TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS
LOCK YOUR DOORS
BOARD YOUR WINDOWS
GRAB YOUR HANDGUNS
(am I getting a little carried away here?)

Singing "The old grey future ain't what she useta be…"

PREMIERE: RANMA'S BIGGEST ADVENTURE>

MST'd from Upstairs at the Ucchan

This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred. Besides, they aren't using Joel, or Dr. Forrester, or TV's Frank anymore… what harm if I borrow them?

All random references to anime characters, songs, et cetera are the property of their respective creators/distributors/etc. Just gotta cover my own fanny…

Ranma ½ is the property of Rumiko Takahashi and all licensed distributors of her work.

Sailor Moon is the property of Naoko Takeuchi and all licensed distributors of her work.

Dragon Ball is the property of Akira Toriyama and all licensed distributors of his work.

(I could go on like this for some time, but I don't even recognize some of the references made in this fic. Suffice to say that the aforementioned disclaimer applies to each of 'em… just substitute the anime in question and its respective creator.)

"Ranma's Biggest Adventure" is allegedly the property of Oscar, and he's welcome to it. I do not intend to offend this person for making fun of his/her work like this but I figure it's only a matter of time before someone does… and as that someone would say, "Think of this as another form of C&C." ;)

A warning… this isn't precisely a lemon, but it does contain a fair amount of explicit language, and some that isn't quite clear… kinda like when you used to listen to the Kingsmen's recording of "Louie, Louie" trying to figure out if the lyrics were dirty or not. If that sorta thing bothers you, then you're free to ignore this fic and move on. Otherwise, enjoy.

"Can we get this thing started, already?"

Okay, okay… Cue the theme, please…

In the not-too-distant future,
This Saturday, you see
There was this guy named Joel
Not so different from you or me

He worked at Gizmonic Institute

Just another guy in a red jumpsuit
He did a great job cleaning up the place,
But his bosses really hated him
So they shot him into space!!!!

(Instead of holding messed up video, Frank's holding a computer printout)

We'll send him crappy fanfics
The worst we can find (lalala)
He'll have to sit and read them all
and we'll monitor his mind (lalala)

Now keep in mind Joel can't control
When the fics begin or end (lalala)
Because he used those special parts
To make his robot friends;

ROBOT ROLL CALL:

CAMBOT: 'Text only'?

Gypsy: 'Sorry, guys…'

Tom Servo: 'Sweet-o!'

CROOOOOOOW!!!: 'What'd I say?'

If your wondering how Joel eats and breathes
And other science facts (lalala)
Then repeat to yourself
" It's just a MST" — You should really just relax

for MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3.35!!

THE HOLOCABANA
21:30 HOURS

Joel was enjoying a drink with Akane, but for once, it wasn't the Tendo girl.

"So… you mean you really have the power to cloud men's minds, huh? Just like the Shadow?"

Kasuga Akane blinked. "Who?"

"Uh… never mind." Joel made a mental note to keep future references to American pop culture more current. Akane grinned at his apparent confusion.

"Anyway, as you were saying, I can indeed. The power of suggestion makes for such a fun plaything."

Joel's eyebrows arched at her choice of words. "Care to give me a demonstration?" he asked as he leaned in on her slightly.

She backed her chair away from him just far enough that their faces were still as far away from each other as before. "Already doing it, Joel. See your friend Tom over there?" She waved absently down the end of the bar, where bubblegum-dispenser-headed Tom Servo sat, making idle chitchat with Lum. The atmosphere around Tom and Lum seemed a little smokier than at the rest of the bar, but it wasn't that out of the ordinary.

Joel shrugged as he watched the two of them. "Looks like he's doing pretty well."

"That's not Lum."

"Oh, no?" Joel spun around to face Akane. "So who is it he's talking to, anyway?"

"It's more like what… but you can see for yourself," the ESPer grinned. Joel watched as the cloud of smoke began to dissipate, just as Tom had gotten up the nerve to kiss his favorite alien. The robot leaned in on Lum… only to find himself kissing a fellow bubblegum dispenser. "They make a cute couple, don't they?"

Joel grinned back at her as Tom glowered in their direction; no mean feat, as the dispenser that served as his head didn't generally allow for much in the way of expression. "That was a really dirty trick, guys!"

Kasuga Akane laughed musically and transformed into Crow T. Robot. "Yeah, well… you shoulda seen the look on your face. Come on, you didn't really think you were gonna score with her or nothin', didja? It was either that, or I was gonna send in Ataru to jolt you with a little divine retribution of his own."

Leaving the gumball machine behind, Tom hovered over to Crow and Joel. He stared Crow right in the face. "You're just jealous because Lum likes me better than you."

Crow's eyes rolled. "Oh, puh-leeze."

Suddenly Gypsy's voice crackled over the intercom. "Sorry, Joel… the Young Einsteins are calling…"

"Yahoo." Joel twirled his finger in the air in a gesture of non-enthusiasm.

"Be serious."

"Right there, Gyps."

DEEP 13

Dr. Clayton Forrester grinned as he stared into the viewscreen. He had a special… treat for Joel and his tinpots, but he decided that it was best not to overplay his hand just yet.

"Well, boobies, I'll let you go first for this week's invention exchange. Best of luck to you… after all, you'll want to go out in a blaze of glory, right?"

Joel gave Dr. Forrester a puzzled look, but proceeded. "Well, sir, you know how sometimes, when you're reading a really good fanfic, it almost feels like it belongs in the regular canon?"

"Since when have I been giving you any good fanfics?" Dr. Forrester wheeled on his assistant. "Frank?!"

"I haven't sent them anything but what you've selected. Honestly!" T.V.s Frank protested his innocence.

"Besides," Crow interrupted, bringing the attention of the inhabitants of Deep 13 back to the viewscreen, "since when has Frank shown any clue that he can tell the difference between a good fanfic or a bad one?"

Dr. Forrester nodded his understanding, as T.V.s Frank wondered whether or not he'd just been insulted as Joel resumed his description. "We have our ways, sir… but that's beside the point. Sometimes, you find a fic so good, you can practically hear the characters as you read. This little thing here," and he held up what appeared to be a palm-size scanner, "takes fanfiction that final step, from merely imagining the voices of the characters, to actually hearing them." He held up a sheaf of papers. "Take this selection from Benares' 'Stepping Stones', for instance…"

He set the papers down on the bridge console, and began to run the scanner over the sheet. The voice of Kelly Sheridan, Ukyou's English-language voice actress, rang out:

"What do I have to show for my life, eh?" I said as I took the bottle out of the cabinet, closing the mirror and looking back at the tired face with anger. "Okonomiyaki. I'm an OKONOMIYAKI cook." My words were said in a way that was meant to sting, each word dripping with venomous sarcasm. I wanted to hurt now. It was the only way I could force myself to go through with this. "I get courted by Tsubasa all the time. And Kunou, we can't forget Kunou."

I opened the bottle top. "'The only people I ever see come because they feel sorry for me." I poured the contents of the bottle into my hand. "And one of those people is the only man I've ever loved, a man that is married and has a child." I tossed the emptied bottle to the floor of my bathroom. I watched carefully as it clattered to the ground, rolling across the wooden tiles and coming to a slow stop in the crease where the floor and wall met. I looked back up at the reflection of the Japanese woman and nearly spat at the revulsion I felt at the sight of this person I loathed. It was all this woman's fault! My life was garbage because of her! Tears began to well in the despised woman's eyes. "A man that I'll never have!"

One could almost imagine a proud smile on Tom Servo's face as he explained, "We've taken voiceprints from both Japanese and North American seiyuus, and as this scanner's OCR software reads the words, it bends the voiceprint samples to fit appropriately around each printed word. So it sounds like the anime character's actually reading the story."

Again, Dr. Forrester nodded as Joel added, "You can set it for simple narration, or ensemble acting. That setting's a little buggy, but it works pretty well when you're using a fic written in script format. Or, if you prefer the 'as-read-by-the-author' effect, we have a limited collection of authors' voiceprints, too. We also have a few celebrities, too, if your taste runs that way…"

"Well, that little performance Ms. Sheridan put on was worthy of an Oscar… and speaking of which, what celebrity's voice would you use for Oscar's? I assume you don't have any samples of his dulcet tones."

Joel and the bots looked at each other nervously, and then at the viewscreen. "Well, we hadn't considered that anyone would ever want to read something by him… but in a pinch, we could probably use samples of Pee-Wee Herman's voice in lieu of his."

Dr. Forrester nodded. "Appropriate… I must say, I approve of your selection, much as I usually hate everything you do…"

While it went against his better judgement to ask, Tom Servo was dying of curiosity. "Uh… why'd you ask about Oscar, anyway? He's not turning out fanfics now that he's dead, right?"

"Well, that's a topic of some debate, my little friend, and it serves as my contribution to our little exchange. Yes, Oscar is dead, but that only serves to assist me in fulfilling my requirements."

"Requirements?"

"Oh my, yes. As a card-carrying member of the Fraternal Order of Mad Scientists, I am required to reanimate, if you'll pardon the pun, dead tissue at least once every few years. Even young Frahnkensteen…"

"Who?" Crow blinked.

"Frahnkensteen."

Joel and the bots looked at each other. "You mean Frankenstein, don't you?"

"Well, yes, I do, but he didn't. Anyway, even he couldn't get admission to the club without doing so, regardless of his illustrious heritage. At any rate, I have been doing some experiments in order to meet my membership requirements, and decided it would allow me to deal with you insolent ignorant idiots all in one fell swoop.

"So, in lieu of an invention this week, I give you… Oscar."

Dr. Forrester noted with some satisfaction the screams emanating from the Satellite of Love could be heard all the way down in Deep 13 without the use of the viewscreen, whose sound he had muted upon his announcement for just such an eventuality. He wagged a finger at its inhabitants.

"Well… It seems I've touched a nerve, have I?" At this, Joel and the bots quickly attempted to compose themselves. "That's better… after all, we don't want you boys blowing your gaskets before the fic's started, do we?"

A shaky sneer formed in Tom's circuits. "You brought Oscar back to life, just for us? Gee, Dr. F., you really shouldn't have. And I mean that from the bottom of my, uh… canister."

Dr. Forrester waved his hand modestly. "Ah-ah-ah… no thanks are necessary…"

"None were extended…" Crow muttered through his clenched beak.

"Just the sight of your faces at the news is more than thanks enough." If Dr. Forrester had heard Crow's comment, he hid it well.

"Now hold on," Joel said, looking the doctor straight in the eye. "We've seen Oscar imitators before. What kind of proof do you have that you've got the real thing? I mean, it's not like you've showed him to us… not that we'd recognize him on sight in any case…"

"Unless we stripped him naked," Crow pointed out.

Joel winced and closed his eyes. "Please, don't go there, Crow…"

It was hard to determine which thing infuriated Dr. Forrester more: the fact that Joel had challenged his claim, or that he was now ignoring him to reprove that bird-brained yellow robot of his. "Proof? You want proof? Fine… it'll teach you to challenge a mad scientist. Send 'em the fanfic, Frank."

"Roger-dodger, Steve."

SATELLITE OF LOVE

Tom Servo was vacillating between terrified and livid. "Ohhh, man… we're in for it now. You just had to get him pissed at us, didn't you?"

"Calm down, Tom…" Joel said, although there was a bit of a catch to his voice. "I think he's just bluffing. He hasn't got the intelligence to reanimate a cockroach, let alone Oscar."

"Not that there's a difference, mind you…" muttered Crow.

Suddenly, alarms and sirens rang out. The bridge of the satellite shook as it was bathed in red light.

"OHHHH, WE'VE GOT OSCARFIC SIGN!!!" Joel cried out.

Door 6: It slides open on both sides.

Door 5: It looks like brick, but if you smack in with a battle spatula, Tsubasa pops out and runs off.

Door 4: It falls toward you, missing your foot by-YEOWCH! "Sorry." Damn techies.

Door 3: It's a solid wall of water. An old guy with a long white beard raises his arms, and the waters part. You pass through, not noticing as another guy takes the old man's wallet.

Door 2: It's a sheet of green fire. A few moments, though, and it burns out.

Door 1: A swirling blue vortex sucks you through to the final portal.

Door .35: A beam of light shoots out from a hatch in the floor. You walk into it.

Joel emerged from the light into the theater with Tom in his arms, Crow emerging a moment later and following close behind. Stepping over the air grate that prevented Tom from entering the theater on his own, Joel placed him down on one of the theater seats and sat next to him, Crow sitting on his right.

Crow: Say… why's the door sequence changing again?

Joel: Different writer, I think…

Tom: Not to mention a few shameless plugs.

Crow: Where? I didn't see 'em.

Tom: Something to do with 'Pencils', I think.

Crow: You read 'Pencils'?

Tom: Someone had to. Besides, it's better than this crap Dr. F sends us.

Joel: As fought by Terry Jones in "Scott of the Antarctic"!

Tom: Wasn't that "Scott of the Sahara"?

Crow: Yup, it's Oscar. Same old ego.

(Tom begins vibrating violently)

Joel: Hey, take it easy, guys. We still don't know that yet. Besides, we've survived what? Three assaults by him? and lived to tell about it… we can manage this one just fine. All we gotta do is stay frosty, okay?

Tom: (has stopped vibrating momentarily) Joel, you say that every time we have to sit here and read an Oscarfic, and I still don't know why. What are we to you, some kinda sugared cereal?

Crow: Maybe we could be an ice cream desert. I've always wanted to be eaten by Skuld.

Joel: Crow…

Crow: Well, wouldn't you?

Joel: Lycos. As personally endorsed by Oscar(TM)

Tom: A damn good reason to stay away from it, if you ask me.

Joel: (singing) Soy un perdedor…

Tom: Maybe it's 'Moon Over Parador' (turns around, bends over)

Joel: Tom…

Crow: You know, it just doesn't have the same shock effect that human flesh does… why don't you moon the fic, Joel?

Tom: Uh… he's invading our personal space, here…

Crow: You just said that!

Joel: Yeah, well… he left off the "Um" last time.

Tom: No kidding… and how d'ya pronounce '~', anyway?

Joel: (turning to Tom) Well, how did you just pronounce it?

Tom: (blinks) I have no idea…

Tom: I seriously doubt it.

Crow: That he hopes we'll like it?

Tom: That, too.

Tom: It festers?

Crow: I'd believe it.

Joel: Somebody send this one down the memory hole.

Crow: I can think of another hole to stick this into.

Joel: Crow…

Crow: Well, it'd explain why he's grinning so much…

Joel: CROW!!

Tom: Baibai? You mean… it's over already?

Joel: Sorry, little buddies… it's just beginning.

Bots: WAAAAAAAAAHH!

Joel: There still is, lastime I checked.

Crow: You mean Godzilla hasn't destroyed it yet?

Tom: Nah, that was New York this time.

Joel: Besides, this guy sounds more like William Shatner than… whoever it was that was in Godzilla.

Tom: You do mean that literally, don't you? In Godzilla? (makes chewing noises)

Tom: (imitating Akane) Ranma, who's this Akae, and what makes her so good, you pervert! (swings mallet)

Joel: (imitating Ranma) No, look, Akane, I can explain! It's all a misunderstanding! It's a typo, see? I was complimenting you!

Tom: (imitating Akane) You expect me to believe that? You never compliment me when you're in character!

Crow: Well, duh. He isn't.

Tom: (drops mallet) …

Tom: I've got a better idea — why not let the adventure come to us?

Crow: (imitating Beavis or Butt-head) Huh-huh… he said 'come'.

Joel: (smacks Crow on the beak) Cut it out… they're off the air already.

Crow: Yeah, well… so're you.

Joel: …

Joel: This cannot be happening.

Tom: No kidding. Since when would Ranma kiss Akane? And how the hell d'ya 'len', anyway?

Crow: Same way you pronounce '~'

Tom: I had to ask.

Crow: Aw, please, Joel… can't I say something?

Joel: Is it necessary?

Crow: (blinks) Uh… not really, now, is it?

Joel: Right.

Tom: Yeah, I'm no fan of P-chan, either…

Joel: FAC: Frequently Articulated Comments about Ryoga and Akane.

Crow: Just the fac, ma'am.

Crow: I'd take that bit back about P-chan, Tom. If she's gonna skweel, she's perfect for him.

Tom: I've never heard anyone 'skweel' before.

Crow: It sounds like this: "~~! ~~!"

Tom: Will you cut that out?!

Joel: Back at the ranch…

Crow: Hey, I thought Akane was gonna be undressing.

Joel: Crow…

Joel: Isn't that supposed to be Tokyo-3?

Tom: As opposed to t-Tokyo?

Tom: Lorenz Keel?

Joel: Well, she's sad. That's in character, anyway…

Tom: You mean she dissed the best EVA pilot there was?

Crow: Hoo boy, she should know better than get Shinji mad at her…

Joel: Shinji…?

Crow: No tickee, no makee…

Tom: 'Thinking, she thought'… Jeez, redundant much?

Joel: Asuka's got an ifdea?

Tom: It's got something to do with tildes, I bet. Ha! I got in a joke about it before you guys did!

Crow: ~~~

(Tom growls at Crow)

Tom: There are pigs?

Crow: We're lost?

Joel: (imitating Robby the Robot) Danger, Ryoga Hibiki! Danger!

Joel: Earth-like planet?

Tom: Your sun?

Crow: Yeah… and why would the servant own the sun?

Joel: For tax purposes?

(The bots look at Joel)

Joel: What?

Crow: (imitating the master) Underlings! Bring me my Underoos!

Joel: So, it's actually an Eart-like planet…

Joel: Setting coordinates for Therwe…

Crow: Just han dand-y.

Tom: Reader's Dijo?

Crow: It would be nice if this thing were condensed.

Tom: It'd be even nicer if it were evaporated.

Crow: You know, that sounds like it's gotta hurt.

Tom: Haven't I read somewhere recently about Ryouga's, uh, excessive force?

Crow: Yeah, but I'm talking about Akane getting 'screqed'. That just sounds painful.

Tom: Red hare? I didn't know Bugs was a Viking.

Crow: (imitating Elmer Fudd) Kill duh wabbit, kill duh wabbit…

Joel: Well, no one's arguing that Ranma can be a big boob at times.

Tom: Must be the anime version of Ranma-chan.

Crow: To which I say… Woo hoo!

Joel: And just when Akane's having fun, too…

Crow: Yeah, but Akane doesn't like boys…

Joel: You're still thinking of the girl you were playing in the Holocabana…

All: (facefault)

Tom: (imitating Akane) Oh, okay. I don't mind being pushed off of you so that you can screw my fiancée… where's my mallet?

Crow: Cock dinner?

Joel: Not another word, Crow…

Crow: You kidding? Why swat a fly with a Buick?

Tom: Well, it gives a whole new meaning to "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner…"

Joel: TOM!!

Tom: (imitating Ryoga) Did the earth move for you?

Crow: (imitating Ranma-chan) No, but the spaceship fell…

Crow: Yeah, that'd be the first thing I'd be doing after sex… staring out the window.

Crow: Y'know, some people just smoke after sex.

Tom: I think those are vapor trails behind Ranma-chan, Crow…

Crow: Some kinda gas, anyway…

Joel: Crow…

Tom: This has got to be a put-on job.

Crow: Yeah… Usagi, responsible?

Joel: Usagi, not eat?

Joel: Eh, spaceship? This is Tokyo, not Toronto!

Tom: An evil Ryo-ohki?

Crow: Tonight on Geraldo… when cabbits go bad.

Tom: (imitating Emo Phillips) Baaaad coleslaw.

Crow: I said CABBITS, not cabbage!

Joel: Guys, it says Nevil… maybe it's Ryo-ohki's English cousin.

Tom: There's an England in the Tenchi universe?

Joel: (doing the "V for victory sign, imitating Winston Churchill) There will always… be an England.

Tom: Iams. The pet food endorsed by Oscar.

Crow: No, I'd say it's the pet food that is Oscar.

Joel: Huh?

Crow: When I get my hands on him, he's dog meat.

Tom: (turns to Joel) You know, this can't be Oscar.

Joel: No? He makes all the mistakes Oscar ever did.

Tom: Yeah, but he just admitted to one.

Joel: (thoughtful look) …

Tom: Mars Soiler?

Crow: Well, she mentioned her ass…

Tom: Eww… Joel, may I?

Joel: (nods)

Tom: Thank you. CROW!

Joel: Dragon slve? Salve?

Crow: It's for Raye's ass…

Tom: Don't make me say it again, Crow…

Tom: She did.

Joel: That'll happen when you're sad.

Tom: (imitating Usagi) Because I wanted some of that Dragon Salve, too! Wahh!

Crow: (imitating Rei) Oh, kiss my ass, Usagi.

Joel: Guys…

Joel: (blinks) Where did that come from?

Crow: Dunno, but it's obviously more important that dealing with that spaceship, eh?

Crow: Well, wasn't that a tender moment.

Tom: (to Joel) And you thought the last sentence was confusing.

Tom: Who is apparently, still at the ranch.

Tom: (imitating Sailor Sayan) This is for Rafael! And take that for Donatello! And take this for Michelangelo! And that one's for…

Joel: We get the idea, Tom.

Crow: Hotcha! An intergalactic strip show! Talk about some heavenly bodies!

Joel: Wouldn't it be easier just to buy 51% percent of the voting stock? Then you could take over the whole company, not just the plant.

Tom: Joel, I'm starting to worry about you…

Sailer sayan said I not letting you do this horibul things! and Lum laufhed and said stoppid litl Bitch u can defeet my generals

Joel: Lum seems rather confident of her adversary.

Tom: I never expected to see Lum fight Ranma… even if he is done up as a stupid Sailor Scout.

Crow: Hey, I resent that! You calling the Sailor Scouts stupid?

Tom: No, just this one.

Crow: Oh… well, that's different.

Joel: Let me get this straight… they're wearing black/brown see-through leopard-skin bikinis.

Tom: That has got to be one strange pattern.

Crow: Hey, as long as there ain't much of it, who cares?

Tom: Well, that's nice. Alien invaders who're open to other suggestions besides killing.

Crow: That's 'kiling', Tom. One 'l'. And a tilde.

Tom: Will you stop with the tildes already?

Crow: (whistles 'Waltzing Mathilda')

Joel: Uh… guys?

Joel: All five of me… Lum's gone schizoid on us, here.

Crow: Wait… so this champion's gotta touch their tush? He does that, they're never gonna wanna leave.

Tom: Better stock up on Dragon Salve.

Joel: Paging Monty Hall…

Crow: (imitating Monty Hall) I'll give you an extra five hundred dollars if you can come up another one of those black/brown/see-through/leopard-skin bikinis…

Crow: Close enough.

Tom: Uh… if he's the bestest, isn't he already showing them the bestest?

Joel: No, wait… Rei Ayanami was the bestest.

Crow: No, she dissed the bestest.

Joel: Rei dissed Ranma?

Tom: Moko Tsubasa? Transvestite's Roaring Bullet?

Joel: Maybe it's Mocha Tsubasa… the kid's digusing himself as a cup of coffee this time around.

Tom: I'd have preferred Jell-o pudding, myself.

Joel: I'd say that's proof their heads turned to jelly, wouldn't you?

Tom: Hey! It's Hoimand's Hoimits!

Crow: (singing) Something tells me we're on to something bad…

Crow: That's as good a reason as any, I guess…

Crow: (imitating Kasumi) Oh my… you taste so good, Akane.

Joel: Crow…

Tom: It's got to be better than her cooking.

Joel: Tom!

Crow: It's hazardous work on the ranch.

Tom: (imitating Woody) I've got a snake in my boots!

Crow: Makoto and Nanami are buggering Jinnai?

Joel: Crow…

Tom: That's gotta be a problem, getting all that chocolate sauce off of their feet.

Joel: That's one toaster they don't have to worry about getting.

Tom: Not to mention one thank-you note they don't have to write.

Crow: Ah, so Jinnai's gonna bugger Makoto and Nanami.

Joel: Crow!

Tom: Jinnai's beating Deeva's priest?

Crow: Well, she doesn't have any meat to beat…

Joel: CROW!

Crow: All right, all right… Jeez…

Joel: This cannot be happening.

Tom: (imitating Inigo Montoya) You keep using that phrase. I doona think it means what you think it means.

Joel: It means I can't believe this: confusing Blue Seed with Devil Hunter Yohko with Sailor Moon. This can't be Oscar; he knows too much.

Crow: I dunno… he's using 'em all wrong. Maybe he's just namedropping so we think he knows something.

Tom: Well, I'm not fooled.

Crow: You know, Joel… if you're right, the fact that this guy knows too much would be grounds for having him killed in your typical spy or gangster flick.

Tom: Hey, I'm hip.

Crow: (imitating Cleavon Little) 'Scuse me while I whip this out…

Tom: (imitating townsfolk) AAIIIIEE!! (hides behind Joel)

All: HOW SHARP WAS IT?

Crow: Not much of a punchline. Should had at least something about Ginsu…

Tom: What would it cut, anyway?

Joel: Tomatoes and tin cans, right?

Tom: Oh, That clears that up, I guess.

Joel: Ono Yoko…? What a terrible joke.

Tom (imitating cute girl in MPFC) But it's my only line!

Crow: (rolling eyes) If only it were…

Crow: (imitating Lone Ranger Yohko) My job is done here… Hiyo, Silver, AWAAAY!!

Tom: Right down the street from Otakuland.

Tom: (blows whstle) Unnecessary roughness, on Oscar. Fifteen yard penalty! Taking a dig at Mihoshi for being a low-watt bulb… what, is 'Oscar' thinking we'll start thinking he's smart in comparison?

Joel: Coming from 'Oscar', here, I'd say this is a serious case of the pot and the kettle.

Crow: Pot, huh? That would explain a few things…

Crow: Aaaand we're back.

Tom: I'd love to turn my back on this fic.

Tom: Yoko Ono back there must have cut it.

Tom: Ryouga wants Akane to be Happi?

Crow: And then he wants to fuck her?

Bots: EWW!

Crow: Even I'm not gonna touch that.

Crow: Suck in the cold.

Tom: What, Ryoga found a popsicle?

Crow: (blinks) He's only got one?

Tom: She'd have to eat him first.

Joel: Tom…

Tom: Before she could poop him out, I mean!

Joel: You're not helping your case, here…

Crow: You just had to give her the idea, didn't you, Tom?

Joel: Understatement. Your key to quality fanfiction…

Bots: NOT!

Tom: So, what kind of pearls match the bacon grease, anyway?

All: HUSBAND?!

Crow: Neptune's married? Aww…

Tom: (imitating Scooby Doo) Rover rear!

Tom: Gee, I wonder…

Crow: Netpoontang?

Joel: Crow…

Crow: Aw, c'mon, that was pretty obscure, dont'cha think?

Joel: Kuno and Endyminion… separated at birth? You be the judge.

Bots: YAAAY!!

Bots: AAUUUGH!!

All: (singing) We're off to see the LodWizard…

Tom: Chevy Chase is an elf?

Joel: Three different spellings of 'cried' in one sentence… and not one of them right. That's got to be a new record.

Tom: The NERV of that girl! Thank you!

Crow: That Girl? Please, don't make references to previous Oscarfics, Tom… this is making me ill enough as it is…

Tom: I hope we're getting to the end of this thing.

Joel: Why's that? Besides the obvious, I mean.

Tom: Well, I don't know about you, but I've run out of ranch jokes.

Tom: Now pinchhitting for Misato… Ikari Shinji!

Joel: I doubt there's much pinching or hitting going on here…

Crow: Perhaps not, but Shinji's definately using a bat and balls…

Joel: (sighs) How many times I gotta say it? Crow…

Tom: A new what?

Joel: Took the words right out of my mouth.

Crow: With an axe.

Joel: (imitating Ranma) Get it off! Get it off!

Crow: I'm sure Rei's getting off quite nicely.

Tom: There he goes with the redundancy again.

Joel: How's that?

Tom: Well, it pooped into the area, and caused a turd.

Joel: You're as bad as Crow sometimes, Tom.

Tom: Why, thank you.

Joel: As opposed to mostly dead.

Crow: Angel poop'll do that to ya.

Tom: Hey, does this mean we can go through everyone's pockets and look for loose change?

Crow: I'd say Rei's being pretty loose as it is.

Tom: Now there's a thought. How d'ya think Ranma would do against Muhammed Ali?

Joel: Oh, Ranma would kick Ali's butt.

Crow: Yeah!

Joel: Of couse, Ali is what? Sixty years old now?

Crow: I think this is the point where, if it were me saying that, you'd say something like "Crow…", Joel.

Joel: You're right. Ranma…

Tom: (blinks) Mink is the dragon?

Joel: Believe it or not, it makes sense. Dragon Ball and Ranma ½ equals Dragon Half.

Crow: Yeah, do the math, Tom.

Tom: Bite me.

Crow: One-track mind Ranma's got, huh?

Joel: As if you should talk, Crow.

an Mink got nekid an evrybody got nekid an they all fuckin an everbody was happy.

Tom: Except us.

Crow: Now we're definitely not happy…

Joel: Oh, c'mon guys… it's over for now, anyway.

SATELLITE OF LOVE

"So whaddya think, guys? Has Doc Forrester pulled it off?" Joel was grinning rather triumphantly as they emerged from.

"You mean, has he found the fic to break our spirits?"

"Has he actually managed to resurrect Oscar?"

The bots looked at each other, and turned to the viewscreen. "NO!"

Joel grinned. "Sorry, sirs. Better luck next time. This guy never even dropped himself into the fic, let alone tried to score with anyone and everyone in reach. It can't possibly be Oscar."

"Yeah, and some of the references were so obscure…" Tom chimed in. "This guy probably knows his anime, he's just dumbing waaaay down to scare all of us."

"He may have fooled you, Doctor F., but we weren't taken in for a moment." Crow's tone was almost condescending. "So there."

DEEP 13

"Oh, really? Then I suppose it won't bother you in the least that this 'Digital Penguin' version of Oscar is continuing to write more fanfiction!" The bots tried not to shudder, but Doctor Forrester could see that even Joel was showing a trace of nervousness. "I'll have plenty more of this crap to send you, if you find it so amusing. You'll reach the end of your rope soon enough.

"But I'll let you off for now… still, when the continuation to this comes out…" and he rubbed his hands together gleefully, "you'll be the first to know. Frank!"

"Uh… yessir, your Madness?"

The doctor turned to find his halfwit assistant standing right next to him, saluting like a demented war monument. "The button, Frank. Push it, will you?"

"Yessir. Uh…"

"Over there, you lunkhead."

"Righteeo." Bee-oop! and the viewscreen winked out.

SATELLITE OF LOVE

There were no women on board… at least, not to his knowledge. Kami-sama knew how he'd kill for the opportunity to… Joel pushed the thought out of his mind as he approached Tom's quarters, from where the unmistakable sound of a woman's giggling seemed to be floating. After all, he was supposed to be the superego of the trio, the one to keep his two little hentais in line. It would not do for them to know otherwise.

Now it began to sound like moans… Good gosh, what was going on in there? Joel had to know.

And just as he opened the door, his ears were assaulted by a piercing cry:

"III-YAAAAAA!!"

The bots were hunched in a corner of the room, chuckling. There wasn't a female anything in sight, not even Gypsy. Joel's eyes brightened in realization.

"Hey guys, what's up? Dja manage to pick up the Exxxtasy Channel again on the interocitor?"

"Naw, we're just working out the kinks on this week's invention," Tom announced.

Crow chuckled. "Actually, it's more like we're working the kinks into it. You were wondering what that voice was, I bet…"

"That did cross my mind…"

Another proud look from Crow. "That… was the sound of Megumi Hayashibara having an orgasm. We just mixed that one up."

"I see. So, you're working on giving voice to lemon fanfics, eh?" The bots nodded. "Fair enough… I suppose it has its appeal. So was that Ranma-chan, Lina Inverse, Nuku-Nuku…?"

Crow shrugged. "Who cares?"

Tom sighed. "The only pity is that we can't see what's going on."

"Well, perhaps you guys could hook up that gizmo to the Holocabana's circuitry…"

"Nope. Can't," the bots muttered in unison, shaking their heads.

Joel put his hands on his hips. "All right, what'd you guys do to the Holocabana this time?"

"We didn't do nothing!" Crow held up his hands in protest. "We hit a random piece of space junk, and the damn thing tore right through the Cabana. You can check for yourself!"

"Magic Voice…?" Joel called out.

"Joel?"

"Can you get Cambot to put the Holocabana exterior onscreen, please?"

"Already done, Joel. Onscreen." Joel watched as several maintenance robots swarmed around a certain section of the SoL exterior. A large piece of ice, the size of a yule log, jutted from the satellite's dermal layer. "It should only take a week or so to repair."

"A week…" Joel sighed. "You know, maybe ol' Doc F was onto something when he said that that thing would complement his plans. I think I could well go nuts having to do without that thing for a whole week."

"Well, don't tell Forrester about this, okay? The last thing he needs is to come up with a new way to drive us crazy." Tom was actually shivering.

Joel shrugged. "Well, it isn't as if you could actually, uh, 'do it' with her in the Holocabana, anyway. It's not like you're missing much."

"And you know something, Joel? I've been meaning to ask you about that, too…" There was a note of irritation in Crow's voice. "Why the hell'ja give us the minds for this kinda stuff, and no equipment, anyway? You don't have to tell me I can't have my way with the Puma twins or whoever…"

"No, no… I mean you can't do that — it literally won't let you. Any possibility that bodily fluids might leak out, and the thing… locks… up…" Joel froze. Oh no… he'd said too much. The bots looked at each other for a long minute before turning to him with a single word:

"JOEL…!"

THE REAL END….

(Feel free to hum the closing theme as you read my author's notes.)

Somebody out there seems to think he's Oscar. Fine, then… in that case, somebody ought to give him another decent (or indecent, as the case may be) burial.

Actually, it makes sense: like Joel says, this can't possibly be Oscar, but it’s still goshawful. A fake Oscar, then, deserves a fake Megane. And since I've been dying to do an MST for the longest time, here I am: spatula on my shoulder, stepping up to the plate.

I want to extend my thanks to Megane 6.7, the patron saint of MSTs, for tips, encouragement, and permission to scoop him just this once. There's a reason I've dubbed this 3.35: I'll be lucky if this thing's half as good as some of his.

Also want to thank the Eternal Lost Lurker, that fount of anime lore, for being able and willing to bring me up to speed on a few series mentioned herein that I'm less than adequately versed in.

I suppose I should apologize to Benares for using an except of "Ukyou: Stepping Stones" without permission. He was, along with J.W. Biles, one of the first fanfic authors I ever read, and one of those that, by their work, dragged me into this whole scene. My salutations go out to you, Benares, wherever and whoever you are.

Anyway, hope you've enjoyed this little crack at the Digital Penguin… C&C welcomed, of course (ucchans@ameritech.net). Feel free to send in any anime fanfics that you would like to see MSTed and I'll take a look at it. I should admit, though, that I'm not all that knowledgable about certain series, so… I can't guarantee results, but we can always try, ne?

Itsu mo,

Ucchan ^_^

Well, this wouldn't be a proper Megane 6.7 imitation without at least a page of fanfic and MST webpages, but when I offered folks on the FFML the chance to place their ads, I got zero response. So I'm just borrowing a few, here…

A Long Strange Webpage: A nearly exhaustive encyclopaedia of the best authors on the FFML, plus all sorts of links to their respective pages.

Shinji's Vault of Anime MSTings: Freshly back in business after a change in servers, Shinji's webpage is now bigger and better looking than ever! Check out the new features and enjoy the MSTings of an ever-growing number of talented authors.

Website Number 9 MSTings: Huge collection of MSTings, Anime and Non-Anime. Even the non-anime stuff is worth going over for.

The Shrine O' Oscar: Home of all the real Oscarfic MSTings and final respects paid to him….

Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and © 1994 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved.

Keep circulating those fanfics, people… even the bad ones. Hey, we MSTers need material, after all!

UK ^_~

Webmaster: Larry F
Last revision: May 21, 2007