Disclaimer: Hellsing was created by Hirano Kouta, and is copyrighted by Gonzo/Pioneer LDC. The Shadow was created by Walter Gibson; its characters are copyrighted by Conde Nast Publications. Doc Savage was created by Lester Dent (a.k.a Kenneth Robeson), Conde Nast Publications, and Bantam Books.

Chapter 6: E Branch

"I have some things I'd like to tell you about."

Dr. Moira Quartermass and Dame Integra Helsing looked like two opposite sides of a coin as they walked down E Branch's sterile white halls. Pale skin and black hair, dressed in a feminine skirt and blouse combination underneath her labcoat, Dr. Quartermass was a counterpoint to Integra's mannish fashion, blonde hair and dark skin.

For some strange reason, their opposite looks irritated her to no end. Her friendship with the female scientist was one of those unexplainable things in life that plagued her.

"Moira, if this is another one of those—"

"Trust me, Numbers. It's not one of those things again. What? You're giving me that look again."

"Will you find me a better nickname than 'Numbers', Quartermass?"

"Can't find another, 'Integer'."

Another one of those unexplainable things that plagued her life was why she hadn't killed her yet. Sartre was right. Hell was an eternity with your friends.

Moira Quartermass was the scion of a scientific dynasty that had made great contributions to the progress of science, though most of those contributions had to be kept secret because they usually meant 'the end of life as we know it'. Moira had lived and breathed the sciences ever since she could talk and she was probably the greatest repository of profane scientific data on the planet.

She was also, in Integra's opinion, totally and completely insane. Most people disagreed with her and called it "genius", but they hadn't had to room with her when they went to Oxford. The fact that they were both hereditary leaders of their particular organizations didn't help any.

Moira disdained Integra's particular obsession with the undead; even when Alucard made an unscheduled visit at the dormitory, she was still dismissive of it. Integra was equally dismissive of Moira's extraterrestrials, having had to hear of Uncle Alex's stories about Daleks and disappearing police call-boxes one too many times. Their respective personalities were also not exactly conducive to smooth interpersonal relations. To Integra's eyes, Moira was crass, insulting, had no respect for her social betters, and squeezed the toothpaste tube in the middle; in other words, a stinking commoner. That Moira should automatically bow to her superior will and breeding was a given. When she didn't, it only made her more determined to break her.

Moira was of the same opinion, but of a different standpoint. How dare this inbred ignorant noble order her around? Superstitious little bint! She even believes in vampires! How medieval can you get? Four years of gibes, insults, practical jokes and other sundry events followed.

But, even through all that — and maybe because of all that — they became friends. Friends who occasionally wanted to kill each other, but friendships with Integra were usually like that.

They hadn't seen each other in two years, but after five minutes of meeting each other again, they fell back into their usual patterns.

"I hope this doesn't concern those… what did you call them on your last annual report? Ah, yes, your so-called 'Mysterons'—"

"Will you not do that!"

"Do what?" Integra's teasing drawl was like a purring cat's.

"Say Mysterons so that there is an implied quotation mark around them. I don't do it with your so-called 'vampires'."

"Actually, you do."

"No, I don't."

"Moira, if we're going to start saying you-did-I-didn't we'll be stuck in that particular rut for the entire day. Now let's act like adults and just say you do and get on with it." One point for me, Integra thought to herself as she was doing mental backflips in her mind.

"Humph. I would think that you with your pair of unnatural pair of 'vampires' would be sympathetic to my little pet project."

"If you had called them a less… BBC children's show name, then I'd be a lot more generous with my disbelief. The security council would probably agree with me."

"But— Hah! Here she comes, my little ace in the hole to get more funding—"

"To fight the alien menace, I know, I know. Moira, Hellsing needs more funding and I'd have to—"

Their conversation was interrupted by Moira pulling out a Beretta 9mm from her labcoat and pumping its entire clip into the woman dressed in a red uniform who had come up to them and was about to say hello. Integra just arched an eyebrow as the woman slid down the wall and slumped on the ground. Motionless green eyes stared up at her from behind a fan of crimson hair. She glanced to the scientist at her side who was still holding the smoking gun in her hand. No one in E Branch seemed to have noticed that their Director just shot one of their workmates.

"You have a good explanation for this?"

Moira reloaded the Beretta and slid it back into her shoulder holster.

"Dame Integra Helsing, I'd like you to meet Captain Samantha Scarlett, formerly of Her Majesty's Armed Forces and currently attached to E Branch."

"She's dead, Moira. She is not going to stand up and—"

"Uuuuhh…" Captain Scarlett groaned from her prone position on the ground. Integra blinked and looked down at the red-haired woman as she picked herself up from the ground. Integra glanced at her old schoolmate and shrugged.

"So she's a regenerator. I can name at least one human regenerator within my knowledge."

"Bah. I know of Iscariot's Father Anderson and I am certain that he was created using 'occult' means." The quotation marks she gestured with her hands were indicative of the doctor's disdain for such an explanation.

"Oy, doc, did you really have to shoot me? This is the fifth uniform I've lost this way."

"Hush, Captain. It is all in the name of science, besides, the uniforms are free."

"But clean-up's a bitch and a half, doc."

"Sacrifices have to be made so that we may prove to these Philistines that my theories are correct."

Integra smiled thinly and brought the conversation back on topic. "I am assuming from your tirade, that the Captain here proves the existence of your 'Mysterons'?"

"Yes. You see, Samantha's condition of immortality is the result of extraterrestrial tampering. She has survived even total cellular disintegration and regenerated without loss in any cognitive faculties."

Integra glanced with an arched eyebrow to the svelte red-haired woman who was looking faintly embarassed. "The doc didn't actually intend to test if I could survive it… It just sort of happened and… well… I had to stop Captain Black and the Mysterons…"

"Captain Black?"

"Captain Jeremiah Black was Samantha's former superior in the Army. They were both abducted during a little expedition under E Branch auspices. Unfortunately, Captain Black was totally subverted and serves the Mysterons totally."

Despite herself, Integra was starting to become interested. "And these Mysterons have been doing what?"

Moira's face contorted into a mask of hate. "Sabotage. Assasination. They have started a secret war against the human race. Fortunately, we have Samantha here. Fate has made her indestructible, and she is our greatest weapon in our war."

Integra shifted her gaze from the passionate brunette scientist to the rather embarassed redhead, who was trying to cover the holes in her uniform. Captain Scarlett did'nt look like any superweapon. She just shook her head. Not her problem.

"That's all very well, Moira, but my problem is vampires. I've heard you made a breakthrough with the FREAK chips."

Moira looked at her despairingly. "But—"

"Moira, I'll talk about it with Diogenes and we'll try to get you better funding. Personally, I think that if you needed any help, you could just merge E Branch with Hellsing and everything would be all right."

That last statement made Quartermass make a face of distaste. "If you think—"

"Really, Moira, we should get back to the business at hand. Besides, I think Captain Scarlett would like to get a new set of clothes." And Integra Helsing makes another goal. The people in the stands are going wild. Moira must be really losing her touch.

"Er…yeah…with your permission Doctor Quartermass…" Captain Scarlett saluted — impressive chest the girl had — and moved off.

"Now, Moira, about those FREAKs."

"Feh. I'll have to ask you to meet Giles down in the Arsenal."

"Who's Giles?"

"Our resident sorcerer."

"I didn't think you believed in 'sorcery'."

"'Sorcery' is just the skilled use of unknown natural laws. Since I still have to find a better word as a substitute, 'sorcery' is good enough."

"So what are you waiting for? Let's go down."

Moira just stared at her with that resigned expression on her face, a look that she had whenever she knew she was beaten. "I hate you, you know?"

"I know."

The elevator pinged and they went.

Then they went down.

To be continued.

Author's notes:

Some things there might be questions about up to this point:

• Doc Savage and Hellsing: Doctor Savage's heritage in the Hellsing world is rather large. See the second novel in this series, "Hell's Doctor".
• Diogenes Club: An alternate version of Anno Dracula's Diogenes Club.
• The Latin dialogue back in Chapter 1: it's perfectly understandable if you know your M.R. James and are skilled in English.
• The shadow eating the building: Watch "The Shadow" movie's Hotel Monolith sequence in reverse.
• Humor factor: I'm using the anime plot but injecting the manga flavor, where it was more comedic.
• Nazi vampires: The ultimate villains of any story. ^_^ From the Hellsing manga.
• Hellsing acronym: Totally canon. Look it up.
• Dame Parvati Helsing: Imagine Himemiya Anthy as Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you'll get my drift. Anthy the Vampire Slayer, anyone? ^_^
• Virgin vampires: Hellsing manga vampirism.
• Vampirisim. Vampire rules work different here. All wil be explained. The three-figure divisions: Watch as Captain Bond bites off more than he could chew in "You Can Die Twice". ^_^
• Moira Quartermass: The final Quartermass movie had the good old prof's granddaughter running around.
• Captain Scarlett and the Mysterons: It should be noted that Chapter 6 should be filmed in supermarionation. ^_^ E Branch will be more prominent in the upcoming "The Day That Hell Stood Still".
• Giles: Imagine a world without a Slayer, without a Watcher council. Trust me, he'd get work somehow.

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Last revision: May 21, 2007