A Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon story
by Benjamin A. Oliver
Disclaimer: Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon belongs to Takeuchi Naoko, Koudansha, TV Asahi, and Toei Douga, and DIC.
This is a blatant SI. You have been warned.
Seeking for a cheap thrill, Mister Ben Oliver and his prereader Jason Hanks punched into the Self Insertion line, and vanished.
Now, who knows where they may end up…
[Begin Gratuitous Self-Insertion Venture, Part One!!!]
"Okay, Jason, we're in."
"You sure? I can't see."
"Pretty sure. We got that telepathic link working, so we can talk to each other, no matter where we are."
"Great. Can't wait to try this out."
"Now, if I got the factors worked out right, we should be in THE canon Ranma continuity. I should be taking over Pantyhose Tarou right now. Yeah, the name's not all that great, but it's a great tradeoff for the power."
"Who am I in?"
"You should be in Ranma or Ryouga."
"Heh. Cool. If ya got me into Ryouga, we could seriously mess with some heads with this line— 'We will kill you Ranma! Because of you we've seen HELL!' Hah!"
"We should get visual contact in three… two… one — NOW!"
Jason opened one eye.
Ben opened the other.
Sailor Chibimoon screamed. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
Jason screamed. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
Ben screamed. "AAAAAAAAAAH!"
Chibiusa gulped in a few breaths. "Ummmm, uhhh—"
Ben was calming down. "Eeeeeh, eh heh…"
Jason was traumatized for life. "#$^@#^@#!! No, this can't be #$@#^@$ happening. This @#$#$@^ can't be happening. This can't be ^%&#$^@@ happening. This can't be happening! @$^#@#$&#$@@$&^$!!!"
"Whoa," Ben hadn't heard that sort of language in a long old time.
Sailor Chibimoon fell flat on her face. Okay, it was 1994, and she had just gotten back to continue her training as a Sailor Senshi, and to find some friends, and she was in a big festival with a bunch of people banging on drums, and she was getting ready to rush in and save Sailor Moon and Sailor Mars from the daimon that was going to appear in a couple minutes, and she was even checking how she looked and practicing her introduction pose behind an unused stand in front of a conveniently-placed full-length mirror Luna-P had come up with, and had just gotten out her little heartwand when these voices started popping up in her head, and one was cussing worse than a teamster, and, and, and was so freaked out that she couldn't help but think in a huge, long, run-on sentence, and—-
"Uh oh," said Ben in the closed-off, forbidden spaces of Chibiusa's brain. He laughed nervously. "Did you hear what she said, Jason?"
"Yeah, I did… @#$%%!!!!"
"What do you think we should do?"
"How in the @#$$$@#$^ should I know? You were the one that was supposed to do all the calculations, brain guy!"
"I double-checked them," thought Ben, then his recollections flashed to a misplaced decimal point on the fifth line, "oops."
"Oops?" whispered back Jason incredulously, trembling with barely controlled rage. "Oops!? You've stuck us both in Chibiusa's mind and all you have to say is 'oops?!'"
"I'm sorry?" apologized Ben.
"Not even NEARLY 'sorry' enough! Yet."
"Ummmm," Chibiusa voiced aloud, looking up and trying to figure out who was speaking, "who are you guys? And what are you doing in my head?"
"Nobody, and we were just leaving, right, Ben?"
"Uhmmm, let me get back to you on that."
"@#$%%$^%$!!! …Don't tell me: We're stuck, aren't we?"
"In Chibiusa's head?"
"I'm going to kill you. Slowly, excruciatingly, and in ways that would make Vlad Tepes vomit. You know that, don't you?"
"Probably. Do you know how to fight inside a head?"
"No, but I'm going to figure it out. Soon."
Sailor Chibimoon sat down and held her head, which was beginning to ache. "Can you two be quiet, please!"
"Figure it out yet?" Ben quizzed.
"Don't rush me…" Jason replied.
*BZZZZREOOOOOW!!!* An electrical surge wracked Sailor Chibimoon's body, leaving her sprawling on the ground, twitching.
"AAAAAAAAH!" screamed Chibiusa.
"AAAAAAAAH!" agonized Ben.
"GAAAAH!" screamed Jason aloud, suddenly finding himself in control. He, wearing Chibiusa's body, sat up, looking around frantically.
"AAAH!" squealed Chibiusa. "I can't feel my body anymore!"
"Well," said Ben, "congratulations, I guess you figured out how to get in control of the body. Might've been a useful tool if you ended up in Ryouga, like we planned."
Jason stumbled around for a second, then stood up, still feeling really quite dazed. "Well, whose fault is THAT?"
"Your balance is off," noted Ben.
"WAAAAH!" whined Chibiusa, shocked and confused. "Someone's taken over my bod-eeeeeeee!"
"Ah," continued Jason, speaking aloud in ChibiVoice, "where was I? Yes, I was going to do something vile to you, but I'll settle for… STRANGLING YOU!!!" He clasped Sailor Chibimoon's hands around her neck, and started to squeeze.
"No, that'll kill us both!" shouted Ben. "AND Chibiusa!"
"So -ACK- much the better -OOMPH-"
After a moment, Jason let go of Chibimoon's neck, breathing harshly. "Hey, (pant-pant) that hurts…"
"Didn't feel a thing," admitted Ben.
"Waaaaah!" whined Chibiusa. "They're tryin' to kill meeeee!"
Jason took a few steps around, trying to get used to walking on Chibimoon's legs. "Whoa." He suddenly tripped on a half-hidden cable, thudding to the ground, bruising Chibimoon's knees. "Ow…"
"Trippy, huh?" Ben tried to make light of the situation.
"Gimmee back my bod-eeeee!" whined Chibiusa.
"She wants her body-back, body-back, body-back," Ben sang to himself, and to all present.
"Not yet," replied Jason, getting up and beginning to walk off.
"Say, where are we going?" asked Ben uneasily.
Jason continued his determined march. "I'm going to go throw us off Tokyo Tower."
"WAAAH!" cried Chibiusa. "They're gonna throw me off Tokyo Tower! I'm too young to dieeee!!!"
"HEY now, Jason, we're not in the SMSS series. Didn't you hear Chibiusa here? There aren't going to be any pegasuses, and we won't have to worry about dream mirrors or the Dead Moon Circus, or anything, and the girl we're in is somewhere around nine years old; we won't have to worry about romantic entanglements— and Setsuna! Setsuna's here. So's Hotaru. Don't do anything rash now. Killing Chibiusa would upset Hotaru. We don't want that, do we?"
"I don't care," Jason said, then Chibimoon's eyes unfocused slightly, "Set-su-na?"
"Puu?" thought Chibiusa.
"Mokona? You in here too?" asked Ben.
If Chibiusa could have, she would have blinked. "Who's Mokona?"
Jason's thoughts still centered on one topic. "Hotaru?"
"Who?" Chibiusa was still really quite puzzled. "What's going on?!"
There was a low, distant humming of an approaching car, followed quickly by someone calling through a megaphone, "Ah! Ah! Ah! Test! Test! Test! Check! Ah! Tono Maya-san Tono Maya-san, Tono Mayasan! If you are here, please show yourself!"
"That sounds like Eudial," Ben noted.
"Tono Maya-san Tono Maya-san, Tono Maya-san! If you are here, please show yourself!"
"A daimon's attacking!" remembered Chibiusa. "Usagi and Rei are gonna be in trouble. We have to go rescue 'em!"
"Hmm, now what part of the series was this?" considered Ben.
Jason knew. He'd figured it a long time back. "The S series, just when Chibiusa shows up. The daimon's called 'Soiya,' it has drums and clubs, and all Chibiusa ever did in that episode is just make a distraction!!" He reconsidered. "They don't need us." He began to walk off.
"Come out, Daimon!" the battle continued.
"You're not going to Tokyo Tower, are you?"
"Soiya! Soiya! Soiya! Soiya!" the daimon shouted.
"No, I'm just going off for a stiff drink or five. You coming?"
"I don't drink."
"I'll drink, you can drive us home afterwards."
"No! We have to beat that Daimon! Gimmee my body back!"
*Blam!*Blam*Blam!* "Soiya! Soiya! Soiya! Soiya!"
After so long a wait, Luna-P reverted to its normal kitten balloon shape. It floated in front of Chibimoon's eyes, stopping Jason. "Hey. What're you looking at?"
Luna-P's eyes flickered out, leaving a heavily digitized image of Sailor Pluto. "Small Lady," the Senshi of Time reprimanded softly, "you are supposed to be distracting that daimon right now."
Both Chibiusa and Ben could tell that their heart rate had suddenly increased dramatically.
Chibimoon's eyes unfocused. "Yes, Setsuna-sama."
It was difficult to tell due to the poor resolution, but it looked like Sailor Pluto raised an eyebrow. "Puu," she corrected.
"Yes, Puu," Jason said in a soft ChibiVoice, "would you like it fried, or extra crispy?"
"Just go out there and distract it, please. Right now."
*SCREEECH!* Tires screeched away.
Jason spun around, thwapped open the stand's curtain, and ran outside toward the daimon, who had Sailor Mars and Sailor Moon at its mercy, drums smashed around their waists.
"Now, it's time to beat the drums!" announced Soiya, holding up a pair of big, long spiked wooden clubs.
"Ummm," said Sailor Moon, looking uneasily at Mars, "when you mean the drums—"
"Do you mean us?" Mars completed the thought.
"Wait a second, Jason! Do you know how to fight?" asked Ben as the three-in-one combo rushed at the Daimon's back.
"Uhhh, in theory. Besides, Usagi can do it! How hard can it be?" thought Jason in reply before he leapt up on Soiya's back and got it in a headlock. "Grrr. I'm the annoying Sailor Chibimoon, and in the name of Setsuna-sama, I'll snap yer neck!!!"
"WAAAH! You ruined my intro! I was gonna make it SOO neat and dramatic, but YOU ruined it!" Chibiusa whined.
Soiya stopped, coughed lightly, then put away its clubs and reached up to grab one of Sailor Chibimoon's arms.
"Chibiusa, are you strong enough to wrestle down a Daimon?" Ben asked.
"I don't think so," thought Chibiusa quietly.
Soiya peeled Sailor Chibimoon off its neck and held her in front of its eyes. "Well, what's this?"
Sailors Moon and Mars stared incredulously. "Chibiusa!"
"UUMPH!" Jason tried to kick as hard as he could at the Daimon, spitting curses that could peel paint and kill small animals. "Setsuna-sama wants you dead, SO @#%&@#&%*N' DIE!"
Soiya didn't seem to be that affected. "Hmm, it looks like I have a new club!" A new drum appeared on its back, which rushed high into the sky, and split into a dozen copies, which flew down and arranged themselves around the daimon. Soiya gripped Sailor Chibimoon by the ankles.
"Uh oh," noted Ben.
"Heh heh heh," Soiya laughed evilly and raised Sailor Chibimoon up high.
*A-whamp-bah-ba-loo-bop-awhamp-bam-boo!*SMASH!* Soiya smashed Chibimoon around wildly, smacking the girl's head hard against the drums, and finally smashed her through one. She went flying a few yards and hit her head hard against a rock.
*BZREOW!* An electrical short went through the girl's body.
Chibiusa sat up and rubbed her head. An inch-high lump rose out of it. "Owww," she said, then paused and jumped up in joy. "I'm in control again! WAAAAI!" She took up a fighting stance and looked at the daimon. "Now I got you!"
While this happened, Sailor Mars pulled the drum off of Sailor Moon, and the blonde did the same for her friend. Sailor Moon turned and looked between Chibimoon and Soiya. "Uh, Mars, Chibiusa is back."
Mars was flabbergasted. "She's a Sailor Senshi."
Sailor Moon continued to stare. "And she's screaming obscenities."
"Jason, are you still there?" Ben asked, but got no response. "Jason?"
Sailor Chibimoon whipped her patented Pink Sugar Heart Wand and held it aloft. "Pink Shugaaaah," she began and spun around once, "Heaaaaaaart Attackuuu!" She stopped and skidded to a halt on her bruised knees. "Ow-ow!"
*Dadadada* A couple music-box notes played and the wand's big heart started to glow, but it faded out a second later. Chibimoon held the wand up for a second longer, but nothing happened.
The daimon just sort of watched in amusement. "Well, what happened?
*Dadadadaaddadadada* The music box notes started up again, and a stream of pink hearts shot out, falling just barely short of their target.
A giant sweatdrop appeared on the left side of Sailor Chibimoon's forehead, and gradually began to work its way down her face. The heartstream continued on.
"Uhh, it didn't work," Chibiusa thought.
"Get closer," whispered Ben.
"I know, I know," Chibiusa whispered back. She shuffled closer, little by little, until her shots finally connected.
"OW!" shouted the daimon.
*Ping-ping-ping-ping-ping!* The stream of pink hearts blasted against Soiya's face. The force of the assault surprised it, knocking it over.
*Ping-ping-ping-ping-ping!* The hearts continued striking, now against the daimon's bent-over rump.
"I'm winning!" thought Chibiusa.
"Keep it steady," Ben cautioned. This was happening slightly different he remembered, but it was close enough to make a tactical guess. "It's going to try to dodge."
And dodge it did! Soiya put a hand up, blocking the hearts, and leapt over behind the little girl, and, faster than she could respond, the daimon swept her feet out from under her.
*CRACK!* Sailor Chibimoon fell down and hit her head against a big rock. The Pink Heart Wand shut off.
"OW!" Ben sat up, holding Chibimoon's head. He paused. "Jason? Chibiusa?" No response. Sailor Chibimoon frowned. "Hoo-boyHey!" With the aid of some sort of survival instinct, he rolled out of the way of a spiked club, which smashed down where he'd been.
"You know, she's doing pretty good," noted Sailor Mars.
Sailor Chibimoon rolled out of the way of another club strike, then got picked up by the collar.
"You're awfully stubborn," Soiya said.
Ben flailed around, swinging Chibimoon's arms wildly.
*Phoonk!* Somehow, he managed to jam the Pink Sugar Heart Wand into Soiya's mouth.
Ben and Soiya were silent for a second. Ben looked at the wand's handle, then back up at the drum-daimon, then brightened up and guessed, "Pink Sugar Heart Attack?"
Soiya was about to reach up and pull the want out of its mouth, but then the famous music-box noises kicked up again. Soiya's eyes bulged.
*Ping-ping-ping-ping-pingping-ping!* The Wand fired up inside the daimon's mouth. The weird warped beast fell down, twitching, the equivalent of a magical machinegun slapping through its soft palate and up against its version of a brain.
Sailor Chibimoon backed off a few steps, Ben starting to feel a little proud of his handiwork. "Yeah!"
Soiya rolled around, pink sparks enveloping its head. Its skull was visible every few seconds from the force of the inner pulse.
The daimon flailed around for nearly a minute more, dying slowly and painfully, then shouted, "RUUVVREEEY!" through its jammed mouth, and finally went limp.
*Vrrow-row* Soiya's image flickered out, and a drum set fell down in its place, along with the Pink Sugar Heart Wand-thingy.
A white, ribbed egg squeezed out of the drum set, fell on the ground, and split open.
*Skreeow* A black shadow came out of the egg, and vanished.
Ben blinked. "It looks so much more gruesome in real life…" He looked down at Chibiusa's body, which he currently controlled. "And this feels a lot weirder that I imagined. Yet strangely liberating, and drafty, and—"
"Chibiusa-chan!" Sailor Moon drew closer with a demandingly inquisitive look on her face. "What are you doing here?!"
Sailor Mars also approached, feeling around the girl's scalp. "And didn't getting your head smashed around so much hurt?"
Ben stared blankly at them, not understanding a word they were saying. He only winced when Mars poked and prodded the bumps on Chibiusa's head. "I'm sorry; I don't speak Japanese."
Sailor Moon's jaw dropped. "That sounded like English."
"You must have gotten hit really hard back there," Mars added, her voice full of concern.
Then, the daimon victim, the poor professional drummer girl, sat up. "Ow, what hit me?"
Ben just laughed and smiled nervously.
A few minutes later, the head's other two occupants started waking up.
"Ouwie," Chibiusa stated.
"Mom," Jason began, "I had this weird dream. I dreamt that-"
"It was no dream," Ben affirmed. "You're really stuck with me in Chibiusa's head."
"Oh, NOOOOOOOOO!!! $@#^#$^@#$#*@&@@@&$^@^#%*&&*(^%*)#@!!!"
*BZZREOW!* Jason was once again in physical control.
"Hey, quit hogging my body!!!" Chibiusa shouted back.
*BZZREOW!* The girl took over.
"Way to go, Chibiusa! You figured it out!" cheered Ben. He thought that over. "Now, if only I could…"
"You planned all this, didn't you?" Jason accused. "DIDN'T YOU?!"
"Hey!" Usagi complained, shifting Chibiusa around on her back, "Quit squirming."
"I wanna get up higher!" Chibiusa said aloud, trying to get a better view of the festival.
"That's weird, I can understand Usagi now," Ben noted. "Maybe there's some psychic translator in here somewhere."
"You're going to pay for this, Ben. MAN are you gonna pay," Jason growled on.
"Would you guys shut up," Chibiusa snapped, aloud as well as inside, "whoever you are."
"Why'd you have to say something like that, you little menace?" Usagi suddenly didn't feel like holding her future daughter on her back anymore.
"Ahhh," Ben contemplated, "one big, happy family!"
"You're gonna get it…"
"Wow, you WERE supposed to end up in Ryouga, weren't you?"
Jason stalked back into the recesses of Chibiusa's mind to mope, and to plan.
Luna-P floated on by beside them, whirring happily as it went and the three people inside the little girl's head listened to the drums and watched the fireworks go off.
And thus it began…
[End Gratuitous Self-Insertion Venture, Part One!!!]
Visual effects, Ending credits:
Chibiusa looking over Tokyo from a hilltop, headbanging to the tune of "Baby, Baby Love," which she listens to with headphones and a walkman.
BIG THANKS TO:
Chibiusa (singing along): Da-da-dah, Baby-Baby Love! (Head bobs up and down, snapping her fingers to the sound of the beat, lips curled.)
Chibiusa: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Chibiusa (headbangs along to the beat)
FOR PUTTING UP WITH IT ALL. ^_^
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