An Ah! My Goddess story
by DB Sommer
Any and all C&C is appreciated. You can contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Ah! My Goddess characters. They were created by Kosuke Fujishima. Dark Horse owns the rights to the manga distribution in the U.S.
Don't think for one second to take this seriously. It was just an idle little thought that struck me one day. This was whipped up fast, so it might be a bit choppy in places. But hey, it's a spamfic.
Keiichi stopped thumbing the pages of the automobile magazine he was staring at and turned his gaze to the other two occupants currently in the living room. Skuld was sitting in the middle of the floor, tinkering with some mechanical palm-sized object. Urd floated on the air, watching some television program. It was all very boring. He knew he should have gone shopping for groceries with Belldandy, but he was a bit tired and didn't feel up to going outside on such a dreary day. Now he was paying for his laziness with boredom.
He was continuing to lament his fate when he heard the door to the outside open. Moments later Belldandy entered, a bag of groceries in one arm and several CDs in a small case in the other.
"Sorry I took so long." Belldandy said, holding up the small case. "I came across Tamiya on my way back from shopping. He said he needed some money fast and offered to sell me some of his CDs he doesn't listen to anymore. I didn't have the heart to say no to him, so I bought several."
That made Keiichi smile. Typical Belldandy. Always willing to help someone in need. Keiichi offered to help her put the food away, but the goddess insisted she could do it herself and told him to just relax. He did so, idly thumbing through the magazine again. One of the articles caught his eye, and he began reading it in detail.
He was so enthralled that he barely heard Belldandy say, "I'm going to my room to listen to some of my new music while the roast cooks."
"I'll be there in a minute," Keiichi said distractedly as he continued reading. He was almost to the end of the article.
By the time he was finished, Belldandy had already left. He was about to rise to his feet when an errant thought suddenly struck him. He turned to Urd and said, "I just thought of something."
Urd's eyebrows rose up in question. "Oh?"
Keiichi wondered how to begin, then decided that since this was Urd, it would be best to use the direct approach. Subtlety, either using it or catching it, was not one of the Goddess of the Past's strong points. "Mara has to dance when she hears disco, right?"
"And you fall asleep when you hear Austrian Polkas."
"Well, not quite as quickly as you do. Anyway, what I was wondering was is there some kind of music that also affects Skuld and Belldandy?"
"Oh, sure." Urd pointed her thumb over to Skuld. "For the runt, it's Broadway show tunes. Whenever she hears them, she feels compelled to invent things."
"Ah, but she's like that all the time."
Skuld didn't bother to look up from the device she was working on as she said, "It was three years ago while I was in the middle of 'Think of Me', from Phantom of the Opera that I created a miniature radio that would play Broadway hits twenty-four hours a day and implanted it in my skull."
"Actually, that explains a great deal," Keiichi admitted. "And what about Belldandy?"
"For her it's mid-eighties hard rock."
"And what happens to her?"
Keiichi suddenly became deeply disturbed as Urd gained a serious expression. "Pray to Father that you never find out."
It took Keiichi a moment to catch on. "Very funny, Urd. Now why don't you tell me?"
"It's for the best that you don—" Urd was cut off as, without warning, the words "Welcome to the Jungle" blasted through the house.
Skuld twitched and sent a screwdriver through the center of the device she was working on. She didn't give the ruined invention she had been working on for the last seven hours a second glance.
The sound of feet running came from somewhere deeper in the house.
Keiichi said, "Urd, what does listening to eighties hard rock make Belldandy do? Refuse to cook for others?"
The sound of the door to the garage slamming open reached their ears.
"She uses foul language?"
The sounds of someone rummaging through items in the garage could be heard over the music.
"She performs a striptease?"
The sound of a motor suddenly flared to life.
"Damn it, Urd! Tell me what listening to Guns n' Roses does to Belldandy!"
The door to the living room burst open. The figure that entered wore a white hockey mask and wielded a running chainsaw as though it had all the weight of a ball of yarn.
"It turns her into a homicidal maniac," Urd stated with a tired sigh.
From behind the mask, Belldandy wailed, "I'm sorry, Keiichi! I thought 'Welcome to the Jungle' was a song about saving the environment! I didn't know it was one of those longhair band songs! I can't stop myself! Run away while you can!"
Skuld bawled, "Wahhhh, big sister's turned into a psychotic killer again." She continued crying as dove into the nearest cup of water and disappeared.
Urd responded by levitating as fast as she could out of the room and deeper into the house.
Belldandy held the chainsaw high overhead in a threatening gesture, then pointed it at Keiichi.
The first urge to strike the youth was to run for it like the others. Then Keiichi felt his spine stiffen and resolve firm. This was Belldandy. He'd never abandon her anymore than she would him. He stood boldly before her and proclaimed in a voice full of conviction, "Belldandy, don't panic. I know you too well to believe any kind of music can make you kill anyone, especially me. You're just not that way. You're the kindest, most gentle person I have ever met, both on Heaven and Earth. You can fight this and overcome it, and I'll help you by standing at your side no matter whAHH!
Keiichi ducked, narrowly avoiding the chainsaw that had been aimed at his neck. He backed away, tripping over a rug and falling to the floor. He saw Belldandy approach menacingly. "Bell, come on! You can fight thAH!"
He barely rolled out of the way as the chainsaw struck the wooden floor in the exact place where his crotch had been a moment before. The blow turned a section of the floor into sawdust.
"Are you even trying?!" Keiichi shouted.
"It's not my fault! My body's moving on automatic! Run for it!" Belldandy shouted as she swung the chainsaw around again, this time slicing through the bottom of Keiichi's shirt and coming with a hairsbreadth of striking skin.
"AHHH!" Keiichi shouted at the top of his lungs as he began running in earnest for his life.
Urd popped her head into the room. Spotting Keiichi, she waved an empty CD case in hand and shouted to him, "Don't worry! There's only eleven more songs to go! Once they're finished, she'll go back to normal! You just keep her occupied for another forty-five minutes or until she runs out of gas!"
"I hate my life!" Keiichi shouted as he continued running for his life, a chainsaw-wielding goddess in hot pursuit.
Author’s notes: There now, that wasn't so good, was it? Again I'm sure someone's probably played with the idea of Skuld and Belldandy being affected my music the way Urd and Mara are, but I never saw them. And the idea seemed to amusing an idea to pass up. Hope you enjoyed.
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