from the Evangelion Neo-Bible
An EVA spamfic
DISCLAIMER: I believe Gainax owns Evangelion. No copyright infringement is intended.
- 1 -
- In the beginning, God caused the Second Impact.
- Then God created Gehirn — and Seele, as an afterthought.
- And both Seele and Gehirn were lost in eternal shadows, and the darkness was absolute.
- And God said, "Let there be light." And there was light.
- And God saw Seele and Gehirn for the first time, and wanted to start over.
- But time was short, and His deadline drew nigh; thus, He continued.
- 2 -
- And God said, "Let us make man, now that the important stuff is finished; and let him have dominion over the newly built Geofront; and let him beware if he breaks it."
- So God created man from dust in his own image, and gave him shades, to cover his eyes from the light. And God breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and coughed because of the dust, and there was Gendo.
- And Gendo stretched once, then sat— and steepled his fingers, smirking.
- And Gehirn trembled.
- 3 -
- And God told Gendo, "You may wander freely around the Geofront, but the tree of Lilith you shall not touch, for in the day that you touch it, you shall become LCL."
- And Gendo frowned, but kept away from it.
- And God added, "Ah, Seele will have dominion over you, too. Sorry."
- And Gendo fumed, but kept quiet.
- And God smiled, and chuckled to Himself. "And they say I don't have a sense of humor."
- 4 -
- Then God saw Gendo spent morning and evening staring at nothing, his fingers steepled, and said, "It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a companion fit for him."
- So God gave Gendo a powerful sedative, and while he lay unconscious took his entire spine and closed up its place with flesh.
- And the man's body shrank, becoming smaller and thinner.
- And there was Shinji, the first boy.
- And Shinji opened his eyes, and took off his shades, and looked around the Geofront, and saw God holding his spine, and muttered, "I mustn't run away. I mustn't run away."
- 5 -
- And the spine which God had taken from the man He made into a woman, and brought her to the shaken Shinji.
- And God said, "She's bone of your bone, and flesh of your flesh; she shall be called Yui, just because."
- And the boy and his wife were both naked, and Yui was not ashamed.
- And Shinji was too busy drooling to be ashamed.
- Then God said, "Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the Geofront and make it yours."
- And Shinji heard Him, and promptly fainted, blood gushing from his nose.
- And God snickered, then got back to work.
- 6 -
- So it came to pass that Yui would pursue Shinji around the Geofront, but the boy would run away for some reason.
- And God saw Shinji spent morning and evening staring at the Geofront's heavens, and thus rechecked His designs, wondering where He had failed.
- And in his infinite wisdom, God in time knew the problem and its solution. He realized Yui was too aggressive for the shy Shinji, and so called to the woman.
- And when she came, God also gave Yui a powerful sedative, and while she lay unconscious, took her heart and closed up its place with flesh — He wasn't very inventive nor original, it seemed.
- And the woman's body shrank, becoming smaller and thinner. It was common those days.
- And there was Rei.
- And Rei opened her eyes, and blinked. Then, she blinked one more time.
- And God scratched His chin.
- 7 -
- So God found himself with a spare heart, and not wanting to waste it, He made it into another woman.
- And there was Asuka.
- And Asuka opened her eyes, and smiled widely. She gazed at the absent-minded Shinji, and her smile turned into a leering grin.
- And Rei saw this, and blinked.
- And God saw it, too. He blinked.
- 8 -
-And God beheld Rei blinking and blinking, and Shinji running in fright from a mad Asuka, and Seele waiting in the shadows, and the ruined Geofront.
- …And laughed, and laughed, and laughed. And He couldn’t stop for a long time.
- Then He sobered up, recovering from His hysteria.
- And God said unto himself, "How shall I now bring forth My plan from this confusion? Shall even this, the greatest of My creations, not be safe from the curse of Murphy?"
-And God decided to take the evening off to get blitzed.
- 9 -
- Now the Kaoru was more subtle than any other creature created by God. It had one flaw, though: it was lonely. And one day it witnessed Shinji staring at the heavens, and found it intriguing, and looked up, too.
- And in the unfamiliar heavens, it saw beauty, and it loved them. And so the Kaoru gazed at Shinji, and it marveled at the boy's wisdom.
- And so, in time, the Kaoru and Shinji became friends, and strong bond formed between them.
- But then the Kaoru met Asuka, and it hated her immediately. For Asuka would hit Shinji, and she would pursue him.
- And the Kaoru frowned.
- And Seele trembled.
- 10 -
- So Kaoru went to Asuka, and congratulated her on her power over Shinji.
- And the creature told Asuka, "Is there anything beyond your mighty reach, oh Red One?"
- And Asuka narrowed her eyes, but said, "I may do as I please, all right, but God said, 'You shall not touch the tree of Lilith, lest you become LCL.'"
- But the Kaoru said to Asuka, "You will not become LCL. For God knows that when you touch it you will be like God, and not even He will surpass your power and glorious beauty."
- And Asuka grinned, and thought about it.
- And she decided to touch the tree of Lilith, and she convinced Shinji of doing the same. After all, she needed an accomplice.
- And both Shinji and Asuka extended their hands towards the tree of Lilith.
- And the Kaoru tried to stop its friend, but it was too late.
- And Rei blinked.
- 11 -
- So God walked through the Geofront in the cool of the day, halting when He felt something on the ground.
- And He looked downwards, and saw He had stepped on a pool of orange fluid.
- And God shook His head, and tried to get the goo out of His shoe.
-And lo, Almighty God saw his creation was ruined beyond all recognition, and heaved a long sigh, knowing He would be the one to clean up the mess.
- Then He caused the Third Impact.
The End - Genesis
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