Disclaimer: Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon belongs to Takeuchi Naoko, Koudansha, TV Asahi, Toei Animation, and DIC. Dragonball Z is owned by Akira Toriyama, Bird Studio, Toei Animation and Funimation.

Part 9: Ralph Vs. The Sailor Senshi

Location: Universe FC-1, The Hyperbolic Time Chamber
Day 1 (Year 1), Hour 5 (2 Months)

It was another featureless day in the Chamber. Several months of training were beginning to take effect. GoChibi felt easily twice as strong as she had before, and Phil… Well, Phil was a special case. GoChibi suspected that he was stronger than he was letting on, but she couldn't figure out why he would hide his power. She shrugged, and continued her exercise without a hitch. This was pretty impressive, considering that she was currently standing on one hand, studying a Jedi Holocron that she had brought with her, and lifting several household objects with her mind.

Normally, she would have begun the day in silent meditation. However, today she had decided to cram in some more Force training. Phil usually uses some Jedi trick to beat me. Putting me to sleep, throwing me around… but I'll be ready next time! In her right hand was the small cube. From one of several ports emanated a hologram of an older, bald man with dark skin. The Holocron was a tiny library, filled with as many Jedi secrets as one could stuff into its almost limitless capacity.

"Master Windu, how do I stop Phil from using mind tricks on me?"

The hologram wavered a moment. What also made the Holocron unique was its interface system. Basically, a Jedi had recorded certain lessons into the device. A different Master taught each lesson, and Mace Windu had recorded this particular lecture before being slain by Darth Vader. GoChibi still wasn't sure how the Physics Police had come into possession of the Holocron, but she didn't particularly care.

"One must immerse oneself in the Force. Learn to see through the false vision. One's will must be strong, and your spirit clean. Remember, any illusion is simply that: an illusion." Again, the image froze.

Flipping to her feet, GoChibi put the item into her back pocket. "Right. C'mon, Phil, I'm ready." She gently set down the silverware and plates onto the table in a neat pile. A yellow aura surrounded her, and her pigtail came undone as the energies of her Super Saiyan state flowed through her. "D'oh!" Not again! From now on, I'm just gonna let it do what it wants. She scanned for her Godfather, and detected him several kilometers away. She flew at supersonic speeds. The empty whiteness of the Hyperbolic Time Chamber engulfed her.

That's odd. Phil feels weaker than he did yesterday. But that's impossible! He's been training even longer than I have! Is he exhausting himself? Her ponderings were interrupted as a bright blue flash filled the air. She winced in pain at the brightness. What the…? A massive shockwave struck an instant later. Had she not been in Super Saiyan mode, she would have been killed on the spot. As it was, she could only resist the energy wave for a moment. She was forced to ride it for the two-kilometer trip back to the living quarters. GoChibi flew through the still broken door and into the couch. The green love seat broke in half and the young Saiyan was embedded in the wall. For several moments, it was all she could do to remain conscious. "Ow." Was that Phil? It had to be, but… he was so weak! How could he…

She remembered Phil explaining how his technique worked. "First question: do we use the same engine technology as the first model T’s?"

"No," she had said.

"Why not?"

"Because they used too much gas, and were too difficult to get going."

"My attempts to make our chi attacks more efficient work the same way. We've been using the same way to power up our chi as they were using thousands of years ago. It works just fine, but it's difficult to maintain, and the techniques are wasteful. I'm trying to get the same effect with less energy. Heck, if this works out, you may not have to transform any more."

GoChibi shuddered. She looked at the weak yellow glow surrounding her arm. That attack almost killed me, but it wasn't even aimed at me! Her mouth gaped in horror as she realized what had happened. I'm obsolete! I must learn this technique!

In the middle — if it even had a middle — of the blank space sat Phil. His finger glowed a light blue, but it was beginning to fade. He blew the smoke from his hand. "Well, the Kamehameha is coming along nicely. I'm disappointed. I thought GoChibi had more smarts than to fly into a firing zone. Oh, well. Now to start on the Kaio-Ken." He went to work, attempting to maintain his enhanced strength while eliminating the red glow.

Just outside the Hyperbolic Time Chamber:

These guys are good. Ralph held five poker cards in his hand, and beads of sweat flowed down his brow. He stared into the beady eyes of the player across from him. He placed two of his cards on the table. "Two." The dealer gave him a pair of cards. Yes! "I see your five, and raise you ten." No way they have anything better than this!

"Char, char mander char! (Nothing but garbage!)" The Charmander threw down its cards. Geodude and Poliwag each stayed in.

"Poli, Poli?" (How the hell am I playing cards? I don't got no hands!)"

"Geo Dude. (Don't ask me!)"

The Pokemon Ralph had picked up during one of his missions served a very important purpose: companionship. Since Ralph was usually assigned to guard the rear, or make sure that somebody didn't escape, or to keep an eye on things, he usually didn't see much action. He felt that his Jedi and magical talents were going to waste, but as long as Phil was around, the mage was always playing a support role. Heck, I almost wish somebody would attack! As soon as he thought it, he took it back. He was in the middle of a world where there were demons, monsters and people who could casually vaporize a planet. He was proud of his skills, but he knew he stood no chance against many of the inhabitants of this planet. My only hope is to just stay out of the way. "I'm calling. Read `em and weep, boys! Full House, Aces over Kings!"

Geodude then revealed his four of a kind. "Huh?" Not again! It was at this moment that Ralph felt a disturbance in the Force. He held up a trio of Pokeballs. "Everybody, return!" All three creatures were converted into energy and sucked into the balls.

"It feels familiar. It's… under my feet?" He considered this for a moment. "They must be at the bottom of the tower." Who could it be?

***

At the base of the totem pole stood four young women. All stared in amazement at the structure before them. It had various hieroglyphs and images carved into the stone structure, and stretched high above the clouds.

Sailor Venus scratched her head. "What is it?"

Sailor Mercury was using her Mercury-Computer magical laptop and scanner goggles to analyze it. "It… isn't possible! This thing must go up for kilometers! There isn't enough stone in all of Japan to make this!"

Sailor Mars had a pair of binoculars. "Looks like it's just one large stone. Wonder where it came from?"

Jupiter agreed. "Yeah, and who built it? Why didn't anyone notice this thing before?"

"Because it wasn't there before."

"Huh?" All four turned to face the voice addressing them. Stepping out of nowhere was Pluto, the Senshi of Time. Also joining her were Uranus and Neptune.

As usual, Mercury was full of questions. "Uranus? Neptune? What are you doing here? We haven't seen you since that business with Sailor Saturn."

"They are here because I asked them here."

"Okay, Pluto. Then why are you here?"

"The timeline is in peril. We have come to repair it."

"What's causing this?"

"Some element of chaos has been causing all sorts of odd happenings for about a week now. Look!" She made a motion, and some sort of crystal ball appeared in her hands. All of the Senshi, Inner and Outer alike, stared in amazement. It showed some events transpiring in New York.

"Bah! Hulk smash funny gray things!"

The Incredible Hulk didn't know how he had ended up in the middle of New York, but he wasn't pleased. The brutish behemoth had been leaping across the plains of New Mexico one moment, and was transported to the noisy, smelly center of Manhattan the next. Suffice to say, the Hulk didn't like this one bit. And then, having a pair of Imperial AT-ST scout walkers attack him didn't improve his mood.

Inside the cockpit of one of the walkers, Commander Jork of the Third Imperial Division was as confused as the Hulk. They had been fighting a band of local aliens, "Awoks" is what he thought they were called, on Endor when a hole in the space-time continuum had opened directly beneath his unit. Unbeknownst to him, the other members of his walker contingent were being blasted apart in one of the various Gundam universes. More pressing, however, was this odd green alien that could withstand bursts from their chin-mounted lasers. These things can take out a small speeder, and this… creature acts like we're shooting him with Calamarian Fluffsquid! "Gunner, try actually hitting him!"

"Sir, every shot has been a direct hit, sir!"

"Damn!" The alien leapt out, landing at the feet of walker number three.

"Why puny humans never leave Hulk alone? Hulk smash!" With that, he lifted the walker above his head, and threw it directly upwards. It achieved a low orbit, and would eventually burn up in the atmosphere somewhere over France.

Commander Jork weighed his options. "Retreat!" By then, it was too late.

"Puny humans run! Puny humans think puny guns hurt Hulk? Hulk smash!"

Jork's last thought was, "That's a rather limited vocabulary!" Then the Hulk's massive feet crushed the AT-ST into an object roughly the height of a manhole cover.

With nothing left to smash, the Hulk leapt away, hoping to find the solitude that he so craved.

Sailor Jupiter was the first to speak. "What was that?"

"I don't know. I've been guarding the Time Gate for thousands of years, but I've never seen anything remotely like that green creature or those robots."

"Pluto, is it a youma?"

"No, its energy isn't right. But this isn't all. Cities have appeared and disappeared overnight. There is a Gotham City, and a Metropolis, but no sign of Salt Lake City! People's personalities have changed overnight. For example, President Bush of America went on the radio to address his nation, and didn't invent a single word!"

All gasped in unison. Mercury had a worried look on her face. "How is this possible?"

"That's exactly my point: it isn't! Some chaos is reshaping our universe, and a good measure of it is focused right here." Pluto looked straight up. "Any ideas how to get up there?"

Jupiter raised her hand. "Oh! Me! Me!"

"Yes?"

"We can hijack a helicopter, then…"

"No."

"Oh, please?"

This time, everybody answered in unison. "No!"

"Just this once?"

"What part of ‘no’ don't you understand?"

"Ah, you never let me have any fun!"

"Excuse me." All of the Senshi turned around, weapons drawn and attacks readied. "Calm down! My name is Sahib. I am a wandering carpet merchant, and I couldn't help overhearing your dilemma."

"Why would we want a carpet? Stop wasting our time, old man!"

"Just for that, I charge you double for my magical flying carpets!"

"Wait… flying carpets?"

"Yes, fresh from Arabia. I can rent you a few. However, for all of you, it will cost… five thousand yen." All immediately choked.

"Huddle!" Venus addressed the group. "Do you have any money?"

"Uh, I have a few yen in my pockets…" Mercury accidentally pulled out Lefty Lisa. "Oops! Wrong pocket!" She searched her right. "Uh, I have a hundred…"

Between them, they had about one thousand. "Oh, please, good sir, please let us have them for this much! The fabric of reality depends upon it!"

"Well, if it's for the good of the world… all right!" He accepted their money. "You can share two."

As the Sailor Senshi floated to the top of Piccolo's watchtower, Sahib whispered into a nearby bush. "Watto, you can come out now."

The blue skinned, flying tapir flapped his way from the bushes. "Ah, very good! What did I tell you? Put a few old repulsorlifts in an old bantha-hide rug, and the rubes come swarming to see your ‘magic’ carpets!"

"Let's go find some more suckers!"

"I teach you well, boy!"

The swindlers moved into the thick undergrowth of the forest, out of both sight and mind for the Senshi.

Ralph was deep in contemplation. The two strange signals are moving away, but those others are coming straight towards me! He ignited his lightsaber. The red energy blade was in position to ward off any attacks.

It was at this moment that a pair of energy orbs flew towards him. One was yellow, and the other blue. He sidestepped the yellow blast, and used his lightsaber to bat away the other. It flew off into the ground, blowing away several tiles. He then saw the source of the attack. Packed three or four to a carpet, the Senshi leapt from the old rugs.

"I, Sailor Pluto, will punish you in the name of Time!"

The Outer Senshi? This could get hairy! "Look, what's all this about?"

Mars stepped forward. "You kidnapped Usagi, you jerk! We want her back, and now!"

Damn! I forgot about that! Sailor Jupiter had lightning streaming across her forehead. Looks like she wants a rematch.

Pluto nodded. "Foul bringer of chaos, we will slay you for the sake of the future!"

"Look, Lady, we're doing this to preserve the future! Just ask GoChibi!"

"Who?"

Just great! The Time Gate hasn't adjusted for the influx of new data! She probably doesn't even know Tux-Boy's dead! And there are too many of them for me to just defend myself with the Reality Checker!

Jupiter had formed the lightning into a ball. "Enough talk! Let's fight already!"

Using the Force to aid his leap, Ralph jumped over the attack. "You call that electricity? D'undertholtes fo Zuse elend mir!" From his own hands came a cluster of lightning bolts. It hit Jupiter. She grimaced for a few moments, but recovered quickly. Damn! She just absorbed the attack! "Dehas f'rifoes het musomni!" A fireball flew towards Jupiter, but Sailor Mercury used her "Mercury Bubbles" attack to intercept it.

OK. My magic is useless. May the Force be with me. He dodged another attack from Uranus.

"Venus Love-Me Chain!"

"Mars Burning Mandala!"

A wave of hearts and fire flew out at him. He narrowly avoided the flames, and used his lightsaber to deflect Venus' attack towards Mercury. The attack sent her sprawling. One down! He was surprised when she rose to her feet. What the hell? Looks like their magic doesn't hurt the other Senshi!

Pluto lowered her staff at Ralph. "All together, girls!"

"Venus…"

"Mars…"

The sheer number of attacks directed at Ralph might have worried even Phil. Ah, crap! Time to get sneaky! Ralph raised his arms above his head, and yelled, "Saotome Family Desperation Move!"

After seeing Phil's power the other day all of the Senshi braced themselves for impact. When ten seconds passed with no assault, they looked out. Ralph had vanished.

Pluto cursed under her breath. "Spread out and find him! Groups of two!"

"Right!"

Meanwhile, Ralph was running through the halls of the palace. He could feel each of them through the Force. Good, they're splitting up. I can take any one of them, but they can beat me through attrition. Gotta think…

A few minutes later, in a dark hall:

"Uranus, any sign of him?"

"Negative, Neptune. It's like he disappeared!"

Ralph was far closer than either would have guessed. He had deactivated his lightsaber, and had now released Geodude. The logic had been that it could withstand their powerful physical attacks. "Ready, Geodude?"

"Geo. (Yes, Master.)"

"Cut the sarcasm, you!"

When the pair of Outer Senshi reached the end of the hall, Ralph sprung his ambush. "N'Diw sw'te ponu lalki!" The whirlwind knocked both on their butts.

"What the…"

"Geodude, tackle attack!"

"Geo!"

The rock Pokemon rammed into Neptune's face, knocking her cold instantly. Uranus began to summon an attack to get rid of the thing. "Planet… Oof!" Ralph, using his lightsaber as a club, struck her in the temple. She slumped to the ground.

Hogtying the pair of Senshi, Ralph hoped that Charmander and Poliwag were having this much luck.

"Hey, Mercury, is that computer of yours picking up anything?"

"Yes, there are two life forms around this corner… Jupiter, wait!" It was too late; her friend was rushing headlong towards the enemy.

As she rounded the corner, Jupiter was toasted by a jet of flames. In classic Anime style, she was burnt to a crisp. She opened her mouth, releasing a puff of smoke. Then she collapsed to the ground.

"Jupiter! Mercury Aqua Rhapsody!" A wall of water flew towards Charmander.

"Char! Mander! (Get off yer lazy ass, Poliwag!)" The tadpole Pokemon leapt from above, and used its barrier attack to shield its ally.

"What are you?" Mercury received no reply from the tiny youma. (Or, at least, she assumed they were youma.)

Poliwag added its water gun attack to Charmander's flamethrower. Still recharging from her last attack, Mercury ended up in much the same state Jupiter did.

Charmander gave a little victory sign. "Char Char! (Slap me some skin, little frog buddy!)"

"There they are! Mars Fire Ignite!" The Pokemon were forced to retreat from the remaining Senshi.

"Hurry up, Geodude!"

"Geo! (Don't rush me, man!)"

The two groups of non-Senshi ran into each other. "Charmander? Have you found the others?"

"Mander! Char Char! (They're right on our tails!)"

"I see `em."

"Halt, foul bringer of…"

"Aw, shaddup! Okay, guys, Rock Throw, Flamethrower, Water Gun!"

"Venus Love-Me Chain!"

"Mars Fire Ignite!"

"Dead Scream!"

The two waves of energy and projectiles collided. For the moment, neither side held the advantage. However, the underdeveloped Pokemon at Ralph's disposal couldn't hope to hold out much longer. Than Ralph had an idea. His eyes began to glow an odd yellow color, and a similarly colored aura surrounded his body.  He then began to chant.

“By the Hammer of Thor,
And the Eye of Odin,
Lend me the strength of
The collectors of fallen warriors.
Valkyrie Beam!”

This particular spell, hidden within the depths of the Grimorum Achrinorum, was the most powerful attack at Ralph's disposal (It was also the only spell in English). It was as yet untested, but it was also his only hope. From each hand, an intense beam of yellow light flew out. The beams assumed the shape of a horse and rider, and smashed into Venus and Pluto.

Mars stood there, shaking. Pluto was the most powerful one here! If he took her out… Then she noticed that Ralph has panting, and was forced to lean against a wall. He's totally drained!

Webmaster: Larry F
Last revision: January 7, 2006