An Azumanga Daioh fic
by DB Sommer
Any and all C+C is appreciated. You can contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Azumanga Daioh characters. They are owned by Kiyohiko Azuma, Genco, J.C. Staff, and ADV Films.
Foreword: This is a one shot, and not a set of vignettes. It takes place during the second year, meaning all of the girls are in Yukari's class.
The door to the classroom slid back and a bleary-eyed Yukari trudged into the room, lips curled back in a grimace of distaste. She walked up to the podium, slammed her books down and stared at the students sitting in their seats. Every one of them was cheerful and attentive, waiting patiently for her to bestow kernels of knowledge upon them.
"Morning people," Yukari spat contemptuously. "I hate you all!"
The class looked hesitantly at one another. It was going to be one of "those" days again.
Yukari glowered at the assembled students. "Here's today's lesson, and it's perhaps the most important that you'll ever learn in your entire lives."
Chiyo pulled out a pencil and paper. "What is it?"
"Never mix sake and bourbon. You'll pay for it the next day." She held her hand to her temple for a moment, then continued looking over the class. When no one said anything, she prodded them with a, "Well?"
Kagura rose to the bait. "Well what?"
"Aren't you going to ask me why I was in such a foul mood that I felt compelled to mix sake and bourbon?"
The class stared at her blankly.
"If I was Nyamo, I bet you would have asked," Yukari grumbled.
Osaka stood up and raised her hand.
That cheered Yukari up. "What is it, Osaka?"
"We didn't think you actually needed an excuse to drink," Osaka answered.
Yukari shot her a dirty look. "It just so happens I got a call the other day. It was from my younger brother. He's coming in from Hokkaido to visit."
"You said he's your younger brother?" Tomo asked.
"Yes," Yukari answered.
Tomo turned to Yomi. "Wow! You think her parents would have learned their lesson after having her."
A thrown eraser collided with her head.
"What's he like?" Chiyo asked.
Yukari pondered that. After a few moments of indecision, she said, "You know those hentai movies with the tentacle demons? He's like that."
The class's eyes widened at the statement.
"Only worse," Yukari added.
Their jaws dropped as well.
"You should ask Nyamo. She dated him once in high school," Yukari said. "She was going through a self-destructive phase at the time. She got better though. Right after the date, as it turned out." Yukari continued grumbling. "I need something to distract me, so here's what we'll do. All of you have to tell me about the weird relatives you have."
"Why?" Yomi dared to ask.
"If yours are worse than mine, it might make me feel better."
The class sighed in exasperation.
As lunch time rolled around, Tomo had taken the role of ringleader and gathered the girls together to confront Nyamo about her encounter with Yukari's brother. They found her sitting at her desk in the teacher's lounge, tidying up some papers.
Tomo acted as spokeswoman. "Nyamo-sensei."
Nyamo, having long since given up correcting them about using her nickname, smiled pleasantly and said, "Yes?"
"What's Yukari-sensei's brother like?"
Nyamo flinched. "Why are you asking me about that?!" The sentence came out so quickly it sounded more like one word rather than a string of them.
"Yukari-sensei said you dated him."
Nyamo's entire body shuddered once, a mini-epileptic seizure that left as quickly as it came. "No, I didn't."
"But Yukari-sensei said you did," Osaka insisted.
Another shudder claimed the teacher, one more violent than the last, and a fleeting look of terror crossed her face. "No, I'd definitely remember something like that."
Yomi shrugged, "Oh, I guess she was mistak—" She stopped abruptly as Nyamo swatted as something behind her. "What is it?"
"I thought I felt something try to grab me." Another shudder wracked her, and she swatted at something only she could see.
The girls began inching away. "Anyway, it was nice seeing you again," Chiyo tried saying cheerfully, despite moving backward in great haste.
The girls watched Nyamo swing wildly at the air around her again and curse, "Hands… everywhere… get away!"
Once out of the teacher's lounge, the girls began talking among themselves. Tomo said, "Did that whole twitching bit remind you of someone else?"
"Who?" Osaka asked.
Tomo turned to Chiyo. "Chiyo-chan, how about we take a ride in Yukari's car?"
Chiyo shook violently, her eyes taking on a distant gaze.
"You're right," Kagura said as the others nodded in agreement.
It was at that moment Yukari strolled past on her way to lunch.
Tomo stopped her in the hall. "Hey, Yukari-sensei. Nyamo says she didn't date your brother."
Yukari shook her head pityingly. "That's easy to understand. Sometimes people block out traumatic experiences in order to deal with them. When they do that, they can't remember what happened to them."
Osaka said, "I forget things, like studying for tests, all the time. Maybe that's what happens to me. I can't be sure, though, since I forget." Her mind began trying to unravel the conundrum of remembering memory loss.
Chiyo flung herself at Yukari, pulling insistently at her skirt. "How? How can I do it?!"
Yukari patted Chiyo on the head. "Now, now, you don't want to block out your memories. Mental trauma builds character."
"I already have enough character!" Chiyo insisted as visions of automotive near-death experiences danced through her head.
Tomo considered that. "You know, I read somewhere that blows to the head can lead to memory loss."
"That would be physical trauma, not mental trauma," Yomi pointed out.
"Same difference." Tomo turned to Chiyo, then swatted her on the top of her head, eliciting a sharp squeal of pain. "How's that? Did you forget what you wanted to forget?"
"Never mind," Chiyo said as she rubbed her sore head.
"No, really, I can do it." Tomo swatted her in the head again. "How about now?"
"Stop! Stop!" Chiyo shouted as she ran away from Tomo, who had her hand raised above her head in hot pursuit.
"Wow! Chiyo's going to have the best character of us all," Osaka said dreamily as she watched the two running around in large circles.
The bell signaling the end of the day chimed throughout the building. Relieved at having made it through another day, the girls began packing their books in anticipation of going home.
"You six, wait here," Yukari said, pointing to Tomo, Osaka, Sakaki, Chiyo, Yomi, and Kagura. Kaorin remained behind voluntarily, concerned about Sakaki.
"Why do we have to stay?" Kagura complained.
"I'll need a distraction for when Yoshi comes by," Yukari explained.
"Who's Yoshi?" Yomi asked.
"He's coming here?" Tomo asked.
"Yep. I thought neutral ground would afford me the best opportunity for escape should the need arise."
The girls stared at each other warily.
It was at that moment the door to the room slid open and a well-dressed young man, nearly Yukari's age, announced, "I'm here."
The girls looked at him. He was actually a touch on the handsome side, with short brown hair and above average in height.
"He looks kind of normal," Yomi said.
"So does Yukari," Kagura pointed out.
Yomi conceded the point.
"Big sister!" Yoshi shouted in delight. He ran toward, his arms held out, eager for an embrace.
Yukari stared distastefully at him, but didn't move.
"It's great to see you," he said as he embraced her.
"It's… to see you too," she muttered unintelligibly.
His arms went from encircling her waist to grabbing her behind. "Hey, you've been working out. How about giving Little Brother some sugar?"
He tried kissing the now struggling Yukari. She managed to fend off his desperately puckered lips with one hand pressed against his forehead, while the other went into a pocket in her skirt. She pulled out a small spritz bottle and pushed the plunger down, spraying a mist in his eyes.
The effect was instantaneous as Yoshi recoiled away from her, rubbing his eyes furiously. After several seconds of wiping, his teary eyes stared at her in accusation. "I can't believe you! How could you mace your very own little brother?"
"Like this." She hit the plunger and emptied the rest of the contents into his eyes.
The girls watched in disbelief at the sight.
"He's… actually worse than she described, isn't he?" Yomi asked.
The others nodded in mute agreement.
They had just finished nodding when Yoshi stopped wiping his eyes and scowled at Yukari again. Apart from a trace of tear in the corner of his left eye, they were dry.
"How did you recover so quickly?" Yukari asked in annoyance as she tossed the empty can away.
"I'm building up a tolerance," Yoshi stated triumphantly.
"That's not something to be proud of," Kaorin muttered under her breath.
It was at that moment Nyamo entered the room. "Yukari, I have those papers you…." Nyamo took one look into the classroom, then turned to go.
It was too late as Yoshi cried out, "Hey, hey, hey! If it isn't 'DJ' Kurosawa."
"'DJ'? Why did you call her that?" Tomo asked.
Yoshi kept his leer affixed to Nyamo as he said, "It's her nickname. DJ is short for 'Double-Jointed'. She had a reputation among the guys as being really flexible, if you know what I mean. You could bend her in all sorts of posi—"
A hard fist buried deep in his solar plexus ended the commentary. Yoshi doubled over, as though a sledgehammer had been rammed in his gut. Nyamo stood warily over him, fist held at the ready. "What was that?"
"I… mean… she… was… captain… of… gymnastics… team… and known… for flexibility," Yoshi gasped out.
"Better," Nyamo said.
It was then Yoshi finally seemed to take notice of the girls in the class. As his eyes fell upon them, they all instinctively took a step back.
Before any of them could move farther away, Yoshi all but pounced at the nearest one, Yomi. "And who might you be, my delightful angel of loveliness?"
"Koyomi." She was damned if she would tell him her last name. She was going to make a break for it once she was out of his line of sight, and he might be able to track her down if he knew it.
Yoshi bowed graciously. "Truly you are a rare beauty. Women with glasses are so sexy," he said suavely.
"Uh, thanks." Was all she could manage as she tried to back away.
As swift as a snake, his hand darted to her behind. "And I like a little cushion to the tushin', if you know what I mean."
"Double chop!" Yomi cried out as she brought the edge of both her hands simultaneously down on top of his head. That bought her the time she needed to escape his grasp and move well out of his reach.
"Can't say I care for martial arts anymore than I do good right hooks." He directed the last comment toward Nyamo before returning his attention to the next girl in line, Chiyo.
Realizing his attention had turned her way, and that she was getting that same bad feeling she got when Kimura looked at her, Chiyo nervously greeted, "Hello."
"And who might you be?" Yoshi asked.
"Chiyo," she responded.
He handed her a card. "Give me a call in six years. We'll go out and have some fun."
She read it. "You hand out cards with your name, number, and vital statistics on them?"
"Only to cute girls. Saves on time." He moved to the next girl, Tomo. "And who might you be, my… dear?" He stared at her in bewilderment as she scratched furiously at her crotch through her skirt. "What's wrong?"
Tomo kept scratching away. "Some kind of fungus the doctors can't seem to identify. But don't worry. They say there's only a sixty percent chance it's contagious." She held out her hand and said, "I'm Tomo."
Yoshi passed her by and moved to the next girl, Kagura.
Suddenly finding herself the center of Yoshi's attention, Kagura panicked. She wanted to follow Tomo's lead and do something to scare the creep away, but hadn't had enough time to think of anything. She had to think fast.
Yoshi smiled suavely at her. "And what might your name b—"
There was no time! Kagura blurted out the first thing that came to her. "I'm a lesbian!"
Yoshi was unmoved. "Babe, give me a chance, and I'll make you switch back." He winked.
"No thanks! I, uh, already have a girlfriend!" Kagura looped her arm through the nearest girl to her.
Osaka stared in confusion at the arm grabbing her. "I thought we were just friends," she told Kagura.
Kagura shook her head furiously. "Nope. Definitely girlfriends."
Osaka was in awe. "I guess it's true what they say about love sneaking up on you. I never saw this coming at all."
"Threesomes are more fun," Yoshi pointed out.
"I have my hands full with her," Kagura insisted.
"Can I at least watch?"
Beaten, Yoshi moved on. Kagura breathed a sigh of relief, until she felt a tug on her arm. "What?"
"Since we're both girls, on White Day, do I give chocolates to you or do you give them to me?" Osaka asked.
"Umm. I'm not sure," Kagura said hesitantly, not having counted on Osaka not picking up on the true, transient nature of their "relationship".
"Maybe we should flip a coin."
"We can talk about it later."
"Relationships should be filled with open communication," Osaka insisted. "If you're going to be close-mouthed, I don't think it's going to work out."
While the two began to argue, Yoshi moved past Osaka and on to the next girl in line. Unlike the others, Sakaki didn't have the faintest idea of how to deal with what she knew was to come. Her nature simply didn't allow for dishonesty or deceit.
Due to Sakaki's height, Yoshi was forced to look up at her. "You're a tall one, aren't you?"
"Yes," Sakaki said quietly.
"I don't like tall girls. It makes them unfeminine." Yoshi turned away from her.
Kaorin was at Sakaki's side instantly. Outraged, she shouted. "Sakaki is not unfeminine! She's the most feminine girl in this entire school! She is the living epitome of femininity! I only wish I could be one tenth as feminine as she is!"
Before Kaorin could take another breath, she found her hand fully encompassed within Yoshi's own. "Oh, you are, you sweet little thing. Believe me, you are."
It was only then that Kaorin understood the full gravity of her error in giving Yoshi the opening he had so desperately been looking for. "Don't touch me!" Kaorin screeched, praying for Sakaki, or anyone, to help her escape from the creep's clutches.
Salvation came in the form of the door to the room booming open and a deep baritone voice shouted, "Unhand that girl!"
Yoshi's hands retreated, as though Kaorin was as hot as the sun. She sighed in relief.
"And who are you?" Yoshi demanded.
Kimura was at Kaorin's side in an instant. "Kaori's significant other."
"You're not my significant anything!" she shouted at the top of her lungs.
"Like this sexy lady would want anything to do with you," Yoshi scoffed.
"Love comes in many different forms," Kimura assured him.
"This is true," Osaka nodded, her arm still through Kagura's. The statement made Kagura sweat profusely.
"No it isn't!" Kaorin shouted, trying to find any avenue of escape.
"Hello!" a melodic voice chimed from the doorway of the classroom.
All the girls turned to see a familiar sight. Kaorin was the most relieved of them all at the new arrival. Finally, Kimura would leave her alone. "Mrs. Kimura," she sighed.
"Darling!" The woman gushed as she ran into the room and tried to leap upon her true love.
Yoshi held up a hand that made her come to an abrupt stop in front of him. "Now, now, you know how I dislike public displays of affection."
"Sorry, dear." She bowed before him.
Eight jaws dropped in disbelief at the sight.
Yukari was the first to find her voice as she turned to Kimura. "Wh… why is your wife trying to grab my brother and call him Darling?"
Kimura looked around the room wildly, his eyes moving right past the newcomer before coming back to rest at Yukari. "My wife isn't here."
"She's right there!" Yukari pointed at the woman standing next to her brother.
Kimura looked directly at the woman Yukari was pointing to. He stared for a moment, then turned back to Yukari. "I still don't see her."
"There! There!" Yukari shouted loudly. "Are your glasses foggy?!"
Kimura removed his glasses, wiped them off, and put them back on his face. "Nope, they're fine. Maybe you need a prescription."
Yukari and Tomo teamed up, grabbing Kimura's head and dragging him until his face was only inches away from the woman.
"How about now?!" Yukari shouted maniacally.
"I'm sure I'd notice if my wife was here."
The woman shifted her lovestruck face away from Yoshi and looked at Kimura in a mixture of surprise and delight. "Brother-in-law, I didn't even see you there!"
Everyone's shock, impossibly, doubled.
Kimura stared at her closely. "Do I know you?"
"Silly, I'm Maya, your wife's twin sister."
"Ah, I didn't recognize you," Kimura said.
All other emotions, distaste, fear, disgust were blotted out among the women as they stared in disbelief, not even Chiyo's mind able to truly grasp what was happening.
Yoshi turned to Yukari. "This is why I came by for a visit. I wanted to introduce you to my fiancée, Maya."
Maya bowed before Yukari. "Hello, it's so nice to meet you. Yoshi's told me everything about you. Even your measurements. They're pretty impressive."
"Huh?" Was all Yukari could manage.
"But you can't be getting married. You were hitting on every girl here," Nyamo shouted as she too found her voice.
Yoshi stared at her in confusion. "I wasn't doing anything of the kind."
"Yes, you were!" Nyamo shouted as all the girls nodded their heads in agreement.
"I was just being friendly," Yoshi insisted.
Maya agreed. "It's true. While he's friendly around women, he's not the least bit romantically inclined. I had to ask him out in order to get him to date me."
"Actually, I think of myself as being quite shy," Yoshi added.
Tomo was the first to say what everyone was thinking. "Wow! She really is related to Mrs. Kimura. Only someone as messed up as her could marry something like him."
The others nodded in agreement.
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