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A humorous Christmas multi-crossover story
by DB Sommer

Any and all C+C is appreciated. You can contact me at sommert@connecttime.net

Disclaimer: Key the Metal Idol, Trigun, Love Hina, Tenchi Muyo!, Excel Saga, Hellsing, Neon Genesis Evangelion, Devil Hunter Yohko, Naruto, and Gundam Wing are all owned by various licensed companies. The author makes no claim to any rights to the characters or settings introduced by these shows, and hopes that this story is taken as the simple tribute to the creativity of the originators that it is intended to be.


As Santa Claus sat on his gilded throne, he looked around the vast underground chamber, one that was dank and radiated an aura of dreariness. Neither seating arrangement nor location were his preferred style, and it caused him some small measure of distress.

Santa turned to one of the numerous elves milling about behind the throne and said in curious tones, "This isn't the usual mall or department store deal, is it?"

An elf separated himself from the rest and answered the question. "We rented it from some organization known as ACROSS. It was one of the few places available at the last minute. Apparently the organization is suffering from cash flow problems and we got it at a great rate."

"I see," Santa said, becoming jolly despite the dreariness of the chamber. Nothing could depress him now. This was his favorite time of the year, and he was about to engage in one of his favorite pastimes: having people sit on his lap and tell him what they would like for Christmas. After they made their requests, staring at him with their hopeful faces, he would then reach into his bag and give them what they really needed or deserved.

Santa turned to the nearby elf again. "And what sort of group are we about to see this time? Orphans? School children? Former political figures? I have lots of coal for them."

"A rather… unique collection of individuals," the elf said hesitantly. "Why don't we send them in and you can see for yourself?" He turned to another elf who stood near the doorway leading into the chamber. "All right! Let 'em in, and may god have mercy on us all."

The door was opened and in came a stream of what were indeed unique individuals.

Santa was taken aback. "Anime actors? Why didn't you warn m—" Santa broke off as he realized the elf he had been talking to had decided being elsewhere would be a good idea.

There was nothing to be done now. Santa would endure, as he always did. Luckily, due to his being Santa, he knew this motley group of individuals that had come from the various corners of time, space, alternate dimensions, and in the case of the Gunsmith Cats, Chicago. It was easier to bridge the gap in realities than traveling out of O'Hare this time of year.

Santa looked at the first person in line. It was a young girl, thin and pale, with a face that lacked emotion. If she wanted a tanning bed, it would be hers. "Come here, child." He patted his lap.

She did so, sitting almost mechanically on his lap.

"What's your name?" Santa asked. He already knew it, but it was only polite to formally introduce oneself.

"Tokiko Mima, but everybody calls Key 'Key'," she said in a flat, emotionless voice.

"And what would you like for Christmas?" Santa asked.

"Key would like a thousand friends, so Key can become a real girl."

Santa smiled warmly. "Well, you've certainly made a friend today." He turned to the dozens of his helpers lining the room behind him. "And I'm sure all my elves consider you one as well."

"I'm not much into skinny girls," a voice near that back commented. It was followed by a toy hammer squeaking as it impacted with his head. "Just kidding. She's cool."

Santa winked in approval at his helpers. "How's that?" the jolly man asked Key.

"It's a start," Key admitted.

He then reached into his bag and handed Key a medicine bottle.

"What is this?" Key asked.

"Prozac. Take the recommended dosage on the label, and I think the world will become a brighter place." He continued smiling warmly as Key walked away. "Next."

A lanky man wearing a long red overcoat, yellow sunglasses, and a head of blonde hair that stood up so straight it resembled a broom full of bristles, came over. He plopped himself down on Santa. Luckily, Santa's lap was strong enough to withstand the weight of an overgrown child trapped in a man's body.

"And you are?" Santa asked.

"Vash the Stampede."

"And what would you like for Christmas?"

He held up his hand, twisting his middle and ring finger around and boldly shouted out to the world, "I want love and…!" He trailed off, embarrassed.

"Peace?" Santa prodded.

"I was thinking of a glazed doughnut with sprinkles, actually."

"Hmm." He reached into his bag and pulled out a circular object, examining it closely. "How about a powdered jelly?"

"Strawberry?"

"Of course."

"Deal!" Vash accepted the doughnut and hopped off Santa's lap. He was quickly replaced by a tall, thin man that strongly resembled Vash, save that his hair was shorter and his eyes gleamed insanely.

"And you are?"

"Knives," the man said.

"And what do you want for Christmas?"

"All I want for Christmas is genocide for the human race, the stinking maggots! I want every one of those twisted creatures dead and buried so I can dance on their hated remains. And kill all the spiders while you're at it, too. I'm tired of them eating all the butterflies."

Santa reached into his bag, pulled out an item, and pressed it into Knives' hand.

Knives looked down at it. "Crap! Coal again! I get this every year!"

Elves grabbed Knives and pulled his complaining form from Santa's lap, dragging him away as he railed madly at humanity.

A group of people moved forward next. Santa noticed the majority of them were women, ranging in age from high school to college to an older woman in her thirties. They were clustered around a young man with glasses that laughed sheepishly. Santa heard the name "Keitaro" mentioned several times.

"Next?" Santa prodded, when it seemed no one wanted to move toward him first.

One of the youngest of the girls timidly moved forward. She tentatively sat in Santa's lap.

"And you are?"

"Shinobu," she said timidly

"And what do you want for Christmas?"

She took a deep breath and blurted out, "I want a Keitaro of my very own!"

"Hey!" one of the older girls, with two springy forelocks, cried out.

"Let me see what I have here." Santa rummaged through his bag, eventually pulling out an object and handing it to Shinobu. "There you go. A Keitaro of your very own."

Shinobu looked at the item he handed her. "This is just a plushie that looks like Keitaro."

"It's even better that than the original," Santa insisted. "It has just as much personality, and twice the decisiveness. Pull the cord and see."

Shinobu found the cord in question and pulled. The doll said in a voice identical to its namesake, "I choose you, Shinobu."

Shinobu stared at the doll in awe. "Wow! You're right. He is more decisive and charismatic." Clutching the doll to her breast, she rose from Santa's lap and returned to the waiting group.

Keitaro was fuming. "I object! I have personality. And I am decisive, sort of."

"Absolutely," Naru agreed as she looked deeply into the eyes of the man she loved. "You have plenty of personality, as far as I'm concerned. And you're very handsome and decisive when you have to be. It's just a slander against your character. Obviously Santa doesn't know you at all."

Keitaro cleared his throat. "Naru?"

"Yes?"

"You're talking to the plushie!"

"Oops." Naru turned away from the plushie Shinobu was holding protectively and relocated the original Keitaro.

Keitaro's scowl deepened. "I am too decisive, especially when compared to that Tenchi Masaki weenie who never chose a girl in his series."

Keitaro suddenly found a blade of pure energy held mere centimeters from his throat. He looked up to see a trio of people that had been standing behind the Hinata group had moved up slightly.

Tenchi kept his sword pointed at Keitaro. Softly he intoned, "Decisive. Indecisive. I'm the one with the energy sword."

"Point taken." Keitaro would have gulped, except that would have resulted in the loss of his Adam's apple.

"Next," Santa called out, defusing the situation by reminding everyone of why they were here.

Mitsune walked up next. She slipped into Santa's lap and tickled his chin through his beard.

Santa chuckled at the gesture… not that she could score any brownie points this late in the game. "And what do you want for Christmas?"

"A Seta of my very own."

That caught Haruka's attention. "Hell, you can have mine. I sort of wore him out."

It was then Santa noticed the shriveled up heap curled up in a ball at Haruka's feet. Softly it moaned, "No more. I can't do it anymore. Four times a day, six days a week, is too much for any man. I have limits."

It was one of the most pathetic things Santa had ever seen.

Mitsune looked at him appraisingly. "Wears out quick, does he?"

Haruka nodded sadly.

"I changed my mind. I'll take a Keitaro instead," Mitsune informed Santa.

He fished out another plushie and handed it to Mistune. She gushed as she walked away. "Next," he called out.

Ryoko and Ayeka, unable to contain themselves, moved forward. Each tried to pass the other, but they ended up neck and neck. They both arrived at Santa's lap at the same time.

"I was here, first, you snob!" Ryoko cried out, trying to shove her rival out of the way.

"Uncouth barbarian! Make way for your better!" Ayeka snarled as she attempted the same.

"Now, now, ladies," the jolly man with the rosy cheeks soothed. "Santa's lap is big enough for both of you at the same time."

The girls exchanged wary glares with one another, but they didn't argue further as they each sat on opposite sides of Santa's lap.

"And what do you want for Christmas?"

Ayeka spoke first. "I want some of that decisiveness material you spoke of earlier for Lord Tenchi."

Ryoko nodded. "I want the same thing. And I don't mean no plushie, either."

Santa shrugged. He reached into his bag, and handed both girls what they wanted.

They leapt to their feet and all but flew to Tenchi. "Take this!" they cried out as one.

Tenchi accepted their offerings. His eyes seemed to glaze over as the double dose of decisiveness took effect.

"Who do you love, Tenchi?" Ryoko asked.

"Yes, Lord Tenchi, who do you wish to spend the rest of your life with?"

Tenchi placed his hands on his hips, a look of sternness on his features. "I know now whom my heart belongs to."

"Yes?" the girls cried out as one.

"It's you!" Tenchi cried out as he took the hand of the girl in question.

Mitsune looked down at the hand that was now entrapped within Tenchi's.

Tenchi peered deeply into Mitsune's eyes. "From the instant I saw you, I knew only a woman of your quick wit and beauty could be the one for me."

"Hot damn! It's about time someone appreciated me!" Mitsune tossed the Keitaro doll aside and ran off hand-in-hand with Tenchi.

Ryoko and Ayeka stared stupidly in the direction the love of their lives had departed.

Santa turned his attention away from the spectacle and back to the next person in line.

"Make way! Make way! Important people coming through!" a young girl with orange-blonde hair shouted, dragging a pale girl of about the same age, but with long black hair, along with her by the hand.

The energetic girl looked at the mass of people. "Wow! The recruitment drive sure has been successful, hasn't it, Ha-Chan?"

"Yes, Sempai," the raven-haired girl said weakly.

The more energetic of the duo forced her way forward through the people in front of her until she was standing before the throne. She saluted and shouted, "Hail Ilpalazzo! Might I say that while you seem to have put on some weight, red really is your color, and that beard makes you look very sexy."

"While that's very flattering, I'm afraid you have me mistaken for someone else. I'm Santa Claus."

Excel's eyes widened. She turned to Hyatt. "Wow! Lord Ilpalazzo really goes all out for these Christmas parties. Who would have thought our budget was big enough to hire the one and only Santa Claus?"

"Indeed." Hyatt coughed.

Santa pointed to Excel. "Come sit on my lap, and tell me what you would like for Christmas."

Excel leapt onto his lap with an unbridled enthusiasm that everyone before her lacked. "I-want-a-kabillion-yen-and-a-super-duper-battlesuit-and-collar-and-toy-and-leash-and-tenderizer-for-Menshi-and-a-superweapon-that-can-conquor-the-city-for-Lord-Ilpalazzo."

Santa reached into his bag and handed Excel a rubber tube with a needle at one end and a vial with some sort of fluid at the other. "What's this?"

"What you really need. A portable intravenous Ritalin dispenser. Go ahead, try it out."

Excel jabbed the needle in her arm and started the system. Instantly, her body shuddered. She looked around, as though she had stepped through the looking glass and encountered a new world. In a steady, almost slow voice, she said, "Wow. Everything is moving a lot faster than before, but it feels kind of… normal." She wandered off, almost in a daze.

Santa turned to Hyatt. "It's your turn."

Hyatt sat daintily in his lap.

"And what do you want for Christmas?"

A pensive look crossed Hyatt's features. "I'd like… Hurk!" She suddenly vomited up a huge amount of blood that spewed everywhere. After hurling continuously for a full minute, she finally slumped limply into Santa's lap, her non-blinking eyes staring up at the ceiling.

"About five pints of type O-negative," Santa answered for her as he pulled the packages of blood from his bag and handed both them and Hyatt to some of the nearby elves. Luckily, the blood was masked in the red of his uniform and he wouldn't have to change. "Next."

Another young woman with strawberry-blonde hair moved onto his lap. She wore an official-looking light blue uniform with an insignia that said "Hellsing" on the shoulder.

"And you are?"

"Victoria Celes," the girl said in a thick British accent.

"And what do you want for Christmas?"

"I think five pints of type O would do me a bit of good, too."

"Done." Santa pulled out another five packets and sent the girl on her way.

The next person sat on his lap without invitation. He was an incredibly tall man with a red trench coat and yellow sunglasses. Unlike the previous man wearing such things, this one had long flaxen locks of midnight black on his head and radiated a hint of danger.

Santa's eyes gleamed in recognition. "Ah, it's you, Dracula."

The man waved his finger back and forth. "Ah-ah. It's Alucard now."

"Alu…?" Santa shook his head sadly. "Surely no one would fall for something so transparent."

"You'd be surprised."

Santa shrugged. "So, what would you like for Christmas?"

Alucard considered that. After several moments of silence, he said, "I want love and… a powdered jelly donut."

Santa gave him the latter and promised to work on the former. Alucard thanked him and removed himself from Santa's lap.

Celes stared at Alucard in shock. "I can't believe you asked for those things, Master."

Alucard smiled. "You know how I hate being predictable."

Celes conceded the point.

Santa turned to the next person. "You there, come forward."

Another young pale girl, similar to Key despite having blue-tinted hair, moved forward. She was dressed in a white and blue skintight bodysuit that hugged her slender frame. She did was she was bade, taking her place on Santa's lap.

"And what's your name?"

"Rei Ayanami," she said in an emotionless voice.

"And what do you want for Christmas?"

Rei's answer was instantaneous. "I want rhythm."

"Rhythm?"

"Yes. Once the Angels are destroyed, I will be unemployed. I was thinking of becoming a fly girl. I will require rhythm in order to do that."

"I see. Very commendable."

"I'd also like a Gendou plushie."

Santa pulled a plushie that closely resembled Gendou Ikari from his bag and handed it to her. Despite its soft, chibi appearance, it held an aura of coldness about it. Rei seemed to take no notice as she held it close to her body.

"Next."

A boy, the same age as Rei, approached timidly. Hesitantly he sat on Santa's lap.

"And what's your name?"

The boy mumbled something.

"What was that?"

"Shinji." He was barely audible.

"And what would you like for Christmas?"

He mumbled something again.

"A spine?" Santa asked.

Shinji nodded.

Santa gave him a spine.

"And a Gendou plushie," he added.

Santa shrugged and handed him a Gendou plushie as well.

Shinji smiled as he left Santa's lap, staring fiercely at the doll. Santa overheard him saying to the doll, "Listen to me, old man. I won't be your tool anymore. I will be my own man, you heartless, emotionless… AHHH! He's glaring at me! He's glaring at me!" Shinji threw down the doll and ran away at top speed.

"Hmm. Perhaps I should have given him a second spine," Santa mused. "Next."

A voluptuous dark haired woman sat on Santa's lap.

"And your name?"

"Misato Katsuragi. And while I've certainly been naughty, I like to think I've been nice enough to get something other than coal," she teased.

"Such as?"

"A membership to 'Beer of the Day Club'."

"Isn't that supposed to be, 'Beer of the Month Club'?"

"Like that would do me any good," Misato scoffed.

Santa pulled a small card from his bag and handed it to Misato.

"Thanks." She gave him a peck on the cheek and hopped off his lap. Smirking, she headed directly to Ritsuko, who was standing nearby. She waved the card tauntingly before her blonde companion. "Lookie what I got from Santa."

Ritsuko took the card and read it. "'Hello, my name is Misato, and I'm an alcoholic'."

Misato tore the card from out of Ritsuko's hand and read it herself. "That jerk! This is a lifetime membership to Alcoholics Anonymous."

"Now that's a gift you can use," Ritsuko quipped.

While Misato fumed, Santa called out, "Next."

A girl, slightly older than Shinji, approached. She had long brown hair tied in two loops on the top, with the excess tied of in ponytails. She wore a red costume that was slit high on the leg and bore a black and white yin-yang symbol on the center. She sat in his lap.

"And what is your name?"

"Yohko Mano, Devil Hunter."

"What would you like? Anti-demon wards? A better sword?"

"A boyfriend that won't be killed or possessed. That happens to all my boyfriends," Yohko grumbled.

Santa reached into his bag and handed her a Keitaro plushie.

Yohko considered the object for a few moments, then shrugged. "Works for me." She held it tightly to her bosom and walked off.

Satisfied, Santa asked, "Now who's next?"

A tall, lean figure dressed in a long trench coat and wide-brimmed hat that hid his face sat on Santa's lap. Without prodding, he said, "I want a football, a sweater, and genocide for the humans."

"No genocide for you, Knives." Santa snapped his fingers and two elves dragged the protesting Knives away again.

Santa pulled out a list and said softly under his breath, "Why don't we just mark you down for coal next year, Mr. Naughty." He marked off a check next to the name. "Next."

The next person was a young man with blonde hair, no more than fourteen, dressed in an orange jumpsuit that had a number of red circles with spirals on it, and a blue headband with a strip of metal that held a leaf symbol on the center. He performed an acrobatic leap and landed lightly on Santa's lap. He didn't wait to be properly introduced, boasting, "I'm Naruto Uzumaki."

"And what would you like for Christagh!" Santa suddenly found himself handling a puff of smoke. He waved it away, coughing furiously on the leftover fumes. There was no longer anyone on his lap.

A laugh erupted from within the crowd. The group parted to show a guffawing Naruto in the midst.

Naruto doubled over in laughter. "Some Santa you are. You couldn't even tell a replicant from the real thing." His laughter ended when a lump of coal hit him in the head. He rubbed the spot it hit and stared mournfully at the mineral in his hand.

"Next."

A lean young man, about fifteen and with an unruly tangle of black hair and an emotionless face approached. He sat crisply down on Santa's lap.

"And you are?"

"Heero Yui," he said in neutral tones.

"And what do you want for Christmas?"

Heero took a deep breath, then blurted out, "I want a Type 00 Gundam with a reinforced Gundanium alloy frame, unlimited missiles, and a two hundred shot double pulse beamcannon that can destroy anything."

Santa stared at him soberly. "You'll shoot your eye out, kid."

"I can take it," Heero assured him. "Want me to shoot one out and show you?"

"No need. All right. I'll have my helpers hook you up." He snapped his fingers, and a number of elves escorted Heero out a door to the back.

Santa sighed and leaned close to one of the elves that remained near his right hand. "How many more of these guys do we have to go through?"

The elf pulled out a long sheet of paper. "Only about fifteen more series to go."

"Fifteen more?"

"And that's counting all the Dragonball series as one. And every member of the cast, including all the villains, showed up."

Santa held his hand to his head. It was going to be a long day.

 


Author's notes: Yeah, I could have made that a little longer, but I felt things went on long enough to get the idea. Hope you enjoyed this seasonal offering. Meant to post it sooner, but this was the only chance I had with how busy I've been.

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Last revision: May 21, 2007

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