A Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon story
by Benjamin A. Oliver
Disclaimer: Sailor Moon is owned by Takeuchi Naoko, Koudansha, TV Asahi, and Toei Douga, and DIC.
Yeah, I know it's been a while, but I suppose it's better late than never. So, here we go, what we've all been waiting for. Let's get to it!
Remember, no gerbils were harmed in the making of this 'fic, but millions upon millions of pokémon perished to bring you this information.
I certainly hope you're happy.
Let me explain… No there is too much. Let me sum up: A hyper-powered reject from a DBZ darkfic fought the Sailor Senshi, won, and then got blown up by a Green ArbyFish. Everyone's okay, except for poor little Amy, who has a broken rib. (After facing off head to head with a Sayajin— with no preparation whatsoever— she got off easy, if you ask me.) Ranma just won Sailor Pluto's heart, and got a hold of a book of heavy-duty martial arts techniques, after failing to learn the Kawaii-Ken. Some pink-haired guy called 'Tim is off doing a cheap Goku impression with some holograms. Jadeite is now a cute little schoolgirl, and we're going to assign 'her' a boyfriend next week to liven things up a bit. Luna laments Arby's demise. And then a whole bunch'a other stuff happened, too.
You excited yet? Good!
Roiling sparks of a green nature flashed across the devastated landscape, through charred bushes, routed-up terrain and shattered buildings. The scene began to brighten as the sun came over the horizon, giving definition to the great Japanese city of Tokyo. It could be seen that life still roamed amidst the destruction.
Hordes of Chinese fishermen walked about the wreckage, picking up large chunks of steaming, well-cooked Oozaru meat.
"It level-ten good!" One fisherman exclaimed in broken English, holding up his Sayajin-steak as he posed for a camera crew. The crew applauded and cheered. "Soopa Owzawu Meet!"
All this commotion was ignored, however, by a small black cat that sat by the edge of the gigantic crater, pining away for a lost friend.
Luna had been crying all night.
"Arby," wept Luna, "is gone."
She could scarcely believe it. She gazed into the great abyss and contemplated this fact, tears not ceasing to pass down her damp, furry cheeks. The ArbyFish was no more; self-sacrificed to defeat an impossibly powerful foe.
"Arby's gone," repeated Luna, scarcely being able to take it in. "Arby is Gone!" she shouted into the echoing crater. The cat lifted up her head and smiled the smile of one who had overcome the world. "He's gone."
The moon cat decided she was going to invite all her friends and have a huge party with nachos and mariachis.
"NOW I'm ready for you, ya wee li'l pre-teen chunk a' chicken liver!" 'Tim Knight shouted at the holographic image of the famed sorceress Lina Inverse.
He was at it again. After a few more false starts and outright failures, the semi-humanized Knight in Shining Armor thought he'd finally gotten a hang of this "ki" thing.
The program was set for a standard battle terrain for the famed Slayers epoch. It was a wide-open field with a few rocks, a few trees, and pasture. No tricks, no innocent bystanders, and no place to run.
"Back for more, huh?" Lina deadpanned, unimpressed.
The golden crescent moon on 'Tim's forehead gleamed with that special *shing* sound found only in anime. "Yeah, but you're MINE, this time."
"Yup. Uh-huh. Sure. I've heard that one before," Lina replied.
"You see this outfit?" 'Tim asked, referring to his green, Goku-style jumpsuit.
"Remind you of anything?"
"Take a good look. It'll be the last thing you'll ever see." 'Tim struck a pose and dramatic music played in the background. "I, the re-emerging galactic destroyer, do hereby challenge you to a formal, old-style duel. Winner eats loser! Oh, wait, I don't like that anymore…" He straightened, "I mean, the great green Arkleseizuring rules state—"
"La la la," Lina said in monotone. "Dragon Slave."
*BLAAAAAAAAAAM!!!!* The landscape surrounding 'Tim burst into flames, engulfing all in the tac-nuke-level blast. Dust filled the air and an acrid smoke covered all.
The dust cleared, and 'Tim stood unharmed, hovering at ground level above the dark crater beneath him. He cracked his knuckles. "Enough talk." He looked off to the side. "Computer, increase to maximum difficulty."
A few beeping sounds passed through the air. [Confirmed.]
Lina gasped with the shock of seeing her magic shrugged off combined with the feeling of her muscles tightening and her mystical energy reserves maxing out. Her hair tripled in length and grew a darker shade of red.
[Ready?] the computer intoned. [Fight!]
And the battle was joined!
Doctor Samuel Beckett groaned, wondering what had hit him. He felt light-headed and disoriented. The last thing he remembered was talking with Al about how to solve this future murder of Maxfield Stanton, or Nephrite, or whatever he wanted to call himself. Then Sam had tried to go to sleep, but then this black fog came through the window, and…
"Sam," Dr. Beckett heard Al call, "don't open your eyes."
Sam opened his eyes, and quickly found out that he wished he hadn't. He was chained to a cold stone wall, a foot off the ground. In front of him…
"Lovely girl," a hideous insectoid monster whispered. "Does it taste good? Is it… scrump-tious?!" Several other creatures behind it cackled. "Molly is its name? How gourmet!" The monster raised a claw toward the leapt scientist.
"Hoo-boy," was all Sam could say.
Amy looked at her watch. She liked it.
It wasn't a watch, really. It was more of a cutesy little plastic band around her wrist with her name on it.
The blue-haired girl glanced around the white room and looked down at her heavily bandaged midsection.
"Whoa, what hit me?" she asked herself, half mumbling. After a few seconds mulling it over, she recalled the battle with some fluffy-headed maniac with a brown tail. She also remembered the big, bad hit she took, that nasty crunching sound, and the popping feeling. It really hurt.
Amy Anderson turned her head to see a sort of metal nightstand by her bed. She liked how it shone at her. She slowly recognized her transformation wand, her small Mercury Computer, and Serena's brooch. Her computer looked kinda funny. She slapped her hand over, grasped it, put it on her stomach, and opened it.
"Oh, goodie," Amy slurred, noting that the screen was crackled, and hit the "on" switch, then put the wrecked device aside when she didn't get any results. She looked and saw that Serena's locket-brooch-thing was broken into three sections and the little prism inside was cracked, but Amy's wand was okay. That was good.
The teenage girl thought to herself for a while. She'd been in a big fight and all her stuff was broken up. Serena and Raye and Terra had to go to school. Why couldn't she go to school? She liked school… and studying. Why did she have to stay in the hospital? She didn't hurt one bit. Actually, she felt great… better than great.
Amy started to sit up, but couldn't. Her bandages… or cast. It looked thick. Maybe it was a cast. That and the I.V. tube hooked into her right arm weren't letting her get up.
But that didn't matter. The bed was nice. The walls were nice, and it was somewhat comforting to have her computer and stuff close.
The door opened and two people in white coats came in. One was some guy Amy couldn't recognize, and the other had long dark hair and reminded her of herself, sorta.
"Hi, Mommy!" Amy greeted.
Doctor Anderson smiled. "Hello, dear. How are you doing?"
Amy's mother turned toward the man with her. "You already gave her pain medication?"
Before the man could respond, Amy blurted out, "Ooh yeah, baby," and giggled a little, smiling brightly.
Doctor Anderson nodded. "Good."
"No, Amy. You've had enough for now,"
"Awww…" Amy pouted.
"It's more than just a broken rib, you know. Just rest for now and you'll be okay."
"Okay, Mommy!" Amy grinned. "Tee-hee!"
Queen Beryl looked into her crystal ball. Either the blasted thing wasn't working, or Neflyte wasn't answering her calls.
"Now where will I find a crystal ball repair shop this week?!"
The youma minions chattered among themselves in the dankness far beyond the reaches of the light shining on the throne.
"Neeefliyteee!!" Beryl called.
Nephrite chucked his cell-phone out the window of his corvette. He didn't want any interruptions right now. Molly was in danger again.
The youma general screeched around the corner of a street and stopped in front of the building that he knew held Molly. He pulled out the star crystal and found it indicating right toward it.
Jumping out of his car, he razor-kicked a shadowed monster guarding the entrance, knocking it out, held his hand out, blasted the door, and rushed inside.
Smoke kicked out and sounds of heavy violence could be heard as Nephrite entered.
Sam struggled in his chains as he heard fighting going on outside the large cell. His captors looked toward the door in anticipation of who was coming. Suddenly, the noise stopped.
"I've got him!" a high, screeching voice called. "Bringing him in."
The door opened and a large, red-skinned, razor-armed, green-haired youma came in, dragging a bound Nephrite in by the neck and throwing him in the middle of the room. "He's all yours, girls!"
"MMPH!!!" Nephrite mumbled, wide-eyed in horror, unable to break out of his hog-tied position.
A trio of plantlike monsters stepped forward, grinning widely. Two grabbed the general from behind and the third stepped forward, an arm full of big, thorny brown spines. "Any last words?!"
"MMMMPHH!" Nephrite mumbled loudly.
"He can't talk, I'm afraid," the red youma said, "It seems I've broken his jaw."
"Good!" the spined youma called, leashing forth with all its might, putting three sets of spines through the general's body, leaving green ichor all over the place… then Nephrite's mask fell off, revealing a red face with green hair and duct tape over its mouth.
Everyone paused. "Huh?"
The one who brought in the recently impaled being smiled and waved.
*ROAR!* Eight different constellations in blue, glowing animal form leapt out of the shadows and wrought havoc among the small army.
Nephrite took off the red mask and disposed of the disguise as he broke Molly's chains and made his escape.
"This bites," noted one.
"You said it."
"MMPH!" the impaled youma added in stern agreement, thorns sparking.
*BLAM* "Yes, I am mocking your lousy figure!" 'Tim yelled, knocking aside a fireball with a flick of his wrist. He cupped his hands in front of him, levitating high into the air. "Melee Kaleekey Makaa!!!"
A stream of energy, one meter in radius, swept forth toward Lina Inverse.
"Raywing!" A spherical barrier sprung up around the sorceress, just in time to absorb the blast as it came. She moved out of the stream and dove toward 'Tim at hypervelocity, sword out and ready to divide his skull.
*Whoosh!* 'Tim flickered out of view just barely before the sword reached him.
Lina stopped, her expression filled with rage as she searched for her enemy.
*WHAM!* Lina was nailed from behind with a double-fisted hammer-blow, sending her careening toward the ground. She slowed down and rolled out of it before hitting. "Ha!"
"Computer freeze program," 'Tim muttered, dissatisfied.
"The whole scene froze, turning into a still Winter setting.
"What, may I ask, was that?" 'Tim asked.
The computer beeped. [Restate query.]
"Lina didn't say anything, or cast anything. She can't do that!"
[Incorrect assumption. Subject: Lina Inverse is capable of using magic without incantation, if she so desires.]
"You're just saying that 'cause I was winning!"
*Beep* [Incorrect statement.]
'Tim sighed and stepped down to the ground. "Eh, I'm tired of fighting. I want to settle down and get married." He started walking off. "Computer, end program."
Ukkyo sighed, watching the people in the restaurant eat their food contentedly.
Couldn't they see she was hurting inside?
Didn't they know that the man she loved didn't care anything for her? Didn't they know how hard this was for her?!
The former youma cook covered her face with her hands and sobbed. "I wish 'Tim would at least notice me."
The man in question stepped out of the back room, lifted her face, and took her into a deep embrace. "Ukkyo," 'Tim whispered in a deep sensuous voice, "You're charming, you're beautiful, you're talented and I love you. Will you marry me?"
Ukkyo blinked. "Mmmm," she thought quickly, "Okay!"
Everyone in the restaurant applauded.
Darien limped slightly as he made his way to visit she whom he'd met as Sailor Mercury. He was still kind of sore from getting blasted into a billion pieces of smoldering ash during that last battle as Tuxedo Mask. He just wanted to see if another injured being could use a bit of comforting.
He flashed his visitor's pass and walked right in.
Amy was still all bandaged up, but she smiled at him. That was a good sign.
"Hi, there," Darien said with a small wave, "How are you feeling?"
Amy just kept on smiling.
"Hey, are you there?" Darien asked, waving his hand in front of the girl's eyes.
Amy didn't respond.
"Hey, you!" Darien said a little louder, then reached out to touch her.
*Whoosh* His hand passed right through her.
Darien recoiled with a gasp, then tried again with the same result.
"Wait," he said quietly, thinking over what had happened over the past few days, "the battle… the blast… ashes, dust. I'm," he came to a slow realization, "dead."
"Darn roight," someone with a thick British accent behind him said.
Darien turned around to see what looked like a small, see-through green and white seal. The ArbyFish. "Wait, you—"
"Welcome ta th' afta'loife, Endy-chum," Arby added with a one-finned salute. "Ya' dead."
"We're both… dead?" Darien still couldn't believe it.
Arby nodded with a smile. "In-deed!" He fluffed up proudly. "Congealed as can be! Stone-cold! Nuked as a ground-'og! Froied loike last week's moss fritters…"
Darien had to sit down for a minute, a hand on his head. "Dead…"
"…An' twoice as tasty, Oye moight add!" Arby fluttered up and sat on his head. "'N you and Oye get to spend the rest of eternity ta'getha'!" the ArbyFish added with a smile.
Fear began to swell within Darien's soul. "How—?"
Arby stood up on his tail. "Well ya see, when ya'z gotz sum really bad case a' th' plague, or a thermo-nuclea'-'shroom devoice 'idden insoide ya trous'as that 'splodes, ya go belly-up in the fishbowl, y'know. So, they scoop us up n' toss us in the water closet, gettin' ready to flush us down. Gotta make sure that the thing's not clogged or anything, you gotta unda'stand, 'cause if it's clogged then ya'z gots ta get a plunger an get it flowin' roight. We're waitin' insoide the fishbowl roight now and 'ave'ta do some'n ta get the smell ta go away b'fore the plumber doies and can't get us down. So now we'z gotz ta—"
"Shut up, Arby," Darien said through clenched teeth.
Arby stood, offended. "Oye will do no such thing." He cleared his throat. "Now, az Oye wuz sayin', we'z got ta get to the sewer-system to avoid getting eaten by the mutton-'atch."
The ArbyFish's explanation continued for an hour, then two, then a day, then a week, then a year, and…
There they were, forever and ever and ever.
Darien screamed the scream of the condemned, and continued for all eternity… MWA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAA!!!!!
"Oh, and Happy April Fool's Day," Arby added.
Darien stopped, then smiled and stroked the ArbyFish's fur. Then, the entire cast came on stage, singing 'let all acquaintance be forgot'.
Everyone smiled and took a bow.
"Thanks, everyone!" 'Tim said with a wave, "Good night!"
He turned to take Ukkyo in his arms and kissed her.
Darien likewise kissed Terra.
Luna gave a sweet little cat-kiss to Arby.
Lina gave that doctor-extra from Amy's scene a great big smooch.
This went through the entire cast until the only ones left were Raye and Serena. They looked at each other.
"Ummm…" Serena looked nervous.
Raye looked pensive for a moment, then shrugged. "Well, when in Rome…"
A giant foot came down and crushed them all.
[End April Fools Joke.]
Author's notes: Didn't have you guys fooled for a second, nuh-uh, not you mind readers. The best of the best here: can see through ANY plotline. ^_^
You know, when I started this, I planned to just do a whole bunch of weirder than normal stuff, then come out with the punch line. Now, I think I actually might use a lot of this material.
(Editor's note: and God help us, he did… ^_^;; )
Special Thanks to:
The only ones that have written to me during my Internet exile. Therefore, they're the only ones I can trust story ideas and plotlines to, so Nyaaah! ^_-
We'll be seeing you!
Benjamin Alexander Oliver
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