File 1: Bad Cop, Bad Cop
A Tenchi Muyo! / Police Squad crossover story
by DB Sommer
Disclaimer: Tenchi Muyo is copyrighted by AIC/ Pioneer LDC, Hitoshi Okuda, and Viz. Police Squad is copyrighted by Paramount Studios, David Zucker, and Jerry Zucker.
Any and all C&C is appreciated. You can contact me at email@example.com
Special thanks to Ginrai and Bjorn for looking this over.
First Class Detective Kiyone Makibi made her way through the maze of desks and personnel that comprised the Galaxy Police Headquarters on Delta Igneous Omicron Mokra (which the indigenous habitants simply referred to as 'Murray', evidently having no appreciation for the Juraian planet naming system). The headquarters was the epitome of the term 'pandemonium'; small wonder, given that the planet served as a hub for this sector of space. The entire station seemed to be filled with shouting officers, witnesses, suspects, criminals, and lawyers. The lawyers at least were trying to 'improve' matters by trying to get the suspects and criminals removed from said headquarters, but at the moment it appeared they were having little success. Moving through the floor of the office building reminded Kiyone of the obstacle course back at the Galaxy Police Academy, except she regarded the lawyers as being significantly worse than the sharks that filled the moats around some of the course hazards.
Kiyone sucked in her gut as she tried to squeeze past a huge man— with a behind that was approximately the size of a watermelon— that was taking up more than eighty percent of a the narrow aisle. She was halfway past the rear end when Mihoshi, who was paying more attention to everything around her instead of what was in front of her, bumped into Kiyone, sending her into the large man. He reflexively moved backward, his huge posterior swatting Kiyone back as though she had the weight of a feather and pinning her to the side of a desk.
"My hips!" Kiyone hissed out as the corpulent man's weight pressed her against the edge of metal.
The man turned around from the seedy-looking human he had been speaking to, barely giving Kiyone enough room to breathe. He adjusted a set of mechanical eyes and looked at the officer as though he was offended that she dared breathe the same air he was. "Watch where you're going, or I'll have you brought up on charges of assault. Do you know who I am? I'm the greatest lawyer every produced from Shysteria. You have the honor of meeting J.H.K.M. Montisque the Fourth."
"My apologies, sir." Kiyone wondered if the previous three Montisques had been eaten by the fourth.
Mihoshi gaped at the man in surprise. "I know you. It's an honor to meet a lawyer of your caliber." She grabbed his hand and began shaking it up and down as though it was an air pump.
The lawyer looked at her in confusion, adjusting his eyes again. "I see, well, it's a pleasure to finally meet a member of the Galaxy Police that appreciates the job we lawyers do to help the innocent victims who are held against their will when they're illegally detained by shoddy and corrupt police procedures."
"Innocent victims. Paying clients. Is there a difference?" Kiyone snorted contemptuously.
Montisque said, "I see you're familiar with Shysteria's planetary slogan."
Before Kiyone could utter another acerbic comment, Mihoshi said to Montisque, "I've seen some of your greatest cases. Can I have your autograph?"
That delighted the man. He pulled out a sheet of paper and a writing implement that resembled a giant feather and began writing his name.
Mihoshi cheerfully said, "It's too bad about you losing the case with 'Butcher' Mollusk. I thought it was open and shut for you."
Montisque's writing hesitated. "Yes, the judge was most unreasonable about suppressing what was clearly illegally obtained evidence."
Kiyone said, "He was walking around the street, covered in the victim's blood, shouting out, "I did it. I butchered that pig."
"Circumstantial evidence, I assure you."
Mihoshi said, "And then there was that case with Izze Borden. The way you made it sound, why, if I was on that jury, I would never have found her guilty of dismembering that entire church choir, like they did."
The lawyer began sweating profusely, producing a foul odor. "Err, yes, that was a travesty of justice. Now who do I sign this to?"
Mihoshi didn't take the bait. "And then there was that one with Mr. Corporation himself, Slick Billy Gates. I remember you saying to reporters before the trial, 'There's no evidence of any wrongdoing involving my client. It's an easy case that will be over in less than three weeks.' It's too bad you lost it. But it did happen in less than three weeks, like you said."
The seedy-looking man Montisque had been talking to stood up and said, "Hey, that's what you just told me."
The lawyer looked as through he was about to lose his best friend. "No, wait. Those were the only three cases I've lost in the last five years."
The seedy man turned away, "I want a new lawyer."
Montisque fell to his knees and began pleading, "Nooooo. Pay no attention to that awful detective. I'm a good lawyer. A good lawyer."
Kiyone smirked at the situation and grabbed Mihoshi by the hand, forcing her past the scene. "Nice work."
"I don't know what you mean," the blonde said without a hint of guile.
"I know. That's what makes it better." Kiyone finally led the two of them to the office of the captain. She knocked hard on the door, and was met with a "Come on in. The door's unlocked."
Kiyone tried the door, but the handle wouldn't budge. "It's still locked, Sir."
"Wait a second," the voice from within said.
Kiyone stood waiting, tapping her foot impatiently.
Without warning, the door handle was suddenly blown clean off the door by a laser. "Now it's open." The voice from inside stated, as though it were commenting on the weather.
Kiyone, who had her firearm halfway drawn out, slowly placed it back in the holster. Once convinced there would be no further shooting, she poked her head in. Seeing only the captain present at his desk, she hesitantly entered. Mihoshi took the opposite tact and entered immediately and without a hint of fear. Unwilling to be upstaged by her partner, Kiyone entered with her back straight and jaw thrust out, as though she hadn't been almost hit by the blast.
Both she and Mihoshi entered the office and gave a crisp salute. "Captain Drebbin. Officers Makibi and Kuramitsu reporting for special assignment. Umm, your muzzle seems to be smoking, sir."
The captain was a Felinoid. He had a basic humanoid bipedal design, but with fur covering the majority of his body and an elongated jaw bristling with sharp fangs. His jaw was indeed smoking. He stared at the wisps of vapor as though seeing them for the first time. "Shoot, about to spontaneously combust. Hold on a minute." He took a small bottle from a desk drawer, extracted two of the pills contained within, and swallowed them. The smoke disappeared within moments.
"Spontaneously combust, sir?" Kiyone asked weakly.
"Runs in the family," he offered in explanation. "Which might explain why I never had any cousins. In any case, that doesn't matter. Word was passed down that you were on assignment in the area. When I heard that, I realized you were my only hope in cracking the case, and requested your presence for a very important matter."
Kiyone, absolutely delighted at being so well known that sector commanders would request her presence, saluted again. "Whatever it is, sir, I'll be more than willing, eager, and able to help in the matter."
Drebbin stared at her. "I was referring to Officer Kuramitsu. Her reputation as one of the most brilliant and courageous members of the Galaxy Police Force is known throughout the entire organization. I assume you're her subordinate?"
"Partner." Kiyone wasn't sure if she wanted to be angry or simply cry.
The captain turned to Mihoshi and pointed to Kiyone. "She have problems keeping up with you?"
Mihoshi nodded. "Sometimes. She accidentally got left behind at this destroyed space station once, and—"
"Can we get to the matter at hand?" Kiyone felt boiling anger at the memories of being abandoned in deep space for five months. It wouldn't do to lose her cool in front of the captain, but it took effort not to scream and shout.
"Quite right," Drebbin said gruffly. "Here's the situation. Five months ago, a large quantity of an explosive chemical compound called PYTX was stolen from a Juraian military base."
Kiyone whistled. "That stuff's powerful. I heard less than a single ounce could destroy ten city blocks. How much was stolen?"
The captain continued, "Due to it being a chemical compound, we can't track it by scanning for an energy matrix or signature, which is probably why the military developed it in the first place. In any case, it gets worse. Since the Emperor himself is coming tomorrow to visit Murray—"
"Delta Igneous Omicron Mokra," Mihoshi corrected.
"Quite right. It's nice to see you paying attention to the important details," Drebbin said. "It's a high profile PR campaign. He's been touring this section of space, and due to the planet's importance in space travel, appearing here is a must, especially since support for him has never been that strong from the planet's inhabitants. We've been on high alert looking for assassins and saboteurs. Earlier today, we picked up a speeder named Clive Pheriton near the city limits. A routine scan of his car showed an unknown substance on one of the hover jets. A more thorough examination showed it to be trace material of Lithorium, which is the chemical that would be used to ignite the explosive reaction in PYTX."
"Lithorium is used in some other things, including construction," Kiyone pointed out.
"True," the captain admitted. "However, since Mr. Pheriton was also suspected in more than five bombing cases, that seems to eliminate a lot of more legal possibilities."
"Any make it to trial?"
The captain shook his head. "Not enough evidence in any of the cases. He's the best there is, and knows how to cover his tracks. There isn't enough evidence to stick to him here, either. We're only holding him because of the traffic violation and the fact it had a suspected explosives related substance connected to it. But the car's a rental, so we can't prove he was driving it when it gained the residue. I've had my men interrogating him non-stop, but he just sits there, looking smug and mocking the interrogators. His lawyer will be by any minute now, and make us release him in a heartbeat. If we're going to make him talk, it has to be now. I've heard how Officer Mihoshi gets the job done no matter what. Since my boys can't crack this nut, I was hoping you would give it a try. It's a long shot, but it's the only one we got."
"We'll be more than happy to help out, sir!" Both women saluted again.
He gave them directions to the room Pheriton had been held in since arriving. As the two made their way to the chamber, Kiyone began going through a mental checklist of how to handle the situation. She had gotten exemplary marks in interrogation techniques back at the academy, but hadn't had a chance to employ those skills since graduating.
Mihoshi held her hand up and started going, "Oh, oh! I have an idea."
Weighing the potential headache the suggestion would probably elicit against the potential headache a sorrowful Mihoshi would create at not being heard out, Kiyone decided to get things over with. "What is it?"
"I heard about this interrogation technique called Good Cop, Bad Cop. I think we should do that. I heard it works really well."
Kiyone considered that. Others had probably used it against Pheriton, but Mihoshi was so blasted happy, her 'Good Cop' persona might get him to lower his guard, while Kiyone knew she could act like a real bitch when she wanted to; it was something all of her former boyfriends could agree upon. Since she hadn't come up with any ideas of her own, Kiyone said, "It's worth a shot."
Mihoshi began skipping in joy. "I knew you'd like that idea. I can't wait to unleash my 'Bad Cop' act on him."
That brought Kiyone up short. "Um, I don't think that's a good idea. You be Good Cop and I'll be Bad Cop."
Mihoshi shook her head. "No way, Kiyone. You're too nice and no one would ever believe you could be a bad cop. I'd be much more convincing at the job. Why is your jaw hanging open, Kiyone? Did it get knocked loose in that fight at Altair 5? You should get it looked at if it's becoming unhinged like that regularly."
Kiyone got her jaw in working order. "What do you mean you'd be a good bad cop? You'd be terrible at it. You're too nice."
"No, no, I can do it. I can be a bad cop if I try," Mihoshi insisted.
Seeing the way Mihoshi's eyes began to tear, Kiyone sighed. Another refusal, and the blonde would begin wailing, and a tearful 'Good Cop' would ruin everything. "Fine, you be Bad Cop." Kiyone supposed that ultimately it didn't matter. There was no way they could succeed where all the other, better interrogators had failed. It had been a long shot from the beginning. This just meant the interrogation was doomed before things started.
It was a mournful Kiyone and a delighted Mihoshi that stepped into the interrogation chamber that Pheriton was being held in. The room was practically empty and had an unmistakable antiseptic smell. Only three uncomfortable metal chairs and an unadorned metal table filled the room, along with the suspect.
While Kiyone closed the door behind them, Mihoshi gave a bright "Hi," to Pheriton, and sat down. Kiyone kept from rolling her eyes. Mihoshi was certainly off to a 'Bad Cop' act, all right.
Pheriton himself looked surprisingly normal. He was a 'standard' humanoid, like Kiyone or Mihoshi. He appeared of average build, average height, and average age. He could have blended in just about anywhere like a chameleon. With his ordinary appearance, no one would be able to remember him. It was definitely an asset in his suspected line of work. The only unusual thing Kiyone noted about him was the look in his eyes. It was one of idle contempt. Oh, he was guilty all right, and would go free, knowing there was nothing she or the authorities could do about it. Whatever it was he had done, he was about to get away with. Still, she had to try to get him to talk. Maybe she could locate the chink in his armor that the others had missed.
Sitting across from him at the head of the table, Kiyone gave him her patented 'Glare of Ice' that could calm even a bubbly Mihoshi. "Now, Mr. Pheriton, why don't we start from the beginning?"
Rather than act intimidated, Pheriton simply rolled his eyes. "I got a better idea. Why don't you and the walking tits here take a hike and leave me alone until my lawyer arrives and springs me?"
Mihoshi cheerfully said, "We're on duty and can't go hiking anywhere, though I heard the central mountain chain on Delta Igneous Omicron Mokra is ideal for such pursuits."
Pheriton looked at her in confusion. Kiyone would have as well, save she was used to that sort of thing happening all the time. At least she had the satisfaction of seeing the criminal caught off balance before he was sprung. "Look, Pheriton, myself and Detective Mihoshi were especially assigned to this case. We have the evidence from your car. We know you planted the PYTX and are going to bust you for possession of an illegal explosive."
Pheriton laughed. "You got nothing but a bunch of crap circumstantial evidence that no prosecutor in his right mind would touch, otherwise you would have charged me for something other than speeding and used it as leverage against me. I will plead guilty to the speeding charge, by the way. I still think that jerk had his speed clock upped by a few dozen kilometers, though. No way I was going as fast as he said I was."
Everything Captain Drebbin had said about Pheriton's toughness had been accurate. It was time to take a different approach. Kiyone said in an ominous voice, "The PYTX was stolen from the Jurai Military. That means the Jurai Security Directorate will get involved and interrogate you. It would be in your best interest to spill your guts before they do it for you."
Pheriton laughed. Mihoshi laughed with him, making his laughter die. He stared at her again, then said to Kiyone, "I'm not some hick from the outer rim. I've known a couple of guys on the JSD. They're an okay bunch. They ain't as big a pricks as you GP scumbags. Trying to say they're going to do this spooky shit to me ain't going to intimidate me."
Mihoshi said, "Oh, pretty please. We would appreciate it a whole lot if you'd tell us where the explosives are."
The headache rolled in full force. Kiyone had known this was going to happen. There was no such thing as an 'Evil Mihoshi'. Even when the blonde tried to be evil, she still sounded like someone asking a child for a favor.
Pheriton seemed equally unimpressed. He tilted his chair back on two legs and placed his hands behind his head. "Is the part where you're going to offer me immunity to anything bad I did? This is the point where the last two guys offered it."
"Would it make you talk?" Mihoshi asked.
"No. Of course not."
"I guess we won't then." Mihoshi turned to Kiyone. "I'm out of things to ask. Do you have any ideas?"
Kiyone felt a pang of irritation at Mihoshi openly admitting it was time to give up. True, she had no further useful ideas, but they didn't need to admit to this creep that they had been so easily defeated. "No. Let's go. We still have to finish the investigation we were originally sent out to do." Kiyone rose out of her chair.
Mihoshi nodded in agreement. "Okay. I'll kill him before we leave."
"Fine, but make it quick, since…" Kiyone's eyes widened as the full effect of the statement set in. Before she could say anything, Mihoshi drew her sidearm and aimed it at the suspect's head.
Pheriton's eyes opened even wider than Kiyone's as his chair dropped back on all four legs, and he let out a gasp. After a moment, he let out a nervous chuckle and wagged his finger reproachfully back and forth. "Not bad, GP. You almost had be going there with that joke." He began laughing.
Mihoshi laughed much harder than him. Kiyone began to as well, though not to Mihoshi's degree.
Just as suddenly, Mihoshi, stopped laughing and said in her usual, cheerful voice, "I wasn't joking."
Kiyone saw Mihoshi's trigger finger tighten. The dark-haired officer was a blur as she hurled herself into her partner's arm. A crimson beam of energy emitted from the pistol, missing Pheriton's head by no more than a couple of centimeters.
"You almost shot me, you crazy bitch!" he shouted, his body as riveted to his chair as his eyes were to the gun.
Kiyone sounded as angry as if she had been the one fired upon as. "What do you think you're doing?"
Mihoshi looked at Kiyone as though she had asked the most stupid question in the galaxy. "It's obvious he planted the explosives and isn't going to talk. If that's the way he's going to be, he doesn't have any use to us anymore, so we might as well kill him. Never let the bad guys get away, that's my motto."
"We can't just shoot him!" Kiyone protested. Pheriton's head was a blur as he nodded in agreement.
"Actually, I've found that if you have a loaded gun, you can shoot just about anything." Mihoshi cheerful pointed out as she aimed at him again.
Kiyone brought her hand down on Mihoshi's arm as she fired once more. The shot barely missed his head a second time.
"You're insane!" he cried as he ducked behind a chair.
Kiyone would have been inclined to agree, save for the fact she found Mihoshi had managed to shift her weight and used Kiyone's momentum against her. The dark-haired officer ended up expertly thrown through the air, landing hard with her back against a wall. Dazed, she was trying to regain her footing when she saw the barrel of the gun pointed at her.
Mihoshi said, "Kiyone, if you're not going to be part of the solution, then you're part of the problem. It looks like you would have been better off stranded in space after all."
Kiyone let out a snarled, "Quit horsing around with—"
Mihoshi fired, the bolt hitting Kiyone cleanly in the shoulder and leaving a blackened hole on the outfit.
Kiyone looked down at the hole and cauterized wound in it. In open disbelief, she said, "You shot me…"
Turning, Mihoshi leveled the gun at Pheriton once again.
The man screamed like a little girl. "I confess! I planted the PYTX in the spaceport! It's set to go off when the Emperor lands! There's a shielded dimensional wave shifter embedded with it so the explosion can bypass the Light Hawk Wings. I'll tell you the bomb's hidden location and give you the disarm codes and the names of the Juraian nobles who hired me and obtained the PYTX and phase shifter for me. Please don't kill me!"
Mihoshi sniffed the air. "What's the smell?"
"I soiled myself," Pheriton quivered.
Mihoshi pinched her nose shut. "Yucky."
The door to the room burst open. Captain Drebbin and a number of other officers stormed into the room, weapons drawn. Drebbin said, "We heard gunfire. What happened?"
On the floor and holding her wounded arm, Kiyone shouted, "She shot me!"
Still holding her nose, Mihoshi saluted. "Officer Kuramitsu reporting, sir. The suspect has made a full confession. You'd better mobilize the bomb squad and get down to the spaceport. Oh yes, and get the suspect a new pair of pants. He had an accident in them."
Captain Drebbin rushed forward to shake Mihoshi's hand. "Good work, Detective. I heard plenty of stories about you, but couldn't believe them. Now that I've seen you in action, I realize not only are they true, but they don't begin to do you justice. You've not only saved millions of innocent civilians, but the Emperor himself, as well as perhaps the Empire."
Mihoshi blushed. "Thank you, sir."
Kiyone shouted to the captain. "Are you a complete moron?! She just shot a fellow officer! She fired upon and threatened to kill a helpless suspect! She forced a confession out of him! She violated nearly every right and procedure there is! She's the one that's going to end up in jail, not Pheriton!"
"Noooo!" Pheriton wailed as he was dragged out of the room by the other officers. "I won't press charges. I won't tell a single soul what happened. I'll plead guilty. Throw me in jail forever. Leave me in my soiled pants. Just so long as you keep that psycho away from me!"
Drebbin turned to Kiyone. "That's settled. I don't see any problems here."
"I'm lying on the floor with a hole in my arm!"
"You should get that looked at, then," Drebbin said.
Mihoshi turned to her partner. "Like they always say at the Academy, 'Being shot is part of the risks we take when we don the uniform of the Galaxy Police. Those not prepared had best quit now'."
"YOUR PARTNER SHOOTING YOU IS NOT MEANT TO BE ONE OF THOSE RISKS!" Kiyone tried going for her gun, but since it was her shooting arm that was immobilized, she had difficulty reaching across and undoing the snaps that held it in place.
Drebbin turned back to Mihoshi. "I must say, this is perhaps the proudest moment of my life. If only all my men were as bright and resourceful as you, we'd have crime cleaned up in this sector of space in no time"
Mihoshi blushed again. "That's very nice of you to say, but I couldn't have done it without my partner."
Finally managing to get to her feet, Kiyone stood with her gun in hand. However, before she could bring the weapon up, Mihoshi moved next to her and wrapped an arm around her dark-haired partner, firmly placing it on the injured shoulder. Kiyone let out a squeal of pain and dropped the firearm.
Mihoshi proudly stated, "Kiyone's as much responsible for the suspect's confession as I am. I couldn't have played the role of bad cop if she wasn't there to be the good cop."
"Pain," Kiyone rasped.
Mihoshi said, "That's right, Kiyone, it did pain me to play the role of bad cop, but I knew it would have hurt you worse since you're the epitome of goodness. That's why I took it upon myself to be the bad cop; I couldn't let you be hurt that way."
"Let… go." Kiyone's eyes started to roll into the back of her head.
"Yes, I had to let go of everything I knew and act like a bad person that doesn't think or care about others. I knew being forced to shoot your partner would hurt you worse than the actual wound, so I took that pain for you. No sacrifice is too great in bringing the perpetrator to justice. I learned that from you." Mihoshi slapped her hand across Kiyone's shoulder again.
Agony overwhelming her, Kiyone gurgled and slumped to the floor.
Mihoshi looked down at her partner. "Um, Kiyone, don't you think you should get your arm looked at before you take a nap?"
Drebbin said, "We'll get her coffee and a donut. I know I always feel better after one of those."
Mihoshi happily agreed and began exiting the room with the captain. "We'll get her a jelly and sausage filled one. Those are her favorite."
"Very thoughtful of you." Drebbin and Mihoshi left together, stepping aside to let a janitor with his cleaning cart in the room.
Upon arriving, the janitor looked at the floor in disgust. He threw his mop down on the floor. "God damn, lazy ass cops. They don't never clean up after themselves. Always leaving dead bodies on the floor and expecting me to get rid of the evidence. At least they didn't leave a lot of blood this time. Almost out of floor cleaner." He picked up Kiyone's unconscious form and tossed her unceremoniously into the part of his cart marked, 'Incinerator' on the side and began wheeling it downstairs into the basement.
To be continued.
Author's notes: Yep, inspired from the old show 'Police Squad' and the 'Naked Gun' movies, from way back when. And no, Kiyone won't meet a grisly demise. She has to show up for the sequel as she and Mihoshi go toe to toe with 'Gregarious' Spacey and the 'Unusual Suspects'. ^_^
Not quite as satisfied as I thought I would be when I first came up with the idea of Mihoshi's 'Bad Cop' routine being better than anyone, including Kiyone, would suspect. Once the PS elements showed up, she became the straight man to all the punchlines… even worse than usual.
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