-We Are The Weird

"You… you're…?"

Nodoka was taking the shock remarkably well, all things considered. Her hairdo was only slightly frazzled, and the twitching of her eyes was barely noticeable.

Soun had promptly fainted.

"Nabiki Saotome. And yes, the ears are real."

Something heavy could be heard crashing around outside. That clamor was soon joined by the sound of various objects being broken, smashed, shattered, and otherwise having their physical structures rearranged without their consent.

The Dark Elf swore under her breath.

"Damn. They're at it again."

So much for a good first impression.

"Yes, We're Crazy And Darn Proud Of It!!!" Fanfic Productions presents:

This Is Just Not Your Lucky Day, Part 2

Disclaimer: "Disclaimachu, I choose you!"
"Copyright attack!!" "Takahashi Beam!!"
"Pioneer Knuckle!!" "ADV Bomber!!"
"EVERYTHING-ELSE-SHOCK!!"

KABLOOIE!!!

"Looks like Team Crossover is blasting off again!"

-This Is Your Life

He shivered again. Why did he feel like the jaws of inescapable doom were closing in on him?

Admittedly, there were already problems like the Kunos, the school's Horde-o-Morons, the occasional Dojo Destroyer, and the fact that his parents were a couple of complete perverts.

But he had successfully resisted and triumphed over (or at least brought to a stalemate) all of those threats to his peace of mind, so far.

This was a whole new dimension of headaches.

"Fiancées! Why did it have to be fiancées?! The old man just had to pull this rabbit out of his hat. Was a little peace and quiet for once really too much to ask for?!"

Ranma sighed in frustration. All that he had ever wanted was a normal life. But instead, what he got was chaos, weirdness, and a bunch of kooky, eccentric relatives that threatened to drive him completely crazy.

And then there was this "manliness" shtick his mother insisted on.

"What's the big deal with kissing and stuff anyway? Mom keeps encouraging me to do that kind of thing, but it just seems so strange and messy. It doesn't help any that Mom and Dad make out like crazed weasels all the time, either. *Shudder* Parents aren't supposed to do that kind of stuff in front of their kids! And they wonder why I don't bring my friends over more often."

As he sank deeper into the bath and tried to forget his worries for a few precious moments, Ranma had one comforting thought. It would turn out to be the last one he'd have for a very long time.

{Well, at least things can't get any worse.}

-Wanna Bet?

Outside, as if the Universe had decided to answer that blatant challenge, two battling figures appeared in front of the stunned Nodoka and the groaning Nabiki.

"I can't believe I'm related to them. The doctors must have made a mistake; my real family can't be anything like this!"

There are stranger sights then an angry gorilla, fighting with an equally miffed Panda, using "literally anything they can get their hands on" as instruments of pain and suffering.

But not many.

Even in Japan, the country voted "Most likely to spontaneously combust due to Random Monster Attacks", this was considered more then just simply "out of the ordinary".

It was also embarrassing the hell out of Nabiki.

She clenched one hand into a fist as a vein on her forehead threatened to explode in frustration.

"That's enough you two! MONO VOLT!!"

**ZZZZAAAPP**

One well-roasted Panda with a side order of crispy-charred Primate was served.

"Ahhh. I feel better now."

She blew a tiny wisp of smoke off of her index finger.

"Soun…"

Nodoka managed a small strained smile; only the small twitching of her left eye disturbed an otherwise serene picture of recovered composure.

"Yes, dear?"

He looked up at her hopefully. Did this mean he was off the hook?

"You're sleeping on the couch tonight."

A 100-ton anvil of misery dropped down on his head, leaving the ultimate expression of suffering in its wake.

"WAAAAAAA!!"

While she waited for their other guests to recover Nodoka decided to question the girl (elf?), as she seemed to be the only one who knew what was going on at the moment.

"Now, I hope there's a good explanation for all of this."

The Drow put on her best poker face.

"That would depend."

Nodoka wasn't buying it. She never played poker anyway.

"Out with it, young lady."

Nabiki tried to resist, struggling heroically for several minutes before she finally withered beneath the "Confess! Confess! You're Guilty!!" Stare, a legendary special technique from the Underhanded Fighting Below the Belt School of Household Ruling.

"Well… for starters, ever hear of a place called Jusenkyo?"

As the terribly tragic story of the Saotome family was related to the Tendos they failed to notice that the one of the unconscious figures was beginning to move…

-Curiouser and Curiouser

Upstairs, a small creature tentatively explored its new surroundings. The room was rather Spartan in appearance, save for a scattered assortment of various electronic gadgets and gizmos, a wall mount housing a small but respectable collection of old weapons, and a few shelves crammed to overflowing with an impressive assortment of books.

Unable to see the titles from her current position on the bed, U-chan decided to ignore them for the moment in favor of other exploration.

A short hop took the rabbit from the chair to the floor. However, to her dismay she found the door securely closed and both windows latched and locked. Oddly enough, both seemed as if they had been designed heavily towards keeping unwanted people from entering. The door was reinforced by a thick metal-blue titanium steel frame on this side, and had no less then three different locks, while the window stills came complete with a sliding armored grill that looked solid enough to stop a tactical nuke.

{It appears I'm going to be stuck here for a while.}

For some reason that thought wasn't nearly as depressing as it should have been.

-Deja Vu x2

Floating in a state of blissful relaxation, the young Tendo was unaware that his brief respite from the world at large was about to come to a horrible, terrifying end.

Having already hung up the "Occupied" sign on the door outside, Ranma was secure in the knowledge that nobody would disturb him.

Both parents respected his right to privacy here, a fact he was extremely thankful for since they sure as heck didn't anyplace else!

{I guess I've soaked long enough. Guess it's time to go and get ready.}

Reluctantly, he started to step out of the soothing hot water and reached for one of the hanging towels.

*Slide*

Surprised by this sudden invasion, Ranma turned towards the door ready to berate whoever had intruded into his sanctuary.

"Oogh?"

It turned out to be a big hulking MALE gorilla.

The poor Tendo did what was natural upon being confronted by a large hairy primate in the nude.

"AUUUUGGHHH!! It's a monster!!"

He screamed bloody murder.

"OOooggAAA!!!"

The gorilla screamed back at him. It seemed to be just as surprised as he was.

Then it got angry.

Real angry.

*WHAM**WHAM**WHAM*

"Oro…"

*Thump*

Down Ranma went.

He never knew what hit him.

Not that he'd have believed it anyway; since when did gorillas go around carrying big-ass wooden mallets that had kanji on the head reading "If you can see this, you're screwed"?

-Sledgehammer On A Detonator

A scream in the Tendo house could mean only one thing.

"Ranma!!"

"Son!!"

Nodoka and Soun reacted exactly like the (*cough*, *cough*) slightly unusual parents that they were.

They dashed up the stairs.

Meanwhile Nabiki noticed that her family was now short one unconscious body.

"Uh, oh…"

She sprinted after the Tendos with all due haste.

{This is NOT good.}

-Prepare to…

"Auuoogaa! Ooo! Ooo!"

The steaming primate prepared to deliver the finishing blow.

*Crash*

The door to the bathroom gave way to the power of maternal instinct as Nodoka reached the scene.

"My son!!"

A deadly blue glow sprang up around the unofficial ruler of the Tendo house.

Soun stopped in his tracks the moment he saw his wife's battle aura kick in and immediately started looking for cover.

Somebody was in BIG trouble.

"Oog?"

Deer.

Headlights.

M1 Tank.

*MEGA-CRUSH*

"Aoou-*SPLATTER*"

Instant gorilla pancake.

Nodoka reluctantly put away her 100-ton iron mallet. Her husband tended to cringe in abject fear whenever she brought it out. While that was nice when she wanted him to do the dishes, it was embarrassing when they had company present. But NOBODY hurt her manly son and got away with it!

"There, there. Mommy's here."

If Ranma had been conscious he would have cringed at being fussed over like a little baby.

"Watch out for… oh. Never mind. Looks like you already found her."

Nabiki took it all in at a glance. She looked thoughtful for a moment, but then just shrugged her slender shoulders.

"Well, she did have that one coming."

-The More Things Change

Ranma awoke to find that he'd been placed on a futon in the living room. A cold compress had been placed on his head to keep the swelling down.

"Oww, what happened?"

He frowned, confused for a moment before finally remembering the traumatic incident.

"Gorilla!!"

His head shot up.

"Oro!!"

And promptly fell back down.

A tentative exploration of his face revealed that the area around his left eye was swollen and painful to the touch. There were other bumps scattered around his head, but that one seemed to be the worst. The martial artist dreaded to think what he was going to look like come tomorrow morning.

{Oh, great. My ribs finally healed from Mom's last training session, and now this.}

An unfamiliar voice broke Ranma's train of thought.

"So, you're finally awake."

He made the mistake of turning his head before being reminded that his cranium wasn't up to any sudden moments.

"Atcha…"

{That… was very painful.}

He stared up into the face of a strange girl that looked around his age. Chestnut brown hair cut unevenly short except for a single braided ponytail that stretched down past her shoulders, big brown eyes that seemed to hint at mischief, crowning a face that was so composed that Ranma could not make out her current feelings one way or another. But what caught his eye was a crooked bump on her nose; it had been broken and reset some time ago, but apparently hadn't healed completely straight.

Nobody would call her a raving beauty, but there was a vitality to her features that caught and held a person's attention. An intangible presence she possessed which seemed to make her stand out no matter where she might be.

{She's pretty good; I didn't even begin to sense her presence until she actually spoke.}

The girl waved down at him.

"Hi, there."

He blinked and waved back with a puzzled expression on his face.

"Uh… hi. Who are you?"

Her guarded expression broke into a self-assured smile.

"I'm Nabiki Saotome."

{Saotome?}

That sounded familar. But he couldn't recall where he'd heard that family name before.

She gave him a sympathetic look.

"As for your injuries, I'm afraid that would be the fault of my violent little sister."

"Your sister? You mean she owns that ugly monster?"

Nabiki found herself fighting back the laughter that threatened to burst out after hearing that.

"*Snort* *Snicker* Not exactly."

An excited shout came from behind Nabiki.

"Son! You're awake!"

This time Ranma remembered to turn his head slowly.

"Father."

*GLOMP*

"Waaahh! I was so worried!!"

Ranma suffered through the Tendo "Hugging and Crying like a Baby" ritual as long as he could stand before finally trying to pry his overemotional parent's arms off of himself.

"Please stop that. It's embarrassing. I'm not a little kid anymore, Dad."

Nodoka appeared like magic from the kitchen, bearing with her a covered tray from which came a familar odor.

Ranma's nose twitched.

His stomach growled as it identified the heavenly aroma of egg sake, hot off the stove.

Nodoka placed the tray down beside him and took a moment to observe his condition. Her eyes narrowed dangerously when they spotted his blackening eye, but the look vanished so quickly that it might have been nothing more then a trick of the light.

"I thought you might be hungry when you woke up."

Ranma nodded slowly as his mouth watered in anticipation.

"Hurry up and finish it before it gets cold."

*Snarf**Gobble**Gulp*

4.7 seconds later, the bowl was empty.

Nabiki blinked in surprise. She thought only her family was capable of that kind of speed-eating.

Nodoka nodded in approval of her son's manly appetite.

"Now then, some explanations are in order…"

-Not a Sleeping Beauty

Akane Saotome groaned as she regained consciousness.

"Ohhh, my aching head…"

A part of her mind idly noted that sometime during her brief nap she'd been changed back to her human form.

Several voices could be heard nearby.

"So let me get this straight; that gorilla trying to kill me was actually your younger sister?"

"That's correct."

"And she changes to a girl when splashed with hot water and back to a gorilla with cold water?"

"Yes."

"And the rest of your family has this 'Jusenkyo' curse too?"

"I'm afraid so."

{Nabiki?}

Upon opening her eyes so that just a crack of light got through, the youngest Saotome could see the back of her older sister's head.

"I see. Well in that case…"

(Who is she talking to?}

"…It's not that big a deal. I'm not too thrilled about getting whacked in the bath, but it's just a black eye; it'll heal. You are our guests, after all."

Akane could have sworn she heard her sister's jaw drop.

"You- you're not going to make a fuss about all this?"

"This is Nerima. Compared to the usual weirdness going on around here, a couple of magical curses isn't exactly too much to accept. You and your family will might actually be a bit more normal then most of the residents here."

"…"

And that was when the Genma formerly known as Mr. Panda decided to wake up.

-Somebody's In Trouble

"Can you fix any of this?"

Rowan looked up from the snowballing effects of the currently highly unstable dimension and gave the Bard a weary look.

"Do I look like a quantum flux mechanic?"

The Half-elf winced and dropped back onto his seat. He watched as an apologetic Mihoshi tried to explain to Shadow and the Guardian how she'd gotten from Washu's lab with all of its shiny buttons and interesting gizmos to what was supposed have been a totally secure and undetectable sub-plane of existence.

Both of them looked like they were developing headaches trying to follow the detective's exhaustive attention to even the most minute of details.

And then the Bard made a mistake.

"Well, at least things can't…"

Rowan's eyes widened.

"NO! Wait! Don't say it!! It's bad-"

His words were to no avail.

"…get any worse."

*THOOM**CRASH**BOOM*

"-luck."

It didn't take a genius to sense disaster in the making.

-Panda Must Die! (Or At Least Get Beaten Up)

Nodoka Tendo was normally a calm and reasonable woman.

"SA-O-TO-ME."

But there were certain things that triggered a legendary temper that was greatly feared by all the residents of Nerima.

Harming her son was at the top of that list.

But bad parenting ranked a close second.

"I can explain…"

Genma tried to inch back as Nodoka's sheathed sword pressed uncomfortably against his bobbing Adam’s apple. But his efforts were in vain, as she maintained a steady, threatening pressure against his throat. He silently prayed that Nodoka still maintained her family's traditional "No killing in the house" policy.

Nabiki blinked as she tried to figure out where the heck the Tendo matriarch had pulled her sword from. And why did her father look so terrified?

Mrs. Tendo hadn't even drawn the blade out yet. She didn't look that dangerous. Did the old man know something that Nabiki didn't?

Soun winced in sympathy for his old friend's predicament. But he was already in the doghouse (figuratively speaking) as far as his wife was concerned. Saotome was on his own this time. With any luck No-chan would settle for merely beating Genma black and blue, and they wouldn't have worry about getting blood out of the carpet… again.

Ranma wished once again that his family were just a little more normal. But from what he'd heard so far, this Genma character might actually deserve the treatment his mother was giving him.

"Well? I'm waiting."

Genma managed to squeak out his standard excuse.

"It was for the good of the schools!"

Wrong answer.

"Aaaaaaggghh!!"

Genma go up.

*Sploosh*

Panda fall down.

"Growf!"

To his credit, the overweight animal hit the pond running and didn't stop. In fact he actually managed to pick up a decent head of steam once he dashed out into the streets.

Not that it was going to do him much good in the end, but at least he was trying.

"Dinner will be a little late tonight, Ranma. Why don't you get better acquainted with Nabiki in the meantime?"

Nodoka started to stretch in preparation. It was only fair to give her target a decent head start.

"Oh… Uh, sure."

He turned toward their guest.

"Would you like to see the Dojo?"

Nabiki had a certain gleam in her eyes.

"Of course. Lead the way."

Ranma's mother shook her head in dismay, as her son missed the not-too-subtle undertones in the young woman's voice.

{He still hasn't learned to recognize the signs that a girl is interested in him. Whatever is a poor mother to do? I've tried almost everything I can think of to get him to be 'manly' with at least one of them, but he still doesn't seem to get it yet.}

But her maternal concerns about her son's love life (or lack of one) would have to wait for the moment. There was a more important task at hand.

"The vengeance of the heavens is swift and sure, Genma! PREPARE TO BE PUNISHED!!"

And the chase was on!

To be continued.

Webmaster: Larry F
Last revision: May 21, 2007