*Cue Monty Python Music…*
A Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon story
by Benjamin A. Oliver
Disclaimer: Sailor Moon is owned by Takeuchi Naoko, Koudansha, TV Asahi, and Toei Douga, and DIC.
Chapter 2: Indubitability Factor 'Shroom…
Terra Incognita awoke in her bed with a sore skull and a splitting headache. She was in her pajamas and her poor throbbing body felt like it had been put through a food processor on 'puree'.
Her memories and the contents of her mind were a blur. For a few minutes, she really did not know who she was, what she was, where she was, or what she was supposed to be doing. But then she remembered the move to Japan, the hazy, dreamlike day at school, and the weird — but kind of good-looking — guy she met up at the park.
As soon as she recalled those events, her head flared up once again in pain. "ACK! Ow, ow, ow!" Writhing in pain, she fell off her bed and landed on her face, which made it worse. "Owwwwwwwww!"
It took a few minutes for the throbbing waves of agony to stop and the endorphins to kick in, by which time her mother had entered the room.
"Oh, good! You're awake," said Kasumi as she pulled aside the curtains, allowing the sunrise to spill in. "It looks like you had a nasty fall yesterday evening. Your father had to bring you home. What happened?"
Like chunks of a badly frayed jigsaw puzzle, Terra gradually put her thoughts back in order. "I was talking with some guy and he hit me hard in the head with a gas-powered electric guitar."
"Oh my! Were you being rude to him?"
"I… don't think I was."
"Well, you might have insulted him without noticing it. These sorts of things happen in Japan. I suppose we should be thankful he wasn't carrying an umbrella." The ponytailed woman smiled. "Oh well, it can't be helped now. You'll need to hurry up. There's school in an hour."
Holding her head, Terra looked up at her mother with a pained, disbelieving expression. "Um, right. Okay. I kinda… forgot about that."
Humming a cheery tune, Mrs. Incognita dusted the furniture and departed. "I'll have breakfast done when you finish getting ready," she called back.
"Haaaai," Terra replied, her voice wavering due to the soreness of her entire body.
When she finally got her muscles to respond, she set about getting out the clothing she'd use that day. The previous morning, her mother had lain out her blue and white sailor dress, and since that seemed to be Juuban Junior High's school uniform, Terra determined that it would be more of the same today. Looking through her closet, she found a half dozen matching uniforms, plus a couple of dresses — one white and another green — toward the back.
But first, she'd need a shower. She grabbed a towel and went down the hall to the bathroom, and quickly discovered an astonishing lack of shower equipment available. There was a bucket, a stool, and a big tiled bathtub.
Terra blearily rubbed her cheek and pursed her lips in thought. "Hmm."
Terra eventually rigged up a remedy that involved filling up the bucket from the faucet, washing up, and dumping the water over herself. It worked okay, but what she really wanted was a shower. Soaking her head in the warm bathtub for a long while felt really good, though. Really good. She just knelt down and basked in the comforting ambience for as long as she could, oxygen be darned.
When she finally got dressed and brushed her hair, she noticed something odd. Her hair was considerably coarser than she remembered it having been the day before. It tended to want to spike out and got really rebellious when she tried to put it into ponytails, sproinging out into jagged locks. She washed it again and used up half a bottle of conditioner, but finally, she gave up and left it untied. At the moment, a bad hair day was probably the least of her problems.
Breakfast good, she thought, though it took a bit of effort to keep it down. Cleaned up and fed, she felt a lot better now than she did before, but she was still a bit woozy.
"Itekki-maa… something or other. Bye, Mom!"
Kasumi waved to her pleasantly as she departed.
Lost in thought, Terra headed in the general direction of school. She hardly noticed when she bumped into the giant robot with a lawnmower for a face. Her head started aching again.
"Oh, hello," Terra said weakly.
"I AM THE FIRST HARBINGER OF DESTRUCTION!!" the robot bellowed through speakers in its chest. "YOU HAVE NO CHANCE TO SURVIVE! SAY YOUR PRAYERS! HA-HA-HA-HAAAA!!!"
"The First Harbinger of Destruction," absently repeated the girl. "How nice! Can you please grind up my head so it'll stop hurting?"
The titan raised a bladed hand, and thrust downward with a tremendous force. A giant cloud of dirt and cement fragments arose when it struck, obscuring the area.
When the dust parted, the First Harbinger of Destruction was frozen in place, its claw held up easily by a tall man in shining green camouflage armor.
"What in the heck was that!?" the man — the Star Light Knight, Terra recalled suddenly — shouted at the girl. "You're supposed to fight back and blow the thing to bits! Not just stand there, waiting to get killed!"
"Head… hurts," Terra replied, pushing past him. "AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT! YOU DID THIS TO ME!"
"Hah, some thanks there, 'princess.' I unseal your mind and all you do is complain about it."
"Don't call me princess, baka," Terra said. She felt proud having been able to think of the word. Its meaning danced on the edge of her mind. But it might have either been a sort of steamed cabbage or a kind of Australian dog. "Go away. I don't ever want to see you again! Even if you are a really cute boy."
"Who are you calling 'cute?!'"
Terra didn't reply. She only whimpered from the re-emerging pain and trudged onward towards school.
The Star Light Knight folded his arms and turned away. "Fine! See if I ever help you out again!" For all his bravado, though, his voice was tainted with sadness and grief.
The First Harbinger of Destruction put a comforting claw on his shoulder, but he smacked it away. "Hey, hands off the steel, buddy."
In class, Terra sat down and rested her head inside her almost chilly book. For a few seconds, it offered respite from the burning of her skull. But it didn't last.
Usagi tapped her on the shoulder. "Uh, hey, Terra-chan? Is something wrong?"
"Blunt trauma and a bad migraine," the redhead whispered back. "My head feels like it's about to explode. It gets worse when I try to think."
The blonde grinned. "Oh, there's no need to worry about having to think today. It's not like we're going to have a pop quiz or anything, right?"
Haruna-sensei walked in with a great big smile plastered all over her face. "Hello, class! Guess what? Today, we're starting off with a nice pop quiz! Take out a pencil and let's get started!"
Terra once again sought refuge against her desk. "Mmmmohhdear."
The quizzes got passed out, and Terra struggled to focus upon hers. They were word associations, mostly, accompanied by a bit of math. "If Hat is to foot," she subvocalized, "as… boot is to head, then cat is to… what?" The choices were dog, slipper, collar, and rugrat.
If Terra thought her head was going to explode before, it most certainly was now. The throbbing of blood vessels intensified exponentially, and Terra screamed out loud.
A yellow crescent moon glowed on her forehead for a second, and then the sigil cracked and fragmented into a puff of pixie dust. Her forehead was left bare once again.
Then the pain stopped.
Terra snapped her head up. Everyone was staring at her. She covered her mouth. "Oh my."
"Incognita-san," said Haruna-sensei, "even if the quiz seems impossible, please don't scream about it."
"Ah, yes! Right, right." Terra blushed in embarrassment, her pain almost totally forgotten. She glanced down at the page and found herself scribbling out the answers. "I'm done!" She held up her paper for her teacher to grab.
"You're done?!" asked Naru. "I haven't even written my name down yet!"
Terra snapped her fingers. "I knew I forgot something." She wrote her name at the top of the quiz and held it up again. "Done! For real, this time."
"Let me see that," said the teacher. Her eyes widened as she scanned the answers. "You must have cheated… no, wait, there's explanations written down, and… Oh, I'm sorry, class, there's a mistake on question four. Answer C should be twenty-six and D should be twenty-five." She looked apologetic at Terra. "Sorry for having doubted you. But yesterday, you seemed so, so… not smart."
Usagi raised her hand. "She hadn't slept since her trip from Europe. It was jetlag."
Haruna examined the innocent-looking Irish redhead seated before her. "Jetlag?"
"Must have been," Terra replied slowly, confused as to what just happened. "It was a long trip."
This time, during lunch break, more students seemed interested in chatting with Terra, but most of the cross-examination got done by Usagi and Naru.
"Incognita-san," Naru began, "you seem so… very different today." She looked impressed, as if seeing the real Terra for the first time. "Wow… hello!"
Terra laughed nervously and waved a hand. "Naru, please, call me Terra. No suffixes, no honorifics. They still give me a headache, and believe me, I've had enough of that for today."
Naru nodded. "All right." This time, it seemed, she had a good enough reason to accept the request.
"So are you a really a genius transfer student from Britain?" Usagi asked conspiratorially. "Were you just toying with us yesterday?"
"No," Terra replied, "it's just that… the world seems somehow… clearer today." Actually, things started becoming clear for her during the pop quiz. She remembered what S.L.K. had said about the seal on her mind — that he'd broken it. She suspected that it didn't break until just a little while ago in class.
Wanting to shift the subject, Terra smiled at Usagi and asked, "So, what do you want to be when you grow up, Usagi?"
"Me?" The blonde held a finger to her cheek in thought. "Well, I want to be a superstar idol and a model, have a cute boyfriend, drive around in a limo… Oh, lots of things."
Naru laughed quietly at that.
Terra nodded pleasantly in return. "Hey, yeah! Me…" she started to trail off, her smile fading, "…too?" Then she thought about all the stuff popular singers had to go through, like all the public attention, lack of privacy, getting swarmed all the time, and the scandals that happen no matter how moral one keeps one's self. It all started to seem like too much of a hassle to be worth it. But, deep down, she just wanted to be happy and help people, if she could. In her mind, the possibilities of the future unfolded before her. "On second thought, maybe I really want to become an interior decorator. Or a nurse. Or a public safety director. Or a CEO of a major multinational corporation. Or… hmm. This is a big decision."
"Wow, I hadn't thought about those," Usagi awed.
"Best not rush it," Naru advised.
"Yeah, I guess," Terra said distantly.
The rest of the day went by pretty well. Terra answered a lot of questions in class, and Haruna-sensei seemed a lot more at ease with her than the day before. After school, Terra asked to go along with Usagi and Naru.
"We're just going over to my mom's jewelry store," said Naru.
"That's all right. Can I come? I'd just like to go with you and see what's around. Remember, I'm new to the neighborhood."
"Well," Naru began thoughtfully.
"Yeah! We'd love to show you around." Usagi slapped Terra on the back. "All right! Let's all go!"
So they went. Out of habit, Terra attempted to skip alongside them, but it didn't quite feel right anymore, so she stopped doing it and walked instead.
"Naru, what does your dad do?" Terra inquired.
"My dad? Well, I'd rather not talk about my dad. But my mom owns a jewelry shop. I think I mentioned that just now. What do your parents do?"
"Mom's a homemaker and Daddy," the redhead stalled in her words as she tried to piece together the details from what she remembered. Neither of her parents had ever come out and said what his job was. "He's a swordsman, I think. I'm pretty sure he trains people in martial arts. He always goes off with this huge katana of his. He travels, too. I don't see him for months, sometimes."
"A stay-at-home mother and a father who's hardly ever at home?"
"Did I say homemaker? I meant housemaker — er, architect. Yes, that's the right word. She's an architect, but usually finishes quickly enough with the blueprints and everything so she doesn't usually go for very long."
"Your mom's an architect?" asked Usagi. "Neat!"
"She did some designs for museums and government buildings back home in Ireland. Mostly romanticized gothic buildings with lots of marble, arches, and pillars." Terra suddenly realized her mouth had used some adjectives that she really hadn't known the meaning of the day before… at least, not in the same sense. In her mind, gothic had previously meant wearing lots of black, being anemic, and never going out in the sun, not something describing thirteenth-century European building styles. Whatever happened to her mind, it seemed to go much deeper than simply unlocking her memories and improving her I.Q. She wondered where the surprises might end with trepidation.
"Anyway," Terra continued, "what's this jewelry store like?"
Naru pointed to a sign that read, "Osa-P."
"We're already there."
The Osa-P was having a big sale. The place oozed with people — mostly young girls and middle-aged women — who seemed desperate to get in on the huge, juicy deals being advertised. Nevertheless, Naru's trio managed to push forward to the checkout counter.
"Mom! What's going on?" Naru called through the bustle of the crowd.
"That's right, everyone!" Naru's mother called through a megaphone. "For today, it's ninety percent off on EVERYTHING!"
Naru slapped her forehead and groaned. "Oh no, she's finally snapped. All those years setting gems and engraving rings… it must have been too much for her. I tried to tell her, 'try investment and real estate instead for a while,' but no, she had to keep with the jewelry store, didn't she?!"
"All right!" Usagi exclaimed. She whipped out her little money pouch and reached in side. Frowning, she turned the bag upside down and shook it. A ball of lint and half a cotton swab fell out. "Aw! I knew I shouldn't have bought that last ice cream sundae yesterday."
"Ninety percent off," remarked Terra, looking quite impressed. "Is this a going out of business sale?"
Naru nodded. "Yes, you're very insightful. If it lasts for more than ten minutes, you can bet it will be."
Terra liked jewelry. At least, she did a day before. She'd need to check on that. Looking at the various objects in the display cases, she determined that, yes, she still liked jewelry. It was just as pretty as the day before — prettier, actually, since now she could appreciate it on another level. On the other hand, adorning one's self with bits of metal and rock could be seen as frivolous and pointless….
The redhead shook her head and dispelled the thought. No, she decided, she liked jewelry, regardless of what her mind might want to tell her. In fact, she saw a diamond necklace she thought would look very pretty on her. She maneuvered around the lines and pointed at it. "Excuse me? I'd like to buy that necklace over there, please."
"Of course," said Naru's mother. She smiled deeply — almost evilly, thought Terra — as the transaction took place. It was pretty inexpensive for something so elegant, only a couple thousand yen. A rough calculation in her head put that at less than ten pounds sterling.
When Terra's hand brushed that of the other woman's, she felt another sharp jab somewhere inside her cranium. The girl took a step back and stared at the shopkeeper, who had already gone on to serving another anxious customer. "Something's not right about her…."
"You're telling me," sighed Naru.
Terra held her temples. "My head's hurting again. I think I'll head home." She looked at her two new friends. "Thanks for letting me come!"
"Sure!" beamed Usagi.
"No problem," said Naru. "See you tomorrow."
Terra hurried out and headed home. It wasn't like the slow, agonizing pain she'd had earlier. It was more of a pressure, like a memory politely trying to surface and explain something important to her. She clutched at her new necklace in hopes of getting it sorted out, but it was so hot it stung her palm.
She stopped. The jewel had been ice cold when it had been handed to her. Looking down at it, she saw it glow and shine brightly. A wispy thread of something that looked like a light mist flowed out from her chest to the gem.
Terra Incognita may have been a bit oblivious at times in the past, but she knew that this was not normal. She experimented with it to see if she could get the flow to change. The mist sped up, rushing into the gem at an incredible rate. She gasped when her heart skipped a beat.
But then, then flow stopped and the diamond started vibrating. It let out a high-pitched whine and finally shattered.
"Ow!" Some of it landed in Terra's eye. "Cheap foreign jewelry!" She wiped it out. Examining the remains of her necklace, she said, "How curious. I'm glad I kept the receipt."
Back at home, Terra sat down, opened her bookbag, and started on her homework. It was a little something on the highlights of Japanese history from Oda Nobunaga up until the Meiji era. She whipped out a pen and finished the worksheets in a couple of minutes. Then she realized that she actually knew nothing about Japanese history, so she went through her books and confirmed that she'd gotten the answers right.
"Hmm. That was simple. Mom! I'm going upstairs to rest up a bit. I've had a long day and need to think things over."
"All right, honey!"
Terra finally remembered to take her shoes off, since that's what Japanese people tended to do inside their houses, and went upstairs. But then she remembered that she was Irish, so she went back down and put them back on before heading up again.
She lay down and breathed a sigh of relief. Her brain churned with random activity. Whatever had just gotten unsealed obviously had a lot of catching up to do. The Celtic schoolgirl let her thoughts wander. Compared to yesterday, things felt so much simpler, and yet somehow much more complicated. She ignored what went on at the Osa-P and the incident with her necklace. There were plausible explanations for what happened.
Quick comprehension of the world around her, she considered, required that difficult outlying statistical information be left out of the equation before a properly solid view could be achieved. That meant she had to go on hard, proven evidence of things that science had discovered over the years. It all began with a bang, and nine months later, she was born.
Terra blinked at her train of thought. No, that wasn't right.
It all began with a bang, and superheated components of the universe later cooled into stars, which later allowed planets and smaller celestial objects to form. On one world, black ooze spewed out from cracks in the lithosphere while supernovas flared all around, then a comet hit the planet, shattering it, and then she was born.
"That's… that can't be it, either."
The girl pieced together a solid view of the universe, beginning with a matter explosion, leading up to the creation of the solar system, the evolution of mankind from bacteria, rats, monkeys, and other lower life forms. Civilizations rose and fell, culminating in her Irish heritage as well as the Japanese culture in which she now lived. School developed as a result of numerous factors, including the need to learn a trade as well as give the kids something else to do other than cause trouble in the mornings.
Terra nodded to herself. That felt about right. She now held the universe in her mind, condensed down to one easy formula. She took out a notepad and started writing it down. It took up several pages, but when she was just about to finish, she heard a tap at her window.
Either a branch, Terra thought, or that dreadful Star Light Knight that had been bugging her since the day before. She sighed and looked out the window. But then she stopped.
There, on the window sill, sat a most peculiar creature. At first, Terra thought it might have been some sort of giant moth, which Japan was sometimes famous for. But then she saw the whiskers, the catlike face, the fins, and tail, along with the odd green, black, and white pattern on its back, and didn't know what to make of it. What's more, it had a set of tools out and just finished jimmying open the latch on her window.
To her surprise, her bedroom door flew open instead, and in flew the creature, mystically having bypassing the window. Smiling in a cheerful way, it fluttered onto her armoire, using its tail in a manner very similar to how a hummingbird might use its wings. Then it hopped over and perched on her head.
"'Ello sez Oye ta Yew ta Me n' Yew back in return," it greeted her in a formal tone. "Who's ya wotsit, ow's ya 'shroominum?"
Terra's perfect mental view of the universe wavered, ever so slightly. "Wha…?"
"Al-yew-shroominum! Well, ya can't pick a nut'atch before sunroise if ya don't gots th' proppa' pop off th' yellow-red-green mush-rock. Isn't'chew?"
If the girl's universal theory had been a mirror, a spiderweb of cracks would have spread across it just now. "Er—"
The seal-like creature started hopping across her head back and forth such that one might imagine that it was pacing. "After awl, it's in th' lawbooks. Can't 'ave a roipe rich rhubarb rock ruffle run before Tuesday. They'd lock ya up if they did." It jumped off and fluttered around her head, asking, "Why is th' question? Wot is th' answer? Hmm? Hmm?" It produced a large mushroom from behind its back and dropped it into Terra's hands. "There ya go. Don't spend it awl in one place."
"Eh heh. Mushroom. This… seal-thing is flying around. And it's talking to me." The redheaded teen giggled nervously. I've totally cracked, she thought. The strain on my mind was too much for me. If I tell anybody about this, they'll lock me up!
On the last, desperate hope she had that she might be hallucinating, she pretended she was seeing something else and bravely commented, "Wow, they sure have big fuzzy moths here in Japan."
The thing looked offended. "Ey! Oye'z not a fuzzy moth."
Insanity one, sanity zero, thought Terra. "Um, what are you, then?"
The creature perched atop a lamp and replied proudly, "Oye's an ARBYFISH!" Then it looked her over and inquired, "Wot iz yew?"
"I'm… a junior high school student."
"Junia' 'oigh school student?" The ArbyFish whipped out a book and flipped through it. "Oh, so yew's a very rare species a' peacock? Roight! Spread ya feathers!" It briefly spread out Terra's pleated skirt to the point where her slip was showing, but then she pulled her clothes back and brushed the intruder away.
"Keep your hands — er, flippers — to yourself!"
The ArbyFish fluttered out of reach in a gleeful, impish manner. "Oh, well, Oye would, but we 'asn't outloined terms a' service n' th' end-usah loicense agreement yet."
"Terms of service and end-user license agreement?"
"A'course!" the creature replied in a jovial, salesmanlike way. "Gotta 'ave terms a' service n' marketing agreements. Wouldn't be proppa' if Oye didn't." He handed the girl a thin slice of a large mushroom with writing on it. "'Ere's me card."
Terra read the 'shroomcard and noted that it had nice printed calligraphy on it. "R.B. Fish and Associates. Indubitibility for hire, rent, sale, loan, or rent to own. Very unreasonable rates." She looked at her visitor. "You're advertising what? And… Why would you advertise unreasonable rates?"
"Oh, well, Oye dunno. Gotta make a livin' some'ow."
"And your name is R.B. Fish?"
"What does R.B. stand for?"
R.B. saluted. "Tooth, mushrooms, n' th' ArbyFish way."
"Nooo, your initials. R.B.?"
"Oh, R.B.?" The ArbyFish thought about it. "Roast Beef!"
"You're… Roast Beef Fish?!"
"No, no, no, yew asked wot R.B. meant. Oye suppose it could also mean Real Brazilian or Rheumatism Barbeque. Or Rotund Barwench, for that matta'."
"What in the world do I call you, then?!"
"R.B. Fish, the ArbyFish. Th' one n' original."
Terra shook her head. "All right, 'Arby,' why are you here?"
Arby held up a flipper. "Yew asked your questions n' now Oye ask moine." He took out a large clipboard, with a set of forms on legal-size mushroom paper.
"You're making me do paperwork before you answer more questions?"
"A'course! Ya gots ta 'ave paperwork. Wot'd th' pencil-pushers do if we didn't?"
Terra chewed her lip and reluctantly decided to fill out the forms. Looking through them, they seemed to be more of a demographic profile than anything else. They asked for statistics and wanted her to put down her name, but not her address. The information she wrote on the papers really only seemed like the sort that would be helpful for telemarketers and salesmen. Still, she left a couple of spaces blank, such as her weight and figure measurements. A girl's gotta have at least a little dignity before such an obvious insanity trip.
When Terra finished, she handed over the results, and Arby shuffled through them. "Oh, yew'z Oyerish, is ya? Faith in being gory n' awl that rot. Roight proppa' manner a' regurgitatin' the ol' Scottish tra'itions in this 'ere brandy-bush."
Terra winced. It wasn't just the creature's language — she'd been to Liverpool and heard worse. Everything about the self-proclaimed ArbyFish… hurt somehow. The mere fact of its existence was fundamental proof that there was something terribly wrong with the universe, and that something was sitting right in front of her.
"Yes, I'm Irish, but I think I'm going to become a naturalized Japanese citizen."
Arby made some smacking noises with his mouth when he finished reading. He produced an additional set of papers. "Roight! Now th' terms 'a service. Ya new ArbyFish comes with a warranty, too. If Oye breaks, yew's outta luck. Soign on th' dotted loine."
Terra took the license agreement and read through it. Just like Arby, it was just plain wrong. "I'm not signing this! It says I give you all my rights, my immortal soul… plus a million, bazillion yen! And what's this about badgers, snakes, swallows, and bits of yellow twine?!!?"
"A'course! Can't forget th' badgers. Wouldn't be proppa' otha'woise."
"I'm not paying."
Arby squinted at her. "Oh, not payin' for me services?" He started to look angry and folded his flippers defiantly. "Foine, then ya gets 'em for free!"
"Er, what if I don't want them?"
"That'd cost extra."
Terra shook her head and sighed. "Okay, fine. What now?"
Arby smiled and handed her a series of brochures entitled, "Silver Millennium Powers," "So You Want to Be a Sailor Senshi," "Energy Draining: The Truth About Earth, the Dark Kingdom, and You," and "Moon Prism Power for Dummies."
"Read 'em n' Oye'll be back in foive minutes. Got 'shrooms to attend to n' such."
The ArbyFish fluttered out unlatched the window, which opened in the wake of his presence.
Terra skimmed through the brochures. They were difficult to decipher in the ancient marketing language of the 1960s, but from what she could tell, they talked about magical girls in miniskirts, that a great evil was awakening, and something about the end of the world. Basically, it included everything that went against her perfect view of the universe. "How curious."
Arby came back inside, carrying a bunch of school supplies. "Roight! So, ya knows awl about the Negamafoozles n' wot they wants ta dew, roight?"
"I think so. You're saying that if I don't help out, the world will be destroyed."
"They comes from th' Negamafoozleverse. Ya gots ta foind 'em and whack 'em, ya see."
"And what's this about running around in a miniskirt, fighting evil?"
"That's wot these is for," Arby explained, dumping the supplies on Terra's bed. He held up a mushroom. "'Ere, lookit this."
"That's a mushroom."
Arby shook his head. "No, no, no, it's—" He looked at it. "Oh, so it is." He tossed mushroom over his shoulder.
He pulled out another one. "Eat this instead."
"I recognize that. That's a hallucinogenic mushroom!"
"No, no, no, it's a Madagascar Metamorphic Meddling Monogonal Meandering
"Oh, that's all right, then."
"They's 'oighly 'allucinogenic, too!"
"Then I don't want one."
"Aw, c'mon. Just a li'l one? Tastes great on a cracker…"
Arby reluctantly put it away. "Foine, then." From the pile of school supplies, he took out a heart-shaped locket. "Put this on th' bow of ya sailor suit."
Terra took the locket and examined it. "Why?" But then she decided that it was actually quite a nice-looking object, and suited her quite nicely. She snapped it onto the front part of her dress, on the bow over her chest.
"Now say, 'Shroom Prism Powah!'"
"'Shroom Prism Power?" Terra asked. Nothing happened. "Why?"
"Oye dunno. Just wanted ta see if yew'd say it."
"Arby!" Terra scolded the ArbyFish.
"The real phrase is: Moon Prism Power."
"Moon Prism Power?"
The locket blinked and let off a few toyish squeaks. In the next instant, Terra was flung into the air upside-down and smashed her rear against the roof. In a puff of pink smoke, her sailor outfit was replaced by yet another sailor outfit, this one considerably odder-feeling and certainly more strange-looking than her last one. The white bits of her previous outfit had merged into a sort of leotard, her skirt was now pink, several inches shorter, and connected to that leotard, she had pink knee-length boots on, and wore a lot of jewelry, including crescent-moon earrings, a tiara, and a pair of cone-shaped jeweled barrettes in her hair.
Terra landed hard on her bed. "Arby!"
"There ya go! Yew's now Sailor Chibimoon, ready to whack some Negamafoozles."
"That hurt, Arby!"
"Oh, well, we'll foind more open spaces before dewin' it again. 'Ere, yew'z just a li'l chibby sushi, yew is!"
"Chibi? You mean, like, little? I'm fourteen, you know. Why Chibimoon?"
Arby shrugged. "Oye dunno. Oye just makes th' deliveries. Wots'isbucket — th' Loight Noight—"
"The Star Light Knight? That jerk, he sent you?!"
Arby looked away. "Nope! Can't tell. 'Snot in th' terms a' service."
"But I didn't sign the terms of service!"
"In-deed! By not soigning th' terms a' service, yew agreed to 'em. Look, it sez roight 'ere!"
The heated conversation dissipated when an explosion rocked the landscape. Terra — er, Sailor Chibimoon — rushed to look out the window.
"Something's happening at the Osa-P!" Chibimoon exclaimed.
"They's th' Negamafoozles," Arby noted. "Wots'er'face's in trouble."
"Naru's in danger," Chibimoon whispered. "I have to go help her!" She whipped out her notepad, scribbled something down, ripped it out, and rushed down the steps, putting the note on the table as she left.
"Oh my!" said Kasumi as she watched her daughter leave, along with the ArbyFish. She picked up the note and read it.
Terra's mother put down the note and pondered this turn of events, and then clasped her hands together in joy. "They're growing up so fast these days!" She went back to cleaning the dishes. "I hope that fuku's warm enough for her. It gets very cold at night here." She hummed her favorite tune to herself.
To be continued.
And now it's time for… "MIND YOUR MANNERS!" with Sailor Nuke.
(Terra yelps in surprise during her pop quiz.)
Sailor Nuke: Today, we learned how important it is to get noticed.
(The First Harbinger of Destruction slashes town at Terra.)
Sailor Kawaii (butts in): Some people have to shout it out to get noticed, but that's not the best way.
(S.L.K. catches the Harbinger's bladed claw.)
Sailor Kawaii: But stick to being cute and you won't even have to move a muscle!
(Terra's about to comprehend the meaning of the universe.)
Sailor Nuke: But sometimes, if you just can't stand that stuck-up guy or gal that keeps flaunting themselves, go for the direct approach — the best approach!
(Arby flies in and totally messes up Terra's train of thought.)
Sailor Kawaii: You have to get in, do the bare minimum of what you have to—
Sailor Nuke: But if that won't work, and trust me, it usually doesn't, roll a grenade in and come in firing!
(The Osa-P jewelry store erupts into flames.)
Sailor Nuke: Sailor Nuke sez. BWAHAHAHHAHAHAAAA!
Sailor Kawaii: And Sailor Kawaii says. Tee-hee!
Author: This is like… a bunch of marketing people got a hold of the series and decided to rewrite it. Who did this?!
Arby (flutters in): Oye did! Roight proppa' marketing techniques, it is!
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