Disclaimer: Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon belongs to Takeuchi Naoko, Koudansha, TV Asahi, Toei Animation, and DIC. Dragonball Z is owned by Akira Toriyama, Bird Studio, Toei Animation and Funimation.

Last time on the Ballad of the Physics Police: All seemed lost. With Tuxedo Mask dead, and Phil drained of all of his chi, it looked as though the evil Kerrigan would begin anew the cycle of death and destruction in a new universe. Yet, just as it seemed that all was lost, a new figure appeared, Sailor Planet X! The ersatz Senshi, with no planet to her name, was given two options: either join the Physics Police, or spend five years in prison for the unlicensed use of her powers. Seeing that neither option was ideal, she selected the former. Now, Chief O’Connor has just informed Phil that both Ralph and Ecks have been placed under his direct command? What will happen next? Look and see!

Part 6: The Comedy Strikes Back

"Chief, why do you hate me?"

"Phil? I don't hate you."

"Yes, you do! Every time I turn around, I have to fight the evil devil monsters of Planet Drakon or something, and Warren is in charge of guarding the supermodels they want to abduct for their breeding or something. Why does he always get the easy jobs?"

Chief O'Connor began to chuckle. "Just yesterday, Warren was in here asking why you get all of the interesting jobs. And I'm going to tell you the same thing I told him: Warren is an incompetent momma's boy. The odds have to be heavily stacked in his favor, and he still has trouble. We only keep him around because he's Sector Commander Jacob's son. You, on the other hand, are one of our best agents. Some are stronger, but you rank in the top ten. Also, you can think on your feet. Heck, you take techniques it takes others years to master and get it right on your first attempt! That is why you always get the tough jobs.

"But, yesterday, you weren't enough. If it hadn't been for some unexpected support from the Physics Militia, Tuxedo Mask, Sailor Planet X, and even Sailor Jupiter, you'd be dead right about now. Had we sent anybody else, Kerrigan would have ripped him or her apart as easily as she did the Militia. Our tactics just don't take into account an impossibly strong being that didn't violate the laws of physics. When you used your Reality Checker, you doomed yourself. It wasn't entirely your fault. We've trained you since day one to use that thing like a crutch."

"Not everybody can operate without it. But I'm lumping those who can into Special Forces units. They are composed of the following: somebody with chi powers -- you; a mage/Jedi -- Ralph; and somebody who falls in between -- Sailor X. As senior officer, you have command."

"Ralph? A potential Mage? Since when?"

"A DNA test determined that Ralph has an unusually strong ability to draw on manna, which lets him use the Force as well. We have no idea where it came from, since his dimension has very weak energy fields in all respects, so most of the people don't have this kind of power. We've already talked to him, and he's agreed to join on a permanent basis."

"Now it all makes sense. Where are they?"

"I believe that they are in the snack bar on level three. I'll let you talk with them." Phil exited the room.

Level Three, Physics Police Headquarters.

"So, anyways, then I found this pen and jewel in a dumpster. Destiny led me to that dumpster. After the other Senshi appeared, I waited for them to seek me out. But for some reason they never did."

"That might have something to do with the fact that a Planet X would have to exist in order for it to have a Senshi."

"I tell you, I am a Senzu Bean!"

"No more sake for you." He removed the bottle from her hand. Ralph decided to change subjects. "My story is I went to the finest College in Idaho. I was the valedictorian, played football for the team and everybody loved me. Then I met Gertrude. I loved her, and I thought she loved me. We married after college. For some reason, I couldn't get a job anywhere other than Franks Insurance Hut as a janitor. Maybe it was destiny. Maybe I had used up all of my luck at college. Anywho, two days ago, I was going home past a laboratory, and a microwave oven almost hit me in the head. I took it home to find out that Gertrude had left me for some Frenchman named Juan. We were married two weeks! Two! I just don't understand it. Anyways, I plug in the microwave, and I'm zapped to your universe, then zapped here and told that I was going to destroy reality or something. So here I am."

Phil sat on a stool to Ralph's right. "Hey, Phil! Good job with that whole Zerg Invasion thing! I'll enjoy working with you!"

"I won't."

Ralph seemed to ignore Phil's response. Phil decided to change subjects.

"So, Ralph, what have you been up to? I heard about that thing with Johnny Bravo, but that took you five minutes. What about the other ten hours I was gone?"

"Well, somebody from personnel told me I would be good at magic and junk, so I checked out this book from the library." From his back pocket, he pulled a massive volume with the words "Grimorum Achrinorum" written on the cover. "It has all sorts of interesting spells. Watch!" He focused intently on his hand and said, "B'ree em a'Bginr." A beer appeared in his hands in a frosty mug. "Cool, huh? They also gave me this lightsaber and a little pamphlet called the Jedi Code. It has a few techniques, and the librarian said I could study the Jedi Holocron whenever I liked."

"How did you get that book in your back pocket?"

"Somebody named Misty taught me that. It usually only works with mallets, but I used a spell to hide other things there."

"Oh." Phil's wristwatch beeped. O'Connor's voice emanated from it. "Special unit two, there is a disturbance in universe OMG-023-9120-FU. Report to the transporter room immediately."

"You heard the man! Move!" The new team left the snack bar with all possible speed. The bartender, a black Wookie, growled at them about paying their bill. They ran faster. "Well, Phil, looks like we have to find a new bar."

One Week later, Tokyo, Universe WN-BF4-4791-SM

Sailor Moon hadn't left her bed since returning home. Although most would have thought that she had exhausted her supply of tears, occasionally one would roll down her cheek. She was facedown in her pillow when she heard the now familiar sound of a portal opening. She turned her puffy face to face the hole in the space-time continuum. "The Physics Police? What do they want?" It was indeed the characteristic red hue of their portals. However, the spiral of white light was instead green. Those in the Physics Police knew exactly what it meant: it was a Time Hole.

After a few moments, Chibi-Usa fell through. She bent her legs to absorb the impact. Instead of the overly pink costume she normally wore, she was clothed in an orange jumpsuit. She had no gloves, but her feet were clothed in oversized black boots. On the front and back of her shirt, written in bold katakana, was the word "Turtle." What Usagi noticed was a brown, furry tail sticking out the back of her clothes.

She had a simple air about her. Her eyes absorbed all of the data they could, but revealed no mental processes. However, she had a childlike innocence about her. This wasn't surprising, considering that she was a child, but still, she was completely pure in some way. In fact, those who watch Dragon Ball might think of her as a female Goku. "Hi, mom!"

Even Usagi could grasp the significance of this statement. "Mom?"

"Yeah. I've been sent back in time to make sure you and Dad meet. My name's GoChibi." Her stomach rumbled. "I'm hungry. Do you have any food?"

"S-sure. The kitchen is downstairs." As GoChibi left her room by flying, Usagi quickly ran over to her phone. She pressed the speed dial marked "Fire Department". It rang twice. "Hello, Rei? Meeting at my place. Now! Call the others!" She heard banging sounds coming from the kitchen and hung up to supervise her daughter.

Subbasement 7, Physics Police Headquarters, around the same time.

George Sinatra, in no way related to the famous singer, worked at a monitor for the Physics Police. He was approximately 65 years old, and today was his last day. Ever since he had retired from active duty ten years prior, his days were spent monitoring whatever universe he was assigned for the day. He enjoyed his job. He never got the same situation twice, so it was like a perfect, rerun-free television. His favorite events were when a change in history occurred, because they often resulted in humorous circumstances. However, today was the best of his career. He checked the girl's DNA with his long-range scanners, and found out who her father was. He giggled all day because of it, and profusely thanked whatever deity was responsible for sending this event on his last day on the job.

Back in the Sailor Moon Universe:

Usagi raced to the bottom of the stairs and was shocked by what she saw. Even a glutton like her wasn't capable of this kind of destruction. Every cupboard was bare, and various pots and pans littered the ground. The refrigerator door was ripped off of its hinges, and the child had also consumed its contents. GoChibi was napping in the middle of the kitchen, an expression of pure bliss upon her face. That's impossible! She was down here for ten seconds! Oh, and she didn't leave anything for me either! Picking the girl, Usagi was surprised by how light she was. But she just ate an entire kitchen! That wasn't right!

The girl from the future was still asleep on Usagi's bed when the other Senshi arrived.

Ami was the first. "What is it, Usagi? I have a test to study for."

"There was this big red and green portal and this little girl dressed in the tackiest orange and blue outfit came out and she had "Turtle" written on her shirt does that make any sense to you then she said she was from the future and she was my daughter but I don't know who the father is yet and she ate my kitchen and didn't leave any for me. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"

From years of friendship with the meatball-head, Ami was able to understand what she said. "What does Luna say about this?"

"I haven't seen her around." From upstairs, there was a surprised yelp and a joyful cry of "Luna!"

The girls ran upstairs and found GoChibi excitedly squeezing the life out of the cat. She was also gently stroking Luna behind the ears, so she somehow managed to be asphyxiated and purring at the same time. "Hey Luna! How are you doing?"

"Can't… breathe… but… feels… so… good!"

"Let go of her! She can't breathe!"

"Oh yeah! I had the same problem back home." She released the moon cat, who collapsed to the floor and didn't move for several moments.

"Who are you?"

"Hi! I'm GoChibi, but I already know you!" She went back to stroking Luna's ears. The new round of purring was significantly less strained. Now she knew how to treat a cat!

Ami was thoroughly confused, but continued her line of questioning. "Usagi tells me you're from the future."

"Yup!"

"What's that in your hand?"

GoChibi looked at the object in her hand. "Oh, that. It's a Time Diamond, or Timeond. This crystal lets me move through time. The Physics Police make them."

"The Physics Police, you say?"

"Yeah, they're very important. They keep things peaceful most of the time, but sometimes Dad and I have to deal with aliens and stuff. Isn't that right, Luna?"

The cat hated being talked down to, but didn't particularly care at the moment. This is so heavenly!

"Who is your father?"

"I'll tell you when the others get here."

"How do you know that the others are coming?"

"I can feel their Chi. Wow, you guys are so weak right now! It’s hard to pick you up!"

Ami felt insulted. "Why does your shirt say ‘Turtle’?"

"Oh, I trained with master Roshi. They call him the Turtle Hermit. He's weak, but really smart. He knows so much!"

"Master Roshi?" For the first time in years, Ami was completely ignorant on a subject. And she didn't like it. But before she could ask her next question, the doorbell rang, and GoChibi put her index and middle finger to her forehead. Using the instant transmission, she appeared at the door. The other Senshi were there, and were surprised when the pink-haired midget came out of nowhere. She grabbed Jupiter's hand and moved her legs to touch the others. Then she teleported again. The Senshi were very shocked to suddenly be in Usagi's room.

"What the hell?"

"How?"

"I feel sick!"

"Hi! I'm GoChibi! I thought I'd save some time. Usagi is my mommy!"

Rei looked at Usagi with a sick look on her face. "How could you? Having a child out of wedlock! And how long have you been hiding her?"

GoChibi giggled. "No, silly, I'm from the future!"

Minako, Makoto and Rei were developing migraines.

"Huh?"

Minako looked confused. "But time travel is impossible!" At this point, Artemis climbed out of Venus' backpack.

Luna looked up. The petting had stopped, and she was irritable. "Says the magical girl with a talking cat." GoChibi went back to stroking her, and she was content.

With a look of jealousy in his eyes, Artemis walked over to the girl. "Who's your father?"

"His name is Gohan."

To be continued.

Author's notes: Time to give credit where credit is due: Carrotglace came up with the idea of having Chibi-Usa be a) a Saiyan and b) have a different father. However, I like to think that the way I did it is somewhat unique. Besides, instead of her being an evil being sent back to ensure a dark future, she has a nobler quest. I have one thing to say: Poor Gohan!

You may wonder: How can basically the same person result from two sets of parents? It’s rather simple: theoretically, if Gohan/Tuxedo Mask had completely recessive genes, as far as physical characteristics, then only Usagi's would be expressed in her appearance. The tail is the only visual change. Also, her martial arts abilities are a deviation. She seems less sarcastic as well.

How are the Physics Police involved? That is a tale for another chapter. Specifically, the next one.

Webmaster: Larry F
Last revision: January 7, 2006