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A Ranma ½ spamfic
by Larry F

Disclaimer: Ranma ½ and its characters and settings belong to Rumiko Takahashi, Shogakukan, Kitty, and Viz Video.

This is my first diary entry in many years. I hadn't tried to keep one since mother died. I guess my life had fallen into such a bland routine that I hadn't anything worth writing about.

How could I know that one day my simple life would take a sudden, drastic turn? It began six months ago when Father collected the day's mail and found a postcard in it from his old friend.

Bringing Ranma from China.

That's all it said. But what a difference so few words can make…

He arrived the same day as the postcard. We were expecting two visitors, but only one arrived. He was a handsome youth, tall and strong, and with the most striking blue eyes. I was disappointed, though, because he was two years younger than I, and I would have preferred someone older as my future husband.

Yes, he's my fiancé. Father had told us before his arrival that he would be arriving for an omiai — a marriage meeting — and that it was important for one of us to accept him. The future of our dojo and our school of martial arts rode on it. As the eldest, the dojo would naturally be my dowry; and as eldest, it was my duty to take up the burden of the family honor.

But I must admit that, at first, I was sorely tempted to pass off the engagement to Akane, my youngest sister. After all, Ranma-kun is a very frightening person. He has an intense way of looking at you that makes you feel like you're meat on the butcher's block.

However, impulsive as she is, she challenged him to a practice match, and he soundly trounced her. After that, she said that she wouldn't have anything further to do with him. She wasn't hurt badly, although it took days for the bruises on her face to fade away, but I think that her pride was hurt the most.

Nabiki had been excited about a prospective fiancé, but when he arrived she changed her mind. She later told me that he was "just too spooky", and that she felt like a mouse trying to stare down a wolf around him. That's not very much like Nabiki; she's usually a very bold girl, and not used to being intimidated.

We set him up in the upstairs guest room, and while unpacking he gave me some food to store for him. It was some kind of dried meat, similar to beef jerky. When I asked him about it, he told me it was "panda". I think that he was joking; everyone knows that pandas are a protected species, so no one would sell their meat for food.

I'm not sure, though. He has a poker face that a professional gambler would envy. But I'm certain that he does have a sense of humor. Ranma once told me, "A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti… and I don't even like liver."

I suppose I'd better stop writing now. I have to start dinner. Ranma has promised to provide the ingredients for the main course tonight. He said that he knows where to get both a duck and a piglet for free. I'm looking forward to making a truly special dinner with them, to celebrate the sixth-month anniversary of our engagement.


Author's notes: This is actually the second incarnation of this story. I wrote a variation of it as a spamfic several years ago, a dark comedy piece in which Kasumi was openly aware of Ranma's eating habits and worked hard to come up with recipes for his unusual larder. However, that version is long lost, so I decided to redo it with a bit more subtlety. Hope you like the results.

And yes, this is a mystery fusion of sorts. Call it a crossover of Ranma and Silence of the Lambs, even though the only direct SOL element is that modified Hannibal Lecter quote. ^_-

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