The Wheel of Time turns — as is often said by a certain author — and Ages come and pass, leaving memories that become legend. Legend fades to myth, and even myth is long forgotten when the Age that gave it birth comes again. In one Age, called the Third Age by some, an Age yet to come, an Age long past, a wind arose. From where… well, I'm kind of lost there since I'm all out of maps. It was not the beginning. But, hey, at least it was a beginning. I mean, all that metaphysical carp about ending and beginnings, well … I kind of have a fic going, so let's just get on with it.
The wind, well, did what all winds did. It blew across a plain of green grass. It flew over the blue waters of a large ocean. And it blew right up to a really big thing.
To the untrained eye, it looked like a mountain, this massive rock that was the center of a city. The trained eye would notice that it was actually a gigantic fortress, seemingly carved from stone and molded into its current form. Also one would notice it was bright green… Neon green.
The wind blew and blew, and wisp of it curled around the green fortress and went up. Up and up, it went, this wisp, until it reached the top. Until it reached the banner, flying free in the wind.
That's where we find the Wheel of Time has been seriously derailed.
Those who think themselves in the know would say the fortress was called the Stone of Tear. Well, they're wrong. This is not the Stone of Tear. And that up there is not the Dragon Banner.
Look at it.
Does that look like a dragon to you?
To be more honest, it looks like a rodent.
An electric yellow rodent, with a lightning tail.
To find an answer to the question that seems to be on everyone's minds, let us look down and through one of the windows that can be found in the large face of this fortress that looks so much like the Stone of Tear.
"He is the one."
"I mean, is he the one?" One could hear the trembling arched eyebrow and the sweatdrop in the voice.
"You sure about that?"
"He retrieved Callandor. And the Viridian Stone has fallen."
"Yes, but him?"
If one could see, well, one would see someone who remarkably looked like… well, looked like Nurse Joy from Pokémon dressed in a blue dress with a blue gem dangling on her forehead. Her companion was someone who looked remarkably like Misty from the aforementioned show.
"Yes, it cannot be denied anymore. Ash Al'Ketchum is the Pikachu Reborn."
"But he owes me a bicycle!!"
"Hush, Misty Cauthon; your needs are inconsequential against the needs of the Pattern."
You there. Yes, you. Stop sniggering. This is serious. The Pikachu has been Reborn. He's going to go out and Zap the World, so shut up.
Yes, this is a DB Sommer-patented Fusion That Should Never Be, but this is quite serious. The Forsake— Uh, sorry, Team Rocket are loose and all we have is a kid with a baseball cap and a crystal pokéball that everyone seems to insist on calling 'Callandor' to stop them. Not to mention Moko— the Fluffy One is rising.
How this particular mess got started… Well, we have to go back to another Age that has passed, an Age yet to come. An Age where the Guardian of Time is currently holding on for her life on top of a collector's item DeLorean that happens to be a Time Machine.
Part 2: "Time For This Baby To Live Up To Its Title!!!"
A Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon story
From "Are You Sure You Really Wanna Do This?" Productions
by Elsa "Guardian Of Time" Bibat
Disclaimer: Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon is not mine. It's Naoko Takeuchi's, Koudansha's, TV Asahi's, Toei Douga's, and DIC's.
Hell, with all the characters in this…
All characters obviously not created by me, well, they belong to their owners. It's gonna be a surprise.
Apologies to the following people: Ben Oliver, John Biles, Mike Loader, Lara Bartram, Richard Lawson, Rebeka Thomas, The FFML Moderation Team, The Eternal Lost Lurker, Megane 6.7, Chris Davies, and well, a hell of a lot of other people.
Trust me, I have a good reason to apologize.
I hope no one takes offense. And if they do, please note, the offense was not meant; all is done in the name of fun.
Hotaru screamed as the windows flashed with bright cerulean light, hugging Pooky tighter. The lavender bear was quite squished as it was, but somehow managed to stay intact. Hotaru, being a daughter of a Certified Mad Scientist, was quite used to a lot of Tomoe-sensei's idiosyncrasies, which would have driven other people to throttle him on general principle. But being only six and his daughter, she managed to not do that… on occasion. The one thing about her Poppa she really never did get the hang of, was what he did when he drove really fast. Poppa usually laughed like a maniac when he drove fast. Not his usual mad laughter; no, as Soun Tendo has his particular variations to his crying jags, so does Souichi Tomoe have his various forms of maniacal laughter for various occasions. He could probably have made a book of his many laughs… and he did, but that is a story for another time.
The young raven-tressed girl prayed to whatever god was listening and pushed Pooky-chan's chances of survival as she fervently thought to herself, I hope he doesn't—
Professor Tomoe's laugh filled the car as he pushed the DeLorean to new heights of speed. "The Pakistanis ain't ever catching me!" Souichi Tomoe raved as he put the proverbial pedal to the metal.
Hotaru just buried her head into Pooky's plush purple fur.
The professor was way too much into his mad laughter, and Hotaru in her teddy bear, and so they failed to notice the mists around them. Or the gate that was in their path. And they most especially didn't notice the green-haired woman with the key-shaped staff that they were about to hit.
All they noticed was a dull thump.
"What was that?" Hotaru looked up from her close-up of artificial purple fur at the sound.
"Speed bump?" her father said before another flash of cerulean light enveloped their vision.
Setsuna really hated doing this. Not that she usually held on to the top of a speeding car that was hurtling down the timestream at incredible speeds. No, she was quite used to something a lot safer. Preferably a scooter, especially one of those neon green ones they have on sale.
For a Senshi with superhuman strength, holding on to the roof of a speeding car should have been a piece of cake. Well, a piece of very large cake, but still nothing more than a piece of cake. But having to hold onto something that doesn't usually have handholds on the roof is something that's very hard to do. Holding on with a Time Staff can be rather difficult.
So that's when she decided to jam the Time Staff into the car via the window. A crash of glass later, she was able to heave a sigh of relief as she hefted the Time Staff into the DeLorean.
"AAAAHHHHH!!!! The Flux Capacitor!!!!!!"
From the scream, Setsuna decided that that was a Very Bad Thing To Do.
The professor was driving like a maniac while he looked back at the damaged Flux Capacitor. Hotaru looked at it, too. It seemed, as if out of nowhere, a really big white staff thingy topped with a really big garnet on top had smashed into the driver's side window. Thankfully, it did not hit the white-haired Mad Scientist, which would have resulted in a really big fireball and none of the fun that would ensue in quite a few moments. But, anyway, it did hit something. That particular something was what the Professor screamed out a little earlier.
Hotaru contemplated what her father was referring to when she heard her father scream. You know, that particular scream that was the harbinger of lost hope and large amounts of pain. Hotaru tuned that out like she usually did.
"Poppa, why are you screaming?"
The professor stopped to catch his breath and looked at his daughter. "The Flux Capacitor is the thing that makes this thing go through Time. If it's destroyed, then we're out of control!!! We'll be thrown all across Space and Time!"
Hotaru, being the daughter of a Certified Mad Scientist, knew more about this science stuff that normal kids, so she decided that the aforementioned explanation was a good enough reason for screaming. So she joined her father for the next-round of screaming, pointedly ignoring the 'No Screaming' sticker that was stuck on the glove compartment.
Ami Mizuno, age thirteen, average student, was walking on her way home. The sidewalk she was taking was strangely empty. She sighed. Walk home; eat; study; sleep; wake up; go to school; a daily routine that was starting to become very boring. She wished for adventure, for fun, for friends.
Her wish was about to come true. Well, we all know that her wish would come true anyway, but this particular wish fulfillment was a bit too early.
She looked up from her observation of the ground to notice a phone booth. Well, that wouldn't be quite out of the ordinary if the particular phone booth in front her weren't a phone booth typically found in London. You know, kind of like Doctor Who's phone booth.
Yes, just like it, Ami thought to herself with a faint smile, being a kind of Doctor Who fan herself. Unknown to most people, Dr. Mizuno had a very, very complete and up-to-date collection of Doctor Who memorabilia and videos; for what reason, her daughter never could find out. When asked, her mother would just give her a mysterious smile and say something about a few friends of hers and how her teenage years were spent. Whatever that meant.
Ami started watching Doctor Who at the age of eight, and she kept on watching, as avidly as her mother at times. At the age of ten, she took advantage of her mother's Internet account, something that was still quite rare at the time, and set up a small fan website. A few days after that she found out about fan fiction and… Well, as all fanfic authors do, started right in. Nowadays, she was known on the Internet as probably one of the best fanfic writers of Dr. Who fan fiction, and also as Dr. Mizuno. Anyway, I digress too much and we do need to return to the story.
As Ami Mizuno stood and considered the mystery of the TARDIS look-alike phone booth in frond of her, a DeLorean burst forth from the rip in the fabric of Space and Time several meters away from her… on the sidewalk where she was staring at the red phone booth. With a squawk of surprise, she dove into the nearest form of protection, no matter how flimsy looking, unknowingly the footsteps of her mother two decades before.
The phone booth in front of her.
Before the DeLorean even ever reached it, the TARDIS look-alike phone booth did something characteristically TARDIS-like.
You know… that thing it does. It's been years since I've watched Doctor Who, so you'll have to fill in the blanks.
Pluto swore as she saw the phone booth disappear with its unknowing passenger. She knew she should have blown that damn thing to bits when she first saw it!
Pain lanced into her brain as the basic fabric of reality decided to do a few contortions because of what was happening.
She held on as the Multiverse's equivalent of a really bad ulcer started. Afterwards, the worlds were not as they had been.
A young girl strode down the street angrily. Her clothes were dirty and rumpled. Haruka Ten'ou, age ten, was definitely not having a good day. Her blond hair, tied in a ponytail, swished left and right as she walked. Bruises covered her pretty face, the evident result of another of those scraps she managed to get herself into. Her dad would be quite angry. Her mom would be furious, considering the fact that her mother really didn't want her acting like a tomboy.
"Who needs boys anyway?" she pouted as she started across the street. She was so angry that she didn't notice the DeLorean with a Time Guardian on its roof appearing in a flash of light down the street.
Haruka looked up at the sound of screeching tires and saw a weird-looking car bearing down on her. Her eyes widened as she saw that it was about to hit her. Suddenly everything was a blur.
She was on the sidewalk as the car disappeared in a flash of light. She looked at the person who had saved her. It was someone a little under her age, in a red Chinese shirt and black pants. She could see a pigtail and blue eyes that were so beautiful she felt that she could fall into them. I think we all know who this is, right?
"Are you okay?"
It took over a minute for this to register in little Haruka's brain. It would also be noted that there seemed to be something shifting, the feel that the universe was going to change in a really drastic way. Ranma Saotome does have that effect on the natural laws of human relationships.
To put it simply, Haruka Ten'ou wasn't supposed to like boys. That is an immutable law of personality set forth in her basic character archetype.
Well, she liked them now.
"I said 'are you okay?'"
"Yeah, I think so." Haruka said as she blushed and stood up.
"Don't mention it," the boy said as he brushed dust from himself and started to walk away. Haruka decided that since he did save her life, she should at least give him something.
The boy looked at her.
"Well, since you saved my life, I should at least reward you. You look hungry. How about coming to my house, and I'll ask my dad to fix us some food?"
The boy looked dubiously at her, but his stomach growled and he agreed. As they walked to Haruka's house, she asked his name.
"Ranma Saotome. Me and my pop are on a training trip, and we camped out near here. How 'bout you?"
"Haruka Ten'ou. I live near here."
Haruka decided to change her opinion of boys as she looked over at Ranma as they walked to Haruka's home. Ranma, being thickheaded as usual, didn't notice the little hearts that seemed to appear in Haruka's eyes.
Makoto Kino, age four, looked at the two children before her. Both of them were older than her by at least two years, and she regarded them with suspicion. She blew a wisp of her chestnut brown hair out of her face as she looked at the pair.
One was a young boy, seven years old by the look of it, who was dressed in a hakama and gi. He held a bokken in his right hand and stood ramrod straight. He had a feeling of strength around him, and he seemed to radiate an air of arrogance. He was also quite cute, Makoto thought to herself with a smile. Maybe this wasn't so bad.
The other one was a young girl. She seemed to be the complete opposite of her companion. She was pale and seemed to be as fragile as porcelain. Her black hair was tied up in a ponytail by a black silk ribbon, and she was dressed in a simple black and white dress. Shy would be understating what the girl was. She looked like to be on the verge of running away.
Makoto decided to take the initiative. "Hi, my name's Kino Makoto." She bowed to them formally like she was taught.
"Kuno Tatewaki." The boy introduced himself and bowed. His voice had that aristocratic tone to it. He sounded like one of those samurais in the movies she saw with her Papa.
"Kuno Kodachi." The girl bowed. She seemed to be getting a lot more nervous. Makoto smiled at her to set her at ease. The girl smiled back, weakly.
"Mako-chan!" a female voice called out from the large house.
"Here, Momma!" Makoto answered, waving her arms towards a beautiful woman with chestnut hair that matched the same shade as her own. Dressed in a beautiful green dress, she looked like a queen. She was accompanied by a tall handsome man in a business suit, and a black-haired woman who wore a red dress as beautiful as the other woman's.
"I see you've met Tate-chan and Kodi-chan," the woman with raven tresses said as she moved to give the other two children a tight hug which the two of them happily responded to.
Makoto's mother smiled at the other woman after she gave her young daughter a kiss. "I hope they get along well. She'll be staying here for a while. You sure it isn't any trouble, Kensaiko?"
"No. None at all. Everything will be fine, Achika. Besides, you'll be back after a week, right?"
"Yes. Okay, Mako-chan, your things are with Kuno-san. We'll be back in a week. So give your father and me a big hug, because we're going to miss you a lot. But don't worry. We'll be back."
It was a teary-eyed goodbye between Makoto and her parents. They never did come back.
How is this involved with the trio who are currently rampaging around space and time in a DeLorean?
Kensaiko Kuno met Achika Kino, when the latter saved the former from a being run over a rampaging car which suddenly disappeared with a flash of blue light. Otherwise, they would have never met and would never have developed a friendship that would last for twenty years.
If a butterfly's wings can cause a hurricane, what the hell do you think a car with a Certified Mad Scientist, his daughter, and a Guardian of Time stuck on its roof could do?
To describe what particular wrongness that was caused by the havoc-wreaking DeLorean next would be quite hard.
Even I, the all-knowing female Voice of the Narrator, can't even comprehend the levels of depravity that the author of this fic will sink to for a little attention.
As always, she blames Ben Oliver for this.
Anyway, to outline the events that lead to this particular catastrophe would take awhile. In simple terms: it's a very long story, so let's settle for the immediate results.
Hino Rei hurriedly changed her clothes from the red and white Shinto Temple Maiden robes to her school clothes. She really shouldn't do those early morning fire readings!
She chewed a piece of toast as she ran out.
Damn! Grandfather was in one of his weird uniforms again! No time for that now!
"Bye, Grandpa! Gotta go!"
"Goodbye, Rei," her grandfather said with amusement twinkling in his eyes.
Her grandfather smiled as he watched her run down the steps, pushing up his tinted glasses with one gloved hand, and watched as Rei's long, light bluish hair flew in the wind.
The old man smoothed his white beard as he contemplated the sight. Then he looked around. The Hikawa shrine was empty of every person. Only the ravens remained cawing on the torii arch.
No one would come for a few hours. He had time to check on the others.
Hino Gendou ran his hand through his thinning hair as he pulled a remote control from his pocket and pushed a button. An opening revealed itself not far from him, light hitting a metal staircase.
Gendou chuckled to himself as he swiftly walked down the staircase. The cover to the entrance went smoothly back to its original position, leaving the ravens cawing on their perch.
Time to check on the other Reis.
Let's take a short break, shall we?
It was a saloon. It could have been a saloon anywhere, but it had that distinct Mexican feel to it. It might be the mariachi band. It may have been the good tequila. But, anyway, all I know is this was supposed to be a Mexican saloon. We're not here for the native color or the ambience. We're here for those two over there.
Yep, those two at the bar.
A young man and a woman, both roughly the same height, sat drinking and talking at the bar. The young man was a fairly nice-looking fellow with a handsome face and black hair, and for any fan of the SM parody fanfic, looked remarkably like the Atomic Starlight Knight. The mode of dress, however, was not A.S.K.'s normal style. A worn pair of black slacks and a shirt that had these words written on the back: I AM THE AUTHOR OF NETTG!!
Yes, that's him.
Ben Oliver, renowned author of Nuke 'Em Till They Glow, was making an unauthorized cameo appearance. Unauthorized by him, of course, and considering how much Elsa likes him, this won't likely be just a cameo.
With that note, we go to Ben's drinking partner. An attractive young woman, with a Hotaru-like hairdo and really bad taste in clothing. I mean, who goes around wearing a lavender business suit at a bar? Anyway, to find out who this is, let's eavesdrop on their little conversation.
"Elsa, you're kidding, right?!" Ben asked with disbelief in his voice.
"Nope. Tybalt's gone. The FFML Moderation Team's now doing his job." Elsa Bibat, doing some blatant Self-Insertion, downed another tequila.
"Whoa. I mean I knew the FFML would change a lot after I was gone, but this?!" Ben sipped at his drink.
"Yup. Everything's changing so fast." Elsa sighed. "I mean back in the old days, Tybalt had those cool black helicopters and those funky Seal Team Six guys to take out those who stepped over the line. Nowadays, they just send someone over to break a leg or two."
Ben smiled a little at the memories of Tybalt's death squads and arched an eyebrow. "They just break legs?"
"Arms, too. Too easy to get over. Heard that Rebeka Thomas kid managed to find a way to use her computer with a double arm cast."
"After you left, I think. My memory's not all that good, you know."
"What's she like?"
"Good enough author. Some of her stuff has that magic to it. Though she does need polish. Anyway, she's just a bit too enthusiastic at times, so Biles-sama sent Guido over."
"Yup, he's moonlighting. He usually works for the Mafia, but you know how the FFML is."
Ben responded with a light shake of his head and another sip of his drink.
"Well, even though they disbanded the other death squads, at least they kept the Rubber Chicken Guys."
"The Rubber Chicken Guys? I haven't heard about that one. Tybalt mustn't have sent that one out often."
"Yup. Heard they were sent after the guys and gals who quit."
"Quit? I haven't been attacked by a rubber chicken, yet."
"Well, they're sent out only if a fellow quits without promising a comeback or something like that. Then they send the guys out to kill the fellow with a rubber chicken."
"You're pulling my leg!"
"I heard the Lurker was beaten to death with a rubber chicken."
"Well, he could have been stabbed to death with a rubber chicken. The grapevine can get mixed up a little. All I know for sure is that Mr. Golden Age was taken out with a rubber chicken."
"Sounds like the guy with the Chicken Cannon to me."
"Yup. Rumor has it that Megane 6.7 is actually the head of the Rubber Chicken Guys."
Both of them sat in silence as Ben sipped at his drink again while Elsa slammed down another tequila.
"Did they ever find out who Tybalt was?"
"The Moderation Team said it was passed around through a few people for awhile, but I don't believe them. Nabiki paid them off."
"Jeez. Nabiki again. What's with that 'Nabiki is Tybalt' thing of yours ?"
"If you're so smart, who do you think it was?"
"Pluto." Ben answered with a sip of his drink. "She's always been messing around. You know anyone else who could have pulled it off?"
"Pluto?!" Elsa answered with an unladylike snort. "You're always blaming Pluto! Besides, Nabiki could have pulled it off!"
"You sure you ain't Lara Bartram in disguise?" Ben asked while Elsa was downing another round. Her reaction was quite priceless. You don't know how much tequila hurts until it gets in your nose.
After a few moments of coughing and spraying her drink over the bar, she gave Ben a look that would have impaled a lesser man. But, hey, the guy pissed off Pluto in his entire series and he managed to survive her wrath, and that's something you can boast about to your grandkids.
Anyway, let us return to the conversation at hand.
"What makes you say that?!"
"I mean the Nabiki fetish thing. We always end up talking about Nabiki the entire evening. I mean, we started talking about my Ranma/SM fic, and you started to rant about Nabiki being not included. We talked about fanfics and we ended up talking about Nabiki fics. There are quite a few people I know who have that little Nabiki thing going, but I don't think Jeff Hosmer, or any of the other guys I know, would dress up in drag for a little visit like this."
"I am not Lara Bartram!! If I were Lara Bartram, I'd be talking to someone else, like Loader or Lawson or Biles-sama!"
Ben gave her a strange look. "You're right. I can't imagine Lara Bartram dyeing her hair and wearing a lavender business suit." He motioned to the bartender for another drink and looked at Elsa again.
"Elsa, you've been calling Biles, Biles-sama the entire evening. You sure you ain't on some weird grass or something?"
"Well, that is the only way to address the Great Lord of Anime Fan Fiction."
It was Ben's turn to spray his drink on the bar top.
After a few coughs, he gave Elsa another one of his looks. You know, the looks that said you're a complete nutcase. "If Biles-sama were your 'Great Lord', why am I doing the unauthorized cameo appearance and not him?"
"Restraining order." Elsa answered curtly.
"Restraining order? Okay. Right." Ben moved a little to the left to give her space.
"I mean, it's not my fault that he's a great writer," Elsa began, "I mean, the prose… The beautiful stories… I mean, I just had to follow him around, you know. You understand, don't you?"
"O-o-okay. Let's change the subject, shall we? Why do I look like this? Breaking the fourth wall and all, I don't think I look like this in real life."
"Well, this being a fic and all, I think the writer took the liberty of adjusting everyone's appearance to my personal belief of what they look like."
"So, you think I look like the Atomic Starlight Knight?"
"Yep. That's my mental image of you, the one I got from reading your stories and some of the stuff I heard about you."
"Okay. So everyone in the FFML looks like how you picture them?"
"Well, that's what the narrator told me before we started the scene. I mean, for example, Rebeka Thomas… I told you about her earlier, didn't I?"
Ben answered with a nod for her to continue.
"Anyway, the mental picture I get from her writing is a like a fourteen-year-old Eudial or Mimete, so if on the off chance she shows up in the fic, she'll look like Eudial in a sailor fuku with a crazy glint in her eye. That's the same with the others."
"So-o-o, that's why I look like one of my characters?"
"I always thought A.S.K. was a bit of self-insertion."
"Okay. So what would Biles-sama look like if he managed to be included in this fic?"
"Oh. Well, he'd look like a blond Tom Cruise. But with glasses. And with a pet wombat on his shoulder."
"Well, I suppose, Mike Loader would probably look like… oh… a psychotic Ranma?"
"Yup. That's why I try to ignore or avoid photos of the people on the FFML. They tend to kinda ruin your preconceptions. Heck, I've run across a caricature of Chris Davies as a man with a goatee and glasses, but I prefer my version of him."
"What? That he's really a lesbian biker babe?"
"You reading my mind or something?"
"No, but you become quite predictable if anyone's spent enough time with you."
"Oh." Elsa didn't know if that was a compliment or not, but she let it slip. She did like Ben, and wasn't going to mallet him out-of-hand.
"Anyway, why do you look like that?"
"What? Does it look that bad?" Elsa said with a cursory inspection of herself.
"No. I always thought you were actually a Chihuahua. A fairly intelligent one, of course, but a Chihuahua nonetheless."
One mallet strike later…
"Elsa, you didn't have to do that!"
"Not do that, my foot."
"It was a joke, you macho tomboy!"
"What did you call me?"
Ben took a deep breath and counted from one to ten. I really should lay off on the Ranma, he thought to himself.
"I called you a… very assertive young lady."
"Good. And I'm not a Chihuahua!"
"It was a joke. You can't expect me to do a cameo without at least showing off my incredible wit and humor?"
Elsa grumbled a bit as she downed another tequila. "I'm hungry. Any place to eat around here?"
"Well, there's the restaurant across the street. But…" Ben left the statement hanging.
"They serve only spam."
Elsa groaned. "And I thought Monty Python wasn't going to get into this fic."
"Hey! It ain't that bad. At least it ain't Viking Night."
"Viking Night? What the hell are Vikings doing here?!"
"You know… Mexican Vikings."
"Okay. Mexican Vikings. Right. Why didn't I realize that before? There's Chinese Amazons and Chinese Vikings, why not Mexican Vikings?" Elsa gave Ben a regarding look. "You sure you don't know a guy named Robert Haynie Jr.?"
"No. Who's that? Sounds like Robert Downey Jr."
"Kenjiko. The guy who wrote Girl Days. I think he was after your time."
"I don't seem to recall… What does he look like?"
"He looks like Ranma-chan."
"Isn't that sort of contradictory?"
"Well, that's my mental picture of him."
"So he writes about Ranma-chan a lot? Is he one of those lemon writers with the weird fetishes or something?" Ben arched an eyebrow, a habit most SM writers develop after watching Michiru do it too much, and gave Elsa the Look. "You really sure you ain't Lara Bartram?"
"I'm not Lara Bartram! And Kenjiko does comedy!"
"Okay! Okay! You aren't Lara Bartram!" Ben emptied his cup and turned to look at Elsa. "Being curious and all, what would Lara Bartram look like if she showed up in this fic?"
"A blonde Nabiki. In shiny black leather. With a whip."
Ben shook his head and smiled a little. "You still hungry?"
"Well, let's go. Wouldn't want to miss tonight's special."
"What is it?"
"Spam with hollandaise sauce."
Elsa shuddered at the thought, but since hunger was one of her body's driving forces, decided to go anyway. She slammed down another tequila, stood up from the bar and took Ben's offered hand and walked as if she was as sober as a rock.
"You know, Elsa, this being an unauthorized cameo appearance, I'm going to get even when I get back."
"Oh, that's all right. I always wanted to be in Nuke 'Em!"
"Oh… I wasn't thinking of putting you in NETTG."
Elsa stopped and gave Ben another of her considering looks. "You're gonna put me in Going At It Like Rabbits?"
"Naw, I think I'll make a fic just for you."
"Really? And what sort of fic would that be?" Elsa was starting to become really suspicious.
"Oh, I haven't tried my hand at a lemon yet…"
"Don't you dare!"
"Hey, if I remember correctly, you once told me you'd give an arm to sleep with Haruka!"
"I was telling you about my cousin!"
"And what about that remark about Usagi being hot when she's Serenity form?"
"An innocent remark."
"Well, I don't— Hey! What's that?!"
Ben pointed behind Elsa. Elsa looked around and she saw it.
It, in this case, was a collector's edition DeLorean thundering down the main thoroughfare of the Mexican town with someone suspiciously looking like Setsuna Mei'ou hanging on to its roof. The fanfic authors jumped out of the way as the car speeded past and suddenly disappeared in a flash of blue light.
"What the hell was that?" Ben said as he stood up and dusted himself. Elsa was standing already and had a thoughtful look on her face.
"I don't know… though it did look like something from one of my fics."
"'Pissing Off Pluto'. Don't you remember it?"
"Ah, yeah. That one. Ever finish it?"
"Nah. Got tired after the first chapter."
Ben finished dusting himself off and considered dusting Elsa off, since she seemed to have forgotten about that and had dust all over her suit. Especially around the chest area.
Nah. She'll probably hit me again with that mallet. Where the hell did she hide it anyway? His gaze wandered from Elsa to the street where he noticed something.
"What's that over there?"
Elsa spared a look at where he was pointing and her eyes widened. "Way cool!"
"What?" Ben asked as he saw Elsa heft a really big staff like thingy from where it must have fallen from the passing DeLorean.
"Ben, you recognize this?" Elsa asked as she held the staff up with some difficulty. It was quite heavy. But it was worth it as she gave it the once-over.
"Cool! That looks like Setsuna's Time Staff from Sailor Moon ! Look at the detail!" Ben pointed at the intricate designs as Elsa held it with both hands.
"Whoever made this must have spent a lot of money! Man, I didn't know there was an anime convention around here."
"There is no anime convention around here."
"Then how do you explain this?"
"Really bad cosmic accident?"
"Yeah, right. Anyway, let us not wonder the whys and wherefores, Ben; at least we have it now. This'll be cool the next time I go out. Look, Ben: Elsa Bibat, The Guardian of Time!" Elsa smiled as she struck a pose. She also struck the staff to the ground with goodly amount of force. And that was… well… a Very Bad Thing To Do.
There was an explosion of red light that engulfed the pair, and they disappeared.
Hotaru heaved a sigh of relief after she managed to push that staff thingy out of the window. Whoever carried that hunk of metal must have carried boulders for practice. At least her dad could now get on with the repairs without it getting in the way.
There was a thump from the roof. Hotaru looked up and hugged Pooky tighter. Pooky, having been squeezed constantly by the young Tomoe, had his button facial features doing the teddy bear equivalent of turning blue.
Another thump followed another as it built a steady rhythm. Hotaru frowned.
That sounded like someone hitting a head against the roof. She'd heard the sound many times when Dad forgot that he had closed the door to the lab and went right up against six inches of plate-armor steel.
Yup, that was someone beating their brains out. She wondered who was up there, as the DeLorean went on speeding through a multitude of worlds and times.
And so went the DeLorean on its merry way, wreaking havoc all over the Time Streams, with a particularly irate Guardian of Time on top of it. She was starting to find out how much it hurt to smash one's face on a DeLorean's roof.
A lot of worlds got really messed up that day. To some they brought salvation. To others they brought damnation. But one thing was sure:
The multiverse, or this particular part of it, was really fucked up.
And you ask me how the hell Ash Ketchum became the Pikachu Reborn?
To be continued.
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