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An MST by Josh Temple of Joe Fenton's
Akane no Abazureonna, Chapter 1

Disclaimer: The Ranma ½ characters belong to Rumiko Takahashi, Shogakukan, Kitty, and Viz Video. The fic made fun of is done so with the author's permission. The warning for his fic is included in-text. Please note that the story this MST is about is not typical of Joe's usual writing; it's a deliberate parody on his part.


—Begin fic.

"Hello, and welcome to the Satellite of Pants," a short-haired, black-jumpsuit-wearing teen said. "Gods, I feel dirty every time I say that."

"Oh… Hey, Dan," a pale teenager in a grey jumpsuit said. He was followed by a shimmering-blue-haired girl in a blue jumpsuit.

"Hey, Gos. I'm surprised the mads let you keep her," Dan glanced at the viewscreen that dominated the front of the room.

"Well, they let you keep your curse, so why can't I have Erika?" Gos replied.

"Good point," Dan admitted.

"So you're saying I'm a curse?"

"Technically — yes."

"That's it! You're not going to have a body for an entire week."

"Fine. Holograms don't need air. I can wait out here."

"Stupid meat-bag. Our projector only has a range of twenty feet up here. You'd still be in the theater."

"Shut up, both of you!" Dan shouted. "You two morons have always shared a body! Hey, where's Sarah?"

"Um… I thought she was with you…" Erika said.

"Well, there's no depressurization, so she can't be tunneling through the hull. Oh well."

"Yeah, so how 'bout those Dodgers?" Gos asked.

"Are you trying to strike up a sports conversation? What the hell?"

"Sorry, I'm bored. Normally the mads have called by now."

"So they're a couple minutes late," Erika stated, just as the viewscreen activated. On it was a somehow-deranged-looking little man, standing in what looked to be a cross between a lab and a cheese shop.

"Ahh, if it isn't the wonder-teen squad. A shame I don't have a complete set, what with missing The Neurotic Blonde and Sailor Rose Angel or whatever deluded magical girl she's calling herself today. So how are my hapless prisoners this week?"

"Fuck off, Murdock," Dan said.

"Ahh, full of spirit. Good! That'll make this week's fic all the more enjoyable."

"Don't we have an invention exchange first?" Erika asked.

"Ah yes," Murdock nodded, then waved his hands around his solid-dairy-filled room. "Like most people, I have cheese, and lots of it, but how to organize my collection so that each piece is preserved in its optimum environment? That's why I invented the Say-Cheese™! It's voice-activated software tells you exactly how your cheese should be stored. I'll have my assistant test it out."

"I'm not coming out wearing this thing!" a female voice from off-screen shouted.

"Do it, or I trick DarkStar into eating your little princess," Murdock countered.

"Fuck you! That won't work."

"Fine. I'll just do everything in my power to prevent your radiant future of love and peace from ever existing. In fact, I'll dedicate my life to corrupting humanity to the point that their last days will be spent as a monstrous, twisted blight on the galaxy."

"All because I won't wear a fucking cheese hat?!" the woman screamed, moving in range of the camera. A foam Packer's cheese hat was sitting on top of her green hair.

"Exactly. Now, see how easy that was?" Murdock asked.

"Hey, Meiou," Erika said to Murdock's assistant.

"Hey yourself," she said, before turning back to Murdock, "It's bad enough that you want me to wear this hat, but do I have to do it in my Senshi uniform? Do I have to have my time staff too?"

"Yes! It is all vital to my plan," Murdock said, his left eye twitching.

"Now show our in-house audience how the Say-Cheese™ works."

"Um… I don't know."

"What?!"

"Murdock, look at what you handed me. It's just a pocket calculator shoved into a brick of cheddar!" Pluto said, shoving the Say-Cheese™ under Murdock's nose.

Murdock took a bite out of it, and started to chew on the electric cheese. "Well, that was a bust. What's your invention?" Murdock asked his prisoners.

"It was Sarah's turn this week, but we don't know where she is," Dan said looking off to the side.

"I hope she didn't try the airlock again. It's not like she has that armor anymore," Murdock noted, putting down the electric cheese. "What's going on?" Murdock asked as a wide stream of water came in from somewhere beyond the border of his viewscreen. The water simply passed through Erika, distorting her image slightly. Dan and Gos, however, changed.

"The fuck?" female Dan and Gos said near simultaneously. Dan's cursed form looked pretty much like his female equivalent, save for the red eyes and slightly longer hair. Gos' cursed form, on the other hand, was identical to Erika, save for the grey jumpsuit.

A fairly oriental-looking redhead then walked into Murdock's view, shouldering what looked to be a normal water gun. "As you can see, my invention is for those whose friends have Jusenkyou curses, but have managed to control them. I found the right combination of chemicals that restores the original hot/cold water activation."

"Thanks, Sarah. Now that I can't remove my curse, you decide to make it inconvenient. What happens if the hot water goes out?"

"An excellent idea," Murdock muttered.

"At least it's not locking water," the Erika in the grey jumpsuit stated.

Sarah crossed her arms and nodded.

"Brilliant move, giving her ideas," the blue suited Erika said to the grey.

"Oh yeah," grey Erika said, nodding.

"Let's switch. Talking to myself is creepy," blue Erika said.

"But these are fun," grey said, squeezing her chest.

"Those are mine!" blue shouted, her holographic image walking closer to that of her doppelganger.

"This is not a well relationship," Dan muttered while pushing her hair out of her face.

"Like you should talk," Sarah said putting her squirt-gun on the table.

"Hey, Allison and I don't share a body."

"No, but you did summon her in an unholy ritual, involving several blood sacrifices and the complete works of John Denver."

"That's a lie!" Dan shouted defensively.

Murdock smiled. The cousins were fighting again, and the couple was trying to, although Erika's lack of a corporeal being made that a bit difficult.

"Um, Murdock? The fic?" Pluto said, holding a five-and-a-quarter inch disk like a it was a rotting fish. She had taken off the cheese hat, and placed it on top of her staff.

"Ah yes, thanks for reminding me," Murdock said. Then at his viewscreen: "Sorry to interrupt, my little puppets, but we do have other business. By the way… nice invention, O'Neil. Today's fic is 'Akane no Abazureonna, Chapter 1: Beating - Er - Meeting You', by Joe Fenton.

"It's a one-shot that delves maddeningly into the depths of Akane-bashing, and the lengths that some authors will go to distort a character just to make it easier for them to make fun of them. Basically, Ranma shows up and Akane violently and repeated puts him in comas. Then something happens with Kuno. After that, it falls apart into an incoherent mishmash. Enjoy!" Murdock said, grinning. Then to the green-haired woman standing next to him: "Time whore, send the fic."

"Switch!" Erika blue demanded to grey, just before the lights started to flash.

"We've got fic sign!" Sarah shouted, as the vault door behind them opened.

"But I haven't gotten hot water yet," Dan said.


"Oh, this can't be good," the grey Erika muttered, sitting down in the fourth seat from the right.

"Why?" Dan asked, sitting next to where the blue Erika appeared to be sitting.

"You don't know what 'abazure onna' means?" one of the Erikas asked.

"Nope," Sarah said sitting down in the rightmost seat.

"That's odd."

"Hey, I only look like Onna-Ranma, you timesharing freak."

"Sorry. It means bitch, as in the woman," grey said.

"So the title translates to 'That Bitch Akane'," blue finished.

"Yeah? So? Murdock told us it was rampant Akane-bashing. That's not too bad," Dan commented, leaning back. Great, another fic she had to watch as a girl.

"Why hasn't the fic started yet?" Sarah asked, looking at the giant blank screen.

"Sorry for the delay. Won't be another minute," Murdock's voice said over a P.A. system. "Damn it, Meiou, I told you I wanted the fic in .TXT! This HTML crap is useless to me! Useless, I say!"

"Last chance," the holographic Erica said to the solid one.

"Fine," the grey one agreed as the blue Erika's image changed to that of Gos in a grey jumpsuit.

"Now I can only see and hear the fic. Much less pain for me!" Gos exclaimed.

"You moron! It's text." Dan rolled her eyes.

"Okay… Sorry about the wait," Murdock said as the fic started.


>A Ranma 1/2 alternate universe parody. A PG-13 rating for language and situations.


Dan: I guess this means that words like fuck and bitch will be replaced by numerical shift-key gibberish

Erika: Or used in a different language, like the title.

Dan: Oh… yeah….

Gos: See? Learning can be fun! I'll show you a letter followed by several dashes and you tell me what vulgar, obscene or blasphemous word it is.

>This story and a few others can be found on my web page at
>jlfenton65@yahoo.com

Sarah: Isn't that an email?

Erika: It's a security measure, that way only people that ask really nice will get to find his website.

Gos: Or those with Google.

Dan: Who would want to, though?

>Ranma 1/2 is a trademark of Viz Communications, Inc. and was created by Rumiko Takahashi.
>This story is of my own derivation and is not intended for commercial purposes, so please don't sue me.

Dan: Derivation, eh? Why, I remember one time—

Sarah: No math puns.

>Author's Notes: If you love Akane unconditionally and loath stories that portray Akane as less than saintly, don't continue reading! You have been warned.

Dan: However, if you think that Akane is the antichrist, this fic might be for you!

Gos: You mean she isn't?

Sarah: Oh yeah… You've actually met her, haven't you?

>Akane no Abazureonna

>Chapter 1: Beating - Er - Meeting You

>by Joe Fenton

Gos: You see? That's just shoddy editing. Joe really should have caught that mistake.

Dan: I think he intended it to have that 'Er' in it.

Sarah: Nothing like an author being cute with the chapter title. Shows he has a sense of humor.

Erika: Or is as tactful as a turnip.

>Soun looked at the postcard in his hand.

>Returning from China. Bringing Ranma.
>Saotome.

Dan: So China was BYOR? I'd expect that much from communists.

>"Oh, how I've waited for this day!" Tears ran down his cheeks as he went to get his girls.

>He stopped at the kitchen where his oldest was slicing some watermelon. "Kasumi! When you have a moment, I have something to tell you."

>Kasumi smiled. "I'll be right with you, father."

Sarah: Right after I clean my nice sharp knife.

Dan (her voice halting): It's my only friend.

>Soun ascended the stairs to his middle daughter's room. "Nabiki? Can you come down? I have something that needs to be addressed."

>Nabiki flipped her comic book closed. "Okay, Daddy."

Erika: But Dad! Peter Parker was just about to get all full of self-doubt.

>Downstairs, Soun ran into his youngest, just back from jogging.

>She looked at him curiously. "What's up, Dad?"

>Soun turned pale. "N - n - nothing, Sweety. You just finish your workout." He tried to make his smile seem heartfelt.

Gos: If she starts to get angry, stay calm. She can smell fear.

Sarah: At least Soun didn't call her 'Sweaty'.

>Akane frowned. "Nothing, huh? You wouldn't be trying to pull something, would you?"

Erika: Because that would make me angry, and you wouldn't want me angry, would you?

>Soun back-pedaled, waving his hands. "N - no! Of course not!"

>Akane sat at the table and smiled. "Good! Then you won't mind if I sit in on this meeting."

Gos: Of course not, dear. Just like how we don't mind it when you send people out into the cornfield.

>Soun fretted as he waited for Kasumi and Nabiki. The girls paused when they noticed Akane seated at the table. They finally sat at the table opposite their younger sister.

>Soun opened and closed his mouth a few times, trying to find a way to put it that wouldn't get him killed.

Sarah: Admitting that you committed war-crimes can be so tough.

>Akane smashed a fist down on the table. "WELL?!"

>Soun squeaked, then rushed through it. "Myoldfriendandtrainingpartneriscomingtostayforawhile - >ohandhissonRanmawillbewithhimthey'vebeenonatrainingtripandoneofyougirlswillbehisfiancie!"

Dan: I just love it when instead of writing 'he spoke without pausing for breath', the author decides to delete all the spaces.

Sarah: What? It gives you an insight onto the author's vision.

Gos: Drinking 'Vanish' would have the same result.

Erika: But with prettier colors.

>The girls were silent as they tried to decipher their father's words. Kasumi and Nabiki paled and edged further away from their sister as they finally dissected the statement.

>Akane's eyes widened and her face contorted. A battle aura started to form around her.

Gos: Anime Rule #34: glowing is a very, very bad thing.

Dan: At least she didn't wipe blood off of her face. Then they'd all be dead.

>Everyone jumped as they heard the front gate open.

>Kasumi, Nabiki, and Soun leapt to their feet. "I'd better see who it is!" As one, they rushed to the front door… and just as quickly came running back. Just behind them was a giant panda carrying a kicking person over its shoulder.

>They ground to halt as they faced Akane. In the face of the youngest Tendo's ire, the three turned to confront the panda.

>The panda dumped a small figure in front of it.

Gos: Anyone here order a plot device?

Erika: You get one free with every large pizza or bucket of wings.

>Soun pointed to the girl. "Y - you wouldn't happen to be…"

>The girl looked down self-consciously. "I'm Ranma Saotome. Sorry about this."

>Kasumi and Nabiki sighed in relief. "Oh, thank God!"

Sarah: Wow. Not only is Joe anti-Akane, but he thinks the other two are lesbians.

Dan: Normally it's Akane that swings that way.

>Soun was torn between relief that his youngest girl wouldn't kill him, and despair that the schools wouldn't be joined.

Gos: Come on, Soun. You only die once, but a good school can last years.

>While Soun was frozen in indecision, Akane stood and approached. She looked over the smaller girl and smiled.

>"Hi! I'm Akane. Would you like to be friends?"

>The smaller girl looked up and smiled hesitantly. She nodded.

Sarah: Although a very deep instinctual part of her was chanting 'Run Away! Run Away and Hide! Get Out Now!!'

>Akane jerked her head toward the side doors. "We've got a dojo. I understand you've been on a training trip; would you like to spar?"

>Ranma looked puzzled as the others behind the girl shook their heads, waved their arms, and mouthed "no." They all instantly stopped and tried to act innocent as Akane whipped her head around.

Erika: See? Kasumi's trying to mouth 'Call the police'.

>Ranma shrugged. "Sure."

>They moved out the side doors and over to the dojo.

>Akane took an aggressive stance. "Don't worry. I'll go easy on you." She charged in with a wicked punch.

Sarah: Wicked? Someone likes their 80's slang.

Gos: Radical.

>Ranma dodge the punch easily - and the follow-up kick - and the punch that followed that.

Gos: Ranma dodge punch easily. Ranma smash insane girl.

>Akane frowned. "What are you doing? Fight me for real!" She increased her speed and tightened the moves, but was still unable to connect.

>Ranma finally leapt over Akane and tapped her on the back of the head to signify victory.

>Akane looked shocked, then started to chuckle.

>Ranma rubbed the back of her head, embarrassed, and chuckled as well. Her chuckling tapered off as Akane's chuckles grew into loud laughs, and then into hysterical cackles.

Dan: Not. A. Good. Sign.

>Akane whipped out her mallet and pounded the girl flat. "HOW DARE YOU BEAT ME!! YOU #%@ %#&@ *%&#%@ %#@$#%& BITCH!! YOU'RE JUST $%#&*$@ LUCKY YOU'RE A #@^*$@& GIRL!!" She brandished her mallet over the girl. "You don't even want to know what I'd have done if you were a &#%^@%* boy!"

Dan: Well, lookie here. Numerical shift-key swearing.

Erika: I guess 'bitch' isn't a swear word.

Gos: Aside from that, it's a nice little rant.

Dan: Yeah… nice.

>She stomped out of the dojo as Ranma pried herself up off the floor.

>Ranma sighed. As she reentered the house, her father waved her over.

>"Ah! Ranma! Here he is, Soun!" He poured some water from the kettle over his son, reverting the cursed boy back to his original form. "See? He really is a boy! Now the schools can be joined!"

>Soun started to whimper and backed away as a voice came from behind Ranma and his father.

>"She's a boy?! HE'S A $&% @#%^ ^&%^#$!*^ BOY?!" Akane was livid at the deception.

Dan: That last one with the carrots at the beginning and end is nine letters long! What swear is that long?

Erika: If this girl is a boy, then how many other girls could be boys in disguise? I'll never be able to change in the locker room again. I've gotta start killing girls too.

Sarah: You're gonna need a bigger crawlspace.

>Genma laughed. "Well, boy. She's got spunk! I'm sure you two will be happy together!"

>Soun tried to get his friend's attention. "Saotome, I don't think…"

>Ranma broke in. "If you think I'm gonna marry her, you're nuts!"

>Akane went absolutely cold. "Oh? And what's wrong with me?"

Gos: Well, you just beat me into the ground while screaming in ampersands, asterisks, and dollar signs.

>Ranma turned to face the girl. "Well, nothing - other than you swear worse than Pop, you got all the grace of a gorilla, and the face to match!"

>The Tendos broke into a run for the door as Akane grabbed the table.

Sarah: Looks like they know the score.

>Ranma had turned slightly as he waved a hand vaguely in Akane's direction. "Hell, I got more of a figure than you when I'm a guy, much less when…"

Dan: Not too bright. Not at all.

>****

>Ranma gradually regained consciousness. He had a splitting headache. His groans caught the attention of the two girls in the room.

>Kasumi changed the cold compress on Ranma's head as Nabiki moved to get a better look.

>"Real smooth there Saotome." Nabiki smirked. "You certainly have a way with words."

Dan: I suggest you buy a helmet.

Allison: I'd suggest he check to make sure he can still read.

>Kasumi frowned at her sister, then turned back to Ranma. "I suggest you don't antagonize Akane. She - gets in these moods…" She trailed off.

>Nabiki frowned. "If you're feeling better, you might want to get ready for school."

>Ranma would have sat up, but his head hurt too bad. "What?! But the spring term doesn't start for another week!"

>Nabiki sighed. "That was three weeks ago."

>Kasumi gave Ranma a stern look. "You really don't want to antagonize Akane."

Dan: I smell a coma.

Erika: You lost twelve percent of your brain.

Gos: Me lose brain? Uh-oh.

Sarah: I guess the hospital was too expensive, what with HMO's and all.

>Ranma eventually made his way downstairs. He scowled at his father.

>Soun looked up from his paper and burst into tears. "My future son-in-law is all right!"

>Ranma opened his mouth, then shut it and looked around for Akane. Assured the girl wasn't anywhere nearby, he spoke his mind. "I ain't marrying that psychotic lunatic!"

>Soun nodded. "Of course not. After all, we want you to live long enough to give the school an heir. So you are now engaged to Nabiki." He resumed reading the paper.

Sarah: Wow! They actually showed good judgment.

Gos: Yeah, usually those two idiots force Akane and Ranma together until one kills the other.

Erika: Like putting two insects into a common jar, and seeing which devourers the other

Dan: Ahh… I love science.

>Ranma scowled some more, then sat down for breakfast. "Do I have to go to school?"

>Genma nodded. "As long as we're staying here, you will attend school with your fiancie… and Akane. You've already missed a couple weeks."

>Ranma grumbled under his breath but didn't feel like pressing the issue due to his throbbing skull. He scooted around the table as Akane came down for breakfast. The girl glared at him, but sat down to eat.

>Nabiki stood and grabbed her bag. "Come on, Ranma."

>Ranma complained. "But I haven't finished breakfast!"

>Nabiki shrugged. "Well, if you'd rather have Akane show you where the school is…"

>Ranma was over by her in a flash. "Let's go!"

>Genma tossed a bookbag at him.

Dan: Which hit Ranma in the head, knocking him out for another month.

>****

>Ranma stood near the doors of the school. Nabiki had left him to make his own way to the office to get his class assignment. He decided he needed some air before locating his homeroom. His position gave him a fine view of the morning festivities.

>There was a stirring of the crowd in the courtyard as a familiar voice was heard nearing the school.

>"I hate boys. I hate boys! I HATE BOYS!! I HATE BOYS!!"

Dan: So she's a lesbian, too.

Gos: Just because your girlfriend's one doesn't mean all girls are.

>A hurricane swept in through the school gates. Boys scrambled left and right, then fell as Akane methodically worked her way through the crowd. Ranma winced at the punishment she was dishing out. More than one was left writhing in agony; the lucky ones were knocked unconscious. Soon, Akane was the only one standing.

>Ranma knew he should leave well enough alone, but he just had to know. He moved over closer, staying just out of range if the girl should happen to lunge at him. "What's the deal?" He hooked a thumb at the boys scattered around the courtyard. "They challenge you for a date or something?"

>Akane gave him an irritated look. "Of course not!" She shrugged. "I just hate boys."

Erika: And why haven't the nice men in white coats taken her away?

Sarah: I'd wonder more about the police.

Gos: Akane had a saying: Kill 'em all and let God sort them out.

Dan: One day she decided to put her theory into practice. It took over forty-three U.S. Marshals to bring her down. Now, let's never speak of her again.

Erika: U.S. Marshals?

Dan: Yeah, she was in Seattle at the time.

>Ranma sweated and slowly edged away. That was when things got really strange.

>An older boy jumped from behind a tree. He was dressed in tight leather shorts, a mask, and carried a riding crop. "Ah! My Black Mistress of Cruelty once more seeks to demonstrate her infinite love through the physical ministration of pain. Come, my love! Give me your fierce embrace!"

Gos: That was just plain wrong. Even for Kuno.

>With a cry of outrage, Akane laid into the boy with a vengeance.

>Ranma thought that things couldn't get worse - then he heard the boy cry out, even as Akane worked him over.

>"Yes! Yes! Arrrgh! Such lovely pain! Such exquisite ecstasy!"

Erika: Correction — that was wrong.

>Ranma turned and lost his breakfast in the bushes.

Sarah: My Lucky Charms. They'll be after them.

>****

>Ranma kept looking at Akane out of the corner of his eye as they stood in the hall holding buckets.

>Akane eventually noticed. "Well?! Are you going to ask, or do I have to beat it out of you?!"

>Ranma took a step sideways. "No! There's no need for that! I just wanted to know what the deal was with that last guy - the one in the leather."

>Akane looked introspective. It was such a novel look that Ranma was caught by surprise. Akane looked almost cute… almost being the operative phrase.

>"That's upperclassman Kuno. I have mixed feelings on the whole thing. On one hand, I like to beat him." She tilted her head a little. "On the other hand, Kuno likes to be beaten. Kind of takes all the fun out of it."

>Okay - there went the almost.

Dan: Ph34r the C|_|+3

Gos: Lest she rip out your soul and make it into a hat.

>****

>Kuno, now in a proper boy's uniform, made his way over to his desk near Nabiki. "Tendo-san. I would like to enquire as to the identity of the one conversing with my Black Mistress this morning."

>Nabiki gave him a glare. "That's Ranma Saotome, my fianci."

>Kuno nodded once. "Might he be staying at your residence?"

>Nabiki hesitated, then nodded. "He might, but you needn't worry, Kuno. He and Akane don't get along. Akane has probably spent more than half the time she's been around Ranma beating on him."

>Kuno lunged to his feet. "WHAT?!?!"

>The teacher sighed. "Kuno. Buckets. Outside."

>****

>"Ranma Saotome!"

>Ranma looked over at the shout and sighed. The idiot in the leather was back.

Erika: Wait, he changed back into his leather shorts?

>"How dare you try to steal the punishment that is rightfully mine! The ministrations of my Black Mistress are only for one such as myself!"

Dan: The more things change, the more they stay the same.

Gos: What? Akane being violent and Kuno being a moron?

Dan: Shut up.

>Ranma ducked under the lash of Kuno's riding crop. "If you wanna fight, let's take it outside!" He ran for a window and jumped out.

>Kuno followed right on his heels. "You'll not escape me, blackguard!"

>Akane ran to the window, a look of delight on her face. The delight changed to disappointment. "Damn! The pool's just below these windows!"

Erika: Why can't I see bodies splattered on the concrete? I want jellied humans!

>Ranma felt the change as he landed in the pool. Now a red-headed girl, she swam for the side of the pool. Kuno grabbed her from behind, a hand mauling her chest. Grabbing Kuno, she launched herself from the pool, slammed Kuno to the ground, and leapt the boundary wall.

>Kuno gradually worked it all out in his head. 'That was a girl… I was grabbing her in a most ungentlemanly manner… that's it!'

>Kuno ran after the girl. "Come out my little water-sprite! I must be punished for my unseemly actions!"

Dan: It's a shame Ranma can't just kill him.

Erika: Killing won't solve all your problems.

Sarah: But it will solve most of them.

>****

>Ranma sat on the tree branch, wringing out her pants. "Sheesh! I can't believe what a pervert that guy is!"

>"Ranma!" Akane stood beneath her. "I won't tolerate you fighting with Kuno! If you beat him up, I'll have to find someone else to work out my frustrations on!"

>Ranma's pigtail stood straight out. She smiled nicely. "W - w - whatever you want." Her smile dropped as she muttered under her breath. "Better the fruitcake than me…"

>By this time, Kuno had located the pair.

>"My lovely water-sprite! You still need to punish me for laying hands on your person!"

>Ranma stuttered as Akane smoldered. "Uh - uh - what about Akane?"

>Kuno turned to Akane. "Yes! My Black Mistress! Punish me for being unfaithful!"

>Akane needed no further prompting.

Dan: They make a cute couple

Sarah: No, they don't.

>Ranma waited for the torture to end, then leapt down. She looked rather green. "Doesn't that freak you out? That he enjoys it so much?"

>Akane looked thoughtful. "Yes, it's quite disturbing." She glanced at Ranma. "You don't like it, do you?"

>Ranma glared at her. "Of course not!"

Gos: Wrong answer.

>Akane smiled beatifically. "Good!" She pulled out her mallet.

>****

>Ranma woke up in the school infirmary. Her groaning notified the school nurse that she was once more conscious.

>The nurse looked the girl over, giving her a sympathetic look. "Why don't you just head on home, Deary?"

>Ranma shook her head. "I've already missed enough school. I better get back to class."

>The nursed sweated. "Uh, school was over hours ago."

Dan: He's gonna be a vegetable in no time.

Gos: Look at it this way: he was out for under a day.

Erika: I'm surprised no one tried to cram her into a girl's uniform

Sarah: Not every author revels in making Ranma girlish.

>End Chapter 1

Dan: IT'S OVER!

>More Author's notes: Yeah, I know. I should be beaten like a redheaded stepchild for this one.

Erika: Ahh, you know it's quality literature when they quote Battle-Bots.

Sarah: Well it is an excellent idea.

>Sorry, but I just had to do it, but don't expect me to work on this very often.

Dan: Oh, so there is a God.

Gos: He just hates us very much.

Sarah: Now, the other characters… will he make them into grotesque parodies, or is it just Akane?

> I tend to be more pro-Akane. I'm not hung up on her, so I decided to make this just to appease some of the more rabid anti-Akane-ites out there. It's a parody of all the really anti-Akane stories you'll run into.

Dan: If this is appeasement, then Chamberlain would have firebombed Berlin.

Sarah: Yup. Nothing to help a cause like making your side look insane and unbalanced.

Gos: Wait, this was a parody?

>Believe it or not, there are some stories that aren't parodies where Akane is almost this bad. Oh well. Back to my other stories.

Gos: He has other stories?

Dan: And apparently, in those Akane is a perfect angel.

Sarah: So he's violently bi-polar in his character portrayal.


On the Satellite of Pants, Erika had used some hot water and switched with Gos. Erika had then altered her holographic image to match that of Akane in a school uniform. Sarah had changed into a red shirt and black pants, and had braided her hair into a pigtail.

"So, Akane, why do you hate boys so much?" Sarah asked.

"Shut up, Ranma! You wouldn't understand. You're all horrible little monsters that should be destroyed."

"Right," Sarah replied, as Gos walked into the room. He was dressed in one of his old school uniforms.

"Um, hi, Ranma, Akane," Gos said nervously, eyes darting around.

"What did you just say?" Erika asked her eye twitching, and a vein pulsing on her forehead.

"I said hello," Gos replied, backing away.

"I thought as much," Erika said, her eyes narrowing. Pulling a chainsaw from behind her back, she charged at Gos, running him through with the powertool, spraying holographic pixilated blood all over the room. She then pulled the chainsaw out of Gos, who slid to the floor and out of sight behind the table, and spun around to face Sarah, blood dripping off the chain. "See! I must never drop my guard! Never!" Erika screamed, then started grinding her teeth and chucking to herself.

Sarah started backing away until she bumped into Dan, who had just walked on screen. She was still in girl-form, with a rather maddening smile on her face. She was wearing a long brunette wig that was tied back in a ponytail with a bow. She was also wearing an apron over a sundress.

"Kasumi! You've got to help me! Akane just killed someone from school!" Sarah pleaded, spinning around to face Dan.

"Oh, Akane has one of her little fits at least once a week," Dan smiled, her lower lip quivering.

"She killed a man with a chainsaw! Why isn't she locked away?!" Sarah said, while Erika started licking the end of the powertool.

"Oh, it's just a phase," Dan said happily. "Come on, who wants cookies?" she asked, grabbing a baking pan from somewhere beyond Murdock's viewscreen.

"Excellent. Its horror has snapped their pitiful minds like old cabbages," Murdock chuckled.

"Right. Cabbages," Pluto deadpanned.

"See for yourself. The fic has taken their minds and replaced them with the gross woodcuts of those in the fic."

"Murdock, they're putting on a sketch," Pluto said, holding her head.

"Oh… Well, in that case, push the button," Murdock sighed.

Pluto looked on the viewscreen where "Akane" was trying to decapitate "Ranma" while eating a cookie given to her by "Kasumi". She shook her head and depressed the button cutting the feed.

 

—End of Fic


A Fish-Pants Production.

Joe Fenton's website can be found at: http://www.geocities.com/jlfenton65/

"I ain't marrying that psychotic lunatic!"

Soun nodded. "Of course not. After all, we want you to live long enough to give the school an heir.

 
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Old Gray Wolf