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Ben Jonas presents:

Lines You'd Never Hear On Tenchi Muyo.

Disclaimer: Tenchi Muyo! is owned by AIC/Pioneer and was created by Masaki Kajishima.

Kiyone: Mihoshi, you ARE a genius!

Mihoshi: Guess what, Kiyone? I just got a 100 on my last test. And that makes five tests in a row that I've scored 100% on. Who's the idiot now? How does it feel to be an absolute moron?! Yeah, I thought so! Now go fetch me some tea!!

Sasami: Dinner's ready, everyone! Tonight's main course is: *takes lid off of platter* Oven-Roasted Nagi! (Nagi's severed head on a plate)

Washu: Dang! I don't know the names of the lower 48 states of the United States.

Sakuya: Sorry Tenchi! My heart belongs to another. *Runs over to Shinji Ikari from EVA*

Mayuka *calling out to Tenchi*: Daddy's uncle's brother's nephew's twice-removed once-pronounced-dead-but-now reincarnated half-sibling!

Mitsuki: Hey! Why did I get only 15 minutes of screen time on Tenchi Universe?!

Nagi: Ryoko! We settle this now, once and for all! *The two battle each other in King of Fighters 2000 at a local arcade*

Kagato: At Last! My chocolate chip cookies are done!

Sasami: Who wants some Ken-Ohki stew?

Tenchi: The one I choose is… Umanosuke!

Ryo-Ohki: Pika! Pi… er, I mean, Miyah!

Tsugaru: I have the hots for you, Hotsuma! *Wink*

Makoto Mizuhara: Er, I think I'm in the wrong show.

Washu: El-Hazard's three dimensions down.

Makoto: Thanks!

Sakuya *holding whip, in a seductive vocal tone*: Tenchi, you're going to be my b*tch!

Mayuka *talking to Yuzuha*: Why do I have to go after Tenchi Masaki? Why can't I go after someone more interesting, like Brad Pitt?

Ryo-Ohki: Miyah! Mi… Ah, screw it! Someone get me a carrot now!

Matori: F*ck you, Yugi! I'm not going to pull off another one of your stupid evil deeds today! Instead, I'm going to take a nice, long bubble bath while reading a whole bunch of fashion magazines.

Amagasaki: I love you, Umanosuke!

Misao: I feel like doing something EVIL today!

Kagato: Welcome to my citadel, ladies! Who's up for a game of Parcheesi?

Mayuka: This man's not my daddy! He is! *points to Dan Hibiki from Street Fighter Alpha*

Mayuka: Daddy, I have a confession to make. I'm not really who you think I am. *Pulls down a hidden zipper hanging on the back of her head*

Tenchi: WHA??? Sakuya?!

Sakuya: Actually, I'm not really Sakuya. *Pulls zipper again*

Tenchi: Umanosuke?!

Umanosuke: Nope. Guess again. *Pulls zipper again*

Tenchi: Haruna?!

Haruna: Sorry. I'm not her, either. *Pulls zipper again*

Tenchi: Misao?!

Misao: Getting warmer… *Pulls zipper again*

Tenchi: Grandpa!?

Yosho: I'm afraid that's not it, either. *Pulls zipper again*

Tenchi: Oh no! Not you!

Asuka: Yes. Me! Asuka Langley Soryu! Hope that wasn't too surprising for you, Tenchi! *Wink*

Tenchi: Gah! No! Stay away from ME! (Obviously, Tenchi knows how much of a b**** Asuka is around Shinji and Toji).

Sakuya: Sorry, Tenchi! My heart belongs to another. *Runs over to Makoto Mizuhara from El-Hazard*

Yugi: Soon, Tenchi, you and Sakuya will be united forev— Where's my froggy?! I WANT MY FROGGY!! *Starts going into a temper tantrum*

Hotsuma *covering his ears*: Mistress! I found your stuffed frog! Please settle down!

Yugi: FROGGY! *Grabs hold of Froggy and gives it a big hug* Mommy loves Froggy very much! Yes she does!

Mayuka: You there! John McTiernan (director of the Rollerball remake)! You won't be around to make another terrible movie ever again! Eat THIS! *Pulls out her Light Hawk sword and slices him in two*

Ryoko: …and that's why Huck's character in Huckleberry Finn is a realist, while Tom Sawyer is an idealist. Any questions?

Sakuya: I'm not interested in you, Tenchi! Get out of my sight before I pull out my pepper spray!

Kiyone: Did you see yesterday's episode of Pokémon? Man, that was great!

Washu: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5…. uh, anyone know the name of the number that comes after 5?

Mihoshi: That'd be six.

Washu: Oh. Thanks, uh…

Mihoshi: Mihoshi! My name is Mihoshi! Jeez, what an idiot!

Mr. Fujisawa: What the hell am I doing here? (Referring to Tenchi In Tokyo) I'm supposed to be teaching at Shinonome High School.

Sasami: I hate to tell you this, Sakuya, but I laced your dinner with cyanide. Have a nice day!

Mayuka: Daddy, I'd like you to meet my new best friend, Sakuya Kumashiro. *Mayuka runs over to Sakuya and gives her a big hug. Then the two of them start making out. Needless to say, Tenchi's watching the whole event.*

Yosho: Tenchi, your time to become a man is upon you. Your first task is to drink as much sake as possible while trying to hold it all in.

Nagi: Ryoko, I'm gonna get you… a nice bouquet of flowers!

Misao: Birdy!

Just when Ramia (in bird form) is about to hypnotize Misao and change her into Pixy Misa… *BANG!*

Ramia: Gaakkkk!! *THUD!*

Cassidy *in hick accent*: Nice shot, Cletus!

Cletus *in hick accent*: Woo Hoo! Looks like my NRA membership finally paid off. Hey kids! We eat tonight!

Kagato *listening to all the girls insult him*: You are all very mean! WAAAAHHHH!!!!!!

Yugi: Soon, the world will be miEEEEEEE!!! *Cord that makes Yugi appear like she's hovering suddenly snaps, sending her plummeting to the ground below*

Director: CUT!

Sasami: Dinner's ready, everyone!

Everyone gathers around and starts digging in.

Washu: Delicious! Another wonderful meal, Sasami!

Director: And… CUT!

*Everyone spits out the food that was in their mouths*

Ayeka: Ugh! I almost swallowed that putrid mess!

Mihoshi: Somebody get me some mouthwash, NOW!

Mayuka: Daddy, I have something very important to tell you.

Tenchi: Was is it?

Mayuka: FOOD FIGHT! *Nails Tenchi in the face with a pie*

All of a sudden, the set of Tenchi Muyo erupts into a giant, Three Stooges-esque food fight between all the cast members.

Nobuyuki Clone: *picks up Sakuya* I'm in love! I'm in love! I'm in… URRRGGGHH! OOPS! *Accidentally drops Sakuya* Damn, you're heavy! Have you put on weight?

*Sakuya punches Nobuyuki Clone in the nuts*

Sakuya: That's for grabbing me by my chest, pervert!

Director: CUT!

Umanosuke: *leaning against the wall* So, Tenchi, whatcha gonna be doing this weeken… WHOA!! *Accidentally pushes over the wall, revealing the background for Yugi's dimension*

Umanosuke: AHA! I've found Yugi's secret lair!

All the cast members start cracking up.

Director: CUT!

Mihoshi *drinking a few shots of sake*: Just keep saying to yourself, "It's only a spin-off series, it's only a spin-off series." (Referring to Tenchi In Tokyo).

Scene- The Arcade, from episode 2 of Tenchi In Tokyo

Director: And… CUT! Okay kids, you can now move on to the next scene. Er? Tenchi? Sakuya? I said we're done here. Let's get a move on, people!

Sakuya: Not until I'm done showing this puny scrub my mad skillz! No one can stop me as Kyo Kusanagi, no one! Behold, I am KOF master Sakuya!

Scene- Tenchi's Bedroom, from OVA 7

Sasami: Tenchi, I just had a bad dream! I dreamt that an evil man by the name of George W. Bush became the President of a country called the United States of America.

Tenchi: Uh… I hate to tell you this, Sasami, but he really IS the President of the United States of America.

Sasami and Washu *terrified*: AAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!

Ayeka: So, let me get this straight: you're what Sasami's going to look like when she gets older?

Tsunami: Actually, No. I'm just a substitute goddess. This is what she's actually going to look like ten years from now: *pulls out a picture of a cigarette-smoking, gutter-trash Sasami with a short haircut and a bottle of sake*

*Ayeka turns white with horror, while Ryoko is rolling on the floor with laughter*

Scene- One day after the events in Daughter of Darkness

Mihoshi: Hey, baby Mayuka! Wanna take a tour of the Yagami's engine room?

Mihoshi takes baby Mayuka into the engine room of the Yagami. As they approach the fusion reactor part of the room, Mihoshi accidentally trips over one of the pipes, sending baby Mayuka flying into the fusion reactor. Desperate to cover up the grave error she just made, Mihoshi constructs a crude look-alike of Mayuka, using an old baby doll, blue fur from one of her stuffed animals, a marker, and a lot of glue. Somehow, she's able to pass off the fake Mayuka as the real one.

Scene- The beach, from episode 21 of Tenchi In Tokyo

Sakuya's playing around in the water with the other girls, when all of a sudden, a giant wave comes roaring in. The impact of the wave knocks Sakuya over and takes her bikini top off in the process. She emerges from the water, covering her now-exposed chest.

Sakuya: Somebody, get me a towel! HURRY!

All of a sudden, a whole bunch of guys holding towels approach her.

Tenchi: I'll help you, Sakuya.

Amagasaki: Oh no you don't, lover boy! I was here first!

Umanosuke: Outta my way, perverts!

Kazuki: Ignore those morons! Let me help you, Sakuya!

Tenchi: What the heck is he doing here?!

Kiyone: Mihoshi, I think something's wrong with the left engine of the Yagami. Mind going into the exhaust port and taking a look?

Mihoshi: Not at all! Just leave everything to me!

Five minutes later…

Mihoshi *via two-way wristwatch*: I don't see anything wrong with this engine. Are you sure everything's okaEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

At that moment, Kiyone activated the jet engines of the Yagami, thus incinerating the blond bubblehead.

Kiyone: Don't worry, Mihoshi. Everything's fine. (At least from here on out it will be!)

Suddenly, a monitor popped up in the cockpit of the Yagami.

GP Chief: KIYONE!!

Kiyone: Yes sir…?

GP Chief: CONGRATULATIONS! You've rid the Galaxy Police of one of the biggest scourges ever! In appreciation of your commendable achievement, you'll receive a promotion, as well as two weeks' paid vacation. That is all.

Kiyone: YES!!!


The END!

And that's it for "You're Not Supposed To Hear This!" Thank you for reading, and please feel free to send all feedback to insaneben@yahoo.com. See ya next time!

By the way, for those of you who are wondering what I've been up to lately, I'm still working on the fifth chapter of Cell-Out. It'll be out as soon as I come home from college—in other words, it'll be awhile. It'll be worth the wait, I guarantee it.

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Last revision: January 7, 2006

Old Gray Wolf