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A Neon Genesis Evangelion shortfic
by Latin_D

DISCLAIMER: I believe Evangelion is owned by Gainax. No copyright infringement is intended.

C&C desperately needed.

I'm not a person any more, I'm only a mere shadow.

For that's what a man who sells his soul is, a shadow of his former self. Because only a shadow hides behind love and duty, only a pitiful shadow follows orders from a person it despises.

And I am a shadow. I've been one since the moment I agreed to help a madman destroy humanity. That terrible moment, when I became selfish enough to forget about others, and decided to only heed my feelings, not paying attention any more to my guilty conscience.

I'm a cynical man par excellence. One of those "I won't believe until I see it" people. And so, I thought love at first sight was nothing but nonsense for a long time. But, one day, I saw her.

For the first time in my life, I found myself frozen, unable to think. She was watching at me with those beautiful eyes of hers from the other side of my desk, her gaze boring into me, unwavering. She was so close; too close for me to resist. And later, when I saw her in my class for the first time. She listened to me intently while I disserted about something meaningless and long ago forgotten, seemingly swallowing my soul as she breathed. Piece by piece, feeling by feeling, she took it, making me hers. How I managed to finish that class, I don't know. And then, when I heard her melodious voice calling my name. Oh, I could have died happy in that moment…

Kouzou Fuyutsuki, I silently read the plaque on my desk, Sub-Commander of NERV. An important man, I'm supposed to be; a man with power, right hand of the Commander himself. Scum, that's what I am; nothing but the vilest scum.

And Gendo is even worse. He never deserved Yui, never. His isn't love, it's purely an obsession. A desire to possess something way beyond his usual reaches. Maybe he doesn't even know it—for he is so used to deception that, sometimes, he even fools himself—, but he doesn't really love her. He just needs her, because if someone so perfect as Yui loves him, then he mustn't be that bad.

But… am I any better?

I'm tired—and old. I ought to give up, to let her go.

But I can't, and I'll never be able to. My heart forces me to go on, reminding me why I'm doing this every step of the way. For if I can see her face one more time, if I can feel her touch again, then all the pain won't have been in vain. It will be worth all the sacrifice, I just know it.

Will I be judged when this is over? Will I be happy? We send children to their deaths every day, play with people, manipulate them as we please. Will God forgive me? Will humanity forgive me? Will—Will she forgive me?

So many questions I should answer… but I don't have the will to hear the responses, nor the strength to face my errors.

The phone rings, startling me out of my musings. I answer it, and Gendo's cold, controlled voice immediately greets my ears. "Fuyutsuki, I need you here immediately. Something… unexpected has happened."

Unexpected? Coming from Gendo, that's a lot.

"Yes, Gendo," I hear myself say. "I'll be there in a second." I put the handset down, stand up, and slowly begin my way to the door.

I await your judgment, Yui, my love. We will meet soon.


The end.

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