A Sailor Moon spamfic
by D.B. Sommer
Disclaimer: Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon belongs to Takeuchi Naoko, Koudansha, TV Asahi, and Toei Douga, and DIC.
All comments and criticisms appreciated. You can contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org
Author's notes: Oh, I know. There is no excuse for this one.
Usagi ran for her life through the night shrouded woods, visions of the Blair Witch Project not running through her mind since she had not seen the movie. And even if she had, she would have simply complained about how the camera action was choppy, the plot was hard to understand, and how could you be scared about a bad guy you never even get to see? Besides, the idea of Chibi-Usa as her daughter had shown her the true face of terror, and only the one stalking her could cause that sort of fear for her anymore.
Branches and thorns racked across her skin as she crashed through the underbrush, praying for escape. Behind her there was the sound of the hunter moving just as quickly as her, hot on her tail, somehow following her path even through the near pitch-blackness. How could he keep up with her? He was inhuman.
He had been chasing her since Juuban, showing her that nowhere was safe. Not Nerima. Not Yokohama. Not even in El Hazard. Wherever she turned, he was there, pursuing her, stalking her. She had tried all of her attacks: Tiara Action, Healing Escalation, Rainbow Moon Heartache, even the bitch slapping technique Sailor Hellblazer had taught her. All were to no avail; none of them had any lasting effect. Oh, sure, she could stun him (especially with the bitch slap), but it would only last for a few moments before he would shake off the effects of the blast and come right after her again, as though nothing had happened. Metallia. Wiseman. DDFA. None of them had proven this invincible. None of them had the unique… abilities… the hunter seemed to possess.
He wasn't part of the Dark Kingdom; she was certain of that. He was some other kind of monster, even if he didn't look all that monstrous. Well, actually he looked kind of silly with his pudgy body, bald head, and ridiculous looking hunter's outfit with matching deerstalker cap. But the shotgun he lugged around made him more dangerous than anyone she had ever faced. Besides, there was something disturbing about being assaulted with conventional weaponry when compared to all the bizarre attacks she had suffered under the countless Youmas that she had fought for what seemed her entire life. Luckily, his marksmanship was remarkably poor, though he never seemed to reload the gun. Fifty rapid-fire blasts from a double-barreled shotgun seemed a bit strange, even to Usagi Tsukino. Maybe the guy was from Los Angeles.
Usagi tripped over an exposed root, causing her to fall to the ground. The impact winded her, similar to that one time Rei had gotten really pissed and slugged Usagi in the gut. Sure, afterwards Rei had apologized and told Usagi to hit her back, but she had not wanted to do it. Usagi understood that sometimes people lost their tempers and did things they later regretted, but Rei would not hear of it and insisted. So Usagi complied and struck Rei in the head, chest, and legs with a baseball bat. And then afterwards Rei had the nerve to complain about it, the bitch. It wasn't like she had used a metal bat or something.
"Ah, ha. I have caught you napping."
Usagi rolled up to a sitting position and found herself looking down the barrel of the gun. She knew it was over. Her life flashed before her eyes. It contained all of the snacks she had eaten. All of the naps she had taken in class. The dreams she had of throwing Chibi-Usa into a tree shredder. Getting drunk and having Luna neutered. That time Haruka and Michiru had stripped her naked and covered her in chocolate syrup and the things they had done afterward. Oh sure, the duo had claimed it was all for a television spot for an ice cream company, and they had indeed taped the whole thing, but Usagi had never seen that advertisement run on any television show she had been watching.
"Are you finished with your wife passing before your eyes? I weally want to shoot you now."
"But why?" Usagi wailed, her tears flowing in Soun-like buckets. "I'm so young. I haven't done anything bad. I still have to lead the world with my Utopia-like society in the future."
"You're supposed to wead a Utopia in the futuh, to be the sawvation of mankind?"
The hunter clicked the hammer back on his shotgun. "Then I'm weally doing the world a favor. Huhuhuhuh."
"You still haven't said why you want to kill me?" Usagi wailed again.
"Because its wabbit season," the hunter replied, drawing a bead on Usagi again.
"But I'm not a rabbit," Usagi pointed out.
"What's youwa name?"
"What's that twanswate to?"
Usagi had to think on that one. "Umm. Hold on. I know this one. Umm, rabbit?" It took a moment, and then the light popped on. Usagi began wailing once more. "Waaa! It's open season on me!"
"Say your pwayahs, wabbit," the hunter clicked the hammer on the gun again, even though he had already done so earlier. It was just so dramatic he couldn't resist.
It was as the hunter was about to pull back on the trigger that Usagi tired one last thing that might save her life. Under the circumstances, it was the only thing she could think of, and considering how silly all of her attacks were, it could hardly be considered far fetched.
She jammed her fingers in the gun barrels. Usagi was rewarded as the force of the bullets, rather than blowing her fingers off, blew up the gun and caused a back blast to go up the barrel and strike the hunter in the face. As the smoke cleared, she saw that with the hunter's face was now singed black from the blow. She had won.
A moment later, Elmer Fudd fell over, barely conscious as he listened to Usagi merrily skip off, crunching on a carrot and saying how Setsuna was dead meat for not warning her about this one.
And as for Usagi Tsukino, alas, unfortunately for her, on the way back to Juuban she lost one of her ponytails to Miaka Yuuki from Fushigi Yuugi, who mistook it for a meatball and bit it clean off Usagi's head.
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