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A Ranma ½ spamfic
by Shade

Disclaimer: Ranma ½ and all characters therein belong to Rumiko Takahashi, Shogakukan, Kitty, and Viz Video.


At last! At long last!!

Here was the solution to all of her problems!

Her very own magic lamp, complete with genie!

Akane Tendo was almost beside herself with glee. Even though the lamp wasn't really hers, it wasn't like anyone would blame her for sneaking up on an unsuspecting Happosai and clobbering him with one of her barbells before he could use it. She didn't see it as theft; the old letch had probably ripped it off from someone else a long time ago, and since the chances of finding the original owner were nonexistent, it was only right that she use it before someone else with less worthy intentions did.

Picking the empty lot next to her house for the plan, Akane pulled out the dull bronze oil lamp and started rubbing furiously along its side with her hand.

From the spout issued a blast of gray smoke that coalesced into a balding middle-aged man that looked and smelled like he had never heard of the concept of proper hygiene.

He took one look at the coughing and gagging girl holding his lamp and threw his hands up in disgusted resignation.

"Oh, great, another one. Not enough to marry me to a redhead, the Kami had to make me a seller of women's footgear. And when that wasn't sufficient, they had to give me two kids to mock all of my failures in life. But when I'm just at death's door, about to escape, the Kami decide to have some more fun and imprison me in a stinking bottle and force me to hand out wishes to the first idiot that rubs it."

He shook his fists impotently at the Heavens.

"What did I ever do to you to deserve this?!!"

Akane finally got over her initial disgust enough to start talking again.

"Who are you, anyway?"

"I'm Al. Al Bun Dee, former seller of women's sandals and now eternally damned to be the slave of this stupid lamp. It's almost like being married again, except without the wife… Gee, maybe this isn't such a bad thing after all…"

"So I get three wishes?"

"Yeah, so hurry up. If I hurry I can still make it to the Nudie Bar's early bird special."

Fortunately for him, all the impatient girl heard with her selective hearing was that she was indeed getting her wishes granted.

"Then I wish that I was twice as good a martial artist as I am now!"

Al casually snapped his fingers together.

"Your wish is granted."

*Poof*

"Hey!! Why do I look like Ukyo?!"

"That's what you wished for. I turned you into a martial artist that was twice as good as you."

"Ukyo is NOT a better fighter then ME!!"

The genie gave her a weird look.

"Who said anything about fighting?"

"CANCEL THE WISH!!!"

"Okay! Okay!! Just stop with the scary big head thing!!"

Once Akane had been restored back to her normal uncute appearance, she tried to figure out what had gone wrong.

Maybe I need to set my standards higher.

"Fine then! I wish I was ten times better a martial artist then I used to be!!"

*Poof*

"Arghh!! Why do I look like that bimbo Shampoo now?!"

"Well, you wished that…"

Her gaze of death dared him to finish that statement.

"Um… I guess you want to cancel this one too?"

"YOU GOT THAT RIGHT!!!"

Akane couldn't figure where she'd gone wrong.

She knew that she was the best martial artist in Nerima except for Ranma…

Ranma.

That was it! If she was better then Ranma…

Never let it be said that Akane Tendo didn't learn from her mistakes.

"I wish that I was a hundred… No, a thousand times better a martial artist than Ranma!"

Because she never did.

"Uh… Are you really sure you want to do that?"

"JUST DO IT!!"

Al paled.

"Fine. But remember, you were the one who wanted this, not me."

He snapped his fingers.

*Poof*

And there stood Cologne.

 

The moral of this story: "You always get what you deserve."

 

-The End

 
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