Chapter 1: READY?! GO!!!
A Sailor V / Nuke 'Em Til They Glow!! crossover story
by Benjamin A. Oliver
Disclaimer: Sailor Moon and Sailor V are owned by Takeuchi Naoko.
It was a typical day in London.
Well, typical for a smoggy day in the nineteenth century where the coal smoke gave all the visitors a lovely case of highly malignant lung cancer in less than one hour flat.
Unfortunately, it was in the late twentieth century, and the date was April 1, 19XX. It was a very ambiguous year. Moreover, it would seem that someone was playing an extraordinarily cruel April Fool's Day prank.
This particular English prank, thus initiated in the Year of Our Lord Nineteen Hundred and Some, involved blotting out the sun, sending a horde of rather unpleasant beasties of the undead variety to torment the populace amidst a thick, foul-smelling black fog.
A jolly, olde, bespectacled Londonite squinted in the dim light and whispered to one of the daemonic creatures, "I say, old chap. Are you from Poland?" He prodded it in the chest with his cane. "You rather look like it. Do you have any sausages by chance?" He laughed in a jovial manner. "Local stuff is just plain bland, I tell you…"
The zombie merely shot the friendly man a broken-toothed, wild-eyed grin, then dove on top of him and started viciously gnawing at his brain.
"My good man? Er, my good man, would you mind removing your teeth from my forehead? My good man!"
All the while, a gigantic, pulsating, floating, organic platform rained down green balls of fiery destruction upon the English city.
This looks like a job for… Superman!!!
Unfortunately, in this particular universe, good old Kal-El's space pod landed instead on Vulcan, where he learned the non-violent ways of logic and became a world-renowned scientist, despite his funny-looking ears.
Who else can save this city? Green Lantern, that's who!
Hmm? Oh. Unfortunately, there was a slip-up, and our favorite test pilot accidentally dropped his power ring down the sink while he was washing his hands one bright midsummer morning. Oh well.
While the alien assault platform punched a few holes in great Big Ben's tower, spilling the ancient pocket change responsible for its normal functioning, everyone wondered who could save them from this senseless tragedy.
Ranma Saotome, the ultra-well-trained martial artist aquatranssexual wonder-boy/girl and all around nice guy, could take care of this threat with three or four ki-blasts! Ranma, come on down!
During the wait, a couple of energy-vampires ran by and picked up a few beautiful, screaming young women and began to run off with them, cackling maniacally.
Eh heh, it looks like Ranma's busy. Something about— what was it? Oh. He's in the future, engaged to Sailor Pluto, and is unavailable for comment.
Well, that's just great. NOW who shall save all these charming Englishmen?!
More importantly, who will save all the Englishwomen?
A charming redheaded specimen of that particular species wondered that exact same thing as she was carried off by a werewolf, no doubt to feast upon her refined voluptuousness. "This happens all the time when I try to go shopping," she muttered in her charming British accent.
In a flash of light, a tan-skinned, orange-haired girl appeared atop a tall building. She had on a cutesy pink, blue, white, and red sailor suit with bows and ribbons. On her shoulders were small, circular emblems with the colors from the flags of France, the fashion capital of the world.
Before even bothering to scout out her position, the girl instantly went through a series of overdone, vertebrae-popping, super-contorted posing and gestures, all the while exclaiming, "I am the Cute and Fluffy Formerly One-shot Warrior for Love and Justice, Sailor Stylin'! I fight for Beauty and Fashion! None of you Evil, EVIL, Nasty monsters are even CLOSE to being up to date in the Wonderful, Wyld World of Fashion Design! On behalf of Models Everywhere, I will—GWAAAAH!!!"
The gigantic alien assault platform interrupted Sailor Stylin's speech by blasting away the portion of roof she had been standing on.
The werewolf paid her no mind, running off with unspeakable things in its mind to do to its captive.
"Help, I say," the redhead's upper-class, accented cry faded into the distance. "Oh, help?"
"Hey, they can't do that!" the Cute and Fluffy Sailor muttered to herself in a shocked voice, obviously considering herself the target of a very serious faux pas. Quick to react, she pointed her hand at another building as she tumbled downward and cried, "Stylin'," she tossed her head, "Tough'n'Puffy Bow-Ribbons!"
A yellow ribbon shot out from her hand and wrapped around a conveniently placed flagpole. Using the makeshift rope, she swung downward, the ribbon elongating sufficiently enough to allow for a soft landing.
Or, it would have allowed her a soft landing had a razorwinged vampire not screeched in her path, cutting the ribbon. The gaunt, pale-skinned creature bared its fangs and swooped downward to catch her and flew upwards, hissing in triumph.
"Being handled like this is WAAAY out of style!" Stylin' protested, prying an arm out of the monster's grasp with her special, copyrighted, Limp-Wristed, Double-Jointed-Appendage-Twirling Karate-Shifting Action. She pointed her freed hand at the creature's face. "Stylin' Barrette Barrage!"
A smattering of sparks, shaped vaguely like small hair barrettes, blasted into the vampire's face, badly damaging its eyes.
Howling in pain, the beast let go of its captive, allowing her to fall once more.
"That's how my daddy taught me to deal with evil nasties like you!" Sailor Stylin' proclaimed, shaking a fist up at the monster. She paused, suddenly noticing that she was falling a little too fast for her to be able to stop herself. "WAAAAAH!"
An instant before the girl would have hit the pavement, another young woman leapt out of a second-story window, caught her, and made a single forward somersault through an open window on the other side of the narrow street.
The newcomer was dressed in a girl's sailor suit. The blouse was white and had a pair of jutting shoulder-guards, a blue sailor collar with a large red bow in the front, and panels of red to the sides. The blouse remained unconnected to her short blue skirt and moved in the wind. She also had a pair of blue high-heels and wore a red bow in her long blonde hair. A red mask that looked like an oversized pair of glasses covered her eyes.
"Mina-san!" Stylin' exclaimed, throwing her arms around her friend. "Thank-you-thank-you, THANK YOU!"
"Shhh," Mina said, putting a finger to her lips before letting go of Stylin' and allowing her to stand. "Call me Sailor V right now," she added peering at the girl who was exactly her height and build, "and where's your mask?"
"Oh, come on," Stylin' sighed, "masks are so last week!"
Sailor V smiled at that. "It sure is nice to see you're keeping up on these things."
Stylin' nodded proudly. "Umm-hmm!"
V tightened her yellow-rimmed elbow-length white gloves, adjusted her mask, put her hands on the windowsill and stuck her head out to see what was going on. She whistled before coming back in. "Wow, it really looks bad out there, doesn't it?"
Stylin' shook her head. "No, it's never bad. Daddy always says that the tougher things look, the more fun they are to blow up later. And," she tossed her long hair back with a flick of her wrist, "that it's better to look good, than feel good."
"That's the spirit! Never give up," V said, patting her friend on the shoulder. She took out her compact and clicked it open, holding it just far enough out the window so she could catch the glint of the red fireworks blasting outside and still be able to see the mirror. "Ouch, this is going to be rough. There's a whole bunch of 'em out there."
"Sailor V!" a white cat called over to them from outside. The gold crescent moon mark on his forehead gleamed as he approached.
"Artemis!" V breathed, going back over to the window. "What do you think of London? Nice place to visit, huh?"
Artemis laughed nervously. "Yeah, a great tourist spot, isn't it?" He looked around at the destruction being caused before saying, "Okay, I've scouted around and it looks like they're centered just below the UFO. There's a really big, shadowy guy going in and out. It looks like he's at the root of all this!"
"All righty, then!" V replied enthusiastically, slapping a fist into her palm. "We've gotta go blast that guy!"
The white moon cat glanced past V to see Stylin'. "Oh! You again. Are you still willing to help Sailor V? No one would think less of you if you wanted to back out now." He shook his head and looked down. "I never expected THIS to happen. Not yet, at least…"
Stylin' mimicked her friend's action by slamming a gloved fist into her other hand and shook her head. "I'm not backing out. V's my friend, and if there's one thing my daddy taught me, it's perseverance."
Artemis breathed a sigh of relief. "Well, your father taught you well, whoever he is. Too bad he's not here to help us in this fight. There's a ring of guards and monsters around the boss-guy. It's going to be a tough battle just to get through them."
"Sailor S," V began, then paused, "we agreed we were calling you S for now, right?"
Stylin' nodded. "The name's in vogue, so Sailor S it is!"
"Right. S," the blonde continued, pointing out the window toward the UFO. "Do you think you're up to teleporting up to that guy and taking him out?"
"I can certainly try," the fourteen-year-old with orange hair replied.
Artemis's eyes lit up. He hopped up to a flowerbox on the wall, and from there, leapt into the room where S and V were standing. "I just remembered something I have that might help."
The cat made a flip in the air.
In a puff of magical dust, a short sword with an elegant handle and engravings on the blade appeared and fell lightly to the floor.
"Take this," Artemis told S. "It's the Crystal Wink Sword. Technically, it's Sailor V's, but if you can get in close to the leader, this might give you the advantage you'll need to stop him."
"Artemis!" V nearly shouted at her beloved pet, putting her hands on her hips. "If you had that all along, then why didn't you give it to me?!"
A large drop of sweat appeared on the cat's brow. "Uhh… I… errr." He quickly regained his composure. "You seemed to be doing well enough before without it."
V folded her arms and glared at Artemis. "Oh, is that so?" she asked in a deathly quiet voice.
"Okay, okay!" Artemis finally admitted. "I forgot about it!"
Sailor Stylin' paid no attention to the squabble between the other girl and her cat. Instead, she squealed in delight and picked up the Crystal Wink Sword. "Oh, neat! It's perfect to complete my outfit!" In the next instant, a pink sheath with stars on it appeared on her back. She reached over her shoulder and slid the blade into its new holder. She clasped her hands together, smiling brightly. "Yeah! It's powerful, too. I can feel it."
"Oh, all right," Sailor V said, then turned and looked her friend in the eyes. "Are you ready?"
"Ready or not," S replied, puffing out her chest, "I wanna make my daddy proud!"
"Things are getting worse," Artemis said, glancing down the street. A team of zombies with football equipment and numbers on their shirts was going for a touchdown straight through the street below. "You have to go right now. We'll catch up with you if we can."
Stylin' nodded. "Right!"
The Cute and Fluffy Formerly One-shot Senshi struck another pose and put the fingers of her right hand in the V for Victory sign.
Stylin' disappeared in a wash of light and the sound of rushing air.
"Here's hoping she can do it," Artemis muttered under his breath.
Sailor V leapt out the window and effortlessly landed on the ground. She held up a fist. "All right, Artemis, let's see what WE can do in the meantime!"
Downtown London was a mess.
Apart from the litter and the architecture that had fallen into disrepair, huge, gaping holes had been blasted into the old and famous landmarks. Vampires, zombies, and other assorted creatures rampaged their way through the broken-down buildings while the strange, living platform hovered above it all, continuing to wreak havoc with each passing minute.
As it stood, Big Ben was in shambles, the Thames was full of the floating, squirming bodies of zombies, and the Piccadilly Circus had REALLY been turned into a circus.
It would have been nice to see some British fighter aircraft going after the unidentified flying object and shoot a few missiles at it. The poor, mundane fighters would have gotten blown up in the process, but hey, that's what they're for.
However, with the thick fog and all the other startling, dangerous events to deal with, no planes had managed to get off the ground. The roiling black mist had also mystically blocked all known radio frequencies. This also had an unfortunate side-effect: keeping everyone from realizing that the tenth caller had already won the weekend trip to Bermuda, and so continued to frantically redial, jamming all of the phone lines.
Still, the simple fact of Sailor Stylin's parentage endowed her with incredible powers of tenacity. In a dogged effort, she managed to cut through all the mystic blockage and transport herself, in the form of a column of energy, past the UFO's defense perimeter and within a few dozen meters of the boss.
Through the fog, Stylin' could barely see anything, but thanks to her second-generation Knight in Shining Armor energy matrix, she could feel where everyone stood, fog or no fog.
An angry screech nearby alerted her to the fact that the monsters, too, could feel her presence.
With a flourish, Sailor S unsheathed the Crystal Wink Sword. "Stay back!" she warned. "My daddy sword-fights! Don't make me take you out, you bad, bad, EVIL, nasty rejects from a fashion-show, you!"
It was difficult to tell, given the obvious cultural barriers that separated her from the vampires, but it sounded to S like they were laughing at her.
"Humph!" Stylin' huffed, and began to run past the creatures that surrounded her. When she sensed a monster's approach, she instinctively cut with her new blade in an arc that she tried not to think would cause maximum damage to her attackers. After all, fashion design was her preferred venue, not destruction.
Then she recalled the garish outfits that the monsters had been wearing and realized that whatever she did, it could only be an improvement. "Yeah!" she congratulated herself silently. "Time to lay down the law, in the name of the Fashion Police!" She went through several poses as she swung her sword.
When the howls and screeches cut the air, she knew she had scored several direct hits. "Haaaa!" she cried and doubled back. Slashing low, she sliced out the knees of their jeans before continuing on toward her destination.
"In the name of models everywhere," she cried, her voice faltering from the stress of being found among so many with no semblance of a fashion sense, "I will punish you—!"
Suddenly the fog cleared, giving way to a circular space just below the glowing bottom of the serpentine flying saucer.
A flesh-eating zombie rushed out of the fog behind her.
"EEEP!" Stylin' yelped before reflexively twirling around and chopping the monster into a dozen wafer-sized sections, which fell to the ground and burned with an unholy red fire until only ash remained.
"Wow," the girl whispered to herself while looking down at the Wink Sword, "either this sword's REALLY magical or Daddy fought a LOT better than I thought." She paused. "Fought… Thought." She giggled. "Hey, that rhymes!"
A wolf-man's growl caught Stylin's attention.
Stylin's eyes went wide. "Yaaah!" She ducked a slash of the monster's claws, sidestepped its fierce bite, and stabbed it through the heart.
The wolf-guy's mouth went wide. It backed away, sliding off of Stylin's magical sword before stumbling back into the darkness, whimpering pathetically.
Before it left, Stylin' slashed a stylized 'S' into the back of its shirt. "Let that be a lesson to you!" She struck a victory pose. "Sailor S says: Eat right and dress tight!" She covered her mouth and repressed a giggle. "I LOVE rhyming!"
The sharp-winged vampire from earlier swooped into the clearing, and upon seeing Sailor S, it flew downwards, licking its lips and opening its fanged mouth wide in anticipation of its next meal.
"You know," Stylin' said as the monster approached, "Kain had STYLE when he drank blood! That psionic sucking thing he did was AWESOME." She stuck out her lower lip. "What you're doing is sooo middle ages! GWAAH!" When the vampire neared, she wedged her eyes shut and quickly lifted her sword in a fluid, practiced arc.
There was an explosion of magic, a confused scream, a squelching noise, and finally a crash behind her.
The girl tentatively opened her eyes, then looked down to see the vampire's severed wing twitching reflexively by her feet before bursting into flames and disintegrating.
S blinked. "Gosh…" She checked the sword's blade. It was still spotless, glistening despite the lack of light surrounding it.
Sailor Stylin' froze when she felt the temperature drop several degrees. She turned around to see the center of the UFO glow a deep shade of red. A pillar of darkness descended from above and gradually coalesced into a very large and frightening shape.
Standing at least three and a half meters tall, with huge, muscular arms, sharp claws, a shining forehead, and big teeth, was a lizard-like titan. Though its appendages were huge and looked very dangerous, perhaps its most frightening feature was its yellow, glowing, slitted eyes. Scales covered every inch of its thick, black hide.
Acting on an unfamiliar instinct, the girl barely managed to avoid being cut to ribbons when the monstrosity launched itself at her, swinging its claws wildly. It moved so quickly that its image blurred while it dashed along.
"Yah!" Sailor S brought up her sword in an effort to slash into the beast, but it moved much faster than she, hitting her with the back of its hand with sufficient force to send her sprawling across the plaza.
"Owwwwwwwwww," Stylin whispered, trying to ignore the large scrapes on her right leg. She tightened her grip on her sword and stood back up, preparing to execute what she considered a REALLY neat dashing sword maneuver that involved leaping over her opponent's head and stabbing it from behind.
She didn't even get the chance to start. Her opponent was very large, but that did not seem to slow it down at all. The creature performed exactly the same maneuver as before.
This time, instead of dodging, S parried with her sword. The crackling sound of magically enhanced metal against something even harder echoed throughout the clearing. Each lightning-fast strike forced the girl back half a meter.
Finally, the beast stood still, raising its gigantic arms and uttering something unintelligible in its deep, guttural voice.
Taking advantage of the opening, Stylin' slashed downward at her foe. "Yah!"
Her sword parted flesh on its way through, but the creature didn't seem to notice.
The girl continued with a wide, powerful diagonal cut from its shoulder to its lower torso. "Hoo!"
Again, the monster paid no attention to her strike.
Stylin' dove closer for a deeper swing, crying out, "HAAA!"
This time, her sword stopped halfway through, and stuck there.
Stylin' frowned, then looked up into the lizard-man's face.
The monster was grinning.
One might ask what it's like to be hit by a bolt of lightning. It's an interesting sort of proposition. Remember when you were a little kid and liked to stick long metal things into electrical sockets? Crochet hooks are especially effective, but a foil chewing gum wrapper will do in a pinch.
In any case, when one touches those fun little pieces of metal together, a jolt of a few hundred volts comes blasting through the entry point, down the rest of the body, and out whatever is touching the ground.
On the other hand, when a bolt of lightning hits a person, he or she gets an absolutely delightful shock of a million volts or so directly to the head, generating a healthy, happy current, which travels through the body and exits out the recipient's big toe, often blackening his or her shoes on the way out.
It's an interesting fact to know that such an event does not always instantly kill the one struck. It merely cooks an individual like a ballpark frank and leaves one feeling like an old, rough leather suitcase that's just about ready to be cut apart and made into cheap belts to be sold at a garage sale.
This was more or less what Sailor Stylin' felt at the moment when the titanic lizard lowered its huge hands and simultaneously touched both of her shoulders.
The intense feeling of electrocution seared through the girl's body, and it was only ten seconds later, when her vision finally showed a color other than red, that she noticed she had been knocked away into a nearby telephone pole, which had splintered and fallen down from the impact of her body against it.
She did not think about the danger of fallen electrical cables, nor of what a horrible sort of predicament she was in, or even about the damage that must have been done to her body in the process.
Her thoughts at that moment consisted of exactly one letter, found on a standard keyboard just below the Q and right above the Z, and repeated in close succession for several pages.
Then she thought, "I just got this suit! He's gonna PAY!!! Well, at least for the dry cleaning…"
When the pain and outrage began to die down, Stylin' found, not surprisingly, that she couldn't move. She could, however, hear the heavy footsteps of the monster draw near, and could feel, numbly, its cold fingers as it grabbed her by the waist and effortlessly lifted her into the air before it.
Stylin' used all her might to look up at the creature's face, and saw its cruel grin. To her surprise, it began to speak.
"You worthless little being," it whispered in a low, grating voice, "did you really think you could defeat Nausteemaun? Eighth Ruler of the Horrid Chaos Dimension From Whence There Is No Return?!"
In the distance, Stylin' could hear the high-pitched hum of what sounded like a steadily charging capacitor.
"Crescent Beam," a distant voice intoned.
Nausteemaun looked over to where the voice had originated.
A beam of solid golden light shot out of the fog and cut into Nausteemaun's arm, severing it from his body and blasting him back several meters.
Stylin' was at once freed from the creature's grasp. The large, displaced appendage fell off of her into a puddle of evaporating black goo.
Sailor V rushed out of the fog and placed herself between the beast and her friend. "I am Sailor V!" she announced. "And you're SCONES!"
"Toast," S corrected weakly.
V shrugged, held up her compact and pointed it at Nausteemaun. "Crescent Beam…"
The giant, now-one-armed lizard growled in pain and looked at the two girls in a disgusted manner.
"SMASH!" V finished in a dramatic manner, firing off another laser beam at her enemy.
Its image blurring, the beast leapt up into the red, glowing section of the UFO, barely avoiding the beam and disappearing instantly into the unidentified craft.
Drawing the black fog into itself, the floating ship rose higher into the air, going several hundred meters in just a few seconds before vanishing entirely.
The rising sun chose that moment to peek over the horizon, bringing a soft, comforting light to the previously ominous scenery.
Both V and Stylin' breathed a heavy sigh of relief.
"I guess," Stylin' whispered, managing to sit up, "I wasn't strong enough to beat it…" She looked down and closed her eyes, a tear going down her cheek. "I wanted to help… you know, do stuff that'd make Daddy proud of me when I went back to see him." She shook her head. "But I guess I'm not—"
"Hey, take it easy, girlfriend," V cut in, putting a hand on her friend's shoulder and showing a friendly, supportive smile. "You did great!"
Stylin' dried her tears and looked up at V. "You mean it?"
V nodded. "Of course I do!"
Artemis hopped out of the ruin of a building and ran up to them. "Wonderful job, girls!" he called out to them. "The other monsters are gone, and everything's back to normal." He cautiously stepped over a chunk of Big Ben. "Well, sort of…"
Looking around, V gave a shrug. "Eh. It was worse after last year's World Cup play-off. They'll have this place fixed up in no time."
"It sure was brave of you to try and take on that guy by yourself," the cat added.
"Thanks, Artemis," Stylin' said, struggling to her feet. V helped her keep her balance. "Oh! Your sword." She bent down to pick up the Crystal Wink Sword. It was light enough not to affect her balance. She held it up for V to take. "Artemis said it was yours, didn't he?"
V held up her hand in a gesture of refusal. "Naah, keep it." She shrugged while continuing to smile. "I'm not all that great with a sword, anyway."
Stylin' smiled as she was permitted to keep the blade. She paused to sheathe it in the scabbard on her back. "Thanks!"
Artemis nodded. "Yeah, I guess that'll be okay. Just don't run off with it."
The blonde glared at her cat. "Hey! She wouldn't do a thing like that." She looked at the other girl. "Right?"
"As long as we're alive, I'm sticking with you," Stylin' declared.
V high-fived S. "Yeah!"
"Well," Artemis continued, "Mina and I need to get home. School's going to start in an hour." He paused, noticing anew the wreckage surrounding them. "Maybe, if they haven't cancelled it…"
"If they haven't," V added, "we'll meet up at school. If they have, we'll meet in the park, okay?"
Stylin' swallowed hard and nodded, catching her breath. "Right. I'll meet you there. I need to get home, too." She waved. "Bye!"
"See you later," Artemis and Sailor V said together.
The Cute and Fluffy Formerly One-shot Senshi flashed a victory sign, and disappeared in a wash of light.
"I've REALLY got to get her to teach me how she does that sometime," Sailor V commented, then yawned and stretched her arms. "But first, I need a nap. I hate having to get up so early…"
Now it's time for…
Sailor Stylin's tip for the day! YAAAY!!! (twitch-twitch)
(Scene of Nausteemaun sneering at Sailor S)
"Sometimes, people just don't appreciate a good outfit when they see one…"
(Scene of a vampire hauling off a voluptuous Englishwoman)
"But sometimes they do."
(Scene of Artemis making the Crystal Wink Sword appear)
"Lots of your friends'll be willing to help you accessorize…"
(Scene of a big, fluffy white seal taking one look at Stylin's new outfit, then lowering his head and groaning in utter depression)
"And then you can have fun critiquing each other!"
(Scene of Sailors S and V in dramatic poses, winking with their fingers in the V for Victory sign)
"And that's Sailor Stylin's tip for the day. Tee-hee!"
(Ending Credits, to the beat of Robotech's "We Will Win," sung by a delightfully dubbed Lynne Minmay)
Author's notes: Hoooooooooo-kaaaaaaaaaay, did anyone else make it out alive?
I've had this idea for a few years, but it sort of died out due to lack of time and a seeming lack of interest.
It's pretty much all up in the air until I get an idea of what sort of series we want. THEN we can have some fun with it! ^_^
Big thanks to:
Benjamin A. Oliver
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