A Neon Genesis Evangelion spamfic
by D.B. Sommer
Disclaimer: Neon Genesis Evangelion belongs to GAINAX/Project Eva, TV Tokyo, NAS.
Yep. It’s adfic time again.
Any comments (but more likely flames) can be sent to email@example.com
(Scene opens up with Asuka lying in bed. She wakes up with the morning sun. Getting up, she goes to the window of her bedroom and stares blissfully at the birds singing in the trees. Sighing happily, she holds out a finger. A bird flies over and lands on it as though it was a perch.)
Asuka: (patting it on the head) Good morning, little birdy. I hope you have a pleasant day today.
(The bird flies off. Sighing again, Asuka throws on a bathrobe and heads out into the kitchen. Seated at the kitchen table, eating a bowl of cereal, is Shinji. Misato is nowhere to be found.)
Asuka: (Still blissfully happy) Good morning, Shinji-kun. Where’s Misato this morning?
Shinji: She had to go to work early.
Asuka: I hope it’s nothing important. She works so hard as it is, she really needs a break. (Asuka walks over to the cupboard over the sink and opens it up. She begins searching for something) Shinji, where’s the ‘Überbitch’?
(Shinji reflexively looks at the garbage disposal, where there are a few coffee grounds laying next to the opening.)
Shinji: Ah, we ran out. Sorry.
Asuka: (smiling as blissfully as ever.) Don’t you worry your handsome little head about it. (Pulls a packet from out of a pocket of her bathrobe) I have an extra packet for just such emergencies.
Shinji: (looking panicked) But Asuka, they say coffee is bad for your health. Maybe you should try some of Misato’s beer instead. Nothing like a ‘Lushweiser’ to get you started in the morning.
Asuka: Don’t be silly, Shinji. You know I’m just not myself until I get a warm cup of Überbitch to start my day.
(Asuka begins making the coffee. As the moments tick by, Shinji becomes increasingly miserable, watching the coffee slowly bubble until it’s ready. He watches in misery as Asuka pours herself a cup, then drinks the whole thing in one gulp. Shinji is about to get up and scurry away when Asuka slams the cup down, shattering the ceramic. Veins are popping out of her forehead as she shoots Shinji a look of pure rage)
Asuka: Baka Shinji! How dare you let us run out of Überbitch! Go out and get me some right now!
Shinji: But I have to go to school.
Asuka: Baka Shinji! Pleasing me is more important than furthering your education! Now get going!
Shinji: (Cringing) I’m sorry. I’ll go get it for you right now. (Shinji bolts out the door as though the legions of hell were hot on his tail)
Asuka: (grinning arrogantly) I think it’s time to go show everyone how inferior they are to me. And then I’ll harass Toji and put down Wondergirl. Everyone is pond scum compared to the greatness that is me. Muhahahaha!
Announcer: (In an announcer’s voice) Yes, that’s right. When you need to eradicate useless feelings of humility, humbleness, and empathy, and really want to stick it to everyone around, you need ‘Überbitch’ brand coffee. One cup will get rid all those unnecessary feelings in seconds, and make everyone around you want to kill you as well. Nothing comes close to Überbitch for pure potency. And also try our new ‘Heartless Bastard’ brand iced tea, guaranteed to kill any conscience you might have.
Gendou: (Looking completely burned out) I know when I have to look forward to a day of acting like an unfeeling monster to everyone and everything around me, I need a cold Heartless Bastard to get me going. (Takes a drink of his cold Heartless Bastard. After a moment, straightens up and steeples his fingers) That’s more like it. Fuyutsuki, I believe it’s time to have Kaji killed. Aside from refusing to kowtow and act intimidated by me, he’s making Major Katsuragi happy, and you know how I feel about my subordinates being happy. Remind me to give Shinji several cold stares as well.
Fuyutsuki: (putting down his bottle of ‘Uncharismatic Flunky’ bottled water.) Of course, Ikari.
Announcer: Remember, that’s Überbitch, Heartless Bastard, and Uncharismatic Flunky brand drinks. All of them brought to you by SEELE., who’re just trying to make the world a better place… by getting rid of everyone.
Author's notes: Yep, that’s all.
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