A Ranma ½ - Sailor Moon crossover story
by Dark Phoneix
Disclaimer: Ranma ½ and its characters and settings belong to Rumiko Takahashi, Shogakukan, Kitty, and Viz Video. Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon belongs to Takeuchi Naoko, Koudansha, TV Asahi, and Toei Douga, and DIC.
I was still puzzling over Ms. Mizuno's unusual behavior— she hadn't even attacked me— when both my natural senses and those attuned to the renewed wards I'd placed in the apartment started shrieking. It's kinda like a loud siren that only I can hear, but has saved my life a couple dozen times. I jumped to my feet and had layered myself in barriers as strong as any diamond but as insubstantial as mist when the threat to my life appeared.
The large creature held a staff of some kind, and was dressed in the parody of a Sailor Senshi uniform. Despite its appearance, the creature did have access to power, as evidenced by the temporal acceleration field that crackled on the end of the key shaped staff. Those are nasty pieces of work, capable of aging or un-aging matter at something like a thousand times natural speed.
I activated three of the semi-sentient guardian spells that I'd put in place in case Setsuna ever decided to pay me an unfriendly visit. Around the creature, three fist-sized spheres of golden light appeared. They moved at extreme speed, something I could barely keep up with, and silently conferred with each other. When they agreed on which preprogrammed capture and elimination pattern to use, the spheres whirred around the still falling figure, and before it could come within striking distance of me, they had wrapped it in a web of cohesive light, burning the creature and holding it immobile at the same time. I should teach that spell to the Senshi, in case their otherworldly enemies ever visit them at home.
"Ranma!" it growled at me. Heh, it even sounded like Setsuna. I let the guardian spell lapse into simple balls of incandescent light, giving me a clearer view of the false Senshi. "I'll kill you!" it shouted, struggling wildly in its bonds. The smell of burning flesh wasn't going to do my carpet a bit of good.
Damn, now that I looked closer, the thing looked like Setsuna, too, in a horribly obese fashion. Oh, cool. Hehehehehehehehe! "Is that you, Setsuna?" I asked. I know for a fact that I didn't curse her to be overweight, since that would have been an direct threat to her life and a violation of the pact. "Shit, it really is you. What happened to you?" Setsuna used to be hot, but now, now she was… well, she probably didn't weigh quite as much as me and all the other Senshi combined.
"I won't allow you to get away with this!" Setsuna exclaimed in fury. "The Senshi will break free of your control!!! They will destroy you!!!" I'd better get her out of that web, or she's going to start to cook soon. I really don't want to try getting fat drippings out of the upholstery.
I didn't use my own power, instead I pulled directly from the Silver Imperium Crystal and amplified the energy through my crystal, to set up a containment barrier as strong as I knew how to make. It should hold her, temporal abilities and all. My little guardians faded back into dormancy and I released the light web that had held Setsuna airborne. The milkily transparent energy bubble that appeared almost as soon as the web disappeared didn't allow the Senshi of Time (and pudding) a chance to move so much as a sausage-like finger.
"What am I supposed to do with you now?" I asked. She was beating against the barrier's side with her staff, to no effect. I couldn't even hear her screams of rage. Maybe if I accidentally let it roll out the window. Nah, better not. Oh, well; it'll make a great conversation piece.
Ami's mom decided to drag her now very sexually active daughter to the drug store to pick up some condoms. She wasn't paying very much attention to her daughter's protests.
"But Mom," Ami whined desperately, "we use protection. Honestly, Ranma knows how to stop me from getting pregnant just by using a couple shiatsu pressure points." Kami-sama, this was embarrassing.
"I don't want to hear it, Ami. Ranma seems like a very nice sorcerer, and I'm sure he knows how to do all kinds of interesting things, but I'm not taking any chances with my daughter." Noriko was leading her daughter by the hand, a method unused since the girl had had to be dragged to the dentist when she was seven.
"That's not all, Mom. I know this magic spell that stops me from ovulating. If I'm not ovulating, I can't get pregnant; so don't you see, this is a waste of time. Please, I might see someone I know in there!" If Ami weren't such a nice person, she would have blasted her mother. Unfortunately, Ami was nice, and the thought never really got past her subconscious mind.
Noriko looked at her daughter and snapped, "I want you to stop doing that immediately. Who knows what long-term effects that could have? I want lots of grandchildren one day, and I won't have you sterilizing yourself by accident!"
Ami gave up, hanging her head in misery. She should have just kept her big mouth shut like Ranma had wanted, and none of this would be happening. They reached the drugstore and Ami was led straight to the contraceptives aisle.
"Now, just look around and see what kind you like and find the appropriate size. I suppose I should make an appointment at my gynecologist for you, too." Noriko sighed. She was happy for her daughter, truly happy— proud, too— but why couldn't the girl have kept her mouth shut and not made her mother worry about all this crap?
Ami's face was bright red, and the color didn't show any sign of lightening. She scanned through the brands, sizes, and varieties as quickly as possible. Redder than ever, really closer to a bright purple, Ami asked, "Mom, are there any besides these?"
Noriko looked puzzled. "Couldn't you find at least one kind that was okay?" Jeez, there were dozens of them. "I've always liked the ones with he little bumps on them, myself, but that's up to you."
Ami's eyes bulged. "Mom!" she shrieked in a whisper. What had she done to deserve this?
Her mother patted her arm gently. "Now that you're all grown up, we can talk about things like that. So, what is it going to be?"
Ami looked the wall over again and said, "There aren't any that will fit Ranma." Noriko had to lean close to her daughter to hear the barely whispered words.
Now it was Noriko's turn to blush. "Well, I've always heard that it's not the size that counts, but how you use it," she said awkwardly. Poor girl. Maybe they could stop by that sex shop down the street… No, it'd gotten blown up a couple days earlier.
Ami looked at her mother like she was crazy. "No, Mom, all of these are too small." Ami just wanted to crawl into a hole and die.
Noriko's blush deepened. She reached out and pulled the largest size available from the wall. "Certainly he isn't bigger…" Ami nodded. The silence stretched for almost a minute. Finally, Noriko said, "They do stretch quite a bit."
Ami nodded, now almost blue in the face. "They don't stretch that much," she told her mother.
Noriko replaced the package and said, "Ami, honey, walk to the end of the aisle then back again, okay?"
Ami shrugged. This was all just too weird. She walked to the end of the aisle, like her mother had asked, then returned. She couldn't help the confused expression she gave her mother on the way back.
Ami didn't appear to be bowlegged, and she wasn't limping noticeably. "You win, Ami. Just make sure to be extra careful with that spell."
Ami nodded in relief, feeling euphoric because of all the blood in her head.
Shampoo and Mousse, now both in human form, stood atop the high-rise office building, surveying the open night sky that was brightly lit by the lights of Tokyo. Neither of them had ever imagined such a sight, and within their hearts, they were sad that soon all of this wonder would be gone, dead or destroyed by the Jusendo Alliance. Though neither one of them mentioned it to the other, they would each cherish the memory until their dying day (enough sappy shit).
"If the Orb is correct, Ranma should be in that building somewhere," Mousse said, breaking the long, drawn-out silence that had grown between the pair. The Orb was literally pointing at Ranma with a glowing finger of light. No matter what direction they turned, it continued to point towards that building.
Shampoo nodded. "Yes, but the Orb does not tell us where, and the structure is enormous. We could not possibly search for him without alerting the inhabitants. It would be far wiser to wait for him to come to us." The perch they had chosen looked directly down to the entrance of Ranma's home. He would have to leave eventually.
"I agree. I'll take first watch while you get some rest. I'll wake you in a few hours," replied Mousse. Shampoo agreed and went to where they had set up their bedrolls. Mousse had no intention of waking his beloved. She needed her sleep more than he did. He would watch over her in this foreign and wonderful city, and make sure that no harm came to the young warrior woman.
I started to get a little tired a couple hours after catching Setsuna. I altered the barrier spell so that it would periodically refresh the enormous Senshi's air, and placed her in front of the wide screen TV she had so generously provided so many months earlier. I turned that TV to the raunchiest porno I could find, a really nasty one with a woman screwing dogs. "Have fun," I told Setsuna.
I was about to step through the doorway into my room when an image of a beautiful silver-haired woman, dressed in a black body-suit/armor ensemble appeared in the air before me. It was an illusion, I knew, or the wards and my senses would have alerted me. If Ami and I hadn't been an item, I could easily see myself going after this one.
"That's not really much of a punishment for her," the illusion commented. "When we were younger, she used to sneak off with father's hounds every chance she got." The woman grinned evilly and attempted to look over my shoulder at the imprisoned Senshi.
"I'll go find something else, then. After I find out who you are?" If she was even remotely who her clues hinted at, Setsuna even had problems not pissing her family off. Hmm, maybe that's why the Senshi of Time doesn't get along with people very well. She's into dogs. Heh, I know a few canine demons I could introduce her to that she would just love.
"Katya Meiou, Sailor Pluto, Senshi of Space, and older sister of Setsuna Meiou. And you would be Ranma. Setsy has told me about you. Thankfully, for both of us, I like to make my own judgments about people." It was obvious who got all the manners, brains, and pretty much everything else worth having in this family.
"So, you don't plan on doing anything stupid, like trying to kill me?" I asked. If this Katya's power was actual Space manipulation like Setsuna's was Time, then I felt much safer around her. True, I can't create my own spatial pocket, and I'm still working on that teleportation spell, but as far as offensive and defensive uses of spatial manipulation, I'm much better than average.
Katya shook her head. "No, I just came to ask for my sister. She's suffering from a bit of a psychotic episode, I fear, and I need to get her some treatment before the condition becomes permanent. Not that she is really worth the effort, but you wouldn't believe how tedious it is to find a replacement temporal mage. Just between you and me, the last time Setsuna had to take a century off, she was raising a litter of human/Plutonian Hunting Hound hybrid puppies."
I had to lean against the wall so I wouldn't fall over, so hard was I laughing. Oh, wow, that was so, so good! "Are you serious?" I asked. Setsuna may be bad, but that last one seemed a little below even her standards.
Katya nodded. "Oh, yes, quite serious. It caused the biggest scandal throughout the kingdom. Pluto was even attacked by a militant animal-rights organization. They said she had taken advantage of the hounds."
This was a Sailor Pluto I could get along with.
Along with thirty experienced Amazon warriors, Cologne journeyed to Jusenkyou. No one in their right mind would fully trust Saffron, and the Amazons were making as many contingencies as they could. Today they would be gathering as much water from the more valuable pools as safely possible, especially the pools that gave extraordinary abilities to their victims. Some of the water would be boiled down and processed by the village sorceresses, creating the temporary curses, but much of it would be placed within sealed urns where it would not lose its potency.
Plans had been made to continue doing this right up until the end of the coming war. That way, a sizable stockpile of the mystical water would be in Amazon hands in both South America and Africa in case they either needed it to help fight off attacks by the Musk or Phoenix People, or if they were denied further access to their home valley.
"I want double loads of the giant prehistoric sea turtle water." No one knew how a turtle the size of their main village had ever managed to drown in a pool large enough to hop across, but no one really cared either. They would change the marker to that spring and gather as much of it on each trip as possible. There would be no ocean transportation more advanced than a sailboat once Saffron's artifact was activated, and the Amazons needed to be able to communicate quickly and efficiently between their promised continents when the time came.
As Cologne supervised the work effort, she mentally sought out the pool of drowned girl. This part of the plan was an absolute secret, but the elders had decided, quite unanimously, that they would be able to better lead their forces if they were in younger, more resilient bodies. Herb had already promised the use of the locking kettle, though he didn't know what the Amazons planned for it. It would be good to be young again. Maybe she could even get Ranma into the sack. Shampoo sure had enjoyed the experience.
When she found the pool in question, she formed a chi image of herself and left it in her place as she sprinted for the pool. She returned, a sack of cursed, or blessed water, depending on how you look at it, hidden within her robe before the image had even begun to fray.
That night, the combined Council of Elders for the entire Amazon nation threw a slumber party. They brought their favorite young men from the surrounding villages and had their way with them all night, repeatedly.
"There he is!" Shampoo exclaimed happily. She pointed over the side of the building. Mousse followed the gesture and sure enough, there was Ranma, walking out of the entrance to his apartment building.
Shampoo wasn't very happy with Mousse; it had been her duty to keep watch, too, but she gave him a little hug of gratitude nonetheless. She would have been asleep then if Mousse had obeyed her order.
"Hurry, Mousse," Shampoo said as she leapt over the side of the building. It was only about ten stories above the pavement, something she could possibly have handled without assistance, but using Ranma's sword to call up an updraft left that question unanswered. She slowly floated to the sidewalk, unseen by the few pedestrians in the street, and closely observed by Ranma.
Mousse settled to the ground beside her, a length of chain he had used as a rappelling line disappearing back into his robes.
"Shampoo, Mousse, what are you two doing here?" Ranma asked in Japanese.
"Shampoo, Mousse, what are you two doing here?" I asked, grinning at the pair of Amazons. Shampoo had handled the sword with ease and skill. I'd sorta traded it to the Amazons for instruction in their advanced martial arts techniques. I'd gotten the better of the deal, in my opinion. What is one little enchanted sword when compared to the physical conditioning and chi focus I had gained in return? Not much.
Shampoo rushed forward and threw her arms around me, kissing me soundly on the mouth with lots of aggressive tongue action. When she pulled away, she said in her native dialect of Chinese, /I'm glad to see that you're well, Ranma./
Mousse stepped forward and extended his hand, I accepted it and the Amazon said, "It has been too long."
I exchanged greetings then asked, "Not that I'm not glad to see you two, but why are you here? A journey all the way from Jusendo is no small undertaking." I could already tell that something major was up. The Elders would never have let these two, the most promising young Amazon warriors in the entire tribe, travel all the way to Japan to see me unless the matter was urgent.
"Perhaps somewhere more private would be best," suggested Mousse. Once I'd fixed this guy's eyes, he'd really gotten his head on straight. Of course I may have accidentally fixed that too. I've refined my healing spells a lot since then.
I led the Amazons back to my apartment. This was important. Katya could keep the Senshi entertained for a while. Shit, how am I going to explain Shampoo to Ami? Sigh. I'll think of something.
Once they were seated, Shampoo said, /Ranma, we need you back home, badly./ My Chinese isn't bad, but it isn't anything special either.
I held up my hand and said, "Sorry, Shampoo, but could Mousse explain? If this is important, it'd be better for me to precisely understand the situation." She didn't look like she liked the idea; she was an Amazon female being told what to do by me, a guy.
"Ranma, Jusendo is about to go to war with the world. Lord Saffron, a living phoenix and leader of the Phoenix People, has negotiated an alliance between himself, Prince Herb of the Musk Dynasty, and the Council of Elders. He has in his possession a magical artifact that will render all modern technology and weaponry completely useless. We were sent to invite you to return to the village with us and to use your power to aide us in the coming struggle. The main reason, though, is that the Elders fear that Saffron and the Musk will turn on us when the war is over. Your abilities as a sorcerer would prove invaluable to the tribe, especially in crafting weapons of power for our warriors to use," Mousse finished, taking a deep breath.
What can you say when you've just been invited to participate firsthand in World War III? The idea was appealing. Very, very appealing. With Demon and the other pokémon, maybe a few powerful demons, and the Sailor Senshi, we could pull the rug right out from under this Saffron guy. Yeah, that would be good, kinda like liberators of the world. That way, Usagi could come into power as the new ruler of Earth, like Ami had said she was supposed to, with the public's consent.
"Saffron, you say he is an actual 'phoenix'?" I asked to stall for time while I thought. Setsuna certainly wouldn't like it if the Senshi and I took this little shortcut to global power, making all her plans for Crystal Tokyo useless. The world would be in absolute chaos if technology just stopped working, and I, for one, don't want to be on the losing side of a battle just as civilization slips back into the dark ages.
"Saffron is a phoenix, like those of legend. I saw him working out once. He turned a large mountain into slag in less than a minute," Mousse answered, his voice edged with fear. I nodded to that. This Saffron sounded like an overgrown fire elemental. Well, I could handle that easily enough.
I remained silent, sending urgent thoughts across my bond to Ami. With luck, she would pick them up and mention it to Katya. The spatial mage would be able to teleport the girls to my apartment and save me the trip to them and back. Once I was sure I had sent as strong a message as possible, I said, "I just invited some friends of mine, powerful sorceresses actually, to join us. They all have powerful friends themselves and I would rather they fight with us than against us."
Mousse nodded, realizing that I had all but agreed to join them, then translated to Shampoo what I had said in case she hadn't understood it all.
In my best Chinese, I said, /Shampoo, one of girls coming here my fiancée. I love very much. You understand what happened between us was only one time thing?/ Shampoo nodded glumly. /Cheer up. If they join us, Amazons be unstoppable./ That did seem to brighten the girl's mood a bit.
A few seconds later, a hole in space opened up in my ceiling and five Senshi, all in full battle armor, along with Katya in her original uniform, floated to the floor. They were ready to fight, with energy blades drawn and fully primed spells ready. Ami in particular had a nasty one ready, a modified ice flame that burnt the heat from someone's body, leaving them as living statues of ice.
Before Shampoo or Mousse could get vaporized, I stood up and waved the Senshi off. "Sorry about that, guys. I didn't mean to worry you." They re-sheathed their swords and all the spells except for Ami's went dead. I looked at her and grinned and she, too, killed her spell. "These are friends of mine. Mousse, Shampoo, meet the Sailor Senshi, my students."
The Amazons waved in a kind of numb shock.
Ami stomped over to me and began beating me over the head with a lamp. "Don't you ever do that again unless you're in major, major trouble, you hear me, mister?!" she shouted. "I was worried sick!" The power of guilt is considerable. Nervously, aware that I was being stared at angrily by lots of powerful sorceresses, I reached out and pulled Ami into a hug. She collapsed against me and started crying. Damn it, extreme guilt is even worse. I bent down and whispered all kinds of assurances and promises in her ear. Finally, when she was calm and merely clinging to me, I relaxed and began to rub my aching head. That lamp had been one of those new age solid-steel deals with the sharp edges.
Katya, trying to snap us out of an embarrassing scene, asked, "Ranma, if you're not in trouble, why did you call so urgently?" Katya and I were going to get along really well.
I grinned lopsidedly at her and the Senshi. "Who wants to help take over the world?" I asked. 3… 2… 1… !!!!!
I wasn't disappointed. "WHAT?!?!" The exclamation came from all the Senshi, including Ami, who was pressed against my chest, and Katya, who I had thought was too grounded to react so strongly. Three of the windows in my apartment exploded.
To be continued.
Author's Notes: How will the Senshi react to Ranma's question? Will Rei remember her pet fire elemental Saffy-chan from the Silver Millennium? Just what did Ranma promise Ami to get her calm? These questions may be answered in the next chapter, but they may not. Ah, screw it; yes, they will be answered. I'm not good at being suspenseful or dramatic so I shouldn't even try. C&C me at email@example.com
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