For those of you who are new here, I bring in a massive number of crossovers. The primary focuses are Dragon Ball Z, Tenchi Muyo, Sailor Moon and Star Wars, with references from everything from StarCraft to Battletech to Ranma ½. If you get lost, don't worry; it happens to me sometimes too.

Disclaimer: Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon belongs to Takeuchi Naoko, Koudansha, TV Asahi, and Toei Douga, and DIC.

Part 2: Oh, the Horror!

For the second time in fifteen minutes, Ralph was hurtling through the emptiness between dimensions. For the Idaho-born janitor, it was experience unlike any in his fairly short life. There was the simultaneous sensation of hot and cold, as well as pleasure and pain. He and Sergeant Phil of the Physics Police were moving at several times the speed of sound, although to Ralph it felt like he was gently floating. Also, he and his companion were robbed of all color. They were an odd combination of white and black. Around them was a vortex. It was mostly red, with an odd spiral of sparkling white light moving along it at a regular interval. And before he knew it, his freefall ended. With great force, he slammed face first into a foamy surface. Such was his velocity that he skipped like a rock across a pond. Phil hit feet first, bending his knees upon impact to absorb the shock.

Ralph turned to Phil. "What happened? Where am I?"

"We just went to home base, and you are in a world of trouble." The Policeman pointed over Ralph's shoulder. The confused janitor spun around and almost fainted.

Before him was the single largest structure he had ever seen. For somebody who had never left Podunk, Idaho, this was not a difficult accomplishment. However, the building before him was larger than most continents.

It was a bright pink and extended above the clouds. What Ralph noticed was that those clouds were green, and the sky the same red and white color as the vortex. Mounted upon the building was a P approximately the size of Rhode Island. To the right and slightly above it was a 2.

"P2?"

"It’s P-squared, you moron. Get it? Physics Police?"

"Oh."

The lost janitor nearly wet himself when Phil snapped on a pair of handcuffs. "OK, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney and will be provided one if you cannot afford it. You also have the right to wear frilly pink underwear and smear peanut butter on your face. And I wouldn't suggest moving your hands, or else you'll get a nasty burn."

Ralph held his arms rigid and decided to change the subject. "Speaking of pink, what's with the building?"

"It came that way, and there isn't enough paint in your entire dimension to cover it. Come along."

"But wait! What did I do?'

"You are charged with owning a interdimensional transport, traveling to another dimension and talking to denizens of that dimension without the necessary licenses."

Ralph continued to protest as he was led into the building.

"OK Chief, this one is your problem. What's my next assignment?"

"Vegeta has crossed into universe PKM-023-AIAD-1."

Phil's face contorted into an angry scowl. "Aw! I hate that place! Damned electric rats and fire lizards! And that Ketchum kid! Oi!" Just then, an older man walked past. He wore a uniform identical to Phil's, had shoulder length blonde hair and was whistling a happy ditty. He resembled Fabio, except he was less muscular. He was just back from a relaxing vacation on Tatooine, despite the fact that it was Phil's day off.

Phil faced his commander. "Where's Warren going?"

"Research and development wants him to test a new sports drink."

Taking a folder in his hands, Phil stomped off, muttering about lucky bastards and aspirin.

Ralph felt greatly relieved when the man left. This new officer seemed a bit calmer. He was around 50, with a pleasant face. His hair and mustache were completely gray, and he looked like a pudgy Alex Trebec. "I'm Chief O'Connor, primary manager assigned to sub sector 8, sector 3. And you are?"

"Confused."

"Well, Confused, let me enlighten you. As Phil explained, you have been arrested for two counts of breaking dimensional barriers without a license and one count of interacting with denizens of a foreign dimension without our permission. He never gets the wording right. Also, the machine you used violates volumes of interdimensional safety laws."

"What, the microwave?"

He nodded, comprehending the situation. "Did you make that 'microwave'?"

"Uh. No."

"Where did you get it?"

"I was going by Wally and Eddy's lab and it flew out the window. I thought it would be a good surprise for the wife."

O'Connor began scratching his chin thoughtfully. "Wally and Eddy, you say?" The janitor nodded. "Would you happen to live or work near Podunk, Idaho?" He nodded again. His mood changed from contemplative to frustrated. O'Connor began to massage his temples. "Not this again! Stewart!"

An aide appeared from nowhere and saluted. "Yes, Chief?"

"Didn't we tell those two to knock it off after they vaporized one of Jupiter's moons with that 'laser printer'?"

"Uh, yes sir."

"Explain."

"They keep forgetting. We send a few agents every week or so. They promise to stop every time, but can't remember what they agreed five minutes ago."

"Tattoo it on their hands or spray paint it on their wall. In fact, do both! Now!"

"Yes sir!" Stewart disappeared into the sea of cubicles.

"Now, Ralph, it really isn't your fault. You're probably wondering where you are, and how you got there."

"That sums it up nicely, sir."

"The structure we are in is older than most universes. Particles in the walls and floor have been dated at approximately 500 billion years old. We don't know who built it or why. A few thousand years ago, the founders of the Physics Police came from an unknown universe. Although many of the records were destroyed during their journey, those that survive indicate that it was a peaceful place, possessing the technology to travel at the speed of light, cure all disease and build incredibly stable worm holes. We use much their technology to this day."

"Why did they leave?"

"Apparently, they were fleeing a tyrannical regime of immense power. Upon arriving, they destroyed all data involving the coordinates of their home dimension."

"They traveled to a parallel universe, then they made sure they couldn't go back. Why?"

"To ensure that future generations wouldn't destroy themselves attempting to battle the invaders. According to legend, the tyrants came from a universe beyond our ability to find. Thus, having seen the ravages that had been wrought on their home by invaders from anther dimension, they pledged to stop it from happening elsewhere. Thus the Physics Police were formed."

"Physics Police Headquarters, as we call it, has millions sensor boards, each capable of monitoring any spot in the multitude of universes. Within this structure are various manufacturing plants. We are completely self sufficient, with levels devoted to agriculture and housing. Several generations have been born and died without ever leaving. We also have good number of aliens too." As if punctuate what he said, a Wookie walked past the cubicle entrance holding a mug that said, "I hate Tuesdays too."

Ralph stammered, "Was that a… a… a…?"

"Yes."

"That reminds me: why do I keep seeing all of this fictitious stuff? I saw the Sailor Scouts a few hours ago, and that Wookie, and Luna was talking about Saiyans like they were real."

"There is a fundamental truth about the universe you must realize. There is no fiction."

"Huh?"

"All authors and writers are simply gifted with the ability to see visions. They can tell about the past, present and future of other dimensions. Most people who claim to see any of the future of their own universe are liars and swindlers. A few, like the Jedi or Sailor Mars, are accurate, but most aren't."

Ralph was having a hard time absorbing this. "So, Darth Vader is real?"

"Yes."

"The X-Men?"

"Yes."

"Barney the Dinosaur?"

"Well, technically, he exists in all dimensions. He and various other children's show stars occupy the fifth circle of hell. If you were very bad in life, you become part of his backyard gang." Both men shuddered violently at that.

"So, everything is real?"

"Well, not fanfiction. That's all made up."

"Wait; that would mean that…"

"Don't think about it."

"Why not?"

"Ensign Smith, get in here!"

A man in a red uniform came in. "Yes sir?"

"Think about the fact that you’re in a fanfiction."

"Yes, sir." He paused. "OK, I am in a fanfiction, fanfictions are not real, therefore…" He disappeared in puff of smoke.

"And that is why we don't think about it."

"Why is the sky the same color as the portal?"

"The planet we're on was either built in or moved to the space between dimensions. We are essentially in a huge wormhole. Again, we have no idea who did it or why."

"So, why aren't you just sending me home? I don't see why I'm even here."

"Like I told you, your 'microwave' there violates hundreds of safety laws. Because you wanted casserole, the very fabric of reality is at risk. Our machines, in layman's terms, gently open a portal, and they only hold it open for a minute. On the other hand, this device rips a jagged gash in the universe, shoves you through it, and it doesn't close. Also, it sets off a chain reaction. Your hole caused two to open, which caused four more, and so on. As the chaos increases, the barriers between the dimensions will fall, creating one unified dimension. However, the rules governing each world are too different. Some are like yours, but in most the laws governing reality are more flexible. The laws of physics will lose their power. In about one earth year after that, all matter in the universe will start to randomly lose and gain subatomic particles. A simple oxygen molecule could become uranium in under a second, releasing deadly radiation. Imagine the effects on more complex compounds. Like life forms. We don't have enough agents to handle all of the tears. To be frank, we need you."

"Is this why you sent Phil away?"

"Yes."

"Look Vegeta, let's talk about this."

"NO! I don't recognize your authority, you weakling! You're going to back off, or the rodent gets it!"

Ash Ketchum, Misty and Brock all stood a good distance away. All were shocked, but the Pokémon trainer from Pallet was openly weeping. "P-Pikachu!"

"Pika." it moaned weakly. The electric rat was being held by the scruff of its neck, and occasionally the Saiyan would strike it. Pikachu was covered in bruises and minor burns.

Phil sighed. I guess in his universe, he hasn’t reformed yet. Good. "OK, Vegeta put down the rat. This is your last chance."

"Never!"

"All righty then. Kaio-ken!" Sergeant Phil was enveloped by a red aura. Faster than even Vegeta could track, Phil snatched Pikachu from Vegeta's hands and put it into Ash's. The glow around his body ceased. Panting, he said, "Get out of here, kid! Take that Pikachu to a Pokémon center!"

Tears in his eyes, Ash said, "Thank you! This means so much to me!"

"Don't thank me! Run!"

Ash, Brock and Misty complied.

Vegeta looked at his hand, then a Phil. His eyes were wide with shock.

"How did you learn Kakorot's attack?"

"Still think I'm a weakling? We Physics Policemen are just full of surprises."

Vegeta began to sweat. "What do you want?"

"Look, my orders are to defuse this situation. If you like, I can get you back home. Or just to your destination. Where were you going, anyways?"

"None of your business, human!"

Phil let out a sigh. "We can do this the easy way or the hard way. You just picked the hard way. Kaio-Ken!" Again enveloped in a red aura, Phil punched Vegeta seventeen times before he felt the first blow. Sweat ran down his face and he was breathing heavily. "Had enough? Now, how about telling me what I want to know?"

Vegeta collapsed in a heap. After a few seconds, he managed to rise to his feet, although it was a little shaky. "If you must know, I was on my way to Namek. However, I prefer this place. The people are so weak that I can dominate them easily! Those little rats are irritating, but I can defeat them easily enough. Now, I suggest you leave. You couldn't use that cheap technique again to save your life!"

Phil gasped when he realized that Vegeta was right. Then he smirked. "Wanna' bet? I have weapons you couldn't imagine."

"No weapon can defeat the Prince of Saiyans!" To illustrate this, he powered up and shot like a bullet towards the Physics Policeman. From his pocket, Phil pulled out what looked like a remote control. Completely calm and collected, he pressed a button near the top of the device. A dome of green energy surrounded him. When Vegeta entered it, he found himself unable to fly. Carried by sheer momentum, he placed a normal punch into the armored vest under Phil's uniform. Then they collided. Phil staggered backwards, while Vegeta screamed in pain and clutched his broken hand. With venom in his eyes, he looked up at Phil. "What did you do?"

With a smug grin on his face, Phil dangled the device just out of Vegeta's reach. "This is called the Reality Checker. It strictly enforces the laws of physics within a ten-foot radius regardless of which universe you're in. You lose." He pulled out a small box. He placed in Vegeta's undamaged hand. "That is a one-use dimensional transporter. Think about your ship, and you'll be there. Don't try thinking of anywhere else. We can watch your every movement and my supervisor would be most unhappy if we wasted a perfectly good dimensional transporter. You have about enough distance between your ship and Namek to heal en route, but don't push it. Oh, and by the way: you are the weakest link. G'Bye." Still glaring daggers at Phil, the self-appointed Prince of all Saiyans disappeared into nothingness.

Phil pressed a button on his wristwatch. "Beam me up, Scotty!"

A tiny voice responded, "I told you! I'm Irish!"

With that, Phil was sucked into a wormhole.

Back in the Physics Police headquarters, Ralph was scratching his head and turned to face O'Connor. "Where did Phil learn the Kaio-Ken?"

"No, he has never met King Kai. You see, in most universes, there exists an energy field that unifies all life. The designations for each universe type reflect this."

"A class C universe uses Chi. These dimensions are characterized by superhuman abilities that enhance strength, speed and endurance. Examples are Tenchi Muyo and Dragon Ball universes. Then there is class M, for manna. The powers of the inhabitants tend towards magic, both offensive and defensive. You've visited one of the Sailor Moon worlds, so you get the idea. A class T universe is one in which the energy fields are too weak to support any advanced physical or mental powers. These dimensions use technical knowledge to compensate. Finally, there are F universes, which are a fusion of any or all of the above types. Most dimensions are F classes, but we tend to refer to them by the dominant type of energy. The inhabitants of each universe usually adapt to draw upon their own energy fields, which is the reason you find so few wizards in Dragon Ball Z and no Super Saiyans in Harry Potter."

"Our officers are drawn from a variety of sources, so we run the full gamut, from normal beings to full fledged mages. Each is in charge of their own path. Phil prefers the direct approach, so he specializes in super martial arts. He's been training since he was a child, so his powers are very advanced. This is the first time he actually used the Kaio-Ken technique, which is why he is so drained. You saw what happened back there. Still feel up to the job?"

"Well, no. I'm just a janitor from Podunk. However, the first thing a janitor learns is that if you make a mess, you clean it up. I'll help you however I can."

"Actually, you're very useful. You have sufficient knowledge of enough story lines that you can make educated decisions. Also, according to our records, you have a brown belt in karate, which you can use if you do have any special gifts."

"First, you need something to warm up with. Let's check the hotspots." O'Connor turned to his monitor. He picked a lower priority assignment. Yes, this will do nicely. "Good luck Ralph. Get your gear from Phil when he gets back, and then report to teleportation bay 3. Tell them Jack sent you."

Thus began the most interesting adventure in Ralph's life.

To be continued.

Webmaster: Larry F
Last revision: January 7, 2006