(Yes, it can get worse)
Ranma ½ vignettes
by D.B. Sommer
Disclaimer: Ranma ½ and its characters and settings belong to Rumiko Takahashi, Shogakukan, Kitty, and Viz Video.
All comments and criticisms appreciated. You can contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org
Author’s notes: Two of these are naughty enough to be at least rate heavy lime, so be forewarned.
The (quite justifiably) outtakes:
[Ryouga and the Wish Doll: Take 2]
And then Ryouga had it. Something he had always been dissatisfied about and could not change no matter what he did. When he went to public baths, he had always received stares and had snide comments made about him. And the worst part was, they were all true. In order to change it, magic would be the only way. Considering what it was, if something went wrong with the wish, he might end up doomed, but it was a chance he had to take. And if it worked, it might even help him with the confidence problems he had when it came to girls.
“I wish I was big!” Ryouga boldly proclaimed to the doll.
“Granted,” the little doll waved his hand and a bolt of lighting came through the roof of the building, striking Ryouga.
Ranma turned in surprise at the sound of the bolt hitting Ryouga. As the smoke from the charring attack cleared, Ranma was at last able to see the lost boy clearly.
“Oh my god, Ryouga. You’ve gotta be at least thirty years old now. And for some odd reason, you look suspiciously like Tom Hanks.”
“Shut up, Ranma.” Next time Ryouga was definitely going to be more specific concerning his wish.
[Yet Another Bad Disguise Idea: Take 8]
B.J. leaped effortlessly over a display case, temporarily out of the sight of the seven martial artists pursuing her, who seemed inexplicably intent on inflicting grievous harm upon her. As she landed on the other side, she found herself confronted by a young man wielding a bokken. No doubt an ally of the others.
The other seven martial artists made it to the other side of the display case and found themselves looking upon two Kunous, identical to each other right down to their bokken.
“What a clever kunoichi,” one of the Kunous said. “Now that she’s disguised herself as me, she is effectively protected from further harm.”
“And how do you figure that?” Ranma asked.
The other Kunou postured. “You dare not attack, for if you do, you might strike the wrong me.”
“Truly that other me has raised a good point,” the first Kunou said. “And now that I look at him, I realize that I am even more handsome and charming than I had been led to believe. It is no wonder Akane Tendou and the pig-tailed girl are so infatuated with me.”
“I think I figured out which one the real Kunou is,” Ranma said as he cracked his knuckles. “Luckily, it really doesn’t matter if I’m right or not, does it guys?”
A simultaneous grin split the faces of the six other martial artists in the room. A moment later, two Kunous found themselves the recipients of a beating full of excessive, senseless violence. As B.J. found herself set upon, she thought that not only were they actually hitting her worse than they had before, but they definitely seemed a lot happier than when they had first attacked her.
[Happily Ever After: Take 5]
The jangling sound of the bell indicated that someone had entered the Nekohanten. Cologne turned her gaze from the account ledgers to see who had entered. Her eyebrows shot up slightly: a sign of tremendous surprise from her. “Hello, Mousse. You look a little different today.”
“It’s probably my hair. I just had it permed. Do you like it?”
Cologne looked the Amazon’s hair over. “It does indeed suit you, but I don’t think that’s it.”
“Perhaps it is the new, tasteful additions I’ve added to my usually drab robes. You’ll note the aquamarine sash around my waist and the leather I’ve had sewn on to the shoulders of my outfit.”
Cologne considered that. “I have to admit, your taste in clothing has improved, but that’s not it either.”
The Amazon shrugged. “I don’t know what it could possibly be, then.”
“I think it’s probably the breasts.”
Mousse-chan thumped her fist into an open palm. “Oh, right. I forgot about those. They aren’t all that big, and really don’t get in my way too much. Well, now that that’s settled…”
As Mousse-chan tried to go upstairs to her room, Cologne blocked her passage with her staff. “I assume there is some reason why you’ve doused yourself with Nyanniichuan, the instant variety, I hope.”
“Of course there is.” And Mousse-chan told her why.
Shampoo was listening to a KD Lang CD with her headphones on when the door to her room burst open. A vicious scolding towards Mousse died on her lips when she saw that it was actually her own great grandmother that had barged into her room. She was stunned by the look of anger on the little woman’s features. “Great Grandmother, what wrong?”
“Don’t you play dumb with me!” The elder leveled an accusatory finger towards her great-granddaughter. “Mousse has told me everything.”
Shampoo looked past the little old woman to see another woman with blonde hair, permed quite nicely, and wearing a tasteful set of white robes with leather and a sash. Only the bottle-thick glasses told her who the girl really was. “What did stupid duck boy, Shampoo mean girl, mess up now?”
“He has not messed anything up,” Cologne stated in a flat voice. “Mousse told me all that transpired during the fight. I should have realized this long before now. I must be getting senile in my old age.”
“Great-grandmoth—“ Shampoo started to protest, but was cut off by a warning finger from Cologne.
“Don’t you ‘Great-grandmother’ me. All the signs were there, but I refused to see them. Perhaps it was nothing more than denial”
Shampoo’s gaze narrowed towards Mousse-chan as she had a bad feeling of what her great grandmother was referring to. “What signs?”
“The obvious ones. The desire to work on the neighbors cars whenever they have mechanical problems.”
“Wait, Great-Grandmother. This joke has already been done before.”
“Not with me in the scene, it hasn’t!” Cologne bopped Shampoo on the head with her staff.
“Fine, fine,” Shampoo mumbled as she rubbed her head. It took her a moment to remember where she had left off. “Oh yes, Shampoo only work on cars to be neighborly.”
“And the desire to get your hair cut short.”
“But that make it easier to take care of. And Shampoo think Ranma likes girls with short hair.”
“What about the Playboy magazines you have hidden under your bed?”
“Shampoo only get those for the articles.”
“And those pictures of Ranma you bought off Nabiki Tendou?”
“What wrong with buying pictures of Airen?”
“They were all of his girl’s side, and in most provocative poses as well.”
“They were all Nabiki had to offer.”
“Enough!” Cologne roared. “I know what kind of a sexual deviant you are. I will not tolerate that sort of behavior in this house. Leave, now.”
“No buts. Out” Cologne ordered, and Shampoo realized she was serious this time. Once the elder put her foot down, there was no going back. Shampoo grabbed a few of her belongings and headed out.
Cologne gave a sigh as she watched Shampoo’s form disappear down the street. “I can’t imagine where I went wrong with that child.” She looked at Mousse-chan, who did not seem particularly dismayed by what had just happened. In fact, he seemed to be going through Shampoo’s clothing she left behind in her wardrobe. “What are you doing?”
Mousse-chan held up one of Shampoo’s pink and yellow outfits. “You know, I think if I tucked in the chest a bit, I’d look very pretty in this. Even better than my new wardrobe. What do you think?”
Cologne considered that. The near-blind bo, err, girl, was probably right. This had the potential to be fun. She hadn’t played dress up in years, and Mousse-chan would make the perfect ‘doll.’ Cologne practically felt like a young girl again.
Shampoo walked down the street, wandering aimlessly at first, before deciding where to go. It was time to call on Ranma’s generosity and try to get a room with the Tendous. She could make further plans after that.
As Shampoo approached the Tendou house, she saw someone sitting on a suitcase just outside the front gate of the grounds. As Shampoo got closer, she could see it was Akane, who was staring forlornly at her home. “What wrong, Akane?”
Akane gave Shampoo a depressed look. “Ranma told Dad what happened at the fight and now he thinks I’m a lesbian. He threw me out of the house.”
“Oh. The same thing happened to Shampoo.” she said in sympathy.
“Too bad. Life just plain sucks sometimes,” Akane agreed. She stared at the dojo, and then looked Shampoo up and down once. Shrugging her shoulders, she said, “Wanna fuck?”
“Only if Akane paying for hotel room.”
“My, my, my. Someone sure is being snobbish today.”
“Shampoo just no want Akane to think she a cheap date.”
Akane agreed to the terms and the two went off to look for a hotel room to get a little hot sex in before lunch.
[Happily Ever After: ‘Lime’: Take 4]
Tai slowly eased herself down on Ryouga. As she got all of him in her again, she started to sigh. This was more like it. Now she coul—
“What the hell!” Tai shouted as she paused in her action and felt an all too familiar sensation. “You did it again, didn’t you?”
“I’m sorry,” Ryouga blubbered from his position below Mai.
“Don’t give me that. You didn’t last even thirty seconds this time.”
“But you got me all excited. It’s hard to relax when you do that stuff.”
“True, but that’s the third time in a row you couldn’t hold back. Let’s try it again. And this time I’m going to damn well tie it off if that’s what it takes to keep you from letting go prematurely.”
As Tai tried to restore his flagging interest again, Ryouga felt like breaking down into tears. It just wasn’t fair. Truly it was a cursed wish. He was probably worse off then before, or at least just as humiliated. What difference did it make if he was hung like a bull if he had no staying power?
[Happily Ever After: ‘Dinnertime’: Take 5]
“I’ve finally made a choice. I can’t marry any of the three of you.”
Akane, Kodachi, and Ukyou looked at Ranma in disbelief, then in anger. “And just what brought this sudden decision on?!” Akane snapped.
“Oh, I don’t know. It could be that three of you are now six feet tall, weigh about three hundred pounds, have green scaly flesh, glowing eyes, and sharp teeth.”
“It’s just that time of the month for us,” Kodachi explained.
“Liar,” Ranma said. “You look like some kind of cannibalistic humanoid underground dweller.”
“You’re just looking for an excuse to dump us,” Ukyou replied. “Now you’re probably going to try running off with Shampoo.”
“You guys ate her!”
“Oh, right,” Ukyou said sheepishly.
“It was an accident,” Akane quickly explained.
“And just how do you accidentally devour somebody?” Ranma asked.
“It’s easier than you think,” Akane assured him.
“Right,” Ukyou said. “Just look at what happened to me. When I knocked on the door, Kasumi answered it. The next thing I know, she’s down my gullet and I’m choking on a hair-ribbon. I barely had time to blink. It’s funny how things like that just happen.”
Ranma just shook his head sadly. “Anyway, ever since I met Kaori Daikoku during that martial arts take-out race, we stayed in touch as pen pals. Kind of like ‘Special Delivery’, except it’s with Kaori instead of Kasumi. I’m going to marry her. She’s wealthy, good looking, and isn’t anywhere near as screwed up as the rest of yo… Hey! Why are you throwing salt on me?” Ranma shouted at Kodachi.
“It’s for luck,” Kodachi assured him as she then proceeded to dump a whole bottle of soy sauce over his head, “Something to help you travel smoothly to where you are going.”
“Well, I guess I can understand your decision, Ranchan,” Ukyou said as she pushed a plate of heaping okonomiyaki towards him.
“What’s this?” Ranma asked suspiciously.
“Just something to fatten you… I mean, to show there’s no hard feelings,” Ukyou quickly corrected.
“One last meal together for the road,” Akane said.
Ranma watched as the girls began affixing bibs around their necks and pulled out several sets of chopsticks. “Fine. One last meal, then I’ll be out of your lives forever.”
“I couldn’t have said it better myself,” Akane said, smiling “I’m sure you’ll be completely out of our system in several hours.”
[Startling Revelations: Take 2]
It took Mai a moment to remember that she was supposed to be Konatsu. She turned, seeing a look of trepidation on Ukyou’s face. Mai cocked her head curiously in response.
There was turmoil in Ukyou’s voice as she saw she had the kunoichi’s attention and continued. “I’ve been thinking lately about my relationship with Ranchan. Thinking a lot actually, and I’ve come to a conclusion. I’ve always thought Ranchan, I mean Ranma, really loved me most of all. I mean, I knew him first, and I was engaged to him first. He even called me the cute fiancée after he was engaged to Akane. But sometimes it almost seems as though he doesn’t always think of me first and foremost. Sometimes he’s downright inconsiderate of my feelings, not that he’s the most sensitive guy in the world, but sometimes he’s just plain callous.
“And then I realized there was someone else in my life who was so much better. Someone who was steadfast and loyal, who never complained and always looked out for my well-being. Someone who would look at me worriedly when I was depressed and would try to cheer me up. Someone who, though messed up in the head, was actually considerate of the person I am instead of what they want me to be. And most importantly of all, someone who would never try to wear my clothes and look better than me in them.”
Mai nodded her head; that was what she looked for in a guy too.
“And that someone is you,” With that declaration Ukyou grabbed Mai’s head and kissed her through the ninja mask. After a moment, Ukyou broke off the kiss, and then spat out the lint she had picked up in trying to tongue the kunoichi through her mask. “What do you have to say to that?”
“AHHHH!” Mai screamed as she ran off as fast as she could away from Ukyou.
Ukyou watched the kunoichi's form dwindle away to almost nothing. Something strange was going on here. The sound of Kodachi emerging from the restroom caught Ukyou’s attention. She turned to the gymnast. “Is it normal for guys to scream and run away when you kiss them?”
“Happens to me all the time,” Kodachi assured her. “Men just like playing hard to get.”
“That’s what I thought,” Ukyou said as she sighed in relief.
[Final Battle: Take 3]
Konatsu and Ranma faced off against one another. Ukyou and Akane looked on in irritation.
“I don’t see why the two of you have to have this duel,” Akane complained.
“It’s a guy thing.” Ranma took a moment to consider his opponent. “All right, it’s a guy versus cross-dresser thing. You just wouldn’t understand.”
“We have to find out who’s truly the better martial artist,” Konatsu said softly, but with a hint of steel in his voice.
The two stood apart from one another with about six feet in-between them.
“Begin!” Ukyou said as she lowered her hand, as though it were the start of a race.
Ranma tensed up as Konatsu pointed to the sky and said, “Look out! It’s a falling Dojo Destroyer!”
Ranma was about to lunge forward when he remembered what had happened the last time Konatsu had told him there was a falling Dojo Destroyer. Ranma was about to look up, when he remembered what happened the first time he looked up and Konatsu had hit him. Now Ranma was at an impasse. If he looked up and there was nothing there and Konatsu hit him, he would look like a bigger idiot than Kunou. But if he didn’t look up and a Dojo Destroyer fell on him, he would also look like a bigger idiot than Kunou.
Over and over Ranma’s mind raced with how to not look like an idiot in front of the girls. Locked in a mental Mobius loop, it became too much for Ranma to take as he clutched his head and gave a shout of pain before falling to the ground, unconscious.
Konatsu allowed himself a smirk at Ranma’s prone form. “I knew that from what you learned during our last lesson that you would find yourself at an impasse in trying to decided what was going to happen and how to not look like an idiot. Likewise I knew your mind wasn’t up to the task and that you would seize up and fall to the ground, unconscious. I have won without throwing a punch. Truly I am a sneaky ninja. Hahah—“
A Dojo Destroyer landed on Konatsu.
Ukyou and Akane shook their head in pity. Ukyou said, “Since both Ranchan and Konatsu are unconscious, that means…”
“… It’s a draw on the basis of mutual stupidity,” Akane finished.
[Carbon Copies: Take 10]
Copycat Ken squared off against his opponent. She seemed dangerous, with her ninjalike abilities. He hoped he wouldn’t have to impersonate her though. Lord, she had no sense of style in clothing. Who wore banana yellow, bright purple, and cherry red on their kunoichi outfit? Perhaps she was color-blind.
Twirling his magic handkerchief, Copycat Ken turned himself into an exact copy of Ryouga. “Ha, you’ll never be able to compete against my awesome strength. Better give up yowhat?!” For the first time in his life, Copycat Ken found himself completely dumbfounded and at a loss.
He was staring right across from himself.
“Don’t do that!” Copycat A whined.
“Do what?” Copycat B asked.
“Look like me. It’s disturbing.”
“But I’m Copycat Ken, not you.”
“Oh? Look at yourself. Who looks like Copycat Ken now?”
Copycat Ken did look himself over. “Hey, just because I look like Ryouga doesn’t mean I am Ryouga. Watch.” He twirled the handkerchief around again and became Copycat Ken.
“Hey, quit impersonating me,” Copycat Ken complained.
“I’m not impersonating me. I am me.”
“And what does that make me?”
“But if you’re not me, then who are you?”
“I… I… I AHHHH!” It was too much for one of the Copycat Ken’s to take. No wonder everyone hated him. Finding someone impersonating you was really annoying. “I give up, all right?! I’ll never copy anyone ever again!” To prove his point. Copycat Ken burned a handkerchief.
“Heh, heh, heh. I knew I would win. Heh, heh, he…” All of a sudden the remaining Copycat Ken wasn’t so sure he wasn’t the real Copycat Ken, or B.J. Hashimoto either. “Are you sure you were the real Copycat Ken?”
“Ah, not really,” the other one replied.
The other Copycat Ken began to sweatdrop. “Say, is it just me, or are we seriously screwed now?”
“I’m afraid I’d have to agree. Who am I again?”
It would be a question that plagued the duo for years to come.
Author's notes: Luckily, that’s all.
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