A Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon story
by Benjamin A. Oliver
Disclaimer: Sailor Moon is owned by Takeuchi Naoko, Koudansha, TV Asahi, and Toei Douga, and DIC.
Two people walked calmly along a street.
They were the first to become victims of Creatures From Another Planet.
"How are you?" one asked.
"Jolly good, and yourself?" the other asked.
"Oh, just fine."
The flying saucer descended, casting a thin, white ray.
*BZZZZZT* The people were suddenly turned into Scotsmen.
Bagpipe music played as they shuffled quickly over the horizon towards Scotland. Hordes of others began to do the same.
"Neflyte!" Queen Beryl called.
Nephrite appeared. "Yes, Queen Beryl?"
"I have taken a look at this… piece of crayon-scrawled thing you call a plan—" Beryl said, indicating a piece of paper she held.
"What?!" Nephrite asked in shock. He grabbed the paper and read it. His eyes narrowed. "Zoicite!"
"—and I have come to the conclusion that—" Beryl continued.
"NO! No! Wait, it wasn't me! It was Zoicite!" Nephrite said, waving his arms defensively. Zoicite appeared in a shower of flower petals.
"Don't try to weasel out of it, 'Neflyte'. That's your plan. Ha ha ha ha!" Zoicite said, lifting her hand to her mouth as she laughed. Nephrite clenched his fist.
"—it's wonderful! Good work, Neflyte!" Queen Beryl said. It was Zoicite's turn to be shocked. Nephrite smiled and unclenched his fist.
"Thank you, Queen Beryl," Nephrite said, then teleported.
"It's a good plan, but don't push it, Neflyte," Beryl said testily.
"What?" Nephrite asked, having only teleported across the room.
Beryl buried her head in her hands and sighed. "Nothing. Proceed with your plan to find the identities of the Sailor Scouts," she said, then perked up a little. "But it is a good plan."
Nephrite smiled once more, then teleported away.
"But… but I wrote that plan!" Zoicite whined.
"Sure you did, Zoicite, sure you did!" Beryl said, waving her off.
"Never. I… WILL… NEVER… SUBMIT," Atomic Starlight Knight said defiantly as he fought valiantly against the restraints. They would not budge. His enemy was not impressed by his bravery, however. It merely stood a distance off, taunting him with its every word.
"o/Best friends, best friends! You and me are best friends!/o" The cute yellow bipedal triceratops sang as it merrily hopped across the stage. Backup singers were available at every turn: an Apatosaurus, a Pterodactyl, and a few others.
No foe so far had been this fearsome. The psychological torture was tearing him apart. "STOP!!! THIS CANNOT BE ALLOWED TO CONTINUE!!" A.S.K. cried out. The main singer stopped, but the background continued. "Tell me… What do you want?!"
The yellow dinosaur smiled and wheeled in a large mirror.
Atomic Starlight Knight gazed in horror at the reflection of a small, cute, orange-haired girl, whom he recognized as…
The Pretty Sailor-Suited One-shot Senshi Sailor Stylin'!!!
The dinosaur giggled and tied a ribbon in A.S.K.'s hair.
A.S.K. gritted his teeth and grimaced, looking up at his enemy. "No… That's not true! That's impossible! I am not, and will never choose to be… THAT!!!"
The triceratops chose that moment to speak…
*WOOOP*WOOOP*WOOOP!!* Alarms were going crazy at the Jupiter Base. The Atomic Starlight Knight awoke with a start, did a backflip out of bed, ignited a lightsaber, and blindly slashed through a table, digging a huge gouge into the wall.
"AAAAAAAHHHH!!! MAKE IT STOP!!" the tall, green-armored knight yelled, wild eyed, slicing his radio in two.
The alarms and music stopped.
A.S.K. slowed down as he realized what was happening, or more importantly: what was not. "Um, where did the frolicking dinosaurs go?! Am I to be their plaything in revenge for my destruction of their precious moonberries?!"
He closed his eyes and concentrated. "I must not listen to the Cuteness… Cuteness is the mind killer… Cuteness is the adorable little death that brings total annihilation. I will face my Cuteness… It will pass over me and through me, and only I will remain."
The green-armored knight shook himself a notch higher towards a conscious state. "Whoa, what happened?"
[You were dreaming again,] the computer said. A.S.K. stopped and squinted in the darkness, not seeing anything except the lights of the replicator.
"Was I? Or is this another trick?!" A.S.K. asked in a paranoid stupor of thought. He then shook himself further out of the nightmare. "Wait a sec… The replicator… I'm home! Auntie Em, Uncle Whatshisname!" He thought for a while longer. "Oh yeah, the alarms… Computer, what is it?"
[The inhabitants of Earth are slowly being turned into Scotsmen,] the computer said urgently.
"Whew!" A.S.K. said, relieved, "I was afraid it was something dangerous… like singing dinosaurs." A.S.K. shuddered as he recalled the experience, then stopped as he thought the computer's last statement over. "Wait… um, Computer, is this like the time you—"
[No, it's real this time,] the computer said. A.S.K. stumbled over to the replicator, gouging a hole into the wall since he hadn't deactivated his light saber yet.
"Tea, Ol' Green. Freezing cold," A.S.K. said to the replicator, picking up his beverage and simultaneously digging a deeper hole in the wall. "Okay, what's causing it?" He took a sip.
[A flying saucer filled with cake-based life forms.]
"You're (HACK) absolutely sure your (COUGH) AI program isn't malfunctioning again? I mean, 'cake-based' life forms?" A.S.K. asked incredulously, trying to get the fluid out of his lungs, or the magical equivalent thereof.
[All functions are performing within specified parameters,] the computer said cheerfully. A.S.K. sighed, lifting up his cup and pouring the contents on his face.
"Oh, yeah, that's the stuff," the green-armored knight said, his existence briefly going into a state of flux, then solidifying as the effect wore off.
[Shouldn't something be done about this?] The Computer asked. A.S.K. shrugged, slicing across a control panel. Sparks flew all over the place, but he was too far out of it to notice.
"Oh, all right. Make a call to the Galaxy Police or something," A.S.K. said indifferently.
[You're certain you do not wish to deal with it yourself?] the computer asked, a little surprised.
"No. I need to finish repairs to my SKULL!" A.S.K. said emphatically, "Do you realize precisely how many concussions I received in helping to stop that last draining attempt?!"
[Four hundred thirty three,] the artificial intelligence said cheerfully.
A.S.K. winced, feeling every one. "Given the fact that I only have one head— okay, not counting Terra's— but since the link isn't really up to snuff anyway, that doesn't count," he said, then shook his head, and suddenly wished he hadn't. "Ow! Computer, let me tell you about a time when I blew up a lot more, and I DIDN'T get my head slammed around… quite so much. Like that fight with that space pirate… why can't more battles be like that?"
~~~ Begin Flashback ~~~
"En garde, touché!" the blue-haired space pirate said playfully to the terrified guard, swinging her energy weapon inches from his face.
"Wh-wha-what do you wa-want?!" the guard asked as his weapon was knocked from his grasp.
"Your treasure or your life," the pirate said with a playful smile on her face. She wore a fake eye patch, signifying that this fight was purely for fun. Not that any of the locals knew that, though.
"I don't have any -UMPH- treasure!" the guard said as he slumped against a wall. The pirate shrugged and knocked the guard cold.
"Miyah!" said a small furry creature sitting on the pirate's shoulder. The pirate stroked the fur of the creature and gave it a carrot. The creature also wore a fake eye patch.
"Good girl," the space pirate told the creature.
The recent attack had— once again— taken the system by surprise, only a few days after the Senshi had been totally incapacitated in another battle. All inners and two of the outers were in a coma, Sailor Pluto had disappeared, and Saturn's elder Senshi had been killed in the battle to protect her homeworld, leaving no protector capable of fighting off any major threats.
The new attack had also centered on Saturn. Their shattered forces were unable to withstand the onslaught. The attackers consisted of only one ship and one pirate, but they were more than sufficient to take out any remaining defenses.
"Um… Uh… BOOT TO THE HEAD!" a girl cried out as she leapt feet first at the pirate.
The pirate easily dodged and caught the girl's wrists as she sped past.
The space pirate held her up and looked into her eyes, smiling. "Your loot, or you're dead," she said, lightly laughing at the girl's attack.
"Terra! Get out of there!" Nephrite called, moving into the open, preparing to do whatever necessary to ensure Terra's safety. He had been sent initially to escort Terra to Mars in order to consult the Sacred Fire on what to do with her.
He had volunteered for the job when the Moon had requested assistance. One of the main things that needed doing was to tell whether Terra was really who she said she was. Mars had been the first option. However, Mars was being extremely paranoid in light of the attack and refused to let them land.
The next option was a certain mirror in the care of the outer Senshi. It was a long haul, but it had to be done for the security of the solar system. Nephrite didn't really mind the trip; Terra was actually quite a pleasant person to guard. She didn't even need to be shackled (Thirty percent of the population thought that she was responsible for the entire problem and wanted her taken out in the street and executed, so restraints were an option that was heavily advised).
Nephrite's search for the mirror had brought them to Saturn. Soon after their arrival, however, an attack had begun. Anyone with combat capabilities strong enough to make a difference was asked to aid in the defense.
Nephrite had instructed Terra to find shelter while he tried to help fight, but she had simply shook her head and ran (at a phenomenal rate) toward the new attacker. Given how well-behaved Terra had previously been, he hadn't anticipated her to do that. He had anticipated her to do more of a—
["GET ON WITH IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" The readers collectively shout.]
AHEM! Before I was so rudely interrupted—
["GET. ON. WITH. IT!!!!!!!!" Lightning flash.]
—I was going to say that he had anticipated her to do more of a—
["GET ON WITH IT!!!!!!!!" Purple glow.]
—dance, maybe even follow his instructions, or—
["GET-ON-WITH-IT!!!!!!!!" Clang of a warhammer.]
Er, yes. Well, the next bit is a lovely scene—
[Sounds of violence as the narrator is replaced.
"I call upon the powers of the stars," Nephrite began quickly, "Sagittarius the teapot, come forth!"
A large teapot appeared, dumping its molten, sticking contents on the pirate. The furry creature on her shoulder deftly hopped out of the way of the stream.
"OwOwOwOw!" the pirate said, jumping out of the deluge of hot liquid.
"Hurts, don't it?" Terra said gleefully, the stream having missed her.
"I think you're enjoying this a little too much, Terra!" Nephrite said, trying to move in to retrieve her.
"What is this stuff?!" the pirate asked in agony, shaking as she tried to remove the molten material, eventually building up enough momentum to shot-put Terra a few miles away as she lost her grip.
"TERRA!" Nephrite called in shock, beginning to attempt a teleport to prevent her eventual slam to the ground. He teleported successfully, but the rescue attempt was over when he was slashed from behind by the pirate, who had followed him via her own teleport. (Good thing his subconscious had gone to red alert and activated an energy shield…)
"Not so fast, kettle boy!" the pirate said, having resolved that little problem with the molten material.
"I call upon the power of the (WHAM!) —" Nephrite began until stopped when the pirate's fist penetrated his energy shield and dealt a nasty blow that would have been quite disfiguring to your average human.
"My face!" Nephrite moaned, in horrible pain.
"My hand!" the pirate moaned, also in horrible pain.
What can I say? The guardians had thick heads.
Terra broke through five feet of crumbling stone, landing relatively softly on a conveniently placed granite slab.
OUUUAAAARRGG! THAT WAS… THAT was… that was actually quite enjoyable. It's been what? Five days since I got in any good destruction? Terra thought, getting up and dusting herself off.
More or less. All right, status report, Terra thought back.
Oh, I'm fine.
Good. Where am I and what's going on?! the former galactic destroyer asked herself, looking around.
Well, I appear to be in an armory of some sort… there's magic all over the place, and Nephrite's having an interesting time with the pirate.
Aw, why should he have all the fun?
Because I have almost zilch when it comes to energy. I used most of it up tossing that last blast back on the Moon… did you see how ineffective that so-called 'Boot to the Head' was?
Hey, I just invented it! I had to do something. Is there anything I can do?
Nothing at all?
Well, probably… These weapons in here are pretty high on the energy count, but it would take quite a powerful source to stop that thing out there… What is it exactly?
It's… it's an aspiring planet destroyer!
"That's so cute!" Terra whispered to herself, remembering the first few worlds she blew up, nine billion years ago.
Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Terra thought to herself, much to her dismay.
Quiet! Terra stopped the inner conflict and began looking around for a suitable weapon. Most of the more powerful ones had some pretty tough defensive magic designed to block their power from being activated by unauthorized users.
Fortunately, Terra retained her energy manipulation abilities from her past existence as what you could call an ARMAGEDDON-OUTTAHERE class monster. She could duplicate nearly any energy type used in her presence, and could modify most types to suit her needs if she had enough reserve energy to do it.
Locking magic usually didn't involve tremendous quantities of energy to get through; only the proper type, so she could certainly crack a few security spells.
Wait… THAT'S IT! she thought, picking up a weapon with an interesting design. It was essentially a very long, thin staff with an oddly shaped blade on the tip. It radiated huge quantities of destructive energy.
Perfect, she thought with an evil grin.
"—UPON-THE-POWER-OF-THE-STARS!!!" Nephrite finally managed to finish, tossing an energy blast the pirate's direction, who promptly vanished.
The brown-haired guardian teleported a few feet away, barely being missed by another strike from the pirate. The fight so far had been rather tedious: The pirate would try a slash or blast and Nephrite would teleport out of the way. Nephrite would call upon his powers to blast the pirate or send a constellation after her, and she would teleport out of the way, or dissipate the constellation.
"Might as well try a pile of metal bars!" the pirate said in response to Nephrite's next blast. She slashed a support beam from a nearby building, destabilizing the structure and causing it to collapse on him.
"That was fun," the pirate said, looking around. "Anyone else?"
*KERBLAMMO!* She was hit with a large blast of concentrated energy, sending her spiraling off, crashing hard into the ground.
A triumphant battlecry went up as Terra surged forward, floating a few inches off the ground and glowing with the energy she was channeling from the weapon.
"That was pretty good," the pirate said, standing, wiping a thin trail of blood from her cheek, "who are you?"
Say something impressive! Terra thought. She agreed that it was probably a good idea. The first strike had been made. It was speech time.
"I am Terra, your worst nightmare—" the small redhead began.
The pirate clearly wasn't impressed.
"—I am the champion of destruction—" Terra continued darkly (a difficult task to do effectively when speaking in a nine-year-old girl's voice, without sounding cute to one degree or another.).
The pirate looked bored. Terra knew she had to get this speech done quickly, or face the possibility of not getting her point across. It simply wouldn't be proper in a battle to save a world.
"—and the BOOT TO THE HEAD THAT'S GOING TO KICK YOU ALL THE WAY BACK OUT OF THIS SOLAR SYSTEM!!" Terra yelled, then decided the speech needed something more. "I am Death Incarnate, and the last thing you are ever going to see. Bob sent me."
The pirate smirked.
"What? Was that a little over the top?" Terra asked, worried. "This is my first real person-to-person combat… Anything I need to fix?"
The light-blue haired pirate smiled. "How about… if you want to win," she, then thought for a few seconds, "rhyme to counterattack!"
That's an odd battle tactic, Terra thought, but it's no time to argue semantics now, I guess.
The pirate charged forward with the sentence:
"Every enemy I met I've annihilated!"
The cyan-haired pirate winced at the insult.
Terra took advantage of the pirate's minor distraction, swinging with her weapon, which was barely parried by the pirate's energy sword. Power swirled in ribbons around Terra, creating a strong energy field. The pirate raised an eyebrow, but was not otherwise affected.
"I'll skewer you like a sow at a buffet!"
Terra yelled, going on the offensive.
"You're the ugliest monster ever created!"
the pirate led off.
The pirate ducked as the ribbons shot out from Terra in a very large stream of destructive energy, obliterating the unfortunate moon that just happened to be behind her. The pirate's jaw dropped a little as she saw this.
"Killing you would be justifiable
homicide!" Terra said maniacally, a fanatical grin on her
face. The pirate glanced at the broken chunks of the destroyed moon in
the sky and turned back to Terra.
Losing her grin, Terra dodged a swipe and blocked with the staff part of her weapon.
"I'll hound you night and day!"
the pirate continued.
*BLAM!!!* It was not nearly as powerful as the last blast, but the pirate was unable to dodge or teleport in time and sustained a direct hit.
"That hurt!" the pirate
said, getting back up.
"All right, you win!" the pirate said defensively, jumping out of the path of Terra's weapon.
"It'll take years of exercise for you to get thin!" Terra growled, in a fighting frenzy.
The pirate made an attempt, but was unable to teleport due to her injuries. She took off her fake eye patch. "This ain't funny anymore, girl."
"One look at you and your next boyfriend'll hurl!" Terra said, dark red ribbons building up around her.
The pirate gritted her teeth, and glanced around in search of her cabbit. Seeing her, she desperately called for help. "Ryo-oh-ki!"
The small, furry creature nodded, meowing, then jumped into the air and bulked up into a large, crystalline starship—
*Blam*Blam*SMASH!* —which brought to bear some really nice firepower on Terra. All of it was absorbed against the ribbons. The pirate climbed aboard her ship and left at maximum velocity.
"Come back! I'm not through with you yet! AUGH! YA MOTHER WAS A MAD SCIENTIST AND YOUR FATHER SMELT OF ELDERBERRIES!!!" Terra yelled, waving her weapon in the air madly.
She then felt a presence behind her.
Terra stopped, turned and saw that it was Nephrite. The ribbons around the redheaded girl dissipated and she stopped floating in the air, landing softly.
"Terra, you're alive! What happened?" Nephrite asked, watching the ship depart, then turned back towards Terra. "And what are you doing with the Silence Glaive?!"
Terra looked at the Glaive, then back up to Nephrite, then attempted halfheartedly to conceal it behind her back, not that she could, though. "I, um, uh," Terra began, not being able to find an explanation good enough, but was able to find a phrase to suit her new predicament. "Oh my."
~~~ End Flashback ~~~
"A few 'cute' acts and a short investigation later, I was given a commendation for saving the planet. Had to keep that one classified since Saturn's government didn't want it getting out that someone besides their Senshi could use the Glaive. It also turned out that the moon I destroyed was uninhabited, AND was causing massive seismic activity on the population centers. You just couldn't blow things up back then without some positive result! That was a great time. Soon after that, Queen Serenity found out about it and that other threat that I got rid of on the way back, and that I had no existing parents, so she decided to adopt me! Oh, sure, about a tenth of the population still thought I was guilty of mass destruction and death— and I was, make no mistake— but I guess Mom was always one for bold political statements, so there I was—" the Atomic Starlight Knight said until being cut off by the computer.
"What is it?" A.S.K. asked, a bit annoyed at being cut off.
[You're babbling again,] the computer said.
"Was I? Oh, well, the point that I was first trying to make is that four hundred concussions isn't an easy thing to get… or get over, so I really do need to recover, got it?" the mentally projected knight said, letting his arms hang, allowing the light saber to cut into the floor.
[Confirmed. But there are some other things you need to know.]
"Like what?" A.S.K. asked drowsily, walking back to his bed, lengthening the gash in the floor.
[Chances are seventy-five percent in favor of another Negaverse attack within the next twenty-four hours. I recommend search and destroy.]
"Yeah, normally me too, but… Aw, they can handle it!" A.S.K. said, returning to a comfortable position on his bed, armor scraping against the bedpost and light saber cutting a hole in the floor. "Anything I REALLY need to know?"
[Severe damage is detected in your quarters.]
A.S.K. instantly bolted upright.
"How did that happen?! Did we have another intruder?! Are those acid-bleeding aliens back?!" A.S.K. asked, alarmed, waving his arms wildly and demolishing his nightstand.
"Then what caused the damage?!"
[Upon the last occurrence, I was instructed to relay the following message should this event occur:] the Computer said, then replayed A.S.K.'s voice, "Not another hull breach!! Now I remember why I never used these!"
"What does that have to do with anything?!" A.S.K. asked, then realized something. "Computer, lights."
The lights came on.
The Atomic Starlight Knight saw the massive damage to the room. "What could have caused…" He trailed off as he saw what he held. "Oops, eh heh… Sorry, Computer. Maybe you're working right after all."
[It should never have been a question. The 9000 series has a perfect professional record,] the computer said.
A.S.K. thought about that last statement; he was sure he had heard something like that from somewhere else. He quickly shrugged, dismissing that as he snuggled up against his really comfy pillow.
"Okay, what else, in your 'professional' opinion do I need to know?" A.S.K. asked, lying back down.
[It is of the utmost importance that you see a brain specialist and receive immediate psychiatric assistance.]
A.S.K. rolled his eyes. "Yeah, shyadupp. Anything besides that?" he snapped, annoyed.
[Tuxedo Mask has invited the entire female junior high population on a date.]
A.S.K. blinked. He sat up. He raised an eyebrow. He coughed. His eyes bugged out as he processed this new information. "What the… but… but that's… THAT'S INSANE!!!" he said, getting up, his massive cerebral trauma forgotten.
[A reminder: You do not have the monopoly on insanity.]
"We'll see about that."
Serena's mom had asked her to go and check the mail.
"Let's see… bill, bill, invitation to a romantic evening, bill…" Serena said to herself, trailing off when she checked that last item again.
"Invitation to a romantic evening?! It's for me!" Serena said, checking who it was addressed to. She double-checked who it was from.
"Oh, it's from Tuxedo Mask," the blonde girl said, somewhat disappointed. She glanced at her watch. "EEK! I'm going to be late!"
"May the holder of this become a servant of… oh, I don't know… beans and frankfurters er… Slartibartfast— NO! Umm… May the holder of this… do something, okay?!" Atomic Starlight Knight intoned, activating a variation on Nephrite's possession technique. A symbol glowed on the card. It looked like a caricature of a stuffed teddy bear.
It was all part of a great plan to give Tux-Boy a lesson; one he would never forget. There had been some arguments as to exactly how to deal with this situation, none of which had been resolved due to the extreme lack of head banging, musical or physical.
I just can't think today, can I? A.S.K. thought.
Yes. I can't… Er, no, I can… Er, um, uh… ARGHHH!
Oh, go see a brain specialist or something.
Never! I will NEVER submit to some highly trained neurologist prodding my not-so-simplistic mind!
Either you go, or I do.
No. None of the above. Nein. Negatory, good buddy.
Fine, then. You go, or I begin studying Anything Goes Martial Arts Self Head Bashing.
Ha! You could never do that! You're too much of a wimp!
Yeah? Well, um, I'M YOU!
Ouch, that hurt. Fine, then I'm a so… not-strong former scourge of the universe that couldn't destroy a planet if his existence depended on it!!
You take that back!
No. Not to mention that I'm a pansy. A big, little, stupid weakling PANSY!
Grrr… Either you go now, or… MENTAL BOOT TO THE HEA--
"Shut up! Shut up! Everyone just SHUT UP!!!" A.S.K. yelled, beginning to raise his hand to bang his head, then stopped, not really wishing to cause any more fractures in his skull. This conflict had to end somehow, though. Oh, all right. Fine, I'll go… But ONLY because you asked nicely.
Atomic Starlight Knight teleported to the nearest hospital.
Molly exited the house and checked the mail. She perked up at the message from one 'Tuxedo Mask.' She didn't even notice the slight aura that was beginning to surround her.
Ah, yes, it was a lovely morning to take a stroll down the street to school. The sun was shining, there were just the right amount of clouds, the right type of birds chirping, and everything was… well… lovely.
That is, until a red-headed girl in a school uniform with a similarly dressed blonde trailing behind her ran by, tearing up the highway… literally.
Terra was in a hurry. She saw Serena running to school, so she had decided to be nice and help her get there. She also had to get to exactly the same classroom, so why not?
"Wheeee!" Serena said, enjoying the ride.
Well, look at that… I guess that means kilts are back in style, Terra thought, hopping over a few crowds. The bagpipe music isn't all that bad, either… But I can worry about that later. I need to get to school!
Terra had analyzed the problem, checked her time against the school's time, and determined that she was still a mile away and only had two seconds to make it to class.
And she had her heart set on being on time.
*BOOOM!* The reinforced, triple-layer Plexiglas shuddered from the noise. Given the recent increase in property damage, insurance companies had gladly replaced the windows with stronger materials.
"What was that?!" an ordinary, random, run-of-the-mill student asked.
"Sonic boom," Amy, Melvin, and Ms. Haruna said together.
"Oh," the ordinary, random, run-of-the-mill student who was wearing an original Star Trek Starfleet uniform with a red top replied calmly as he was thrown into the wall from the sudden gust of wind. The bell rang, signaling the beginning of class.
"And the only ones absent are Terra and— Oh, there you are," Ms. Haruna said. "Now, 'Lieutenant', could you please peel yourself off the wall?"
"Yes, sir… ma'am… sir, whatever," the cannon fodder redshirt extra said. This one had been inadvertently sent back through some wormhole or something and had a critical temporal mission to accomplish before he went home. Odds were fifty-to-one that he got blasted before the end of the episode.
"Just call me 'Captain' if it's that big of a problem," the teacher said, rolling her eyes. This person had popped out of the blue, claiming to be in her class, and insisted on keeping an impossibly military attitude, and never turned in a single assignment without writing 'Security Officer's Log', at the beginning of it; but she didn't want to have to worry about that now. She had more annoying fish to fry. "Now, as you know, all of the girls have been invited to a 'romantic evening'."
All of the girls were surprised that they weren't the only one invited. Serena and Amy looked at each other inquisitively. Molly was still too busy thinking about her invitation to notice. Terra just smiled. ^_^
"I've been asked to come along as a chaperone," Ms. Haruna said in a supporting tone, then mumbled, "Yeah, like I want to spend my evening babysitting a bunch of teenagers."
Disguises, disguises… Making one's self look different than normal is an invaluable tool, especially for former mega-galactic-destroyer types… But we've already covered that to a certain degree in another chapter.
Anyway, disguises are also useful for people working on a slightly smaller scale. Take… oh, say… Nephrite, for example. He, as a powerful youma general, could cast something that could alter his physical appearance; you know, eye color, hair color, face, that sort of thing. I was going to call it a 'glamour', but then I remembered: This is DIC continuity. I do not believe that a 'glamour' was mentioned even once… So I've decided to break past that little inhibition and call it a 'glamour' anyway! So there. Happy now?
Where was I? Oh yeah… disguises. Extremely useful, yadda, yadda, yadda… But it lacks the charm of going out and modifying your DNA for simple cosmetic things. Oh well, as they say: There are certain rules you have to follow: You don't chew with your mouth open, you don't open an airlock when someone's in it, AND YOU DON'T CHANGE YOUR DNA!
But, yeah, like that's going to stop Nephrite from going and renting a tuxedo as part of the 'wonderful' plan. Not that it has anything to do with DNA, mind you, but it does make an interesting conversation topic.
"Would you like the cape, top hat, and extending cane additions? Or the trench coat, fedora, and magic umbrella?" the salesman asked.
"I don't know… It's a rough choice," Nephrite said, browsing through the various tuxedo designs.
"You don't have to decide now. You also get a free rose holster with every purchase," the salesman said.
"Hmm… Any other options?" Nephrite asked.
"Let's see… roses come in three different styles: red, yellow, or the new mood roses!"
"Yeah, the roses are black when you're evil, red when you're protecting someone out of love, white if you're fighting out of duty, or purple if you're fighting for the sheer unadulterated heck of it!" the salesman said excitedly.
"Well… I'd better go with the top hat and cape with red roses," Nephrite said, then looked around nervously, "and can I get a white mask with that? I'm trying to look like a mysterious hero."
The salesman shrugged. "Sure."
It was at this time that Nephrite did something unheard of among youma: He paid for his purchases and just walked out. No draining attempt, no long, drawn-out speech about how he'd get the ones who had stopped his plan… not even a teleportation; he had simply walked out.
The salesman sighed. He remembered his own life with the Moon Kingdom and had recognized Nephrite. The salesman had a full recollection of his past life. However, he wanted no part in the battles that were sure to follow, so he just did his job. That's what he's always done…
~~~ Begin Flashback ~~~
"Here, sir, we have cursed training ground of—" The Guide began, then stopped as the man in green armor walked right passed him. "Sir?"
"'Scuse me, research trip!" the man said, staring deeply into a brochure, trying desperately to decipher the words, not noticing the numerous pools of water he kept nearly falling into.
The Guide was worried at first, then calmed down when he saw that the man wasn't going to fall in, at least until he noticed that the man was headed straight toward a certain pool he knew all too well.
"SIR!!!!!! VERY BAD IF YOU FALL INTO SPRING!!!" The Guide shouted, trying to get the attention of the man… but it was too late.
*SPLASH* "AAAAH!" he yelled, his voice becoming more of a scream as his voice went up a few octaves and his body shrank.
The Guide shook his head and sighed. "You fall into Spring of Drowned Super-Deformed character. Very tragic story of annoying little person I drown here last week." He said that last sentence with more than a little malice.
The SD-man-in-green-armor forced his way out of the pool and concentrated.
The Guide started to pull out a kettle of hot water he always had for the visitors who wouldn't listen. That was when he saw the SD-character seemingly force himself back to normal. It was rather unusual for tourists to change back without hot water.
"Sir?! How—" The Guide began, surprised.
"Energy manipulation. Lots and LOTS of energy manipulation," the green-armored guy said, then blinked several times, adjusted his neck, then wrinkled his nose and sniffed as he suppressed the transformation. "Whoa, these curses really clear up your sinuses!"
~~~ End Flashback ~~~
Yes, the salesman tried to do his job, but there were always surprises: The guy who could resist a curse, that odd temporary Nyannichuan rainstorm… and there was also Nephrite dropping in for a tuxedo. Perhaps there was something he should do about it. Yes, he could bring back some of the ancient weapons to combat the Negaverse. He could train his friends, he could conduct covert operations, he could… he could…
The salesman sighed and shook his head.
"Naaah," he said, then returned to his work.
A.S.K.'s computer worked on sending a message to the Galaxy Police… or something… just as instructed. The computer tied into a subspace network, looking for someone to contact. It eventually hacked into a computer network that seemed to be part of something that was… at least similar to law enforcement.
The computer shrugged cybernetically. [Well, he did say 'or something'.]
The computer also made sure to ask for someone with a good destruction record. [He likes explosions,] the computer computed, aiming to please, completely unaware of the computer virus it was inadvertently sending along.
"Why did that jerk have to park his ship the way he did?!" the buxom redhead asked rhetorically.
"There was a perfectly clear parking zone on the other side, Kei," her companion said.
"Are you nuts, Yuri?! Did you want to walk around the whole SDF-1?!"
"Still, you didn't have to land on a Valkyrie," Yuri said.
An intercom crackled. [Will da (hic) Lovery Angelesh (hic) plaeshe rapourte ta (hic) resheive new ordersh,] a drunken-sounding computer voice said. The Lovely Angels looked at each other, shrugged, then left the high-tech parking lot.
"WHAT KIND OF ORDERS ARE THESE?!" Kei asked incredulously.
"It seems fairly clear to me, Kei," Yuri said, "We go out to the spiral arm, find the planet, and destroy the cause of the transformations."
Kei stared at her. "Yuri, we've just been asked to go and blow up a spacecraft filled with cake-based life forms that are turning people into Scotsmen! Doesn't this strike you as the least bit odd?"
Yuri thought about it. "Come to think of it, lately, the Central Computer has been acting a bit stranger than usual…"
"A bit?! The file on the one who requested the visit was more than a 'bit' strange," Kei said.
"A figment of the imagination of a reincarnation of an adopted princess of a magical kingdom… yes, it was rather odd," Yuri said.
Kei fumed. "You didn't read the attached file, did you?!" she said, her voice dripping with annoyance, "It also said that he— yes, Yuri, he— was also a nine-billion-year-old destroyer of galaxies, an admiral of a small fleet, had defeated a space pirate, made a sayajin go into diabetic shock, managed to block out temporal scanning, rewritten reality, destroyed several major timelines, loved to blow things up and was about to undergo major brain surgery!"
"Are you suggesting that the CC has finally lost it?" Yuri asked. Kei nodded. Yuri was about to speak, but was interrupted by an angry, primal yell.
"Zen?" Yuri asked.
"IT… ERASED… ZEN'S… WORK," Zen said, walking in, currently in his male form, impossibly angry, grabbing a conveniently placed corner of wall, tearing it off and whacking the floor as hard as he could with it. Even Kei was shocked.
"Um, Zen?" Kei began, "Wh-what's wrong?"
Zen turned to Kei, fire in his eyes, "It… DELETED Zen's work on the next part of Long and Winding Road. Zen was about to send it in when that…" Zen paused to take a deep breath and to calculate the proper adjectives, "&$(&#@$ (*^@*#$^ *@#$^*# @^$#—"
Kei and Yuri winced. This went on for quite a while.
"—#$E$#*&$* computer erased it!!" Zen grabbed Kei by her shoulders and looked into her eyes. "Now they will never leave Zen alone."
"Um, Zen, we have a mission!" Yuri said, hoping that she would be able to distract Zen from whatever violence he had intended. "We, um, have to complete it before we can talk to the CC again… yeah, that's it!"
Zen seemed to calm down. His eyes, however, still showed that he was merely suppressing it. "Yes, Zen will complete this mission… then Zen will take a very large axe to the CC's main database and give it a reprogramming that it will NEVER forget," he said in a carefully controlled tone.
Kei and Yuri looked at each other nervously.
"So, Raye, are you going to that thing tonight?" Serena asked over the phone.
"Raye?" Serena asked again.
"Oh, sorry," Raye said. "I've got this cold; so, no, I'm not going."
"That's too bad," Serena said, "by the way, what do you think Tuxedo Mask is doing?"
"I (COUGH) don't know… Opening a salon?" Raye guessed. "Besides, why are you going? I thought you'd pretty much latched on to that Starlight-psychopath guy."
"Starlight Knight is NOT a psychopath!" Serena said defensively, argument course training kicking in.
Raye coughed. "Look, Serena, any other time, I'd like nothing more than to sit and argue about this—"
"No you wouldn't," Serena said, remembering her training.
Raye sighed. "You were serious about those argument courses, weren't you?"
"No, I— Oh… Yes, I was," Serena said, using a new argument-suspension technique she had learned at her last session, "What were we talking about again?"
"I think I asked you about why you were going," Raye said.
"Oh, that. I'm going with Terra. She REALLY wants to know what's going on. She kept mumbling about a weird glow around Molly. I didn't see anything, but—"
"Weird glow? She saw a visible aura?" Raye asked, concerned, "Maybe I should come and check it out." This was followed by a sneeze, and then a groan. "On second thought, I'd better rest. If anything happens, just contact me. Okay? Bye."
"Bye," Serena said.
~~~ Meanwhile… Oh, about a thousand years into the future. ~~~
"Why did you call us here, Sailor Pluto?" Sailor Uranus asked. "You are going to tell us, aren't you?"
Sailors Neptune, Saturn, and Uranus [Just pronounce it Yer-Uh-Nuss, okay?! The joke's getting old!] had been called to a meeting. All that they had been told was that it was of the utmost importance.
"There is a serious matter that needs attention in the past," Sailor Pluto said mysteriously.
Aye, so what else was new?
"What needs to be done?" Uranus asked. Pluto looked at them and smiled.
"When I have sent you back, you are to do the wildest, totally crazy, most insanely inappropriate thing you can think of to do in the past," Pluto said. The other Senshi stared.
"Really?" Sailor Saturn asked.
"Yes. Anything, of course, that does not involve destroying the planet," Pluto said. Saturn looked a little dejected.
"You're quite certain?" Neptune asked, still trying to grasp the concept of Pluto, of all people, telling them to go and do something that would, in all probability, ruin the timeline.
"I am," Sailor Pluto said. "However, there is something you need to review before you leave."
"What?" Uranus asked. Pluto handed her a videotape.
"What is it?" Neptune asked.
"Something to prepare your mind for the task ahead," Sailor Pluto said, "I will send for you when you have finished." She moved to the exit.
"Well, what is it?" Saturn asked.
"'Monty Python'… What the…?" Uranus said, reading the title, wondering what acrobatic circus performances had to do with the coming mission.
As she left, Sailor Pluto shook her head. So many things to worry about, and so few ways to do them correctly. Make sure that Sailor Moon ended up becoming Serenity and created Crystal Tokyo, stop time travelers from messing it up, keep the ones that help alive… figure out which is which. And on top of it all, she had to keep Atomic Starlight Knight on just the right track, or risk him destroying the timeline… again.
Then there was that engagement problem he had so kindly dropped on her. Some things just seemed to have improbability nexuses around them. This was one of them. There was no certain way to get out of it completely. [Many fanfic authors have tried, many more have failed. It is impossible to do without changing or re-interpreting at least one of the characters in some fundamental way.] She was about to nullify the engagement when she discovered an ancient agreement that required her to marry him. This was no coincidence: The timeline had modified itself to keep her engaged. There was no way out, even for her. There were, however, ways to lessen the impact on the timeline. They seemed odd, but they were in fact quite effective.
"Sailor Pluto?" Saturn asked. Pluto paused and turned around, awaiting the inevitable question. "Who's that pigtailed kid you keep sending to Crystal Tokyo from the past?"
"A friend. That is all," Pluto said simply, hoping that they wouldn't ask any more, but knowing that they would.
"Are you sure that's all?" Saturn pressed. Pluto knew that there was only one way to finish this conversation.
"He's my fiancé, okay?" Pluto finished, then vanished.
"Fiancé?" Neptune asked quizzically.
"He?" Saturn asked, equally puzzled.
"We can discuss this later, but for now, let's get to work," Uranus said.
"What's on the tape?" Neptune asked.
Uranus sighed. "I don't know. It looks like something about acrobatics, though."
~~~ And now for something completely different. (-1000 years…) ~~~
"It's…" Luna said, trying to grasp the meaning of what was going on in front of her.
The music began and the mushrooms started to do backflips and jump around on swings.
"ArbyFish's Flyin' Mushroom Circus!" Arby said proudly, showing off the mushrooms he had genetically engineered with only a sample of fungus, a jar full of toothpicks, and a Heavy Blunt Object. Quite an accomplishment.
"It's amazing, Arby, but… why?" Luna asked. Arby thought about it and only ended up looking confused. He finally just shrugged.
"Oh, I dunno. Gotta have flyin' circus mushrooms, ya know. They got Mexican Jumpin' Beans, so 't simply wouldn't be propa' otherwise," Arby said in his usual odd accent. Luna sighed and was about to say something when she heard someone calling.
"Luna? Luuuuna, where are you?" Serena's voice called.
"Come on," Luna told Arby.
"Oh, there you are," Serena said, seeing Luna and Arby climb out of a small hole in the ground. "What were you doing down there?"
"It's me secret, underground mushroom patch. Gotta breed me evil army of undead mushrooms ta take ova' the pizza industry," Arby said. Luna looked at Arby strangely, then finally shook her head and groaned.
"What?!" Serena asked, standing back up.
"He was actually training them to do acrobatics," Luna said.
"That… doesn't make any more sense," Serena said.
"Try telling him that," Luna said, pointing to Arby, who was trying to stand up straight on his tail.
"Must… achieve… pinnacle… of… balance…" Arby said while concentrating, swaying back and forth.
"Um, just ignore him. What were you calling me about?" Luna asked.
"Well, Terra and I had this plan," Serena began.
"Welcome, Mister Knight," the receptionist said, looking through a few papers on her desk. "Your appointment is… now."
"Excellent," Atomic Starlight Knight said, beginning to walk to the doors. The receptionist halted him.
"But before you go in, you really need to know something about the doctors here."
"What about them?" A.S.K. asked.
The receptionist looked around nervously, then leaned in close to whisper to him. "The doctors here are the best in their fields, true professionals, but they all have… minor quirks; nothing major as long as you avoid them, but strange quirks nonetheless."
"Your point being?"
"Well, the doctor you will be seeing has a… slight problem with 'cute' things."
"Oh, cute things. I know how that goes! Truly devastating weapons," A.S.K. said, lapsing into a memory.
~~~ Begin Flashback ~~~
A surprise attack— as most attacks tended to be within the past few days— occurred. They were getting downright annoying. This one consisted of three small, spherical ships, which were traveling at tremendous acceleration. They landed rather loudly in the center of the charred and blackened remains of the Moon Kingdom's former capital.
Out of each stepped one person. The apparent leader looked like your basic human, whose only really distinguishing feature would be his big, puffed-up hairstyle. The other two were humanoid, but did not have that much else in common with the leader, except maybe the armor: yellow ribbed areas with smooth, blue plate. At least I think it was that… it might have been something completely different, like—
["GET ON WITH IT!!!!!!"]
"Interesting place," the leader said. "No Dragonballs, but it will make a fine base of operations. That is, once the pest problem has been eliminated."
"Well, there's our last stop on the way," the captain said, indicating the view from the observation deck, "the Moon."
"After all this, it will be good to get home," Nephrite said.
"Since we're almost back," the captain said, "would you mind telling me why the only remaining ship in the fleet was sent to take you and that girl to Saturn?"
"Sorry, I can't. It's classified," Nephrite said helplessly.
The captain sighed. "Then could you tell me what happened with that pirate? When the ship came in, we were barely able to get out of dock before it landed, then before we were able to do anything, it disappeared! When it finally popped up again, we couldn't even match its speed when we were ordered to pursue. If I didn't know any better, I'd have said that ship looked terrified!"
"I think it was," Nephrite said.
"Was what?" the captain asked.
"Terrified," Nephrite replied.
The captain blinked. "Eh, could you possibly… clarify that?"
"Well, you see her?" Nephrite whispered, pointing to the girl who was gazing at the approaching lunar surface. "Her name is Terra."
"What does… Oh, I see… Terra-fied. Heh. Funny. But really, what happened?"
"Apparently, she scared the pirate off."
"Well, I tried fighting the pirate, but… Well, that's not important. The point is that when it was over, Terra was standing in a dark red glow, waving around the Silence Glaive at the departing ship."
"The Silence Glaive?! I thought only Saturn's Senshi could use that!" The captain blurted out, a little too loudly. Nephrite made motions for him to keep quiet. Terra pointedly ignored them, focusing on the Moon. Other stray crewmembers took no notice.
"Shh! I know that, but—"
[Captain to the bridge,] the intercom crackled.
The captain sighed. "You can tell me later," the captain said, then rushed off. Nephrite nodded, then walked over to Terra.
"Look at that," Terra said, pointing towards the Moon.
"I see. A third of the planet in ruins," Nephrite said, looking grim, "so many battles in so little time. When will it end?"
"I… wasn't talking about that," Terra said, looking confused. "See those lights?" Terra pointed to a place in the destroyed section of the planet. Large spheres and beams of energy were appearing randomly, creating large craters and potmarks on the lunar surface.
"Yes, I see them," Nephrite said. His eyes widened. "No… Not another battle so soon!"
"What is it?" the captain asked, entering the bridge area.
"We're receiving a distress signal from the Moon," an officer said, looking up from his display.
"Let's hear it," the captain said. A crackling, slightly garbled message began.
[######## Tranqu###y base. ############, we req#### immedia## #####tance. Our ########### not last much longer. ###tiate ########## ####### enemies! We need your ##########] The message trailed off.
"Captain, there is a large energy source radiating from the Moon's surface. It's jamming the transmission," the magic [as opposed to 'science'] officer said.
"Is there any way we can boost the signal?" the captain asked.
"Aye, captain." The magic officer manipulated a few controls.
[Message repeat: This is ###nquility Base. HMS Ne####s, we request im##diate assista##e. Our for#### #annot last much longer. I####ate bombardment on the enem##s! We ##ed your help NOW!]
"Red alert! Engines to maximum capacity. Ready weaponry," the captain commanded urgently. He hadn't anticipated taking the ship into battle for a while; it had been severely damaged when a certain monster had demolished the rest of the fleet. It could fire just fine, but most of the shielding was knocked out. He also knew that he had passengers to think of, but it wasn't going to do much good for them if the planet where they were traveling to was destroyed. Hopefully, he would only have to provide support from orbit. "Move into position."
"Pitiful little things," the leader of the attack said, vaporizing another group of soldiers. All weapons so far used against him and his henchmen had inflicted almost no damage whatsoever. He read something off a heads-up display in front of his eye. "Humph. Power levels of a mere hundred or two at best."
*CRASH!* A focused blast impacted one of his henchmen from above.
"Direct hit!" the weapons officer shouted triumphantly.
"Continue bombardment," the captain commanded.
The attack leader looked at his toasted companion. He then looked toward the starship that had fired on them—
*BLAMBLAMBLAM!* —And effortlessly dodged several more incoming shots. The blasted henchman dusted himself off and aimed a shot of his own at the starship.
The ship rocked from the impact. The bridge crew flew several feet from their seats.
I REALLY need to install seatbelts sometime! the captain thought, regaining his chair. "Damage report!"
"Life support at fifty percent, weapons are offline, the shield system is gone," The chief engineer paused and turned towards the captain, "and we have a major hull breach on the observation deck."
The captain gritted his teeth. "Terrific… Captain to Nephrite… Nephrite, do you hear me?"
[(Gasp) Yes, (Deep breath) yes, I hear you,] Nephrite said, struggling for air as life support was reestablished in his area.
"Is everyone all right down there?"
"Yes, I think so. There was a bright flash before the force fields came on. Only minor shrapnel cuts and…" Nephrite trailed off.
"What is it?" The captain asked.
"I… can't find Terra!"
The captain sighed grimly. "So many people lost in this war," he whispered.
"Captain, we're detecting more incoming discharges."
It was a nice show, Terra had thought, at least until someone decided to make her an acting participant. Being sucked out of a tear in the wall out into the cold vacuum of space was definitely a novel experience. It was also a nice thing to know that gravity was still functioning. She also knew, from her memory download of the now comatose Senshi, that she should presently be in mortal terror.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Terra screamed, obedient to her knowledge of the situation.
"Okay, stay calm, you've been in worse situations before…" Terra said.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOkkaaay. I'm calm, really I am. I'm calm. Everyone else calm?"
The poll came back: 30% calm, 50% not calm, 20% undecided.
"I'm… a little confused here… If this is a vacuum, and I'm talking aloud, then what just happened to the laws of physics?"
Terra looked down and saw that she was holding an important piece of magical life-support equipment that was inadvertently torn from the wall when the hull breached. "Oh, that explains it."
Terra noticed something else. "Oooh! Look at that! It's coming at me so very fast… very, VERY fast… I wonder if it wants to be friends with me…"
Terra watched the ground come closer, then something clicked.
The leader of the attack was preparing to fire again at the starship—
"AAAAAAAH! (Plop!)" —That is, until a little girl landed in his arms. "Hi, and thanks, Mr. Man," she said cutely.
"Yeech!" the leader said, recoiling and dropping the girl, unable to tolerate her sheer cuteness.
Hey, that wasn't very nice! Terra thought, standing up. By the way, if you hadn't noticed, that's one of the people who are currently engaged in destroying the planet.
The leader checked the power readings on the girl and received a surprise. "A power level of twenty thousand. Impressive."
So what are you waiting for? Blast 'em! Terra thought, then thought again, I only have a little left from what I could channel from the Silence Glaive. Should I waste that? The response was overwhelmingly affirmative. Wait! We haven't done the speech yet!
"I'm Terra. You're glue. What comes off me sticks to you," Terra said. The attackers raised their eyebrows. Terra mentally kicked herself. WHAT KINDA SPEECH WAS THAT?! MENTAL BOOT TO THE HEAD!!
*Whack!* Terra found herself sprawling on the ground. She stood and dusted herself off. Oh, just forget it. Let's go blow 'em up. Terra agreed.
*BLAM!*KERSLAAAM!* Terra began levitating and tossing ribbon blasts left and right at the attackers. They were more surprised than hurt from the shots. They caught on and began attacking.
*Blam… KAPOW!* Several shots came after her. She dodged.
You know what this fight really needs? A LITTLE MORE POWER, AR AR AR! Terra thought, surrounding herself with the energy taken from the Glaive in red, glowing ribbons, then finally flaring up to a higher energy-channeling level.
The leader raised an eyebrow, but was not particularly worried. "Impressive, little one, but don't think that will save you," he said, creating a flare-up of his own. His henchmen did the same.
We can maintain this level for… another three minutes at most, Terra thought, charging up a blast that she hoped would take at least one of them out. The ribbons formed in front of her, concentrating themselves into a small, concentrated ball of energy, "Pseudo-Stellar Quantum-Phase Nano-Molecular Disintegration… WITH A DOUBLE PIKE AND A HALF-TWIST!!!!"
"Captain, the blasts have stopped," the tactical officer said, "but we're detecting a large detonation on the lunar surface."
The ship shuddered as excess energy poured out from the detonation in a wide stream, barely missing them by a few feet.
"Report!" the captain ordered.
"It seems to mostly be localizing itself around two of the enemies, and it seems to contain more energy than that area of space can handle," the tactical officer said as he analyzed more information. The ship stopped shuddering. "It's gone, sir."
"And the enemies?" The captain asked. The officer at tactical analyzed even more information.
"We are now detecting four large energy emitters. One, however, seems to be losing power."
The leader coughed out a black puff of smoke, his enhanced energy level fading. "Nice shot, but we're not finished yet, right, men?"
His henchmen did not respond. The leader turned around and saw two marks in the ground, apparently where some mass had prevented the blast from fully impacting the dirt. He turned further and saw his charred henchmen crawling back to their spacecraft and taking off.
"CHEAP HIRED HELP!!" he called after them, shaking his fist.
"Haha! Gotcha!" Terra said, happy to have blasted something.
"We shall see about that," the attack leader said, turning toward her. "Your power levels have already dropped to less than ten thousand." Terra shrugged and prepared to blast some more.
*ZZT!* She was only able to produce a few sparks. The few remaining ribbons around her faded and she landed hard on the ground.
"Hmm… Less than two thousand," the man commented.
Hey, what happened? Terra asked herself, then replied, I could only have maintained that energy level for a few more minutes… IF you hadn't used it all!
"Interesting… Your power level is now at fifty."
Terra hit herself. "Baka! You wasted all the energy!"
What does 'baka' mean?! Terra asked herself, confused.
Well… um… 'baka' is another language for 'psycho'. Yeah, that's it!
So I'm a psycho, am I?! TERRA NO BAKA!!!
*WHAM!* The personality was sent flying into the other side of Terra's head, knocking her down. She once again stood. The attacker looked confused for a moment, but he shrugged it off and began to build up his energy level again.
Yes, I know you are, but what am I? the personality thought, reintegrating itself. But that can wait. See Mr. Firepower over there? He looks mad. See yourself? You're completely out of destructive energy. Now ask yourself: 'How am I going to get out of this?'
How'm I gonna get outta this?!
I'm glad you asked. Now, if you were paying attention when we first arrived, you would have noticed that he has almost zero tolerance for cuteness.
Hey, I've got a pretty limited capacity for that particular subject, too.
True, but had you been paying attention… I know you've got a problem with that… but had you been doing so, you would have noticed that your new form has roughly fifty times more resistance for it than the old monster form.
Interesting… Terra thought, consciousness finally catching on. Her consciousness also caught on to the fact that the so termed 'Mr. Firepower' had fully recovered, reestablished his upped energy level, and was in mid-blast.
QUICK, DO SOMETHING!!!
And so, something was done. Within a fraction of a second, Terra had optimized her form for tolerance of cuteness. Effects included the color shift from red and green to pink, slightly larger eyes, etc. The most important effect, though, was that the attacker had stopped his blast, eyes wide in shock and disbelief.
"A power level of NEGATIVE four-hundred thousand?!" he yelled, reading from his frantically beeping heads-up display, which sparked for a moment, then exploded off the side of his face. He winced for a moment from the sheer force behind the explosion of his display, and then his gaze focused back on Terra. He involuntarily gasped and took a step back in horror of the terrible sight before him. "You… Wha… What are you?!?!"
"Tee-hee!" Kawaii-Terra giggled, causing the former attacker to cringe in agony. She assumed a hurt expression. "But I just wanna be friends!" she said, so cute that you'd just want to hug her and squeeze her until there was no life left in her… if you could keep yourself from gagging and survived the sugar overload, that is.
"This… cannot be possible," the man whispered under his breath, feeling sudden imbalances beginning to creep up in the glucose/insulin levels in his blood. He backed up farther. The sugar levels in the air were almost suffocating.
"Tee-hee! I like you! You're funny, Myster Myan!" Kawaii-Terra said, moving closer. The attack leader screamed and sprinted back toward his spacecraft as fast as he possibly could. Terra followed quickly, skipping and humming a cute tune.
Just before he reached his ship, Terra got to him, hugged him, and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. His teeth shattered.
"Okay! I love you! Bye-bye!" Kawaii-Terra giggled, hopping off of him and skipping a short distance away. "La la la la la!"
The man barely managed to slump into his craft and drop his hand onto the autopilot switch before he lost consciousness.
The craft blasted off.
Terra waved goodbye to the ship, watching it depart. When it was gone, she returned to her previous form, and then started coughing and gagging.
~~~ End Flashback ~~~
"It was on that fateful day that I discovered the deadliest anti-personnel technique in the universe…" A.S.K. said, pausing for effect, "THE KAWAII-KEN!!!"
"You see, for years after that initial experience, I've had nightmares about it. I couldn't even say any words related to cuteness for the next decade, and I still find myself giggling on occasion. The Kawaii-Ken holds tremendous power, but it also holds a terrible price for the user. I have never tapped the full power of it, and hope I never will be forced to, for the use of the Kawaii-Ken holds the risk of permanently losing one's mind, and being rendered a creature of cuteness, with whom DEATH awaits, with GREAT, BIG, PINK, PENETRATING EYES!!" A.S.K. said, emphasizing that past bit with hand gestures.
"What an eccentric performance," the receptionist whispered, shrugging off his story, then said, "Your appointment is for now."
"Oh yeah," A.S.K. realized. "Thanks. Which room number?"
"Thanks again," A.S.K. said, walking toward an elevator.
The receptionist pressed a button. "Dr. Shiratori, your patient is here."
On A.S.K.'s way to the room, his communicator beeped. He pulled it out and answered.
"Hello? Computer, is that you?"
[Affirmative. The task is complete. They're on their way.]
"Good. Who'd they send? Was it Detective Kiyone? Did they send in Mihoshi, too? Who was it?"
[I did not send a message to the Galaxy Police—]
"Well, then, send it. I'm going in for brain work, and the problem needs to be taken care of."
[Understood, but I have already filed a request with another group. They will arrive within the hour to consult you about the trouble.]
"Consult me about the trouble? Wait… No, you didn't… You wouldn't… You couldn't…"
[The 3WA will be happy to assist us.]
A.S.K. sighed. Yes, the 3WA… but there was still hope for the planet's survival. "Which group did they send?"
[I specifically requested—]
"On second thought, maybe I don't want to know…"
[—The Lovely Angels,] the computer concluded. Several of A.S.K.'s personalities had nervous breakdowns.
"The Dirty Pair…" he whispered.
Somewhere, far across the galaxy, a certain redhead felt something.
"I sense a great disturbance in the force…" Kei said.
"Whelp, there goes the planet," A.S.K. said. "Congratulations, Computer. You've done better than I could. I'll go get my mind messed with now. I'm going to need it."
"Now activate all functional defenses. Do not let them get through. Inform them that their 'help' will no longer be required. I'm not quite done with this world yet."
[But what about the cake-based—] *Click*
"Now, on we go," A.S.K. said, putting away his communicator, accidentally slamming his head against a poorly-placed shelf.
AAAH! Damage report! A.S.K. thought, accidentally breaking a vase, spilling cold water all over him. He shrank. Oddly enough, his armor still fit perfectly.
Curse suppression offline, Super-Deformed A.S.K. thought.
Dang! Anything else?
By all the thinking about cuteness in the past while without sufficient mental safeguards, we have accidentally triggered the Kawaii-Ken, A.S.K. thought. This alarmed him a great deal. He noticed that his hair had already turned pink.
EMERGENCY POWER!!! Kawaii-SD-A.S.K. thought, artificially enforcing suppression. "I must not listen to the cuteness… Cuteness is the mind killer… Cuteness is the adorable little death that brings total annihilation. I will face my cuteness. It will pass over me and through me, and only I will remain."
The power added to resistance and the 'litany against cuteness' did its work, and A.S.K was mostly back to 'normal'.
Okay, NOW, everything said? Yes? Good! On we go! he thought as he opened the door and went in. Inside was an assortment of medical equipment: CT scanner, MRI, DNA sequencer, and last but most expensive, the machine that goes 'bing'.
Along with all this technology was a woman, whom A.S.K. assumed to be the Brain Specialist. She turned around and froze when she saw him.
"Hello, Doctor? Are you the brain specialist?" A.S.K. asked. The doctor in question blinked as if shaking herself out of a trance and looked at A.S.K. again. She smiled, hearts in her eyes as she saw A.S.K.'s sword.
"Claudette!" she said, diving at A.S.K., taking the sword out of its sheath. It turned out that the sword hadn't fully reconstituted itself from the SD state, or the Kawaii state for that matter. A.S.K. paid no mind to it, attention strictly focused on the doctor.
"Excuse me, Doctor, I asked if you were the Brain Specialist," A.S.K. said. The doctor, having heard the question for the first time, looked over to him.
"Who? Widdle Azusa?" she asked, then shook her head, "No, widdle Azusa isn't a brain spe… ci… a… l," she continued, her attention focusing back on the sword. She smiled, then began to nod vigorously, "Yes, yes! Widdle Azusa IS a Brain Specialist!"
That was the answer A.S.K. was waiting for. "Well, I have this problem," he said, searching for the proper terminology to describe the horrible pain he was in. "My… brain hurts."
The doctor looked at him, focusing, trying to come up with the right answer. She finally gave up and focused back on the Kawaii-SD-Sword. "It'll… have to come out," she concluded.
"My brain?" A.S.K. asked, confused, not having heard of that particular way of treating mental trauma.
The doctor nodded.
"I've never seen anyone refit a ship so quickly," Yuri said, looking at the new control center for the Lovely Angel. She turned to her partner. "Kei, do you think we've been pushing Zen too hard?"
Kei was crying. "He's gone totally ballistic!" She sniffed, then said, "I'm so proud of him!"
"Ma'am, um… sir, um… ZEN!" an extra that was added to control some new station said, "There's a blockade of some sort…"
"On screen," Zen-chan commanded. The view showed several large attack vessels lining the outside of the system's asteroid belt.
"They're hailing us," another extra said.
Zen-chan was still in a berserker mode from the loss of his work. "Zen will not tolerate any more delays. Forget hailing frequencies… FIRE PHASERS!!!"
The ship unlucky enough to be in front of the Lovely Angel exploded in a brilliant display of sub-atomic detonation.
"Kei… Zen hasn't acted like this before…" Yuri said. Zen-chan pushed a few buttons.
[Multi-vectored assault mode initiated. Target?] the computer intoned.
"The blockade!" Zen-chan shouted. The ship jarred as it split into three sections, each blasting away at a target. Enemy ships exploded left and right.
"Oh, stop worrying, Yuri, he's doing just fine!" Kei replied, watching the battle with interest. "By the way, since when did we get a 'multi-vectored assault mode'?"
"I don't know… Zen just installed it, along with some regenerative shields, ablative armor, quantum torpedoes, hyperdrive engines, and just about everything else you can think of," Yuri said, drinking a beverage. She spit it out in distaste. "But he STILL hasn't fixed the replicators yet!"
"Zen is a bit busy right now!" Zen-chan said, ship shuddering from an impact. "Be patient and Zen will get to it!" The ship jarred from another impact.
"They've locked on!" an extra said. Zen-chan pulled out a technical manual.
"Re-route auxiliary power!" Zen-chan commanded, reading from the manual, "Then create an inverse tachyon flux through the tractor beams!!!"
"Aye, aye… Zen!" the extra said. The ship shuddered for a few seconds, then went still. "It worked! They're disabled… Zen!"
"Hail them," Zen-chan said.
Kei sighed happily. "Shoot first, ask questions later. Looks like that training paid off."
"This is Zen, currently commanding the Lovely Angel. Resistance is futile. Zen WILL complete this mission. Message ends." Hailing frequencies were closed. "Rejoin and proceed on course." The ship jarred as it came back together.
"Nice work, Zen," Kei said, smiling.
The new doctor looked at what the operation would include. "Complete neural removal?!" the young-looking redhead asked incredulously, then looked at A.S.K. with a smile. "You've just made my day."
"You're the brain surgeon?!" A.S.K. asked incredulously from his restrained position on the medical table.
She nodded, scanning A.S.K. with an odd device. "You have a REALLY fascinating energy field around you," she said, then thought, Guess who gets to be my next experiment!
"Um, aren't you a bit young to be doing brain surgery?" A.S.K. asked, trying but unable to even budge the restraints.
The short doctor thought about A.S.K.'s question, considered a few different ways of responding, then she finally shrugged and settled on the truth. "Well, I am twenty thousand years old. Try and beat that." She looked A.S.K. over. "You're probably… not even twenty-one."
A.S.K. rolled his eyes. "Come on! I have to be at least nine billion!"
The doctor smirked and, on a whim, scanned to check his exact age. Getting the results back, her eyes widened and she started coughing.
"Is something wrong?" A.S.K. asked. The doctor recovered and shot him an overly cute, maniacal grin.
"No, nothing at all," she said, thinking, This is going to be the best experiment *EVER*!
"Okay. By the way, shouldn't you be using painkillers? Knock-out agents or something?" A.S.K. asked as the doctor walked toward him with a sharp, high-tech object. She laughed and shook her head.
"No, of course not. This isn't rocket science, it's Brain Surgery!" she said, placing the sharp, high-tech device at the center of A.S.K.'s chest armor.
Outside the operating room… in the waiting room, actually, sounds could be heard…
"Wait, isn't my brain in my head?" a somewhat worried voice asked.
"Nooo, whatever gave you that idea?" another voice replied. People waiting looked up from their magazines.
Very loud sounds of drilling began, along with maniacal laughter.
"—and then Amy and I will hide, waiting for the signal, and transform if there's any trouble!"
"Serena…" Luna said in wonder, "That's a wonderful plan!"
"Well, Terra helped," Serena said.
Arby poked his head out of a hole in the ground, wearing a green World War II helmet with five crescent moons on it. "Alroight, alroight. Come along then. The pizza will wait for nobody! Got yer mushrooms ready for covert assault! Now, MOVE!"
Arby exited the hole, hiding in the shadows. A few mushrooms followed him out, doing the same.
Luna sighed. Serena looked at her questioningly.
"Another one of his pet projects. Please, DON'T ask!" the moon cat said. "But enough of that. Let's get that plan of yours carried out."
Tuxedo Mask crept along the small, suffocating passageways of the ventilation shaft. Just a little farther and he'd be able to get a clear view of… SAILOR EARTH?!
"Oh my! Tuxedo Mask, what a surprise!" Sailor Earth said, looking up into the vent. Tuxedo Mask accidentally opened the vent, thudding to the ground in a surprisingly heroic-looking heap. He stood quickly.
"Greetings to you, fair and beauteous Sailor Earth. What may Tuxedo Mask, shooting star of romantic evenings, do for you?" Tuxedo Mask asked. At Sailor Earth's blank look, he thought over the last few phrases he said, and realized how they must have sounded. "Um, sorry. My poetry professor hasn't been in lately, and the substitute they got usually teaches Kendo, so, well… Do you mind if I drop the mysterious act for a while? I've been having a rough day…"
"I understand," Sailor Earth said brightly. "By the way, we've all been wondering why you invited so many people to come to a romantic evening… Do you think you can handle all of them?"
Tuxedo Mask looked a bit miffed. "I didn't invite all of them. Somebody figured out my name… Of course, it wouldn't be hard, considering that I keep shouting it out every once in a while… but that's not the point. The point is that someone has committed mail fraud! Surely, as a sailor-suited warrior, you can understand my need for justice!"
Sailor Earth nodded enthusiastically.
"By the way, how did you see me?" Tuxedo Mask asked.
"Um, I heard the guitar and looked up," Sailor Earth said.
"Guitar?" Tuxedo Mask asked, confused.
"Yes… Whenever you or some guy called Darien shows up, someone plays a few notes on a guitar," Sailor Earth said helpfully. Realization dawned on Tuxedo Mask.
"El Kabong…" he whispered.
"Who?" Sailor Earth asked.
"Um, nobody," he said, glancing around, "By the way, what are you doing here?"
"You invited me," Sailor Earth said simply. Tuxedo Mask thought about it heroically.
"Oh… Oh! I did, didn't I? I wanted to talk to you about… you know, life, old times… Then SOMEBODY just had to go and invite everyone else!"
"How did you find out my address?" the cheerful, redheaded Senshi asked, not seeming to have been at all fazed by this. Tuxedo Mask looked nervous… but a heroic sort of nervous.
"Let's just say that your parents are quite proud of you."
"Oh," Sailor Earth said, not losing her bright expression. Tuxedo Mask sighed. "What is it?"
"Nothing… It's just that… you're so nice… Aren't you supposed to, um, be… angry? I mean, on the surface, it looks like I invited every other girl in the solar system… Aren't you supposed to, like, punt me through the wall, screaming about what a jerk I am or something?" Tuxedo Mask asked with a wistful look.
"Personal experience?" Sailor Earth observed. Tuxedo Mask sighed wistfully, nodding. "I… I could do that for you, if you'd like."
"Would you, please? It'd make me feel so much more comfortable."
Sailor Earth nodded brightly, her face assuming a mask of complete-and-utter hatred, and she pulled out a HUGE, TRANSDIMENSIONAL MALLET OF DOOM with the inscription: 'Makimura Kaori, Inc. The best TRANSDIMENSIONAL MALLETS OF DOOM in the multiverse!' Tuxedo Mask closed his eyes.
"TUXEDO NO BAKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"
Tuxedo Mask opened his eyes. Sailor Earth had resumed her bright expression. "How was that?" she asked.
Tuxedo Mask didn't feel any pain. "Um, well," he stammered until he finally felt something. This something is much like the feeling induced on a Warner Brothers cartoon character… when they crumble to pieces, that is. "AAAARRRGGGHHH!!"
"Oh my! Is something wrong?!" Sailor Earth asked. Now, Tuxedo Mask didn't crumble to pieces, since this is not a Warner Brothers cartoon. It was a Japanese Anime… Okay, a dubbed DIC continuity subdivision, but the end result was that he merely felt like he did fall to pieces. He crumpled to the ground, writhing in agony, screaming… Then he stopped, blinked, stood up, and smiled.
"Thank you, Sailor Earth. I needed that," Tuxedo Mask said. "Shall we go and take care of that mail-fraud-making impostor?"
"Okay," Sailor Earth said brightly.
Nephrite had everything set up. The 'wonderful' plan seemed to be working out just fine. Now all he had to do was find a girl that might be a Sailor Scout… Was that a man screaming?
"What the…" Nephrite whispered. The scream lasted about ten seconds. Four seconds after that, he was convinced that he had imagined it. "Oh well… Wait, here one comes!"
Molly walked into the room, looking around nervously. Nephrite sensed a strange, yet familiar energy around her. She HAS to be one of them! Nephrite thought.
"And competing in today's Tennis match will be the Dirty Trio, er… LOVELY ANGELS, sorry! And the Cake-based Aliens that turned so many of our friends into Scotsmen," the commentator said.
"What did you just call us?" Kei asked, eyes narrowing.
"Eh heh… Um, nothing, nothing whatever."
"Nothing whatever?" Yuri echoed.
"Nothing whatever," the commentator replied.
Kei decided to let it go and looked around. "Where's Zen?"
Yuri also looked around and spotted Zen-chan talking to a group consisting of a tall blonde guy carrying a sword, a short redhead dressed like a sorceress, and a black-haired girl in her early teens. "There he is." They walked over to her. The group that Zen-chan was with left, walking toward the tennis court.
"No running off, Zen," Yuri said. Zen-chan was grinning like a maniac. "What?"
"Zen has taken care of the problem," Zen-chan said, pointing toward the group.
*MUNCH!*GULP!*CHOMP!* The group had completely devoured the cake-based aliens in less than four seconds.
"Mission complete," Zen-chan said. "Now Zen can finally go back and—"
"Not so fast, Zen," Yuri said. "We're getting another transmission."
"Looks like someone sent in a virus to the CC, causing irregular behavior… Zen, I think this guy caused the computer to erase your work!" Kei said.
"What?!" Zen-chan asked, taking out a Star Trek PADD and reviewing the new orders. "Hmm… Perhaps Zen was wrong in blaming the CC…"
"Our new orders are to find and capture or eliminate this person," Yuri said. "It looks like it's the same person who sent for us in the first place…"
The doctor's maniacal laughter ended as her drill broke.
"Hey! It was supposed drill clear through!" she shouted annoyedly. Wanting to know what could stop her drill, she scanned A.S.K.'s armor. "Steel composites… titanium alloys, bio-temporal crystal, materia, and carbon neutronium… (sigh)… figures."
"What's wrong now?" A.S.K. asked. The doctor gave him another overly cute, maniacal smile.
"Did you know that you're a gravitational disaster waiting for the inertial dampeners to go offline?" She asked. A.S.K. blinked. "Guess not. Does that armor come off?" The tall knight thought about it.
"I don't think so…" he said.
The doctor smiled. "Time to pull out the big guns, then," she said, pushing a button, causing a laser-like device to swing over and aim itself directly at A.S.K.'s chest.
"What's that?" he asked.
"An adaptation of the Dimensional Cannon. This baby'll cut through fifty light-years of lead in less than point-oh-two seconds," she said proudly, programming a few numbers into a computer terminal. A.S.K. began to look nervous.
"Um, I just remembered… I have to… alphabetize my socks," he said, struggling against the restraints, not moving them in the slightest.
"Don't bother struggling. And forget teleportation. We're blocking it. Some people get nervous at this stage in the doctor's appointment, so we have to keep them from leaving any way we can. Don't worry, once I'm done with these experiments, I'll piece you back together… somehow… and then I'll remove your brain. Just be patient."
A.S.K. began to nod, then the implications of what had just been explained hit him. "I'm doomed," he said, then replied, "Well, as the Venusians said, 'Don't worry. Things can only get better, because they cannot possibly get any worse'."
His communicator beeped.
"Hello, computer," he said, cheerfully mumbling over the Venusian Planetary Anthem. "What's happening?"
[The Lovely Angels have broken past the perimeter. Loss of all ships is reported,] the computer said cheerfully. A.S.K.'s last ray of hope crumbled beyond recognition.
"I hate to tell you this, but things just got worse," A.S.K. said to himself. "Yeah, I noticed. Thanks for telling me these things!"
The doctor looked over at him, and smiled once more as she turned back toward the terminal, programming the last few vectors.
"This should only take a little while," the doctor said. "You're such a fascinating specimen. It would be a shame to let you go without, at the very least, dissecting you." A.S.K. stared in disbelief.
"Oh, great! All I wanted was some brain surgery to piece my skull back together. I DIDN'T EXPECT THE WHOLE DANG SPANISH INQUISITION HERE!!!"
The door blew inward, and three women in red robes rushed in. The one in front was carrying what was essentially a long staff with an oddly shaped blade on the tip.
"NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!!!" the one in front exclaimed in a fake Castilian accent. "Our five main weapons are Deep Submerge… Our FOUR main weapons are World Shaking… um, our THREE main weapons… oh, forget it. Let's try that one again." They exited.
"Saturn?" A.S.K. whispered, sort of recognizing the face and the Glaive. His mind returned to the situation at hand. "Er, like I was saying, I didn't expect to get the Spanish Inquisition here."
*BLAM!* "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our four main weapons are fear, surprise, and…" The one now speaking cut off. "Neptune, maybe you'd better try this."
They left. The doctor watched in fascination. A.S.K. watched in confusion. "I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition?"
*BLAM!!* A completely different wall blew in, and when the smoke cleared, A.S.K. saw two people he recognized being led by another that he didn't.
"HA! NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!!!" the leader shouted.
"Egads! The Dirty Pair—" A.S.K. said, breaking off when the redhead he recognized as Kei of the Dirty Pair approached him. TELEPORT!!! GET ME OUT OF HERE, NOW!!!!
Teleportation offline, A.S.K. thought back. He asked himself for a complete status report.
Energy reserves… Intact
Huh? A.S.K. asked himself, then responded, Basically, we're doomed, Sir!
"You have been charged with tampering with 3WA hardware—" Yuri began.
"—insulting an officer—" Kei piped in.
"—and deleting Zen's work!" The other said with more than a hint of malice. "Confess!"
"Confess!!" Yuri echoed.
"Confess!!!" Kei said.
"Ummmmmm," A.S.K. began nervously, then finished analysis of the charges, "Hey, wait… who's Zen?"
"ZEN is Zen," the one A.S.K. didn't recognize said. A.S.K. just looked confused.
"Okay, look, HE'S Zen," Yuri said, pointing at Zen-chan. A.S.K. blinked, not seeing any 'he.' "Oh, just forget it… Zen, what was the deal with that 'Spanish Inquisition' thing, anyway?"
*BLAM!* A completely different wall blew in, revealing the Outer Senshi, wearing red robes.
"Nobody, um, uh…" Neptune struggled with the line.
"—Expects," Uranus helped.
"Um, RIGHT! Expects the Spanish…"
"Just forget it," Saturn said, moving past the Lovely Angels to stand in front of A.S.K. "Confess!"
"Confess!!" Neptune echoed.
"Confess!!!" Uranus said forcefully.
"Who are these people?" Kei asked rhetorically. She shrugged. "Confess!"
A.S.K.'s resistance crumbled, dampening the barriers he had piled up against the curse and the Kawaii-Ken. "I confess!" He said, shrinking down. All present took a step back, shocked at his transformation. "Tee-hee!" he giggled in a cute, high-pitched voice.
The Lovely Angels and the Outer Senshi gagged slightly at this, giving SD-Kawaii-A.S.K. room and time to slip out of the restraints and bolt out one of the many new exits in the room. He ran past the doctor from earlier, retrieving his sword, then continued away.
"Give Azusa back her Claudette!" Azusa called, then she got a good look at SD-Kawaii-A.S.K. and gasped. "Jean-Luc!!!"
"Get back here! I need to finish your dissection and brain removal first!" the newer doctor called.
"Hey, we haven't finished the scene yet!" Saturn called.
"Stop! You're under arrest!" Kei called.
"Zen is not finished with you!" Zen-chan called.
They all began pursuit.
[Sailor Moon, I could really use some backup right now,] Sailor Earth called through the communicator.
"We'll be right there!" Serena said.
"Moon Prism Power!!!"
"See the guy in the tux?" Tuxedo Mask whispered.
"Yes," Sailor Earth whispered back.
"He's the impostor. See that girl?"
"Yes, that's Molly… and that guy's draining her energy… She just lost consciousness," Sailor Earth replied. "Shouldn't we do something?"
Tuxedo Mask nodded. "Stay back and keep an eye out for trouble. If anyone sneaks up behind you… blast 'em… or whatever that attack of yours does."
Sailor Earth nodded, happy to be of help. Tuxedo Mask jumped silently to a different set of rafters and threw a rose, which imbedded itself in the floor just in front of Nephrite, who looked up in surprise. Tuxedo Mask leapt down heroically.
"I am Tuxedo Mask, the Shooting Star of—" Tuxedo Mask caught himself and cleared his throat. "Release that girl, impostor!"
"TUXEDO MASK?! You're not supposed to be here!!!" Nephrite yelled in surprise. He then stopped and smiled. "What are you going to do? Throw a rose at me? Whack me with your cane?"
Tuxedo Mask shook his head. "The damage you have done to my reputation far exceeds that punishment… I must introduce you to an old friend of mine… El Kabong."
"Who?" Nephrite asked, not recognizing the name.
*WHAM!* Tuxedo Mask smashed a guitar against Nephrite's head.
"Kabong!!" Tuxedo Mask said, smiling.
Nephrite groaned and pulled the guitar off his head. "Pah! You're not worthy of fighting me," he said, teleporting.
"Earth… Sunshine and Happiness!" Sailor Earth said, summoning her 'attack' upon Nephrite, who had teleported behind her.
"Impressive, Sailor girl!" Nephrite said, recovering as the 'attack' ended, "But not impressive enough." He knocked her down from the rafters.
"Sailor Earth!" Tuxedo Mask said in shock, leaping to catch her.
Nephrite was nursing a broken wrist. "What are you made of, anyway?!"
"Aren't you supposed to attack with a little more force?" Tuxedo Mask asked Sailor Earth, whom he was holding in his arms.
"I… didn't want to hurt him," Sailor Earth said. Tuxedo Mask sighed, putting her down.
"Jedite… er, JADEITE was right… you need to be dealt with as soon as possible!" Nephrite said. "I call upon the powers of the—"
"Mercury Bubbles… BLAST!!" The area was blanketed with a thick fog.
"Yes, Mercury Bubbles," Nephrite continued, then realized his mistake, "No— I meant—"
"Moon Tiara… Magic!" Sailor Moon called, throwing her tiara at Nephrite, who simply caught it with almost no effort. "Hey! I thought Starlight Knight increased my powers!" She whined.
~~~ Begin Flashback ~~~
The youma disintegrated.
"Nice shot, Sailor Moon," Starlight Knight said, appraising her work, "But… you aren't using the added power I gave you."
"What do you mean?" Sailor Moon asked.
"I mean that your tiara is tapping exactly the same amount of energy it was before," S.K. said. "If you tapped your extra power, you could gain so much more force and control,"
"Like… what?" Sailor Moon asked. S.K. thought about it.
"Try concentrating on… oh, an energy flare-up… perhaps you could try something like telekinesis—"
"Teleke-what?" Sailor Moon asked.
"Moving stuff around with your mind… Wait, here's an energy pattern," S.K. said, concentrating. "Can you see the way the magical threads weave themselves together to overcome force and channel energy?"
Sailor Moon didn't sense anything at all. "Um… no?"
S.K. sighed. "So much for the easy way… Sailor Moon! I respectfully request that you start thinking and stop acting like such… an EMPTY-HEADED MEATBALL-BRAIN!!!!!"
Sailor Moon froze into position as her tiara flared with huge amounts of energy, rising straight off of her head, flaring again angrily, flying forward at a very high velocity, and slamming directly into the center of S.K.'s armor, knocking him backward.
*BAM!* It rebounded off, then swung back, impacting on him again.
*BAM!*WHACK!*POW!*SLAAAAAAAAM!* It hit several more times on S.K.'s armor, each time at a different angle, finally knocking him to the ground. The tiara flew back above Sailor Moon's head, flaring once more, then settling back onto its original position. Sailor Moon then shook herself, as if coming out of a trance.
Sailor Moon gasped as she saw Starlight Knight on the ground. "Starlight Knight! Are you all right?!" She asked, worried.
"(Cough) Your subconscious is working just fine… But as an ancient Jedi master once said, 'Control, control, you must learn control!'"
~~~ End Flashback ~~~
"Oh yeah!" Sailor Moon said in realization.
Nephrite looked down at the tiara he held in his working hand, then looked to the Sailor Scouts as the fog cleared. "Maybe I should just send a few youma after you. You're not worth the effort."
"Moon…" Sailor Moon began, trying to get a conscious handle on how to use the technique she had unknowingly created.
"Oh, what would you be trying to do now?" Nephrite asked, fed up with the attacks that had previously been used.
"Tiara…" Sailor Moon continued, slowly grasping the use of the required energy pattern.
"Are you still trying to win?" Nephrite asked in fascination.
"Action!!!" Sailor Moon finished. The tiara in Nephrite's hand flared to life.
"What?!" Nephrite asked in shock. The tiara forced itself out of his grasp, and floated in front of his face. It flared angrily, drawing back a few feet.
*BAM!* Nephrite was barely able to throw up a shield to prevent it from hitting him directly. The tiara bounced off, flared up again, drew back once more and flew at Nephrite even faster than it did before.
*SWOOSH!* Nephrite teleported in time to keep it from hitting him.
*SMASH!* It zeroed in on his new location a few yards away and broke through his shield. He reestablished it.
*BAMBAMBAMBAMBAMBAM!!* Bad move. It hit him, then bounced off his shield, sending it back, hitting him several more times in a ricochet effect until his shield dropped again. The tiara flew in front of his face again, flaring menacingly.
"You… have… beaten… me?" he whispered incredulously, collapsing on the floor. Nephrite decided that enough was enough. "Negaverse… secret technique," he forced out, then teleported away, barely missing getting hit by the tiara again.
The tiara moved over Sailor Moon, flared, then settled back onto her head. She shook herself out of the daze this had set her in.
"Did we do it?" Sailor Moon asked. The answer was an affirmative. She looked around and saw Molly. "Let's get her home."
Tuxedo Mask waved farewell and disappeared mysteriously. As a slight blow to his ego, Molly was the only other girl who showed up.
"Excuse me, mister—" SD-Kawaii-A.S.K. began to ask.
"Lieutenant Kenneth Braxton," the cannon-fodder redshirt extra said, "Sir!"
"Um, yeah, Kenny, whatever. Can you help me?" SD-Kawaii-A.S.K. asked desperately.
"With what?" Kenneth asked. Several people approached rapidly, some on hovering speeder-bikes, some on foot, and one in some other piece of high-tech equipment.
"With them!" SD-Kawaii-A.S.K. said, pointing towards the new arrivals. Kenneth nodded and pulled out a phaser.
"There he is!!!"
"Come on, get back here, you cute little specimen, you!"
Kenneth fired a warning shot. "Halt! I am Lieutenant Kenneth Braxton, Crystal Federation Temporal Security! On behalf of the future of the Federation, I will stop you!"
They ignored him.
"I warned you!" Kenneth said, firing directly at one of the vehicles.
*ZZZT!* The vehicle shorted out and crashed, sliding to a stop. Zen-chan stepped off and fumbled around with a Rather Large Weapon.
"Oops," Zen-chan said, having accidentally turned off the safety and fired.
"YOU KILLED KENNY!!!!!" SD-Kawaii-A.S.K. shouted.
The two other speeder-bikes circled back, picking up Zen-chan.
"Um, Zen, shouldn't you have just used the stun setting?" Yuri asked.
"Zen WAS using the stun setting!" Zen-chan said, "Zen thinks…"
"Oh, just forget it! We've got… pinker fish to fry," Kei said.
SD-Kawaii-A.S.K. saw that this wasn't ending anytime soon, and continued running.
Everyone continued pursuit, leaving the area.
Sailor Pluto appeared and shook her head at the scene.
"Well, at least you will have not been killed in vain," Sailor Pluto said. Kenneth opened his eyes.
"Actually, I'm not quite dead, Sailor Pluto," Kenneth said.
"Oh. Then you will not have been mortally wounded in vain."
"Really, I feel a lot better now… Actually, I think I'm well enough to continue the mission," Kenneth said, sitting up.
"NO! No, that will not be necessary. Come," Sailor Pluto said, opening a time portal and dragging him through it. The portal closed.
Sailor Mars sneezed.
Why had she gotten up?
What did she really need to accomplish out here?
She really didn't know. All that she did know was that she had an extremely strong feeling that she needed to be here, right now, in this place… But why?
"Ey! Get back 'ere!" a voice with an odd accent said.
"Arby?" Sailor Mars asked.
"That's roight!" Arby said, fluttering over to her and sitting on her shoulder. "Lookit this: Me mushrooms went berserk!" he added matter-of-factly, smiling.
"Mushrooms?" Mars asked, raising an eyebrow. A five-foot tall mushroom with razor-sharp teeth bounced out of the bushes, snarling. Mars backed up a little. She bumped into something. She turned, seeing four more mushrooms, similar to the first. They snarled, leaping towards her. She leapt out of the way.
"They're Botswanian Picnic Mushrooms," Arby noted.
"Mars Fire… IGNITE!" Mars said, summoning her attack, incinerating the mushrooms.
Arby blinked. "Ey," he said, "you killed me mushrooms…" He fluttered off. "Gotta grow bigga', uglia' ones, then…"
Mars considered asking what this was all about, then sneezed. She decided that all she wanted to do now was get back to bed.
"Zen has you now!" Zen-chan said, closing in. "Surrender! You cannot escape!"
SD-Kawaii-A.S.K.'s thoughts were still in turmoil. He was barely managing to keep the Kawaii-Ken's mindset from settling in, all the while running as quickly as he could. Now, he was cornered, on the verge of complete mental collapse, and had no apparent way out. The only weapon he had left was the Kawaii-Ken, and he had absolutely no intention on letting that go all out, especially in his current state of mind. His last remaining mental barriers to keep him from being totally overwhelmed by it were already crumbling. This was it. Trapped. Doomed. Kobayashi Maru'd.
"NOW I remember. Our three main weapons are Deep Submerge, World Shaking, and DEATH RIBBON REVOLUTION!!!" Saturn said, accidentally initiating her attack, "Oops… Um, stop?"
But it was too late to fully stop the attack. All that was left was a smoking crater where SD-Kawaii-A.S.K. was. There was a moment of silence afterwards.
"Oh, well, then. I guess that concludes this mission," Yuri said.
"Right," Kei and Zen-chan said. They left.
Washuu sighed. "Too bad. He would have made a great experiment," she said. "I'd thought at least his armor would have stayed intact." She looked over to Saturn thoughtfully, then shook her head and left.
"Where is Azusa's Jean-Luc?" Azusa asked, catching up. She didn't see him, so she continued looking elsewhere.
The Outer Senshi stood in silence for a few more moments.
"Wasn't he… kind of important to the timeline?" Neptune finally asked.
"Oh, don't worry. He'll be fine," Sailor Pluto said, appearing behind Uranus.
"GAH!" Uranus said, jumping. She turned around. "Would you stop doing that?!"
"You're sure he'll be okay, Sailor Pluto?" Saturn asked, looking at the crater, uncertain of the validity of Pluto's last statement.
"Absolutely. Come on, let's go," Sailor Pluto said, opening a temporal vortex. They stepped through and the vortex vanished.
SD-Kawaii-A.S.K. materialized on the transporter pad with his eyes closed.
[Long range transport complete. Welcome home, sir,] the computer said cheerfully. SD-Kawaii-A.S.K. opened his eyes and jumped for joy.
"Yay! I'm back, and now I can go play with my dollies and—" He cut off as he realized what he just said. "AAAAHHH! Computer, activate the Emergency Medical Hologram!"
"Please state the nature of the medical emergency," the EMH said as he appeared.
"My MIND is going, doctor! Can you help?!" SD-Kawaii-A.S.K. asked desperately.
The EMH took out some medical equipment and began scanning. "Shapeshifting instability and ancient martial arts mindset coupled with brain trauma and a Jusenkyo curse. The only treatment I can recommend is hot water to stabilize the transformation." The EMH vanished. SD-Kawaii-A.S.K. forced a nod and walked to the replicator.
"Computer… order out for pizza… No! I mean water, hot!" SD-Kawaii-A.S.K. said.
[Transmission sent. Receiving a reply,] the computer said.
"Computer, all I wanted was some hot water!" SD-Kawaii-A.S.K. said. The water materialized on the replicator.
[Playing transmission:] "Thank you for calling the Relief Goddess Hotline. We will send someone over immediately."
SD-Kawaii-A.S.K. picked up the water and poured it on himself, regaining his previous height. As the last bit of water fell, a girl appeared out of it and landed in his arms. She screamed and whacked him on the head with a mallet.
"OW!" A.S.K. said, rubbing his head. "Why did you have to go and do that…" He noticed something. Status report!
All systems nominal. He smiled at the girl who was now in a defensive posture on the other side of the room.
"I don't know how YOU got selected for a wish, Destroyer of Worlds, and I'm convinced that Yggdrasil is malfunctioning," she said, swinging with her weapon defensively to make sure he stayed back.
"Yggdrasil? Oh! The computer that runs the universe. Yeah, computers do that sometimes," A.S.K. said, in a state of bliss from not being in any significant pain. "As they say: To err is human… but to REALLY mess up, you need a computer."
The girl did not calm down at this friendly communication. "Let's get this over with. I am a Goddess, and YOU," she said, her voice dripping with venom, "get a wish."
A.S.K. thought about this. "A wish? What can I wish for?"
"Anything," she said guardedly. A.S.K.'s eyes lit up at this.
"I wish to destroy the Uni(CLOMP)mrfe!" A.S.K. tried to say, but was stopped when the Goddess snapped her hands over his mouth.
"Don't even think about it," she said menacingly.
"But you said I could wish for anything!" A.S.K. said as the hands were removed from his mouth.
"Isn't there anything ELSE you want besides that?!" she asked, "A new pair of combat boots? Your computer fixed? Some armor polish? A restaurant?"
"A restaurant? Hmm… Sometimes I wish I had one of those," A.S.K. said. The Goddess looked VERY relieved as energy poured through her, rewriting reality to a small extent. A new door appeared on a wall.
"Wish granted," she said. "You now sometimes have a restaurant. Goodbye." She stepped into the puddle of hot water and vanished.
"Sometimes have a restaurant?" he asked rhetorically. "Computer, report."
[The base is currently not where it was before,] the computer said.
"Oh, gee, that helps," A.S.K. said sarcastically. "Can you be a bit more specific?"
[The base is now on Earth, underground, connected to a restaurant via turbolift. Latitude—]
"Okay, that'll be fine," A.S.K. said. Anybody in here know how to cook?
There was silence in A.S.K.'s head for once. Someone finally spoke up. Yup, over here. Short order cook, level 47. I can make anything as long as it's got SPAM in it.
Excellent, A.S.K. thought. By the way, how did that joke we played on Tuxedo Mask work out?
Checking… All of the energy designated for that was drained, A.S.K. replied, then asked, By who?!
Checking… Negaverse general… Looks like Nephrite got all of the energy you decided to waste on that.
He stole my pseudo Jusenkyo curse?! A.S.K. thought, annoyed that Tuxedo Mask wasn't hit.
Oh well, A.S.K. thought, shrugging. He walked to the turbolift to find out about his new restaurant.
Nephrite, still battered and bruised, appeared in Queen Beryl's throne room.
"Do I sense a recurring theme here, 'Neflyte'?" Zoicite asked.
"No, Zoicite, I DO NOT intend to end up like Jadeite," Nephrite said. "And stop calling me 'Neflyte'!"
"Neflyte, your 'wonderful' plan has failed so miserably that perhaps I should just imprison you in a cold, crystal tomb and get it over with," Beryl said. Zoicite nodded vigorously.
"No, Queen Beryl, you should not. I have acquired a large amount of energy for you," Nephrite said, raising his working hand. A ball of energy appeared. Beryl smiled and took it.
"Excellent, Neflyte, this will greatly strengthen the Negaforce in times to come," Beryl said. "However, I sense that there is some extra energy that is not leaving you."
"What 'extra energy'?" Nephrite asked, not having sensed it.
"Oh, just forget it, Neflyte," Beryl said, waving him off. Nephrite nodded and turned to walk out. As he neared the door, a bucket of water fell on him.
"Zoicite!!!" Nephrite-chan said angrily.
"It wasn't me!" Zoicite said, laughing hysterically.
The Lovely Angel returned to 3WA headquarters. Another of Zen's upgrades kicked in and the Lovely Angel locked a tractor beam onto the SDF-1. Greatly surprising everyone on deck, the Lovely Angel dragged the gigantic battle-fortress out of the parking space, and landed.
A few minutes later, Kei, Yuri, and Zen were back inside. Zen was back in his male form.
"Zen, you did great out there!" Kei said.
"Zen must not be stopped from his writing," Zen said, a sense of single-minded determination radiating from him.
"Zen, what's that on your neck?" Yuri asked, seeing a small, metal object affixed to the base of his skull.
"Zen does not have anything on his neck," Zen said. Yuri effortlessly pulled off the object. A noticeable change in demeanor occurred in Zen.
"Not even this?" Yuri asked. Zen looked confused.
"What about that?" Zen asked.
Kei took a look at the object and sighed. "Neural stimulator, probably sent by one of your friends back at the FFML to speed up your work."
"W… what work?" Zen said, clearly not remembering much.
"I think it was 'The Long and Winding Road', or something." Yuri said. "You finished it, I think."
"Zen finished it?" Zen asked hopefully.
"But the computer deleted the whole thing," Kei added. "Oh, come on! You can put it back down. After all, you did write it."
"Zen… does not remember finishing it." Zen said, hopes diminishing. "The CC deleted it?!" Kei nodded.
"The CC deleted all of Zen's work…" Zen contemplated. "ARRGHHH!"
[End Chapter 7]
<Scene of Lina, Gourry, and Amelia devouring several cake-based life forms>
"Today, we learned a whole lot. At least, the ones that were LISTENING did!"
<Scene of Terra fighting Ryoko>
"First of all…"
<Scene of a SD-Kawaii-A.S.K.>
<Scene of a sayajin's teeth shattering>
"Cute is DEADLY!!!"
<Scene of an ultra-cute, fluffy-pink-haired Vegita, ready for battle>
<Scene of aliens turning people into Scotsmen>
"Aliens are MUCH weirder than you can possibly imagine…"
<Scene of Ail and Anne taking care of their tree>
<Scene of Zen talking to the Lovely Angels>
"And probably the most important thing…"
<Scene of Zen greatly frightening the Lovely Angels>
"DON'T ERASE ZEN'S WORK!!!"
<Scene of bulky starships getting destroyed by the Lovely Angel>
<Scene of Mina accidentally blowing up a stereo system>
"Sailor Nuke sez…"
"BWAHA HA HAAAAAAAAAA!!!!"
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