A Ranma ½ short story
by Adrian D. Moten
Disclaimer: Ranma ½ and its characters and settings belong to Rumiko Takahashi, Shogakukan, Kitty, and Viz Video.
"Ranma no BAKA!" the uncute fiancée Akane shouted as she swung her mallet around for a serious pounding on the personage of one Ranma Saotome, the best martial artist ever to walk the earth. He dodged it barely. Why "barely"?
Mainly because he had one Shampoo, a really sexy Amazon from China, draped around his neck like a purple scarf, which he couldn't shake off.
Behind Akane came super-cutie-pie-of-a-fiancée Ukyou Kuonji, wielding a woman's-wrath-given-spatula-form overhead. "Let go of my fiancée, you hussy!"
The eternally lost boy Ryouga wandered onto the scene, saw Ranma and Shampoo with Akane chasing them, put two and two together and got: "Ranma, prepare to die!" Whipping off a bandanna from his head and flipping his trusty umbrella, he leapt into the fray.
Mousse, a really cool guy, if you can get over the fact that he's blind as a bat with his glasses, came roaring in front of them, crying out, "Saotome, let go of my Shampoo!" He sent a dozen weighted chains at his intended target. It didn't matter that he had attacked a telephone pole.
Really-cool-looking-guy (but-a-complete-moron) Kunou brought forth his bokken, dropping about a Shakespeare play's worth of archaic speeches about Ranma, the foul sorcerer, bewitching the lovely Akane Tendo and his "pigtailed-girl."
"Strike! Strike! Strike!" he shouted, launching both him and his weapon at pretty remarkable speeds. Not Amaguriken level speeds, but impressive nonetheless.
And last, but not least, ultra-cool, ultra-sexy, ultra-bitch Nabiki held a camera in one hand, a fist full of yen in the other, smirking sardonically around a fence, taking pictures and bets alternatively. "Let's see what trick will Ranma-baby pull out of his hat today…"
Ranma finally had enough. Shaking Shampoo lose from his neck, he sprang up to the highest point, in this case, a telephone pole, and held up his hands in a halting motion. "Stop it!"
The Nerima crew came to a sudden stop, some crashing into others, most very surprised by this outburst.
After the dust cleared, Ranma hopped down. "I'm going to make an announcement, so y'all better listen up and listen good!" He then turned to Akane; her mallet still poised to strike. "Akane, I love you."
"Re-really?" The mallet fell to the ground.
"Yes. Will you marry me?"
She grinned like there was no tomorrow. "Yes! YES!" They smooched like there was no tomorrow.
Everyone was shell-shocked by the turn of events. The first to break the stunned silence was a wailing Shampoo. "Shampoo no become bride—! WAAH!"
Mousse touched her shoulder. "Don't worry, Shampoo. I'm still here."
She looked up. "Even after I treat you like dirt…?" He nodded. "W-why…?"
"Because I love you, Shampoo."
She smiled. "Shampoo love you, too." She yanked him down to her in a really hot, passionate kiss.
Kunou was so shocked that he became sane. "How…"
"Does it really matter, Kunou baby?" Nabiki said right next to his ear.
"No, I suppose not…"
"Are you over them now?"
"I… I suppose I am…"
"Good; let's go back to your place and have a Tendo-Kunou joining… if you pay right, that is…"
"Okay!" He and Nabiki went back to his home for some intense monkey loving.
Ukyou cried for losing her chance for Ranma's heart. "Why, oh why, Ranchan?
Ryouga looked as though he was ready to break into diamond dust pieces.
Hanging his head, he spoke, "The world is a dark, cold place." He plodded off in one direction, bumping into Ukyou by accident.
She looked up. "Ryouga…"
He looked up. "Ukyou…"
"We're both lonely now…"
"Yeah… what do we do now?"
She suddenly smiled. "Let's get married!"
He blinked. "Really?"
"Yes, jackass! I'm lonely, you're lonely, it's perfect!"
"Wow. I never thought of it that way…" He smiled then. "Who needs Akane when I got you?"
Ukyou jumped up, and smooched him all cute-like. Well, cute-like as far as the tongue went…
All over Nerima, eight people jerked from their slumber simultaneously.
"What the hell?" Ranma yelped, then looking all around. Settling down, he sighed. "Whew, just a dream…" He was put back to sleep by a wooden sign with the words [Be quiet boy, and go back to sleep!] scribbled all over it.
Akane looked around, a blush sitting on her cheeks. "It was just a dream…"
Her cheeks burned brighter at the thought, though.
Mousse grinned like a madman, then frowned. "Shit… it was just a dream…"
Shampoo shivered for a few moments, then got angry. She stalked into Mousse's room, whose eyes got all wide and a madman's grin returned on his face. "It wasn't a dream! Wahoo!"
The normally bubbly Amazon pummeled the myopic boy into a dreamless submission, splashed him with water, tossed him into a cage, then went back to bed a whole lot calmer and happier. "Back to dreaming of Ranma and Shampoo alone."
Kunou looked all around his room roaring at the top of his lungs. "What in the nine hells doth that foul sorcerer Saotome think he does? By tricking mine mind, he makes to situate me with the evil mercenary Nabiki Tendo, whilst he whisks away my fair loves Akane Tendo and the pigtailed girl! I will not stand for such a mockery! I will smite him this eve!"
Really-sexy-but-totally-freaky Kodachi walked into her brother's room. Without so much as a word, she whacked a black rose into his face, which put him to sleep. Well, if you consider not being able to move for the next six hours sleeping.
Nabiki studied her hands, then her camera. "That's it. No more associating with Kunou. That was just… disturbing."
Ukyou grabbed her battle spatula by reflex and tore into the bedstead. Then she dropped the weighty thing and violently shook, her skin crawling. "Ew! Ew! EW! Ew! EW!! Ryouga? That jackass? I'm going to be SICK! EWW!"
Somewhere in the middle of Nerima, a mighty column of greenish-blue energy disintegrated an entire city block. In the middle of it stood one person, who looked nauseated. "Me and Ukyou? Just because we're lonely? Blech…"
Then he shook a fist into the air. "Ranma! I don't know how, but this is all your fault!"
Cupid sighed, looking at his list. "This has got to be some deity's idea of a cruel joke… Honestly!" He fluttered off, not even bothering to nock his bow. "The hell with this… I'm taking a vacation. Nothing's worth this kind of headache…"
Author's notes: Just something that popped into my head the day before Valentine's Day and the muse demanded I write it. Probably because of all the stereotyped pair-ups I've been seeing of late.
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