A Ranma ½ / Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon crossover story
by LS McGill
Disclaimer: Ranma ½ and its characters and settings belong to Rumiko Takahashi, Shogakukan, Kitty, and Viz Video. Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon belongs to Takeuchi Naoko, Koudansha, TV Asahi, and Toei Douga, and DIC.
Chapter One: Don't You Wish This Was A Dream?
Ranma awoke from confused dreams to the stabbing light of day. He groaned in misery as the sun burned through his cracked eyelids and set his brain to screaming. He threw his arm over his eyes to block the light, and tried to figure out where he was and why he felt so lousy.
There had been that fight with Shampoo, where he'd had to take away whatever magical potion she had decided to try and douse him with this week; then, of course, Akane had had to misunderstand that and had punted him to…
All he could remember was a fuzzy impression of crashing through a roof, yells of surprise, then Shampoo's potion bottle smashing under him.
He finally realized that part of the smell assaulting his nose was sake, and lots of it… and he finally noticed that he was female, and that someone was lying next to him. Indeed, that several someones were, and that they seemed to be rather naked, and so was he.
He sat bolt upright, the immediately groaned as the action made his head feel like it was about to explode. Several minutes passed before he could actually focus on the scene around him.
A girl with short blonde hair presently was sound asleep with her arms around his waist and her head resting on his leg. Another girl with slightly wavy bluish-green hair was curled against him to his side. A third girl was curled up against his other, with her head resting on his calf, this one with short black hair. Ranma's head had been resting on her thigh.
Scattered around the room was a veritable whirlwind of clothes, tossed hither and yon. Glasses lay carelessly on the floor near bottles of champagne and sake. Sexy underwear hung from the backs of chairs.
Ranma blinked in disbelief. What had happened? It looked like an… an…
Well to be blunt, it looked like an orgy had taken place with him as the centerpiece. And from the bucket of nearly melted ice and the empty thermos next to the bed…
He was shaking his head in denial as the door to the room opened and a tall woman with long green hair entered, carrying a tray, and wearing only a smile.
"Ah, you're awake! Wonderful! Let me wake up the others, and then we can feed our husband a honeymoon breakfast."
Ranma blinked in terror at the word husband, and his eyes immediately went to the slightly oversized ring on his left hand, then to the matching ones on the girls.
As the tall green-haired girl set the tray down and started to try and wake the sleeping trio, all Ranma could think of was Shampoo's potion, and that Akane would NEVER forgive him for this.
The coffee was a blessing beyond anything he'd ever known, helping him to clear his head from the effects of the hangover and contemplate his current situation, and turning him male. The four girls were totally unsurprised at the change in his gender, or his fuzzy memories of the last several months.
"It's normal, love," the tall green haired girl said. "You've been remembering more every day. I'm glad now that you remember everything, you haven't forgotten us."
Ranma nodded. He had remembered after the initial shock had worn off. Haruka, Hotaru, Setsuna and Michiru had been very worried about him since he had crashed through the roof they had just vanquished a villain on. It had been love at first sight, for all of them, and yesterday, they had been married.
It had to have been Shampoo's potion, but the problem was while he now had his memories back, he was still married. To all four of them.
Setsuna was giving him the eye. "What is it, Ranma? You look worried."
Ranma drained his coffee. "Well, um, I don't know how to tell you all this, but before we met, um, well… I kinda already had a fiancée… um… or three."
Haruka laughed as she nudged him in the ribs. "You were already playing the field, huh, Tiger?"
"I'm sure it wasn't like that, Haruka," Michiru said. "I'm sure Ranma had his reasons."
"Um…" Ranma answered. "Well, I was kinda forced into them. Akane and I were promised since we were born. Then Dad took me on a training trip to China, and I kinda ran afoul of this Amazon whose laws say she has to marry me since I beat her, then there's my friend Ukyo, who says my dad betrothed her to me when I was six." He took another sip of the coffee. "I guess I love Akane, in some ways, but I just don't know what to do."
Setsuna snuggled her still-naked body against his side. "Well, I suppose we can see if we like her. If you care for her, love, we can certainly see if she might be worthy of being another wife. We have to look out for our husband, yes?"
Ranma was in the middle of kissing her when he suddenly realized how automatic the response had been to Setsuna's cuddle. It had been the most natural thing in the world to kiss her.
It just emphasized just how powerful the potion had been. Even realizing what had happened, he was still in love with the four girls. He couldn't bear the thought of life without any of them.
And Shampoo had been planning on using the potion on him while they were alone.
Funny, angry as he was about that, he couldn't make himself upset that it had caught his current wives instead.
The quiet moment lasted for a few eternities before chaos once more raised its evil head, and the dining room wall exploded.
As the rubble settled Ranma heard two words he hated more than anything spoken once more.
Ranma shoved Setsuna out of the way and jumped in front of the others as a bonbori flashed out of the settling dust. He caught the metal ball and stopped it cold, then intercepted the second as it followed close behind. He shouted, "Stop this, Shampoo! If we have to fight, I'll meet you outside!"
The Amazon stopped in amazement. "What? You no try to run? No try to hide fact betray wife?" Large tear-streaked purple eyes blinked at him.
"I didn't betray you, Shampoo. We were never married. And no, I'm not running; nor will I let you hurt my wives." He held up a hand to Haruka. "No World Shakings either! She's human."
The blonde frowned. "She just blew a hole in our house!"
Ranma sighed. "I know, I know. Let me speak to her."
Shampoo just stood and blinked. "Shampoo not believe paper. Shampoo know had be some trick."
Ranma nodded. "Yep. Yours."
Shampoo looked at him dumbfounded. "How Airen say such thing. Shampoo search for lost Ranma after pervert girl kick."
"It was your potion that made this happen, Shampoo. If you hadn't tried to douse me with it, none of this would have happened."
"Ayah. Airen not use marriage potion!"
"I didn't have much of a choice when it broke all over me."
The Amazon looked at the four girls, still naked, but holding a sword, a mirror, a long key shaped staff, and a glaive, and gave a heartbroken wail as her bonbori dropped. "Airen is lost! Marriage potion was for Shampoo! Now happiness stolen forever!"
Ranma folded his arms. "You shouldn't have tried to use it on me. You have only yourself to blame."
"Now Shampoo is doomed," the purple haired girl said quietly. "All can do now is kill self." She stood and turned. "Airen not need worry about Shampoo any more. Bie Lhao."
"What? What the hell are you talking about, Shampoo?"
"Amazon Champion cannot be failure. Granddaughter of Warleader cannot be less. Shampoo honor gone. Only way save family shame is honorable death."
Ranma sighed. "Great. More problems on my head."
Hotaru looked pensive. "Ranma, you can't just let her commit suicide."
Setsuna was looking at the Chinese girl more closely. "You're Joketsuzoku, right?"
Shampoo shook her head. "Shampoo is nothing anymore. She have no honor, no home, no family."
Haruka sat down and grumped, "Great. She's a moper."
Michiru laid a hand on her shoulder. "Be nice, love. We don't know what she's been through."
"I know she's trying to steal our husband. And he's softhearted enough to fall for it."
Hotaru shook her head. "Haruka, we owe her for our happiness. If it hadn't been for her, we wouldn't have our husband."
"We got caught in a spell she used to try and trap him!"
"Does it mean we love him any less?" Michiru asked softly. "Does it mean we want our happiness to be marred by such despair?"
Setsuna was still looking at the Amazon girl. "Would you happen to be related to a girl named Cologne? Looks a lot like you, with blue hair instead of purple?"
Shampoo blinked. "Great-grandmother? She no look like Shampoo. She no want to see Shampoo after such failure."
"Great-grandmother? It couldn't have been that long." Setsuna's brow wrinkled in thought. "It wasn't that many years ago."
Haruka laughed. "Right. Setsuna, for you that could be centuries."
"I know I remember talking to her not that long ago. We were discussing the Amazon laws. I wish I could remember."
"Shampoo have one choice. Honorable death." She raised big tear-filled eyes to Ranma. "Shampoo would have been good wife. Have many strong babies for Airen. Daughter could have been Champion someday. Now Shampoo have nothing."
Ranma, ever the man who couldn't stand to see a woman cry, reached out a hand to Shampoo's shoulder. "Maybe Setsuna's right. Maybe there's a loophole in the laws. Maybe Cologne knows something. Look, I'll go with you to the old ghoul’s."
Shampoo looked at him in disbelief. "Why Airen care? Only run from Shampoo before. Thought would be happy to get rid of."
Ranma shrugged. "I got you to thank for my wives. Whatever the reason, I still love them. I owe you, is all. Let's go see what the ghoul has to say."
Shampoo's eyes fell as her shoulders slumped. "As Airen wishes. Shampoo have nothing else to do."
Ranma sighed. Why was his life never simple?
At least it couldn't get any worse…
One day, maybe, he'd finally learn not to say that, even to himself.
"You beat her in a challenge match in front of the entire tribe?" Setsuna asked. "By Amazon law you're already married, love. No wonder she's so upset."
"But I ain't Amazon!"
"You agreed to abide by their laws when you challenged her, love. You're stuck with the consequences."
"You mean that purple-haired bimbo is already his wife?!" Haruka scowled. "We have to share him with her?"
Michiru was looking over the still-depressed girl sitting next to a rather stern-looking Cologne. "I don't know dear, she is awfully cute."
Hotaru grabbed a hold of Ranma's arm. "We can't just let her kill herself, Ranma dear"
Ranma slumped to a chair and grumbled. "Ya mean after all the stunts she tried to pull on me, I'm supposed to just forgive her? And accept her as another wife? She's taunted and teased me, insulted me, and tried to magick me into loving her! And you're telling me she's my wife!"
Setsuna nodded. "Yes."
"Setsuna love, you are the most hidebound old stick-in-the-mud about some things," Haruka muttered.
Setsuna nodded. "Absolutely. I am the Guardian of Time, and I've seen too many trends come and go. While this current trend for monogamy is popular, multiple mates have always been the standard. And marriage is a lifetime commitment."
"So I can't divorce her?" Ranma complained.
Setsuna whacked him across the back of the head. "Husband! I'm ashamed of you! How could you even contemplate doing something so dishonorable?"
Ranma picked himself up from the other side of the room. "Jeez, you hit harder than Akane!"
The front door of the Cat Cafe collapsed inwards with a loud boom. A shadow blocked the door, one carrying a big mallet.
"Ranma Saotome! You two timing jerk! Die!" The mallet was raised to attack position.
Akane stormed into the cafe, completely ignoring the four girls in fuku. Her eyes were on Ranma in an absolute fury.
The sword cutting through her mallet got her attention, though.
"I don't know who you are, little girl, but you have a beef with my husband, you got a beef with me," Haruka said, her sword jauntily held on her shoulder.
Akane looked at the stub of her mallet and blinked twice. "HUSBAND???"
Haruka flashed her ring at the stunned girl. "Yep. We tied the knot with the studmuffin yesterday. I'm getting kind of annoyed at all these interruptions to our honeymoon."
Ranma was still starting to stand and brace for another low earth orbital insertion. "Um… Haruka, she's another one of my fiancées."
"I'm your only fiancée, you baka!" Akane huffed. "And where does she get off calling you husband?!"
Ranma held up his hand. "Because I am."
Akane stated to glow with a battle aura, but before she could launch an attack, a chain shot into the cafe and snared her waist.
"My darling Shampoo, forgive me for this, but I could not bear to see you so despondent over that wretch, Saotome!"
"I'm not Shampoo, you blind—" There was the sound of water splashing as glass broke. "—and beautiful knight, you! Oh Mousse, I can't believe I never saw how noble and handsome you look, how manly! Take me in your strong arms and bear me away from here!"
They poked their collective heads outside to see Mousse in a paralyzed stance against the wall, while Akane was busy undressing him. "A-A-Akane! Please! I love Shampoo!"
"But you just expressed your love for me! You rescued me from the awful fate that awaited me as Ranma's unwanted fiancée! Take me and love me forever, for my heart is forever bound to yours!"
Ranma looked over at his wives. "Did I act like that?"
Haruka blushed. "We all did, stud. And hey, you're the first guy I ever liked. Kinda fun with you, actually, though it took a potion to get me to admit it. He's in for a real treat if that stuff is the same thing. We didn't crawl out of bed for a week."
Mousse finally got free, wearing only his pants. He sprinted away, chased by the amorous Akane. Around the corner, there was a loud thunk as a telephone pole shuddered, then they watched Akane drag the unconscious Chinese boy off towards the dojo.
Ranma looked at Shampoo. "You were going to douse me with that?"
"Love potion number nine meant for marriage night. Shampoo was hoping she finally celebrate her marriage to Airen."
"I told you, we ain't married."
"Yes, you are, husband. By Amazon law, she's legally your wife. You're disgracing her with your actions," Setsuna insisted
"Yes, love. Look. Amazons are a matriarchal society, so a woman is a member of the ruling and warrior castes. She's the Champion, which effectively make her a princess. You are her legal husband, and you are refusing to acknowledge this. She's here in Japan because she can't go home as a disgraced woman, and she can't marry anyone else. For an analogy, it's like you got her pregnant. All Cologne and Shampoo have been trying to do is get you to live up to your responsibility."
"What?" Ranma blinked at Shampoo. "Is that true?"
"Shampoo tell Airen all this. Why no listen to Shampoo when she say?"
Ranma sat down on a chair. "I thought you were just saying it to try and break up me and Akane."
"Shampoo just want Airen. She no kill pervert girl when have chance like should have, because she no want make Airen hate her."
"See, husband? She loves you too," Hotaru said gently as she leaned against Ranma. "You can't just abandon her."
"And she is really cute," Michiru added.
Shampoo gave him really big puppydog eyes as she batted her lashes.
"Ah, hell. If Setsuna says you're already married, studmuffin, than I guess I'm game." She nudged the Amazon. "Got anymore of that love juice?"
"Ah, hell," Ranma muttered. "Like we need anymore of that kind of trouble."
Shampoo nodded her head. "Maybe for Airen. Shampoo no need. Shampoo just hope curse not cause problem."
Ranma paled. "Oh yeah. Um… Shampoo. Better give me a dose and pray before you change."
"Curse?" Setsuna asked. The rest of the girls looked at the Amazon.
"Shampoo go back to village when fail kill girl Ranma, and fail marry male Ranma. Great-grandmother not happy. Take Jusenkyo retrain. Shampoo fall in spring of drowned kitty."
"A kitty? How cute," Hotaru exclaimed.
"Um, sweetie." Haruka tapped her on the shoulder. "I hate to burst your bubble, Ho-chan, but remember what Ranma's reaction was to meeting Luna and Artemis? And even Diana?"
Hotaru's face fell. "Oh, yeah, he has a phobia."
Setsuna looked at her rather pale husband. "Maybe dousing him with more love potion would be a solution."
Cologne sat a bottle on the table. "Here you go, Son-in-law."
Ranma looked at the bottle nervously. "I can't believe I'm crazy enough to even contemplate this."
Cologne had the cafe cleared in a hurry, and locked down tightly, even replacing the fallen door. In a few moments, Ranma was alone in the room with his wives and Shampoo. She sat facing him eagerly, watching his every move.
Ranma picked up the bottle. "Well, here goes nothing." He poured out glasses for each of his wives and himself. They took them with half smiles as he toasted them, "Here's to love conquering all."
They drank simultaneously as once more the front door shattered and another figure stepped in. She grabbed the Amazon by her collar and started yelling.
"What did you do to my Ran-chan, you crazy Amazon? I just saw the paper, and it had his wedding listed in it!"
She stopped as she realized Shampoo wasn't alone and looked up to see five pairs of eyes looking at her and Shampoo adoringly.
"Wow, they're both hot. Is this another fiancée you've been holding out on us, stud?" Haruka asked, undressing both girls with her eyes.
Ranma nodded. "Oh yeah, it's my cute fiancée, Ucchan." He stepped forward and gave Ukyo a hug before linking arms with her and Shampoo. "I've been dying to tell her how much I love her."
"You have?" Ukyo gave him a startled look.
Setsuna nodded. "I can see why. She's as lovely as Shampoo."
Hotaru stepped behind Ukyo and wrapped her arms around the other girl. "Oh, she's perfect. Can we keep her too, Ranma love?"
The startled okonomiyaki chef stared. "Um, what's going on?"
Shampoo looked over from where she was being undressed and kissed by Michiru and gave Ukyo an ‘amused cat’ look. "Ukyo barge in and join Shampoo as main course at orgy. What think do?"
Ukyo blinked and said the only words that came to mind; "Oh my."
To be continued.
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