For those of you who are new here, I bring in a massive number of crossovers. The primary focuses are Dragon Ball Z, Tenchi Muyo, Sailor Moon and Star Wars, with references from everything from StarCraft to Battletech to Ranma ½. If you get lost, don't worry; it happens to me sometimes too.

Disclaimer: Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon belongs to Takeuchi Naoko, Koudansha, TV Asahi, and Toei Douga, and DIC.

Part 3: Morons and Senshi and Zerg, Oh My!

Phil was shocked. Less than six hours ago, he had arrested Ralph the janitor. While he had gone to kick Vegeta's Saiyan butt, this guy had been promoted to Physics Deputy. And placed under Phil's command. O'Connor hates me. "Okay. Look, kid, we're giving you a milk run to show you the ropes. In your universe, there seems to be some kind of disturbance around Elvis' old house in Nashville. Here’s your gear: Audit gun, Reality Checker, light armor plating for your chest and stomach, helmet, Deputy’s Badge, list of Miranda Rights, a few one-use dimensional transporters, and your key to the snack bar. Now go get changed!"

"Yes, sir!"

About five minutes later, Ralph exited the locker room. He was dressed in a uniform identical to Phil's except in one detail: it was bright pink -- a test to see how devoted the new recruits were to the Physics Police Force. Because of the uniform, many quit the first day… although in recent years, it had led to a higher percentage of female recruits.

Suppressing his laughter, Phil led Ralph to the transporter room. "Hey, this is just like the Enterprise's!"

"Yes, well, let's just say that O'Connor's a Trekkie. Other transporter rooms look different. Now get on!"

"Wait, what about guns? The Chief said I got guns!"

"Only if you need 'em. Which you won't. G'Bye."

Ralph screamed as he was sucked into the red and white wormhole.

Nashville, Tennessee:
Our Universe

As the sun rose, Carol Jacobs greeted the morning the way she did every day: "Damn. It wasn't a nightmare."

For the past four weeks, she and her husband, Joe, had occupied the same tiny tent, sleeping on the same leaky air mattress, all in hopes of seeing "the King".

Joe awoke, greeting his wife. "Hey there, pretty momma. When’s breakfast?"

"Look, Joe, we need to talk about this. We've been here for four long weeks, ever since you thought you saw Elvis at the Gas n' Grub. I came here to humor you, and in that month have we seen Elvis? No! Get over it already!"

"I tell you, I saw the King!"

"Look, Joe, you need to realize something: Elvis has been dead for over 25 years!”

"No! It isn't true!"

"Okay, Joe. Let’s make a deal. If we don't see Elvis in five minutes, we're gone. Starting… now!"

The husband and wife sat there. It was the longest five minutes of their lives, with each second seeming to be an eternity. However, it did end.

"Joe, time's up! Let's go already."

"Okay…" He noticed some movement in the bushes. "Hey! It's the King!"

"Now don't start that… huh?"

"Hey there, pretty momma. When’s breakfast?"

Carol was shocked. “Oh… my… God. It is him!”

Joe was less sure, once he took a closer look at the stranger. The accent and hairstyle were dead on. However, the King had never been a blonde, nor did had his upper body been so muscular. Also, he wasn't wearing a cape.

"Who are you?"

"The name's Johnny Bravo." He posed and grunted. "Is she with you?"

Both Joe and Carol dove screaming into their car got in and drove away as fast as the ageing Volkswagen would allow.

With a glazed look on his face, Johnny watched them drive away. "Yeah, whatever. Hey! Free jacket!" Picking up their tent and wrapping it around himself, he grinned. "Plastic is in this season!"

Suddenly, a portal opened behind Johnny. He looked at the vortex of red and white energy and said, "Christmas just comes earlier every year."

Ralph managed to land feet first this time. "Johnny Bravo? Some milk run. Okay, Mister Bravo, we're taking you home."

"No! I like it here! The chicks are cute and there are free jackets everywhere!"

"You have to go home. Now."

Disappearing in a whirlwind of action, Johnny emerged a moment later in a white gi. "You, sir, have angered the master of the Chipmunk karate technique! Have at you!" With that, he leapt into the air in an attempted karate kick. Ralph stepped left. The karate-king wannabe flew face first into a cement wall. Shaking off his injury, Johnny stood up. "At last! A worthy opponent! I can finally use my full potential! Super Johnny Schmaiyan Power!"

For an instant, Ralph was worried as he considered the possibility of a universe with a superpowered Johnny. Then he realized that there was no change in the moron's appearance. He breathed a sigh of relief.

"You're in trouble now! Kan-o-cans-or-somthin' attack!" He cupped his hands and, predictably, nothing happened. "Zounds! This fiend has developed a counter to my ultimate attack! I'll have to go to blows with him!" He leapt into the air in an attempt to fly. He slammed into the pavement. "He's even managed to stop my natural Schmaiyan flying abilities! Then I must use my other powers!" He held up a pencil with "Pop's Diner" written on it. "Sailor Johnny Transformation!" After another whirl of action, Johnny's gi sported a few ribbons.

"OK, evil demon Yo-Yo Ma guy, I, Sailor Johnny, shall defeat you in the name of chicks everywhere! Johnny love and junk blast!" He pointed the pencil at Ralph. Again, nothing. "I must use the imperial cherry-flavored diamond of goodness!" He pulled a Ring Pop out of his pocket and placed it on his finger. He gave it a lick. "Mmmmm, linty!"

Meanwhile, Ralph had figured out how to combat Johnny's stupidity. He stepped forward and activated his Reality Checker. As Johnny came under the influence of the green field, his face was smashed into the hard concrete. "Hey, how'd ya do that?"

"You're legs wouldn't support a toddler, dipstick!"

"Can't get up! I'm paralyzed! Help!"

"If you go home, you can walk again. Also, I'll give you this nickel."

"Sorry, not interested."

"It's shiny."

"Well, why didn't you say so? Gimme!"

"OK, Johnny, think of home." As he said that, he handed Johnny one of his dimensional transporters. "And tell your mother not to let you watch any more Anime! You're a disgrace to fans everywhere!" As he disappeared, Ralph thought to himself. How do I get back? A voice came from his watch.

"Good work, Ralph. That was some fast thinking back there. Remember, this is only going to get harder. From now on, radio us when you want to return." A vortex appeared above Ralph's head.

Once again, the events of his life had led Phil to one conclusion: my life sucks.

Under an hour ago, a Zerg brood had appeared in the Sailor Moon universe he had visited the previous day. The insectoid aliens had begun to run amok in downtown Tokyo. Although any given Zergling or Hydralisk was easy enough to deal with, packs of a dozen or more roamed the streets. Phil had just come across such a pack. Standard tactical doctrine for dealing with giant insects was the use of fire. Unfortunately, his flamethrower had run out of fuel three groups ago. His other weapons had proved virtually useless. The Zerg, having no income of any sort, were immune to the audit gun. In addition, they violated no laws of physics, so his reality checker would only hinder himself or any allies in this universe. Their exoskeletons were too tough to penetrate with normal guns, and he was out of grenades. Only his medium power armor and his knowledge of the Kaio-ken had saved him.

The power armor itself mounted a few weapons. The laser mounted on his right arm was effective, but it was hard to use at close range. Plus, its rate of fire was too low to deal with multiple opponents. The armor itself was equipped with a rocket pack, so he saved Chi from flying. Also, it provided enough power and protection to go hand to hand with Zerglings and come out on top. He reserved the Kaio-ken and other martial arts maneuvers for groups. However, even a veteran Physics Policeman had his limits, as did his armor. It was only a matter of time until either the armor gave in or he would collapse from exhaustion.

What really galled him was that Warren was assigned to this disturbance as well. However, while Phil was assigned to find whatever Cerebrate was controlling the horde and take it out, Warren's job was to ensure that the Sailor Scouts weren't hurt battling the Zerg. Although it was necessary to preserve this universe's timeline, Phil was particularly upset that Warren had gotten the better job. Again.

Less than two hours ago, I was in mortal combat with Vegeta. Now, I'm fighting a horde of gigantic bugs. When I get back, I want more than a cup of coffee and a senzu bean. Sleep seems like a good reward.

His ruminations were interrupted as a Zergling seemed to pop out of nowhere. Using his rockets to get out of the Zergling's reach, onto the roof of a nearby building, Phil began to scan for other Zerg. There was no sign of any more bugs. However, the Zergling was running towards him, scaling the wall as if it was level ground. Deciding to save his energy for larger groups, Phil grabbed a small ball from his utility belt.

"Pokéball, go!"

The Zergling took the ball to the face and was sucked in. Falling to the street below, the Pokéball wiggled three times, and the red light that served as the clasp turned off. By some magic, the capturing device levitated to Phil's hand.

"These things are more useful than I thought." He made a victory sign with his armor's enlarged fingers. "All right! I caught Zergling!" He switched the ball to its smaller size and put it back in his belt. "Enough fooling around. Where is that Cerebrate?" He pulled out what appeared to be a pokédex, but was in fact a scanner.

The proper energy signature was not to be found. The dark energy that powered the Zerg was focused around Cerebrates, gigantic brain-like organisms capable of running hundreds of Zerg simultaneously. The energy was to be found across Tokyo because of the invading insects, but there wasn't enough in any one spot to mark a Cerebrate. However, there were three smaller signatures. It could be three younger cerebrates, but they would likely be clustered together for safety. Then again, it could be something newer and deadlier.

Using his rockets, Phil leapt from rooftop to rooftop. He saw no more Zerg. Using the scanner, he homed in on the nearest dark energy cluster. Upon arriving, he saw a vaguely elephantine beast shredding a building. It stood nearly three stories tall and had six legs. Insectoid mandibles sprouted from its jaws, and it appeared to be eating the structure and its inhabitants.

"Can't have this. Destructo Disk!" Phil threw the jagged energy Frisbee towards the Ultralisk. The disk sliced partway through its leg, although the thick tissue stopped it. Phil was shocked. "That should have cut all of its left legs off! Either I'm weaker than I thought, or… A hero unit!"

Hero units, as they are called in strategy games, are units that serve as special characters in a scenario. They are usually impossible to manufacture in an actual game. The presence of such a unit indicated that whatever Zerg Brood had been warped into this dimension was an important one.

"Torasque, I believe. So that's the power signature. Great. Just friggin' great."

Enraged by the pain, Torasque twisted around. Its rear leg limped, but it appeared otherwise undamaged. Roaring, it charged.

"Kaio-Ken!" Phil leapt over the beast and fired a barrage of chi bolts at it. The thick skin of the Ultralisk absorbed the blasts. “Shit!” As the red glow surrounding Phil dissipated, he realized he was in trouble. His morale was plummeting. "I can't even hurt that damn thing, and I don't have the energy to tackle it head on! How the hell am I supposed to take on a Cerebrate? Damn that Warren and his babysitting! He gets all of the good jobs. Even when we were cadets, the instructors liked him best! I'm worthless!" As his diatribe continued, Phil could feel a power growing within him. What the… Suddenly, Phil had an idea. He had seen this technique once during a trip to a Ranma ½ universe. It fed on the pent up rage and sorrow of a person. A purple aura surrounded him. He turned to a frightened old man lying on the ground next to him.

"Insult me."

"Huh?"

"Just do it! Your fate depends on it!"

"Crazy Gaijin! We're all going to die, and you want me to insult you? Damn idiot! You are worthless!"

"Oh yeah, that's the stuff!" The purple aura grew and became darker. Ready as I'll ever be. "Die! Shi Shi Houkodan!"

The massive beam of purple light, fueled by years of anger and resentment, smashed into the Ultralisk, vaporizing it where it stood. The beam continued onwards toward the bay, and dissipated several miles out to sea.

Oddly enough, Phil didn't feel any fatigue after using the technique. I'm bitterer than I thought. However, there was no time for self-reflection. A pair of Hydralisks seemed to melt from the shadows. Distracted by his newfound power, Phil failed to notice the pair of Zerg in time.

Each Hydralisk resembled a gigantic worm, with bladelike arms and a fanged maw at one end. Lifting the front half of their bodies from the ground, each reared back to attack Phil. However, each was halted by a separate attack. One exploded in a shower of gore as a missile slammed into it. The other was distracted as Flamenco music seemed to come from nowhere. Then, a rose slashed at the exoskeleton covering its chest, although the very shallow gouge was more painful than damaging. By this time, Phil had spun around and fired his arm-mounted laser. The beam set the Hydralisk ablaze, and it cried out in an inhuman scream of agony. It collapsed when another rose flew in and stood erect in the middle of its forehead. More by accident than design, the flower had found the alien's brain stem.

Phil turned to face his saviors. Shrouded partially in shadow was the semi- imposing figure of Tuxedo Mask. Nearby was a quartet of infantry. They were clothed in battle armor similar to Phil's.

"Tuxedo Mask? Shouldn't you be off saving your girlfriend?"

He grinned sheepishly. "She wasn't too pleased that I didn't show up the other day."

"If it will make you feel any better, that was very helpful. Now get out of here before you get yourself killed."

"What?"

"Look, as much as you may deny it, the ability to throw flowers at your opponents is not a terribly useful ability. You got very lucky, hitting those weak spots. I refuse to take responsibility for your lack of superpowers."

"Throwing roses isn't my only ability! I'm mysterious, can seemingly melt from shadows and I can cause that cool Spanish music to play whenever I like."

"So could any kid with a hockey mask and a boom box. Now scram."

Grumbling to himself, Tux-Boy melted into the darkness.

Phil addressed the squad of infantry. "Identify yourselves."

One of the armor clad men saluted. "Sir, I am Sergeant Third Class Jackson of the Physics Militia, Sir!"

Phil nodded. The militia had been founded on planets that had few or unreliable superheroes. The universe they were in counted as both. They were as well-equipped as the Physics Police, and answered directly to the Police. Phil noted that one of the troopers was reloading his man-portable short-range missile launcher.

"What were you doing here? And you don't have to address me as sir."

"Sir, we were tracking that energy signal you just destroyed, Sir! And might I say, Sir, nicely done, Sir!"

"Thanks, and don't call me sir!"

"Yes, Sir!"

"Don't call me Sir! I feel like Peppermint Patty, for God's sake." He quickly glanced at his scanner. "I only see one significant signature left on the board, so that leaves only one option left for the Cerebrates' location. Move out, attack pattern alpha."

"Yes, Sir!"

"God help me."

To be continued.

Author’s notes: First of all, I wish to apologize to any Yo-Yo Ma fans, and to Yo-Yo Ma himself. It was simply the only word I could think of that sounded like youma.

The Zerg are from the computer game StarCraft, which belongs to Blizzard Entertainment. Johnny Bravo is copyright by Van Partible, Hanna Barbera, and Cartoon Network.

Webmaster: Larry F
Last revision: January 7, 2006