Disclaimer: Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon belongs to Takeuchi Naoko, Koudansha, TV Asahi, Toei Animation, and DIC. Dragonball Z is owned by Akira Toriyama, Bird Studio, Toei Animation and Funimation.

Last time: When we last left Phil, Ralph and Sailor Planet X, they were lumped together to form special unit 5 (SU5).

Part 7: A Match Made in Hell

Einstein was correct: time is relative. Although only a week had passed since the Zerg invasion in the Sailor Moon universe, nearly half a year had gone by for SU5. In that time, they developed a reputation as an elite unit. Phil grew stronger in his chi power, with an approximate power level of 50,000, as opposed to his previous 15,000. Ralph was a midlevel mage, and had learned a few Jedi tricks. However, he limited his reliance on the Force to avoid the temptations of the Dark Side. Sailor Planet X, after long months and heated debates, had finally acknowledged that she was not one of the original Silver Millennium warriors. However, she had basic abilities in magic and chi, both of which developed significantly. She also took the nickname "Ecks."

The universal collapse predicted by O'Connor was mostly avoided. A few universes ceased to exist, but more on that later. However, wormholes between dimensions became more frequent, a possible aftereffect of Ralph's microwave.

We find SU5 in a familiar cantina on the planet Tatooine in universe SW-T6-5AN-LU. They were engaged in a card game of some sort. To Phil's left were Han Solo and man in a yellow-and-black jumpsuit, who was trying to look down Ecks' shirt.

Ralph suddenly threw four computerized chips into the stabilizing field in the middle of the table. "Sabaac!"

Sabaac, a combination of poker and blackjack, was played throughout the various Star Wars universes. Basically, one attempted to get a score of 23 in either positive or negative. What made the game challenging was that the chips in the deck randomly changed. What might be a score of 22 one second could randomly morph into a 5. Once one put the chips within the stabilizing field, they were fixed. If nobody got 23, the highest score won.

The other players threw down their chips in disgust. Ralph raked in a small pile of credit chips. Phil began to shuffle again. "So, Kirk, you still in?" They had "borrowed" the captain after a transporter malfunction. He would soon return and tell the crew of his odd visit to a parallel world.

The man was distracted from his efforts to get an eyeful. "Your game… intrigues me. Although… the Federation places no value on… material wealth… I feel this strange… need… to continue."

"Looks like we got ourselves an addict. What about you, Solo?"

"Sure, I have credits to burn. But make it quick. I just made this deal to take a couple of suckers to Alderaan for 17 thousand. One easy job, and I can pay off Jabba. Then I can finally get back to my life." Phil and Ralph both smirked at this. Ecks took it in stride, mainly because they always seemed to know something nobody else did. As Phil passed out the chips, Ralph attempted to use the Force to foresee the near future. He foresaw a loss for himself, so he folded.

Han turned to Phil. "It's weird. It's like he only plays when he knows he'll win. If I hadn't checked him myself, I would say he was cheating." He tossed a couple of credit chips into the growing pot. Ecks, Kirk and Phil did the same. After taking another chip, Phil had to restrain himself. An idiot's array! It consisted of three chips, a 0, a 2 and a 3. When read, they made 23, much like a stupid person would add 2 and 3. It was the most decisive hand in Sabaac. Now to milk it for all it was worth…

Unfortunately, it was at this exact second that Phil's pager beeped. He picked it up and looked at it. He cursed in fluent Huttese. "Ralph, Ecks, grab Kirk and let’s get out of here. Our ride's coming out back." He left the large pot behind in his rush. Han simply grinned to himself and raked it in.

SU5 burst into O'Connor's cubicle. Phil was dressed as he had always been, with a green police uniform and his army helmet. Ralph had traded in his pink suit for a simple brown robe. A lightsaber dangled from his belt. Ecks hadn't changed her black Sailor Fuku, despite Phil's complaint that it wasn't practical. All three saluted.

The Alex Trebec look-alike acknowledged them. "At ease. Take a seat."

They did so. "This is quite possibly your most vital mission yet." He handed Phil an envelope. "You have to move quickly, so listen up. I got a message a few moments ago. The code indicates that it's from the future. It says that it is vital that you ensure the Gohan and Usagi get together."

Ralph's eyebrow rose. "With all due respect, sir, they exist in several realities, but not in the same dimensions. Are we supposed to abduct Usagi and take her over there, or what?"

"This is new development. Apparently, the reaction that we stopped still is having effects. This morning, universe WN-BF4-4791-SM merged with universe DB-Z3-AC20-WK. Computer estimates indicate that there are several other dimensions starting to merge with them as well. What we have here is the start of the most complete F-class dimension ever. All energy fields will be present, and in great abundance. Somehow, the cataclysmic reaction that occurs when various laws of physics collide is not occurring. It may have something to do with the basic similarity between the merging worlds, but that is only a theory. It has been re-designated FC-1. We think it has to do with the sheer number of rifts that occurred between those worlds. So many occurred that the walls between those worlds shattered. Only people unique to one universe or another remained unchanged. Others are combinations of their various incarnations. Whatever is causing this, and whatever the results, the letter says that it is vital that we get Gohan and Usagi to fall in love while causing the least damage to either timeline. Since the Sailor Moon universe has been turned upside down by Kerrigan, try to focus more on saving the Dragon Ball Z timeline."

"So, Chibi-Usa is Gohan's kid? What about Videl?"

"Unfortunately, the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. And she goes by GoChibi these days. As for the rest of the world, Gohan will be a good ruler, according to the message. You need to play matchmaker. I assume you're fully stocked?"

"Yes, sir!"

"Then move it! And remember: the future counts on you."

As SU5 left, O'Connor regretted being unable to tell them everything. However, according to Sector Commander O'Connor's message, it was vital that they know as little as possible in order to preserve the future. Chief O'Connor grinned to himself. I have seen the future, and it looks good!

As SU5 strode down the hall, Ecks queried her commander, "So, what's the plan?"

"I've been thinking about that. I figure the best way to start is to determine how far along the DBZ universe was before it combined with the others. Gohan's age will play a major role in how we do this. If he's too young, we'll have to wait and go into the future. If he's already met Videl, we'll have to find a way to break them up. However, Gohan has a good head on his shoulders. He would probably send his daughter back to after that nasty business with Cell. But, we'll just have to see." He addressed Ralph, "Hey, Potato Head, got that chloroform?"

The Idahoan mage glared angrily at Phil. "Look, just because I'm from Idaho doesn't mean I'm some sort of spud-obsessed maniac! I don't even like potatoes! Oh, and yes." From his oversized right sleeve he pulled out a bottle. It proudly read, "ACME Brand Chloroform: The Choice of Kidnappers Everywhere."

With an evil grin spreading across his face, Phil steepled his fingers. "Excellent, Smithers. I mean Ralph." He suddenly looked up and began to cackle madly.

Again, Ecks opted not to ask.

Universe WN-BF4-4791-SM
Usagi's Room

"Gohan. Why does that name sound familiar?"

"I think I heard it on TV once… during that whole Cell thing."

Usagi's brow furrowed. "Why weren't we involved in that?"

Ami snorted. "We were about nine at the time."

Usagi had a chagrined look on her face. "Oh, yeah."

Suddenly, Rei's face brightened. "Hey, he was one of those blonde warriors. Y'know, the ones that Hercule said were tricksters?"

GoChibi began to giggle. "Dad always told me not to believe what I saw on television. Silly, Daddy was the one who beat Cell."

"But I thought Hercule was the strongest man on Earth!"

"That idiot couldn't beat Grandma Chichi! If dad hadn't wanted to live a private life, he wouldn't have let him get away with it."

"Oh."

It was at this moment that another hole in the space-time continuum opened in Usagi's bedroom. The girls, long since desensitized to big red portals coming out of thin air, all thought the same thing. What now?

First came Ecks. She landed and attempted to bend her legs to absorb the impact. Unfortunately, high-heel shoes were not designed to absorb shock. She hit the ground and bounced into a convenient pile of stuffed animals.

Usagi pointed at the demi-Senshi. "Hey, I just got done alphabetizing those last month!" Ami made a mental note to remind her friend that she didn't know her alphabet well enough to do that.

Next came Ralph. The mage used a spell to gently float to the ground. His face shrouded by his cloak, he adopted a deep voice. "Obi-Wan never did tell you about your father."

Rei, having lived with her grandpa for most of her life, responded, "He died in a plane crash when I was little." A tear rolled down her cheek.

"Aw, jeez! That about covers it, but sorry!" Try to make a joke and look what happens!

Ami looked at him with a perplexed look on her face. "Ralph? When did you learn Japanese?"

He tapped a small device embedded in his ear. "Universal translator. Never leave home without one."

Finally, Phil came through. Unlike the others, his landing was completely uneventful. However, immediately following said landing, GoChibi let out a squeal of joy. "Phil-chan!" She leapt into the air and wrapped herself around the surprised Policeman's head and neck. "It's so good to see you!"

Realizing he would be crushed if he didn't act quickly, Phil powered up. Even reaching his full level, he was still struggling to breathe. Can't… breathe! Only… one… hope! Everybody in the room heard a muffled, "Kaio-Ken times twenty!" All were knocked back as a wave of power shook the house. Throughout the neighborhood, the various denizens of Juuban calmly ducked under a desk or table. A few continued to play their advanced video games while their cheap housing shook back and forth around them. On the tectonically active island of Japan, in a ward of the city where Godzilla and various Demon Lords liked to visit, this relatively minor quake didn't even faze them.

Using his full strength, Phil managed to force the affectionate GoChibi off of his face. Gasping for precious oxygen, he looked at the source of the attack. "GoChibi? What the…?"

She smacked herself on the forehead. "I keep forgetting. You're not my Godfather yet. Sorry. I thought you were stronger than that."

Still recovering from the little girl's attack, he angrily retorted, "Who are you calling weak?" Then her previous statement caught his attention. "Godfather?"

"Yeah, that happens in a few years when I'm born."

"I… see…" D'oh! Chained to the super-ditz's foul spawn!

Usagi and the others got to their feet. "What was that?"

"Kaio-Ken. Increases my power for short bursts."

"Ah." Once again, Ami was lost and didn't like it.

He turned to face Usagi. "All right, meatball head, you're coming with me."

"Huh? Where? Why?"

"My mission is to make sure you meet Gohan." May God have mercy on his soul. "Hey, GoChibi, did your parents tell you where they meet?"

"Yeah, the World Martial Arts Tournament."

"Good, Gohan is all grown up. Do you know when that is?"

"We have about a week. Dad thought it would be a good idea to give you plenty of time."

"Hey, Usagi, aren't you and the others on summer vacation?"

"Uh, yeah."

"How very convenient." He turned to face super-ditz. "You're coming with me."

Of course, Minako and Makoto were all starry-eyed. In a dreamy voice, the latter said, "Wow. Fated love. How romantic. You'll need our help, Phil. We're romance experts!"

Ralph chuckled. "You girls are all boy-crazy, but when was the last time any of you had an actual boyfriend?" Usagi raised her hand. "Who isn't dead." She lowered her arm. "Okay, how about a date?" No response. "I rest my case."

Usagi crossed her arms across her chest. "I'm not going!"

Phil's eye twitched. "What did you say?"

"Martial arts are icky! Only sweaty, egotistical morons do it!"

"OK, plan B. Ralph, the chloroform, if you please?" The mage handed Phil the bottle. Pulling a rag from his utility belt, he doused it with the liquid. "Here, smell this."

Ami immediately stepped between her friend and the Physics Policeman. "Wait! It'll knock you out!"

Phil knew how to deal with that. "It smells like chocolate."

"Gimme!" Pushing past a protesting Ami, Usagi grabbed the bottle, shoved it up her nose and inhaled. She was instantly in dreamland.

"Once again, foiled by her Achilles heel."

Rei lifted her transformation pen into the air. "You won't take her if she doesn't want to go! Sailor Mars Transformation!" As the various Senshi had their clothes replaced by the ridiculous fuku, Ralph grinned.

"Now we get to have some fun!" He raised his hand, palm outstretched, toward Sailor Jupiter. "Ide E'oul liivan!" The spell sent a bolt of energy into the tall brunette. She was hurled backwards through the wall.

"Planet X Beam!" From Ecks' crystal shot an energy blast similar to Ralph's. The bolt dropped Sailor Mercury where she stood.

Phil simply walked towards Mars and Venus.

"Mars Fire Ignite!"

"Venus Love Chain!"

He simply shrugged away the fire and energy hearts. He came within arms length of the magical girls.

"Here's a little something I learned from Spock. Vulcan nerve pinch!" He struck out with both hands, catching the young girls where their shoulders met their necks. Both collapsed instantly.

"Are we done yet?"

"Yes, GoChibi. You've been very patient." Already he liked this girl. The original would have been stupid enough to attack with the Senshi. "Ralph, grab Ms. Chocoholic over there and let’s go!"

"Where are we going?"

"Kami's Lookout. We need to borrow the Hyperbolic Time Chamber."

With that, those still conscious left through the window.

To be continued.

Webmaster: Larry F
Last revision: January 7, 2006