From: ffml-bounce@anifics.com on behalf of Benjamin A. Oliver [boliver@email.arizona.edu] Sent: Monday, August 19, 2002 3:23 PM To: ffml@anifics.com Subject: [FFML] [FanFic][SI] Heart of Sugar Ch.3 Hmm. A few months and a bit of work brings us the third part of a theoretical 4-5 part series. Only because people said they wanted it continued was it continued… And this is the result. Parts One and Two are available at: http://www.florestica.com/ben-oliver/index.html So, what has gone before? Basically, an author and a prereader, Ben and Jason, went on an SI into what they had hoped was the Ranmaverse, but instead ended up inside Chibiusa's head, of Sailor Moon fame. And now it continues… &&&[Begin Gratuitous Self-Insertion Venture, Part Three!!!] Funky mists swirled in the secret hideout of the Witches Won and the Wizards Too. Doctor Dementoe plunked away on the horribly paleolithic Tandy 1 computer while listening to blues music with some headphones while Professor Kalypsoe crashed on the ratted-up sofa. The only Witch of the mercenary crew talked on the phone with their boss. "WHADDAYAHMEANYADONWANTAUSEDAJADEMONKEY?!!?!?!" Subcomandante Chidisyte screamed into the Deathbusters' telephone, nearly crushing the reinforced carbon fiber receiver in her hand. "We went ta AWL THAT trubble, n' NOW you sez you wanted da Holy Grail-Moon Chalice- thingamahjiggar!" Doctor Dementoe laughed quietly to himself as he examined the data on the yellowing computer in front of him. He glanced at the sixteen-year-old woman with pink hair that was his commander, then noticed an odd buzzing in his head. "Zhee faeries are bak, it zheems." He turned to the long-haired man lying on the couch. "Iz it nut zho?" "Yeah, stupid fairies," Professor Kalypsoe groaned and turned over, still trying to catch a few zees after not having slept a wink in the past couple weeks. "Never let me get any rest." He held his head. "@#$^#@ buzzing and your @^@#$^& Swiss accent…" "Eet'z FRENCH!" Dementoe protested, his eyes aflame behind his goggles. "Yeah, whatever. Pardon MY French, too, buddy." "I mean," Professor Tomoe replied on the fuzzy line, "that the Jade Monkey does not have the right type or amount of energy that we need to properly conduct Pharaoh Ninety to this world." He drew a long breath. "Please try to understand, Chidisyte," he added in a reasurring tone, "none of us knew that it wouldn't work. You and your men did a wonderful job on getting us the Jade Monkey-" "Dern straightly!" Chidisyte agreed in her gruffly girly voice. "We were up 'gainst a buncha animal-bred farces in some dumpy enemy pizza-fact'ry! 'Lypsie nearly quit right then n' there!" Kalypsoe sneezed. Dementoe handed him a tissue. "Yehabddrah…" "So, you can appreciate our dire situation." Tomoe added with a sigh. "Chidisyte, we need you and your men. If you can complete just another couple missions for us, I can arrange to have a few daimons created to place under your command for support in battle." "Daymans?!" Chidisye screeched, bits of the phone falling out from between her fingers. "Aye don't need none a' dat hokey-pokey funky voo-doo junk! Me n' mah guyz can handle wotevah you wants us ta due, right, boyz!?" She turned toward her companions. Kalypsoe snored while Dementoe shrugged. The Subcomandante frowned, then turned her attention back to the phone. "Well, we gotcha yah STUPID Jade Monkey, diddin'we?!" Professor Tomoe chuckled lightly. "That's the spirit, girl!" "So tell me wot'chew wants done, Doc!" Chidisyte blared, enthusiastically munching on a chilled carrot stick. "We c'n take it!" "I want you to find those of pure heart to bring in so we can drain their lifeforce, thereby allowing us to spawn daimons." "Wot issit wit'chew n' yer daymans anyway, Doc?" "We will need them to search for the Talismans and thereby enable us to summon the Chalice." "N' then let us call that Egyptian-dress-weirdo, Pharaoh Nightie," Chidisyte completed the professor's thought. "Yeah, I got'cha." She ran her fingers through her short, wavy hair. "So, like, do we get paid on cummisshun 'er somethin' like that?" "If you can get me someone with a pure heart, I will gladly see to it that you are paid well. Very well indeed! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!" Tomoe laughed again, long and hard. "BWAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" Chidisyte frowned and held the phone away at arm's length while her current employer continued to chuckly evilly and maniacally. After eight seconds of this, she raised an eyebrow. "Hey, could you tell that jerk to shut up?!" Professor Kalypsoe shouted, grabbing the girl's arm and pushing the phone away from his ear. Chidisyte hung up the cracked receiver and turned to her companions. "Hey! I got some good news fer us awl! We're gonna get anudder pay check from Tomoe if we c'n get SOME-one wit'a pure heart that we can drag in and have 'em drain." "Exzelendt!" Doctor Dementoe exclaimed, adjusting his dark goggles. Kalypsoe turned his head. "Hmmm. Coolness." He snatched a blanket and twirled it around his face. Chidistyte jumped up and kicked over the couch, sending it and the professor flying across the metal-strewn room. Kalypsoe slammed up against the opposite wall, upside-down with his arms and legs splayed, screaming in surprise, "WHOOOOOAAA!!!" Chidisyte grabbed her drowsy subordinate as he slid to the floor and lifted him up by the back of his collar before tossing him in front of the lockers. "C'mon, 'Lypsie! This ain't the time ta be fallin' asleep! We got work ta do!" Whistling calmly, Doctor Dementoe saved his data, waited a couple of minutes for the little light to go off on the 8-inch floppy drive, then switched off his computer. He hobbled over to grab his eight-million-volt cattle prod, yanking the cord out of its high-yield socket. Chidisyte cartwheeled over to her locker, disabled the blinking security device, and turned the dial. "Six, thurtein, fortie-too." *Click!* The metal door swung open and the girl put away her white labcoat, showing off her bright red spandex outfit underneath, then grabbed one of her ultra-high-caliber gatling guns. She paused in thought for a little while, then snatched a couple chains of special, non-lethal rubber ammunition before closing the large storage unit. "Yeah, the Doc wants 'em alive." "Jhow mennie do vhee needt tu capdture?" Dementoe asked. "Eh," Chidisyte shrugged, "he just wanted someone with a pure heart. Do we know anyone like that?" The three Deathbusters looked at each other for a while. "Like, Madonna?" Kalypsoe suggested. Dementoe scratched his head. "Zherrie Lewiss?" "Naaaaah," Subcomandante Chidisyte said, dismissing the others' suggestions with a wave of her hand, "wot we need is someone with, like, a -really- pure heart." "I met this nice girl in Elementary School," Kalypsoe whispered, looking up and putting a hand to his chin, "I thought she was kind of pure." "Do jhuu rrrrremember vhere she lives?" Dementoe asked. "All I remember is the name I called her," Kalypsoe admitted, brushing a lock of hair out of his eyes, "which was Chibi-Susa. She had an attitude and a grip like no one else." Dementoe looked at Chidisyte. "Iz not your name truly Azusa, Subcomandante? Did you not also attendt zhee elementarie zchool vhith zhis mhan?" "Heh," Professor Kalypsoe laughed while nodding. "Yeah, she shure did. I was in sixth n' she was in first. She had, like, this MAJOR crush on me." *PANG!* Subcomandante Chidisyte clocked him up the side of the head with her chain of copper casings, sending him reeling backward against a huge stack of LPs. "Did not, now quit sayin' I wuz pure!" she yelled, her eyes welded shut with the hint of a blush appearing in her cheeks while trying her best to repress a smile. "I wuz not!" "Dudette… Like, I stand corrected," Kalypsoe muttered. The young woman with pink hair casually slung her ammo back over her shoulder and asked, "So really, who's it gonna be that we try to take in fer Tomoe?" Kalypsoe and Dementoe looked at each other, then faced the pink-haired young woman. "Keiichi Morisato?" they asked in unison. Subcomandante Chidisyte folded her arms and nodded. "Yeah! We'z gonna go over to his place, blast those chicks he's got hangin' around n' raid that temple he's got. Then we'll bring 'em in fer sum lab x'periments. Sound like fun to y'all?" "Yeh," Kalypsoe agreed. "Vhat are vhee vaiting fhor?" Dementoe asked, motioning toward the door. "Vhee've gut bills to pay!" "Ain't dat da truth?" Chidisyte laughed. Professor Kalypsoe yawned and slumped back onto the overturned couch. Moments later he was asleep again. Chidisyte slapped her forehead. "Hey! Wake up, Lypsie!" She walked over and picked him up by the shirt with one hand and started to shake him around violently. "HEY! Darkylocks! Get'cher hiney in gear n' get up here right now!" She shook him around some more. "Quit countin' sheep, maaan! Way-kuuuup!" *KERACK!* Suddenly, one of Professor Kalypsoe's shoulders popped out of its socket from the force of the girl's hold. o_O "Please wake up, Chibiusa-chan," the elementary school teacher whispered, gently shaking the quietly snoozing girl. "Huh? Whaaaat?" the little girl with a puffy pink cotton-candy hairstyle asked sleepily, glancing around, her head still resting on her arms on the top of the small desk. The little boys and girls around her giggled mockingly. The teacher sighed sadly at the student. Falling asleep in the middle of her explanation was very bad form indeed. She didn't want to be mean, but as a good instructor, she should at least try to teach the new girl a little lesson about paying attention in class. "Tsukino-san, I was asking you to solve a problem for the class." Chibiusa blinked. "You were?" She paused, rubbing her eyes. "Uhh, I was listening. Just resting my eyes. Really." "Really?" "Well, no. Actually, I conked out. Don't ask me why. I like how you're teaching--I don't know what happened. But I was paying attention to everything else." The teacher nodded and started to scribble a few things on the board. Calling upon the courses required for her teaching degree and certification, she wrote up a moderately difficult calculus problem. "If you were listening, you should be able to solve this and explain how." "Oooooooh!" The class collectively grinned at the plight of the transfer student. Chibiusa stood, straightening out her yellow tee-shirt and orange bib-overall-dress, and swaggered confidently over to the chalkboard. She stretched out her arms, grabbed a piece of chalk and started going through all the steps. Four minutes and half a chalkboard of scribbling later, the girl smiled and nodded to herself. "The answer is," she breathed. "Yes?" the teacher asked. "Is…" "Umm-hmm?" "Fourty-two!" Chibiusa finished dramatically, drawing a box around her answer with four quick strokes. She turned around to fold her arms and grin at the class. "Oooh, very impressive," the teacher complimented the girl's work, lightly patting her on the back, "but you've forgotten something very important." Chibiusa frowned and looked back at the chalkboard, examining her work in detail. "Integrate with respect to ex under a closed interval… one to seven… ex squared over six… adding it all up… Integrating with respect to why… adding all that in…" She looked back up at the teacher. "Yup! It's fourty-two." "Think harder," the teacher urged. "It's right under your nose." Chibiusa hunkered down, deep in thought. "Waaaaait," the girl finally said, narrowing her eyes as she suddenly recognized the paradox. "This isn't a math class! It's a SCULPTING class!!!" The teacher politely applauded and smiled. "So glad you've noticed." She laughed pleasantly to herself at the girl's expense. "Are you ready to pay attention now?" The whole room burst into laughter. The girl bowed her head and grabbed her forehead as if someone had just shouted at her. "Uhhh, yeah, sure…" She stumbled back over to her desk, beet red with embarrassment. ^_^ "I can't believe you signed us up for this #$^@#^ sculpting class!" Jason screamed at Ben in annoyance as he floated along in Chibiusa's mental ether. "We're @$^#$&#$ SUPPOSED to be finding a way outta here, REMEMBER?!" "Hey!" Ben replied. "I gotta broaden my horizons, don't I?" "Heh. Why don't you @^&@%@$!!$@#?@#$^@^@^n&% go 'broaden your horizons' looking for the exit function or maybe those @#$^@#^!@%$ Otakufic features you were bragging to me about?!" "I wasn't bragging. And that's no fun. That'd be cheating!" "I WANT those features, Ben!!!" "Cheating takes the flavor out of things." "So?! Give 'em to me! Now!!!" Something suddenly occurred to Ben. "Wait a second, weren't you that one guy who spent ten thousand dollars on an ICE hardware debugger to hack the latest Unreal Online Tournament to give yourself unlimited ammo?" "No," Jason replied, "but whoever he was, he sure had the right idea! We're gonna need a lot more firepower than this kid's dinky 'Pink Sugar' thingy. A whole @#!%!@# of a ton more!" "Jason, aren't we supposed to be having fun with this?" "Are YOU having fun yet???" "Well, I, ummm…" Chibiusa listened with chagrin to the inner conversation. "There, now you go dig those @#$^!#!$>!!