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A Dragon Ball Z / El Hazard crossover story
by BobCat

Disclaimer: Akira Toriyama and Toei Animation own DRAGONBALL Z. El Hazard is owned by Pioneer and VIZ. I am involved in the opposite paradigm of the status of owning any of these anime characters or situations.


Chapter 1: Plot Construction


"God does not play dice with the universe."
               —Albert Einstein

 

"Hey, hey, hey! Good morning, Tokyo! Dick Albert here on Radio JPOP at 6:43 in the A.M. on this bea-utiful Friday morning! Today is a balmy seventy-three degrees Fahrenheit, or for you metric users, some number that I'm too lazy to calculate! Traffic is, as always, utterly gridlocked, so today might be a good day to just enjoy the weather while it lasts with a nice walk. In other news, there's yet more conflict in the Middle East, as some guy decided to blow something up for some reason, most likely a jihad; I dunno. Anyway, here's this week's number one Country hit, 'I Done Shot My Pig Last Thursday!'"

A bleary eyed Gohan smashed his fist into the offending radio, sending shards of metal and plastic in all directions. As a metal wire cut into his hand, the half-breed was jarred into full wakefulness. He yawned loudly as he rose, scratching the small of his back. "What time is it?" He picked up a backup clock from beside his bed as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes. He was briefly worried that he had overslept his alarm again, but he was relieved to find that he still had over three hours before his first class started. Gohan yawned intentionally, hoping to lull his mind into a state of sleepiness. It was to no avail, as his brain derailed his efforts at silencing thought. He grumbled, "Stupid daylight savings time. Gets me every year!"

Although his mind was fully awake, his body was not sharing its enthusiasm. Gohan tripped twice on his way to the bathroom as limbs that felt that they were entitled to another hour of sleep protested the commands he gave to them. Eventually, Gohan managed to stumble into the bathroom, and a handful of cold water jarred him fully into the land of the living.

The morning ritual of various kinds of washing and brushing was completed in twenty minutes. As recently as the year before, he might have felt a need to use his super-speed to hasten the process, but he saw little reason to do so.

After putting on a clean school uniform, Gohan surveyed the toxic waste dump he jokingly referred to as his apartment. He briefly considered making an effort at cleaning the place, but decided against it. His roommate, Hiro, seemed to have decided long ago that he liked the filth, and nothing that Gohan could do could sway him from the fact. It reminded him of an old American sitcom that he had seen a few times. He would clean, Hiro would mess, and Gohan prayed that he wouldn't lose his deposit because of the neglect.

Of course, Gohan knew so many ways to make Hiro more compliant. He could have gone Super and beaten him within an inch of his life, or perhaps just grabbed him and thrown him over the horizon. For the second strongest man alive, it would not have been much of a challenge. Although Hiro had sorely tempted him on several occasions, Gohan knew that in the end he was too kind-hearted to go through with it.

Despite a few annoyances, living alone was heaven for Gohan. He could forget that he was an heir of the Saiyan race and its warlike ways. He never had to worry about his mother's demands that he study, nor his brother's annoying hyperactivity. Not since Cell had any great threat come along, and his adventures as the Great Saiya-Man were a simply a diversion. Much more than when he had trained with his father, he felt that he was making a positive impact in people's lives. And unlike home, where his time was monopolized his mother's demands that he study when he wasn't asleep, he could set his own schedule. He had never needed to study nearly as much as Chi Chi had thought, and he had much more spare time now that the slavedriver was not present.

In fact, given his mother's strictness and overprotective tendencies, he had been rather surprised when she announced one day that it was time for him to learn to live on his own. Before he knew it, he was apartment hunting in Japan's biggest city. He still wasn't sure where that came from…*

Now the only question was what to do with this time. Breakfast could wait a bit longer; the new Starbucks down the street would not open for another hour, and Gohan felt the need for some caffeine. Gohan mused aloud, "I wonder what everyone else is doing right now?"

He immediately thought of his old sensei. "Right about now, Piccolo's probably meditating near a waterfall… or in the desert, or something. I never had the guts to tell him just how ridiculous that looked…"

"Just how ridiculous what looked?"

"EEP!" Gohan leapt straight up and banged his head against the ceiling. "Ow… DON'T DO THAT!"

Piccolo smirked. "I've been waiting for an hour, you lazy bum. I didn't think that school life had spoiled you that much. I remember back when you didn't need half as much sleep."

Gohan rubbed his sore head, looking up at the dent in the ceiling. Great. Now I'm definitely going to lose that deposit… "Heh. I just got done with trimester finals, Piccolo. The body is willing, but my brain is weak." Gohan noticed that Piccolo was dressed in a t-shirt, blue jeans and a baseball cap. I wonder what's up with that…

Piccolo's grin broadened. As far as Gohan knew, the reclusive alien never used that look on anyone else. "I think you're just going soft, Gohan."

Gohan stretched in preparation of the sparring match that he knew his old teacher was there for. "I assume you are here to try to beat that softness out of me?"

Piccolo shook his head. "Actually, I'm here to see what the big deal about this place is, oh scholarly one."

Gohan blinked in surprise. "What?"

Piccolo glanced around the dorm. "It can't be the atmosphere that drove you away from the Art, I'll tell you that much." He picked up a half-empty can of Vegeta-Beta from the floor. "How can you live in this mess?"

Gohan sighed. "This is just where I hang my hat. It's my roommate who is the pig." He checked his watch. "Well, I suppose I can give you a tour of the campus before my classes, if you like. Although I am curious about this sudden visit…"

Piccolo became slightly defensive. "Do need a reason to visit my favorite—"

"And only," Gohan chimed in.

"—Pupil?" Piccolo caught Gohan's skeptical look. "What, I'm not allowed to get lonely from time to time?"

Gohan responded, "Not if you don't want people to accuse BobCat of getting you out of character."

Piccolo nodded once. "I see your point. Anyhow, let's get going."

With that, the odd pair left for Gohan's school. They briefly considered flying, but decided that it would be wise not to attract undue attention, particularly in light of Gohan's ecret-say identity-way. As Gohan noted, high school students may be a bit inexperienced, but they're a lot smarter than most people think… despite the wanton and life-threatening sex and substance abuse and an utter lack of any tact. And, for the most part, intelligence.

Where was I?

Ah yes. Gohan decided to forgo his morning mocha, taking his old teacher on a tour of the campus.

Piccolo surveyed the house of learning. "Very nice. Although it isn't any better than Orange Star High, I can definitely see you being happy here."

Gohan nodded. "They have a brand new science building over there. It's about the third best in Japan since some crazy millionaire left an endowment to the wrong school. Man, you should have heard the guys at Tokyo U whine…"

Piccolo's brow furrowed as a new thought occurred to him. "Why did you leave Orange Star, anyway? You always seemed happy there…"

Gohan attempted to dodge the subject. "So, what have you been up to? Still practicing your sewing?"

Piccolo responded, "Well, I've been working on my macramé, and… wait a minute… cut that out! Just answer the question!"

As the pair continued to stride through the campus, Gohan searched for the proper words. He briefly considered lying about his current school having a better teaching staff, but that wouldn't work. Piccolo would see through such an obvious lie immediately. Orange Star had its issues, but at least the science teacher wasn't a lush… almost makes me wish I hadn't told him so many stories on the way over… Eventually, the demi-Saiyan decided to bite the bullet. "It was Videl."

Piccolo struggled to remember. "Satan's girl? Didn't you two go out for a bit?"

Gohan sighed. "After the tournament, we did go out a few times. But… she was a little bitter about the first round…"


World Martial Arts Tournament
1 Year Ago

Gohan, still clothed in his Saiya-Man costume, stepped up onto the arena. He ground his teeth as he tried to think of a way to avoid the current situation. Argh! Damned if I do, damned if I don't! Of all the lots I had to pick, why did it have to be hers? Now I'm stuck! Win or lose, she'll take it wrong! If I go all out, she'll get creamed and hate me! If I hold back too much, she'll figure it out and hate me! And if I balance things perfectly, I just know she'll take it wrong! What do I do?

The announcer was utterly oblivious Gohan's angst. "And now, after the lightning-fast victory by tournament veteran Krillin, we have a real treat, as Videl, daughter of the current champion, faces off against the enigmatic and oddly dressed Saiya-Man! Are both contestants ready?"

Videl nodded once in a very determined manner. Gohan hesitated, and then matched the motion, if not the conviction. At this, the announcer leapt down from the arena and pumped his arms in an exited manner. "Then let the match begin!"

Gohan decided to let Videl make the first move. The aggressive girl was more than happy to accommodate him, beginning with a lightning fast barrage of punches. Gohan, still wrestling with his dilemma, let his body go on autopilot, making her superhuman speed seem pathetic by comparison as he dodged each blow.

Finally, after nearly two minutes of continuous attacks, an exhausted Videl fell to one knee. She glared up at Gohan. "HIT BACK ALREADY!"

Gohan, still wrestling with his dilemma, automatically obeyed her order. His light tap sent her across the stadium and into the cement retaining wall below the stands. She lay there spread-eagled for several seconds before gravity took its course and she slumped to the ground. Even before the orange garbed monk who assisted with the competition ran over to her, Gohan could tell that it was a one-hit KO. I am so dead when she wakes up…


Piccolo could only wince at that. "I did not know her very well, but I can definitely see where that would cause some problems down the line… she prided herself at being a top rank fighter, and you stole that illusion from her quite casually."

Gohan could only nod in agreement. "We were definitely attracted to each other, but she never got over it. Eventually, we both agreed that things just weren't working out, so we broke up. It wasn't too long afterwards that I sent in my application to Shinonome High. I liked the teaching staff, but all of my friends were Videl's friends, and it was way too awkward."

Piccolo, seeing the obvious discomfort that this line of questioning was causing for Gohan, changed subjects. "So, have you made any friends here?"

Gohan considered. "Well, this girl named Nanami is pretty nice…"


Monday…

Mr. Fujisawa scratched an equation onto the chalkboard, looking away from the class as he forced his alcohol-impaired reflexes to write legibly. "So, with the equation v=dt, we can calculate the speed of any object moving in a straight line. Now, who can tell me how to calculate the speed of a falling object?" Fujisawa amended his statement, "Besides Son Gohan?"

Nanami Jinnai sat happily in her place next to the buff transfer student. In her eyes, Gohan had it all. Brains, a well-defined musculature that was not too extreme, a good personality, and an equally nice butt. Nanami turned to Gohan. No use being subtle. He looks to be the nice but oblivious type. "Gohan, I really like you."

Gohan smiled back at her. "Thanks! I like you to. You've been a real friend since I came here."

Nanami flinched. "No, I mean that I like you as more than a friend."

Gohan responded, "Nice to hear. Can we talk about this later? Fujisawa is trying to teach us."

Nanami clenched her right fist angrily. OK, he's either oblivious or not interested. Only one way to find out; extreme bluntness. "I like you Gohan. I want to go out with you on dates, get to second, possibly third base after a few establishing dates, build a relationship with you and possibly settle down after college."

Gohan's eyes widened. Whoa… didn't see that coming… "Oh… um, sure, sometime… how about Friday? There's a free concert at the college campus at 7:00."

Nanami nodded. "Sure!"


Gohan continued. "I think we might have a chance of our relationship working. She's pretty, smart and fun." Gohan halted his train of thought. "God, that sounds so cliché… but, it's true. She's also relatively stable. Unlike her brother…"


Meanwhile, at an emergency meeting of the student council…

Katsuhiko Jinnai, Student Body President of Shinonome High School, stared disbelievingly at the thick document in his hands. "IMPEACHED?"

The head of the student council nodded with a smug grin on his face. "Yes, Jinnai. In your hands, you hold a petition to have you removed from office for extreme abuse of power."

He flipped through page after page of signatures. "But… this is impossible! There are thousands of signatures here! This many people don't even go to our school!"

The girl sitting across from Jinnai said, "Well, just to hammer in how unpopular you are, we asked for signatures from students at the elementary and junior high schools that feed into Shinonome."

Jinnai flipped back to the first page. And whose name should be at the top of the roster but… Son Gohan! How dare that upstart have the gall to call for the impeachment of a leader whom he did not vote for?! With a fantastic strength born of rage, Jinnai ripped the telephone book thick paper to shreds. "THIS SHALL NOT STAND!"

The student council leader shook his head. "Deny it all you like, Jinnai. You're booted. Welcome back to the ranks of the 'mindless cattle' you were always so fond of calling us."

Jinnai raced from the room, trailing scraps of the petition in his wake. "SON GOHAN! YOU SHALL PAY DEARLY!"


Gohan sneezed. "Ugh. Stupid allergy season…"

Piccolo heard Jinnai's rants with his superior hearing. "I would suggest altering your course."

Gohan gave Piccolo a strange look until his own superhuman senses picked up the noise. "Oh, it's just Katsuhiko. Ignore him; he usually goes away."

"SON GOHAN! I SHALL HAVE MY HEAVENLY-ORDAINED VENGEANCE!!!!!"

Gohan looked towards the source of the scream. "Then again…"

 

To be continued.


Author's notes:

  • Page 592, paragraph 9 of The Over-Protective Mother's Bible: Now, having successfully sheltered your child from the real world for over eighteen years, it is time to set him free and unprepared into it. Some might feel guilt at this, wondering if their time parenting might have been better spent allowing him to experiment with social interaction and real life experience instead of unending study. Ignore this logic, just as you ignored all other logic. Your mantra was, and will still be, "My child's education comes first, come hell, high water or the immanent destruction of Earth that my son could prevent if I only let him fight!"

No, this Videl isn't an alternate version of Ranma ½'s Akane. Gohan is just a bit more paranoid about the relationship in this universe.

What, you didn't think that Chi Chi came up with it by herself, did you?

And no, I don't have anything against Videl. It's just how the fic ideas occur to me, and for some unknown reason, they always end up with her getting written out.

Chapter 2
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