as long as their owners weren't gonna…

This morning's scavenging had taken him far afield, to places he rarely visited. All he needed to do was to follow his nose; where the sweet smell of woman mingled with the normally objectionable musk of a male, there he would find another discarded treasure.

Even on the roof of a restaurant.

"Aha!" *sniff* "Okonomiyaki!

"I've found it! The last one!" Not that Happosai was particularly infatuated with the chef. It was just that he had collected panties from all of his disciple's other fiancees, but between Konatsu's stealthy laundering efforts and the fact that Ukyou herself wore those doggone leggings, her panties were well nigh impossible to obtain. Until now.

"Finally! Now I can die a Happi man!"

And in what might be karmic retribution for such a vile pun, he almost got his wish. What with all his celebration at such a rare find, he neglected to notice the still-smoldering hibachi until he landed in it, and the scents of male and female suddenly mingled with that of burning ham.

Of course, thanks to the (rather unwilling) ministrations of several dozen nurses at Nerima General, he was back on his feet in no time.


Rays of dawning sunlight pierced through the window of Ukyou's upstairs bedroom, the light stabbing through her eyelids like needles. Head throbbing, she kept her eyes squeezed shut even as she slowly regained consciousness…

…but they sprang open almost involuntarily at the sensation of warm breath upon her neck and shoulder, and an arm wrapped around her waist. Slowly, tentatively, she took stock of her surroundings. She was in her own apartment above the Ucchan, and in her own bed, but she couldn't remember getting there. In fact, the last thing she did remember was…

…oh, sweet Kami, no…

Now both her head and the pit of her stomach were throbbing. She almost didn't dare look behind her, but she was compelled to see the face of the one who…

…it was. Konatsu. With a smile on his face like one who had been kissed by an angel. Maybe he really thought he had been.

With a sigh, Ukyou turned back to face the window and tried to drift back to sleep. Not the greatest way to begin the new year, but it was better than being alone…

…wasn't it?


Author's notes: My first fic in months, my first lemon in well over a year. Is it any wonder I'm nervous about it?

Y'know, I never intended for this fic to be so painful — no, strike that; I had actually considered getting "myself" pregnant by Konatsu, and trying to deal with that. What I hadn't planned on was making this a Y2K fic. But it works, ne?

Parts of that lemon scene sum up how this fic felt like to write; painful at times, pleasurable at others, and struggling like mad to get it over with before the bell finished its tolling. I wanna thank a few people for their encouragement and suggestions as I struggled through this thing: Nightman , Philip Mak, and my dear friend Zen— you're such a sweetheart. ^_^

Also wanna thank Vince Seifert for help on polishing this from my original post.

Finally, thanks also have to go out to Rob Barba, Robert Haynie, Scott Jamison, Jim Lazar and Libby Thomas for reminding me how far behind the curve I am. Blame them if you've been waiting anxiously for my next story (or, if you prefer, thank them from postponing my foisting this dreck off on you. I'd start by reading their stuff…)

Itsu mo,

Ucchan ^_^

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