Disclaimer: Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon belongs to Takeuchi Naoko, Koudansha, TV Asahi, and Toei Douga, and DIC.

General:

I am the very model of a modern Youma General,
You can't tell if I'm vegetable, animal, or mineral,
I knew the Queen Serenity, and I fought the fight historical
From Pluto's moon to Mercury, in order categorical;
I'm very well acquainted, too, with all the matters magical,
I spout incantations, both the simple and the radical,
About necromantic theorem I'm teeming with a lot o' news,
And cheerfully I'll use it on whoever might have other views.

All:

And cheerfully he'll use it on whoever might have other views,
He is the very model of a modern Youma General.

General:

I'm very good at summoning a creature quite maniacal;
I'm on a first-name basis with things hallucigenical:
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Youma General.

All:

In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
He is the very model of a modern Youma General.

General:

I know our mythic hist’ry and Queen Beryl has been deified;
I haven’t any mercy; I've a pretty taste for genocide,
I speak most elegantly and my crimes are all quite heinous,
In battle I can floor the Senshi, foreign or indigenous,
I can tell 'untested minion' from 'devil-beast' and 'youma lord',
I speak the croaking language of the Demon Frogs of Nephrite’s horde,
Then I can hum a tune while leading armies o'er a castle’s moat,
And whistle jaunty airs while slicing open the defender’s throats.

All:

And whistle jaunty airs while slicing open the defender’s throats,
He is the very model of a modern Youma General.

General:

Then I can write a death warrant in Babylonic cuneiform,
And tell you ev'ry detail of Sailor Pluto's uniform:
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Youma General.

All:

In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
He is the very model of a modern Youma General.

General:

In fact, I don’t know what is meant by "neutron bomb" or "M-16",
And I can’t tell by sight a modern rifle from a magazine,
When such affairs as ambush and surprises are my specialty,
And when I have no knowledge of emotions such as 'loyalty',
When I don’t know what progress has been made in modern gunnery,
When I know no more of tactics than a novice in a nunnery—
In short, I've just a smattering of elemental strategy,
You could say I’ve never had to face opponents happily.

All:

You could say he’s never had to face opponents happily,
He is the very model of a modern Youma General.

General:

For my military knowledge, though I'm evil and quite bloodthirsty,
Has only been updated to around the Sixteenth Century;
But still, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Youma General.

All:

But still, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
He is the very model of a modern Youma General.

Author's notes: This was inspired by a comment made by Benjamin Oliver, the author of "Nuke 'Em 'Til They Glow" and "Going At It Like Rabbits". In a discussion about "Going At It Like Rabbits", he was talking about Ranma — who in the story fell into the Pool of Drowned Moon Princess or something like that — facing off with youma for the first time.

He said "It'd be a different story at the end of Volume 38, when Ranma had, of course, defeated several sayajin-level fighters. We just can't have him coming in out of the blue and flicking aside the very model of a modern Youma General without getting in some hardcore training first. Simply wouldn't be proper otherwise!"

That — unfortunately — got my brain going, and this is the result. I have gotten several responses from people who thought it was funny, so I decided to post it here.

Benjamin had written his own version of the song and had it sung by Jadite in "Nuke 'Em 'Til They Glow", but I'd completely forgotten about that, and didn't remember a single word of Ben's version.

This came about by my searching the Internet for the original lyrics by Gilbert and Sullivan, and adapting them to fit the genre: for example, in the first stanza, 'matters magical' instead of 'matters mathematical'.

Many of the lines from the original applied to Youma General with very little revision; the line about not knowing more about gunnery than a novice nun is only changed slightly.

One comment I got from the FFML was that the scansion seems off. Just in case anyone else wonders about that, this isn't proper poetry. It's an adaptation of an existing theatrical song, and I tried to keep it as close to the syllable count and rhythm of the original as I could. So if the line lengths seem screwy, blame Gilbert and Sullivan. They were the ones who did it! ^_^

Webmaster: Larry F
Last revision: May 21, 2007